I don't know if there is something happening in the cosmos, but for some reason a lot of previous Bachelors are coming out of the woodwork like termites. Bachelor #12 (lived hella far and ended our dating time with an unsolicited dick pic) hit me up about a month ago before Spain. One night, at midnight mind you, I get a text from this fool saying "Hey remember me?" and he sent me a picture of his face (fortunately). I don't know why in the world I answered but I was said "yeah I remember you" and then he proceeded to tell me he was in the LA area with this 2 friends but he was kind of the 3rd wheel and wanted to see if I wanted to meet up. TRANSLATION.... "Hey I know I haven't seen you/talked to you in almost a year but I am horny and gross and in your area, do you want to bang?" Now, he didn't say those exact words, but I wasn't born yesterday! I know a booty call when I see one, and that was a classic case. Here are the signs of a booty call, for your education... 1) You get the text late at night- usually between 9pm-1am, 2) It's from someone you haven't talked to in forever, but had relations with previously, 3) The phrase "Do you want to get TOGETHER" - together is the key word in this sentence. You clearly don't get together for coffee or tea at midnight, even a drink at a bar would be late if you are just getting the invite at freak'n midnight!
My response was as such "No, it's midnight, I'm going to bed." You'd think that would have been clear enough.... nope. For some reason he thought texting me that he was "wandering the streets of LA alone" at 1am would convince me to invite him over. I didn't even see those other texts until the next morning. What a loser and what a gross pig!
So then this fool texts me last week, during working hours this time, and says again "Hey remember me?" I said "Yeah I remember you, you sent me a booty call text last month at midnight, claiming you were the 3rd wheel with your friends." He just said "Ha, ha, yeah sorry about that. So what are you up to?" Ummmm how about that I am at work asshole, and maybe you too should get a real job. I didn't say that but I should have. I am expecting another "Hey remember me" text in about a month, I will be more prepared next time with my witty remarks. He is like a rash that won't go away.
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Tuesday, September 17, 2013
Monday, September 16, 2013
So Much For Swearing Off Dating...
So after the nonsense that happened with Bachelor #27 (aka Really Boring Golfer Guy) before my epic trip to Spain (I was in Spain for 2 weeks and it was AMAZEBALLS!), I vowed to give up dating indefinitely. Well, that's like Miley Cyrus vowing to stop twerking... probably not going to last long. I say that because just 3 days after I returned from Spain I get a text from Bachelor #26- completely out of the blue! Now I know I referred to him as a dickhead in my previous post; however, sometimes I think maybe I get a little too carried away/emotionally invested/angry/easily hurt too quickly- and I think that was definitely the case with him. Just because we had 2 awesome dates I automatically think something is going to blossom, and I really need to work on stop expecting things from anyone. That's really sad to say, but it's the truth- and this is my advice to all women. DO NOT EXPECT A GOD DAMN THING FROM ANY MAN, especially ones you are just casually dating. Having any sort of expectation is a death trap, and I fall into it every single time! I digress...
So I see this text and my first thought is "Who the hell is this?" because obviously I deleted his phone # when I stopped hearing from him. So I Googled the # and found his name, and I was like "Holy shit! What in the world does this guy want?" Usually when I get random texts from past Bachelors I automatically delete them because they are assholes and they can suck it. But with Bachelor #26 I had really liked him and his personality, and I was willing to practice putting my anger aside for once and just go with the flow. Simultaneously I thought this was a test from God because I think God likes to f*ck with me sometimes- not that God doesn't have better things to do- but I truly believe He throws shit at me to see what I do, and I kind of feel like I fail every test. I vowed to give up dating and give up on men and here I am responding to this text, I can't commit to anything! Anyway, I respond and sure enough we are texting back and forth for the next several days catching up, like nothing had happened and no time had passed. I won't lie, it was kind of nice talking to him again.
Long story short, last Tuesday we went on our second first date- and I had a great time (against my better judgement). We met up and went to this little Vietnamese restaurant, and just seeing him again after a month and a half was really nice. He was still good looking, with his hair perfectly styled (that's one of the things I liked about him, he has really nice hair and I enjoyed playing with it). We just talked and caught up and it was just as fun as our first first date. After dinner he asked me if I wanted to continue hanging out and asked if I wanted to grab dessert. I of course couldn't resist so we parked at my place and decided to go to this great little gastropub near me. Well first we went upstairs so he could use the restroom and so we walk out of my apartment and he just kisses me right then and there. I won't lie, it was a great moment and when I think about it I still smile. So after we walk to the bar, grab some dessert, talk and laugh more and then walk back to my place. I will honestly say he made me laugh as much as ever, and that's one of the things I really liked about him initially. He is the only guy I've gone out with that genuinely cracks me up.
So we go up to my apartment, which usually ends up in inappropriate situations, but this time nothing that would shame my mother happened, and I was really happy about that. I was kind of worried that he was just looking to get laid, but he didn't make any type of inappropriate advance at all. We just talked for a long time and then before he left to go home he gave me another memorable kiss. He said he wanted to see me again and I said "Ok, I'll see you in a month and a half" since it had been that long since I last saw him. The difference between this time and last time is that I refuse to give a fuck about him. If I see him again then yay, that would be awesome because I enjoy his company. If I don't see him again, well then that's just fucked up haha. Seriously though, I won't understand what the point of going out was if he disappears again. But then maybe there doesn't have to be a point. Maybe that's my problem? I assume everything has to have some sort of meaning, and sometimes that isn't the case. I need to get better at just living life and not assigning meaning to everything that happens.
So I see this text and my first thought is "Who the hell is this?" because obviously I deleted his phone # when I stopped hearing from him. So I Googled the # and found his name, and I was like "Holy shit! What in the world does this guy want?" Usually when I get random texts from past Bachelors I automatically delete them because they are assholes and they can suck it. But with Bachelor #26 I had really liked him and his personality, and I was willing to practice putting my anger aside for once and just go with the flow. Simultaneously I thought this was a test from God because I think God likes to f*ck with me sometimes- not that God doesn't have better things to do- but I truly believe He throws shit at me to see what I do, and I kind of feel like I fail every test. I vowed to give up dating and give up on men and here I am responding to this text, I can't commit to anything! Anyway, I respond and sure enough we are texting back and forth for the next several days catching up, like nothing had happened and no time had passed. I won't lie, it was kind of nice talking to him again.
Long story short, last Tuesday we went on our second first date- and I had a great time (against my better judgement). We met up and went to this little Vietnamese restaurant, and just seeing him again after a month and a half was really nice. He was still good looking, with his hair perfectly styled (that's one of the things I liked about him, he has really nice hair and I enjoyed playing with it). We just talked and caught up and it was just as fun as our first first date. After dinner he asked me if I wanted to continue hanging out and asked if I wanted to grab dessert. I of course couldn't resist so we parked at my place and decided to go to this great little gastropub near me. Well first we went upstairs so he could use the restroom and so we walk out of my apartment and he just kisses me right then and there. I won't lie, it was a great moment and when I think about it I still smile. So after we walk to the bar, grab some dessert, talk and laugh more and then walk back to my place. I will honestly say he made me laugh as much as ever, and that's one of the things I really liked about him initially. He is the only guy I've gone out with that genuinely cracks me up.
So we go up to my apartment, which usually ends up in inappropriate situations, but this time nothing that would shame my mother happened, and I was really happy about that. I was kind of worried that he was just looking to get laid, but he didn't make any type of inappropriate advance at all. We just talked for a long time and then before he left to go home he gave me another memorable kiss. He said he wanted to see me again and I said "Ok, I'll see you in a month and a half" since it had been that long since I last saw him. The difference between this time and last time is that I refuse to give a fuck about him. If I see him again then yay, that would be awesome because I enjoy his company. If I don't see him again, well then that's just fucked up haha. Seriously though, I won't understand what the point of going out was if he disappears again. But then maybe there doesn't have to be a point. Maybe that's my problem? I assume everything has to have some sort of meaning, and sometimes that isn't the case. I need to get better at just living life and not assigning meaning to everything that happens.
Saturday, August 17, 2013
Bachelor #27- The Golfer With No Balls / Off to Spain!
It's funny how life works out sometimes. After a year of dating I've ended my journey at Bachelor #27, not because we are a couple and I'm done dating. Quite the contrary. He actually dumped me the evening before I'm leaving for a 2 week trip through Spain and I've decided that when I return I am no longer going to try and date.... period. I've gotten rid of every dating site profile/app and I refuse to try anymore. It is a tremendous waste of my time.
I met Bachelor #27 on Match, he emailed me a few days before my account expired. He sent me a funny poem that rhymed and I thought "I bet he sends this poem to every girl" and then I thought "Well at least he was unique." So I gave him my phone number. I then went to Vegas and had an awesome time (and made out with a significantly younger/good looking guy) and then when I came back I called him. We talked for 2 hours on the phone. On our first date he brought me a big beautiful bouquet of flowers. I thought "wow this guy is really nice." We had a great time on our date and talked until the restaurant closed. I could tell he was nervous, but the conversation kept going.
We went out every week (sometimes multiple times a week) and we talked all the time. I seriously thought things were going well. Granted he was boring, went to bed early, got up early (he was a professional golfer), and seemed very introverted and not super exciting or outgoing. I just thought I would give him a decent try because every fun/outgoing guy I date is a total douchebag. Well he ended up being a douchebag also. He kissed me like he would kiss his mother on our 5th date, and our 6th date, and never really made any sort of move. I didn't even hold his hand because I felt like maybe he wasn't into affection. I thought maybe he was just really nervous or shy. But yet I still gave him a chance. Everyone told me "oh he probably likes you so much, that's why he's shy. You should make a move to show him it's ok?" Well we all remember what happened the last time I tried that... refer to Bachelor #8.
On our last date (last Friday) he even offered to drive me to LAX in the morning since I am leaving for Spain (tomorrow). He also said he wanted to see me before I left since I'll be gone for 2 weeks. He said he'd be free Friday (last night). He ended up being held up at work (allegedly) and I said "ok well let me know when you finish work Saturday and I'd like to see you before I go." He said he would be done at 5. So around 5 I texted him and asked how his day was and he said he just left work. Well nearly 2 hours go by and I don't hear from him, and I totally thought we were going to hang out. So I called him and said "hey how's your day how was work" yada yada. What does he say to me? That he thinks we are opposites and he doesn't see it working out long term and have a good trip. Ummm.... WTF? You could have said that at any point this week you piece of shit! Why would you offer to take me to the airport and then a week later decide that it isn't going to work out? I don't deny that we are on the same page and I felt from the start that I was too awesome and fun for him because he is boring, lame, old farty and acts like he's fucking 80 years old. But he really shouldn't have held that in until the night before I leave. So after our brief call I sent him a text saying that was a dick move on his part and he should've said something earlier in the week.
I refuse to let this fucker, or any other fucker that I have dated in the last year, ruin my amazing trip to Spain. I have had this trip planned for a long ass time and I am going to have the best time EVER. So to you Mr. Golfer- you can be boring by yourself while I lay on the sands of Ibiza and drink carafes of red sangria and bask in the warm Spanish sun. And when I return there will be no more dating blog. No more Bachelors, no more dating sites, no more trying. I am drained from a year of nonsense and I have better things to do than waste my time and energy on these losers that walk the streets of Los Angeles.
Fuck dating... The End.
I met Bachelor #27 on Match, he emailed me a few days before my account expired. He sent me a funny poem that rhymed and I thought "I bet he sends this poem to every girl" and then I thought "Well at least he was unique." So I gave him my phone number. I then went to Vegas and had an awesome time (and made out with a significantly younger/good looking guy) and then when I came back I called him. We talked for 2 hours on the phone. On our first date he brought me a big beautiful bouquet of flowers. I thought "wow this guy is really nice." We had a great time on our date and talked until the restaurant closed. I could tell he was nervous, but the conversation kept going.
We went out every week (sometimes multiple times a week) and we talked all the time. I seriously thought things were going well. Granted he was boring, went to bed early, got up early (he was a professional golfer), and seemed very introverted and not super exciting or outgoing. I just thought I would give him a decent try because every fun/outgoing guy I date is a total douchebag. Well he ended up being a douchebag also. He kissed me like he would kiss his mother on our 5th date, and our 6th date, and never really made any sort of move. I didn't even hold his hand because I felt like maybe he wasn't into affection. I thought maybe he was just really nervous or shy. But yet I still gave him a chance. Everyone told me "oh he probably likes you so much, that's why he's shy. You should make a move to show him it's ok?" Well we all remember what happened the last time I tried that... refer to Bachelor #8.
On our last date (last Friday) he even offered to drive me to LAX in the morning since I am leaving for Spain (tomorrow). He also said he wanted to see me before I left since I'll be gone for 2 weeks. He said he'd be free Friday (last night). He ended up being held up at work (allegedly) and I said "ok well let me know when you finish work Saturday and I'd like to see you before I go." He said he would be done at 5. So around 5 I texted him and asked how his day was and he said he just left work. Well nearly 2 hours go by and I don't hear from him, and I totally thought we were going to hang out. So I called him and said "hey how's your day how was work" yada yada. What does he say to me? That he thinks we are opposites and he doesn't see it working out long term and have a good trip. Ummm.... WTF? You could have said that at any point this week you piece of shit! Why would you offer to take me to the airport and then a week later decide that it isn't going to work out? I don't deny that we are on the same page and I felt from the start that I was too awesome and fun for him because he is boring, lame, old farty and acts like he's fucking 80 years old. But he really shouldn't have held that in until the night before I leave. So after our brief call I sent him a text saying that was a dick move on his part and he should've said something earlier in the week.
I refuse to let this fucker, or any other fucker that I have dated in the last year, ruin my amazing trip to Spain. I have had this trip planned for a long ass time and I am going to have the best time EVER. So to you Mr. Golfer- you can be boring by yourself while I lay on the sands of Ibiza and drink carafes of red sangria and bask in the warm Spanish sun. And when I return there will be no more dating blog. No more Bachelors, no more dating sites, no more trying. I am drained from a year of nonsense and I have better things to do than waste my time and energy on these losers that walk the streets of Los Angeles.
Fuck dating... The End.
Bachelors #25 & 26- Tinder.... A Superficial Hook Up App
Since Match.com wasn't really working out for me I decided to give Tinder a try, after my friend kept suggesting that I download the app. For those of you who don't know, Tinder is an app that pulls in Facebook profiles from a radius around your location and you basically judge guys on their looks since minimal information about them is provided. You swipe left if they are gross/scary, and your swipe right if they are good looking enough to possibly talk to. Tinder then notifies you if you match with a guy you swiped right on. After you're matched you have the opportunity to text within the app. I went out with 2 guys from Tinder, fortunately neither were serial killers.
The first guy lived a few blocks down from me and we had 3 dates until I cut him off. The first 2 dates he seemed nice and relatively normal, meaning no red flags went up. On our 3rd date he said some shit that caught my attention. We were at a local bar watching a soccer match and eating/drinking. We got on the topic of relationships and he mentioned he hadn't had a girlfriend in 3 years by choice. I thought that was odd, then he said that he dated a lot of girls but then would only like "the chase" and got bored after. Oh the dreaded "chase." Apparently all guys like this "chase," and once you show the slightest bit of interest they magically lose interest.
That comment really bothered me because so many guys I've dated in the last year seemed to have the same affliction. They like the chase and then they move on. So I decided I was done with him so I stopped talking to me. A few days later he asked me if there was a deal breaker, so I was honest and said I was looking for a guy who wants something serious and isn't just into the thrill of the chase. He tried to say that he was being sarcastic and he was looking for something serious now, but I didn't believe him and that was that.
Bachelor #26 was also from Tinder and I was convinced he was my soul mate because our personalities totally clicked. Our first date was on the 4th of July and we had sushi. He was so sassy and funny and talkative. We really clicked immediately. We hung out all night, watched fireworks from his house, talked all night... it was a perfect evening.
We had one more date after that, which also was great. After that he totally flaked out on me like a dickhead. I was really surprised to be honest, but then again I am very naïve and blind most of the time. He was supposed to come over for dinner one night and they morning of he sent a lame text saying that he had to help his friend out with some "crap" after work. By "crap" he probably meant he had some chick to bang after work. Who knows.
Promptly after that I deleted my Tinder app and vowed never to use it again.
The first guy lived a few blocks down from me and we had 3 dates until I cut him off. The first 2 dates he seemed nice and relatively normal, meaning no red flags went up. On our 3rd date he said some shit that caught my attention. We were at a local bar watching a soccer match and eating/drinking. We got on the topic of relationships and he mentioned he hadn't had a girlfriend in 3 years by choice. I thought that was odd, then he said that he dated a lot of girls but then would only like "the chase" and got bored after. Oh the dreaded "chase." Apparently all guys like this "chase," and once you show the slightest bit of interest they magically lose interest.
That comment really bothered me because so many guys I've dated in the last year seemed to have the same affliction. They like the chase and then they move on. So I decided I was done with him so I stopped talking to me. A few days later he asked me if there was a deal breaker, so I was honest and said I was looking for a guy who wants something serious and isn't just into the thrill of the chase. He tried to say that he was being sarcastic and he was looking for something serious now, but I didn't believe him and that was that.
Bachelor #26 was also from Tinder and I was convinced he was my soul mate because our personalities totally clicked. Our first date was on the 4th of July and we had sushi. He was so sassy and funny and talkative. We really clicked immediately. We hung out all night, watched fireworks from his house, talked all night... it was a perfect evening.
We had one more date after that, which also was great. After that he totally flaked out on me like a dickhead. I was really surprised to be honest, but then again I am very naïve and blind most of the time. He was supposed to come over for dinner one night and they morning of he sent a lame text saying that he had to help his friend out with some "crap" after work. By "crap" he probably meant he had some chick to bang after work. Who knows.
Promptly after that I deleted my Tinder app and vowed never to use it again.
Bachelor #24- Just Another Prick
Hey everyone, it's been forever since I've written so I have some catching up to do. Bachelor #24 was a guy I went out with in June, post my 31st birthday. We met on match (he reached out to me) and was immediately smitten with me... or so it seemed. We emailed back and forth a few times, he was very forward and kept saying he could tell I was the kind of girl he would bring home to meet his family. I guess a red flag was that he was still LIVING with his family (yes he was in his 30s), but I was trying to not judge him for that.
When we started talking on the phone he had just left for a week to go to AZ for work training, but he called me every single night and we FaceTimed every night while he was away. He was really nice to talk to, very friendly, seemed close to his family (obviously because he lived with them), had a decent job, and it was nice to be able to see who I was talking to. We seemed to click right away, but every time he said to me that he felt that we were a good match and he "had a good feeling about us," I would say "slow down yo, we haven't even met yet."
Well we had 1 date and I thought it was great. We went to this great little Cuban place and had a great dinner and great conversation. Come to find out he was friends with a friend of mine, which gave me hope that he wasn't a dickhead. After dinner we went to a bar and a country band was playing. So we stayed, drank and listened to the music and had a great time. He loved country music as much as I do, which was great because I've never dated a guy who likes country as much as I do.
After the bar we went back to my place and watched a movie. I should've known it wasn't going to work when it was late and his mother was calling him, asking when he was going to be home... #Lame.
After our date we continued to talk, but he never asked me out again. I even asked our mutual friend about him and she said he was a super nice guy. Obviously not. He is just another Mr. Hit It and Quit It. Shortly after our date a friend of mine passed away, and he was aware of this, and he didn't even check to see how I was after the funeral. That was another red flag that he was a piece of shit.
The lesson I learned from this experience is that any guy who claims that you're the kind of girl he would bring home to meet his mother and then sleeps with you and peaces out immediately is a shit face and it's better to learn that right from the start. Fuck him!
When we started talking on the phone he had just left for a week to go to AZ for work training, but he called me every single night and we FaceTimed every night while he was away. He was really nice to talk to, very friendly, seemed close to his family (obviously because he lived with them), had a decent job, and it was nice to be able to see who I was talking to. We seemed to click right away, but every time he said to me that he felt that we were a good match and he "had a good feeling about us," I would say "slow down yo, we haven't even met yet."
Well we had 1 date and I thought it was great. We went to this great little Cuban place and had a great dinner and great conversation. Come to find out he was friends with a friend of mine, which gave me hope that he wasn't a dickhead. After dinner we went to a bar and a country band was playing. So we stayed, drank and listened to the music and had a great time. He loved country music as much as I do, which was great because I've never dated a guy who likes country as much as I do.
After the bar we went back to my place and watched a movie. I should've known it wasn't going to work when it was late and his mother was calling him, asking when he was going to be home... #Lame.
After our date we continued to talk, but he never asked me out again. I even asked our mutual friend about him and she said he was a super nice guy. Obviously not. He is just another Mr. Hit It and Quit It. Shortly after our date a friend of mine passed away, and he was aware of this, and he didn't even check to see how I was after the funeral. That was another red flag that he was a piece of shit.
The lesson I learned from this experience is that any guy who claims that you're the kind of girl he would bring home to meet his mother and then sleeps with you and peaces out immediately is a shit face and it's better to learn that right from the start. Fuck him!
Monday, July 1, 2013
Bachelor #23- Possibly Gay, or Maybe Just Brazilian?
Bachelor #23 was 3 Friday nights ago. We met on Match and he seemed like a nice enough guy. We decided to meet up for drinks at a great bar in West Hollywood. At first when we met up it felt a little awkward- like the conversation felt a little forced. It was basic small talk. But the more beers he had the more he seemed to relax and open up. After we ate dinner he took me to his favorite local bar that was within walking distance of the place we had dinner. He was Brazilian and the patrons of this local bar were also Brazilian. Everyone seemed very nice, except for the old drunk white man who was way too into the MMA match that was on TV.
Well the more Bachelor 23 drank the more feminine he sounded. He was drinking beer all night, and then he switched to red wine and just sounded really, really gayish. Maybe it was his accent? Maybe it was a cultural thing? But my gut said "Morgan- there is something gay about him." Maybe it was his compliment of my bracelet and my shoes.... I just didn't get the sense that he was incredibly (or barely) masculine. Maybe it's too much to ask, but I want a man who I think could defend me and my honor if the moment arised. I want a man that doesn't want to borrow my shoes.
In the end he asked me out again, but I didn't see him again. It's just too weird when a guy says to me "I just want to kiss you" in a very non-masculine kind of way. Perhaps I am too picky?
Well the more Bachelor 23 drank the more feminine he sounded. He was drinking beer all night, and then he switched to red wine and just sounded really, really gayish. Maybe it was his accent? Maybe it was a cultural thing? But my gut said "Morgan- there is something gay about him." Maybe it was his compliment of my bracelet and my shoes.... I just didn't get the sense that he was incredibly (or barely) masculine. Maybe it's too much to ask, but I want a man who I think could defend me and my honor if the moment arised. I want a man that doesn't want to borrow my shoes.
In the end he asked me out again, but I didn't see him again. It's just too weird when a guy says to me "I just want to kiss you" in a very non-masculine kind of way. Perhaps I am too picky?
Bachelor #22- My Awesomeness Scared Him Off
It's been 2 months since I've written, mostly because I needed a break. But bachelor #22 occurred in May, during the time of my dear friend's daughter's baptism. Bachelor #22 was a "nice" guy from Texas. Like everyone else, we met on Match; however, he was not an active member- meaning he couldn't email anyone. He winked at me one day and I read his profile and it was cryptic. I was able to decipher his email address in his message and he emailed me back. We emailed back and forth and he asked for my phone #. This guy called me every night for 2 weeks. Even when I was in Michigan for my friend's daughter's baptism he called me every single night. We had such great conversations, it was like talking to an old friend.
After I got back we made a date to go out. He picked me up and we went out for dinner. I thought we hit it off, and he was exactly like he was on the phone and in his profile. He was an avid golfer, and we got on the topic of golfing. We were a few blocks away from a driving range and he had his clubs in his car, so we decided to go to the range so he could teach me how to hit the ball. Well maybe the fact that I was so terrible at hitting golf balls turned him off, because I never heard from him again after that.
Ok maybe, not never heard- after our date he left for Texas (allegedly) to visit family for 3 weeks. 4 days into his trip he sent me a text asking how I was, yada yada. Well after that I never saw or heard from that fucker ever again.
It only pisses me off because this fool had the nerve to call me every night for 2 damn weeks before we went out. He pretended to be a nice guy who was looking for something serious, but he didn't have the balls to tell me he wasn't interested in the end. I can't tell you the number of times that has happened to me and my other single friends. I can handle rejection, but men can't seem to handle being honest and forthright. It is beyond frustrating! At least gay marriage is legal now in CA so now I have an option haha. :)
After I got back we made a date to go out. He picked me up and we went out for dinner. I thought we hit it off, and he was exactly like he was on the phone and in his profile. He was an avid golfer, and we got on the topic of golfing. We were a few blocks away from a driving range and he had his clubs in his car, so we decided to go to the range so he could teach me how to hit the ball. Well maybe the fact that I was so terrible at hitting golf balls turned him off, because I never heard from him again after that.
Ok maybe, not never heard- after our date he left for Texas (allegedly) to visit family for 3 weeks. 4 days into his trip he sent me a text asking how I was, yada yada. Well after that I never saw or heard from that fucker ever again.
It only pisses me off because this fool had the nerve to call me every night for 2 damn weeks before we went out. He pretended to be a nice guy who was looking for something serious, but he didn't have the balls to tell me he wasn't interested in the end. I can't tell you the number of times that has happened to me and my other single friends. I can handle rejection, but men can't seem to handle being honest and forthright. It is beyond frustrating! At least gay marriage is legal now in CA so now I have an option haha. :)
Wednesday, May 22, 2013
Email of the Night...
I've got a few gems for you tonight.
This one comes from Independently31 "Run Pete Run!!!!! Hi, I am Peter. Forest Gump is one of my favorite movies. I must say I’ve studied your profile and I find you down to earth, intelligent, and funny... You like Asian guys? I tell ya me likey you long time! Haha... I am not looking for anything serious at first, I just want to hang out with a cool chick like you! :)"
My likey you long time? Really? Aside from that, the "I'm not looking for anything serious" part is also not helping his case.
What's funny is that I didn't respond, obviously, and a few days later he followed up with "Hi there, you sound awesome, how's this match thing going so far? Met anyone interesting? I'd like to chat with you and get to know you."
Sounds like this guy forgot about the obnoxious email he had just sent a few days prior. Maybe he was drunk...
Another winner comes from a creepy looking fellow by the name of life_hacker_(he looks like a serial killer) "Hey, good news... I just got off the phone with customer service, and it turns out this site doesn't charge you by the number of responses you send. It's like an unlimited data plan.
OK, try sending a reply. Go for it...it's totally free ;)"
He had emailed me once before and decided that maybe following up with this "witty" email would prompt a response. Sorry... not working for me.
God where are all the nice, attractive, normal guys?????
This one comes from Independently31 "Run Pete Run!!!!! Hi, I am Peter. Forest Gump is one of my favorite movies. I must say I’ve studied your profile and I find you down to earth, intelligent, and funny... You like Asian guys? I tell ya me likey you long time! Haha... I am not looking for anything serious at first, I just want to hang out with a cool chick like you! :)"
My likey you long time? Really? Aside from that, the "I'm not looking for anything serious" part is also not helping his case.
What's funny is that I didn't respond, obviously, and a few days later he followed up with "Hi there, you sound awesome, how's this match thing going so far? Met anyone interesting? I'd like to chat with you and get to know you."
Sounds like this guy forgot about the obnoxious email he had just sent a few days prior. Maybe he was drunk...
Another winner comes from a creepy looking fellow by the name of life_hacker_(he looks like a serial killer) "Hey, good news... I just got off the phone with customer service, and it turns out this site doesn't charge you by the number of responses you send. It's like an unlimited data plan.
OK, try sending a reply. Go for it...it's totally free ;)"
He had emailed me once before and decided that maybe following up with this "witty" email would prompt a response. Sorry... not working for me.
God where are all the nice, attractive, normal guys?????
Sunday, May 19, 2013
Email of the Night... Guest Contribution
I have a guest contribution for this week's email of the night. One of my best friends has been getting the most bizarre, and rather disturbing emails. Here's a few for the records...
i wanna give it to u
i wanna feel what its like to be in you... as im kiss you and culminng inside as im looking deep into your eyes...
and whisper i love you!!
Gross... and what does culminng mean?
Here's another one my friend got, it isn't perverted but it's still bizarre:
Hmm, I think I know you…
You’re the woman from the Cayman Islands… the agent whose acquaintance I made after surfacing my submarine near the Virgin Gorda… Your “save me from my sinking boat” routine was a clever ruse, I’ll give you that much…
I know you slipped a sedative into my caviar before you handcuffed me to the bedpost… But I can’t believe you took my parrot… I told you he’d never talk!!
I’m curious… What did you do with the diamonds and $100k in cash in those suitcases? Foreign bribes, plastic surgery, chocolate, or what?
Two more she contributed include:
"Let me be your husband "
And,
"you look...Turkish".
The last one is only funny because she is Armenian. Hmmm... maybe it was Bachelor #21? The Turk?
i wanna give it to u
i wanna feel what its like to be in you... as im kiss you and culminng inside as im looking deep into your eyes...
and whisper i love you!!
Gross... and what does culminng mean?
Here's another one my friend got, it isn't perverted but it's still bizarre:
Hmm, I think I know you…
You’re the woman from the Cayman Islands… the agent whose acquaintance I made after surfacing my submarine near the Virgin Gorda… Your “save me from my sinking boat” routine was a clever ruse, I’ll give you that much…
I know you slipped a sedative into my caviar before you handcuffed me to the bedpost… But I can’t believe you took my parrot… I told you he’d never talk!!
I’m curious… What did you do with the diamonds and $100k in cash in those suitcases? Foreign bribes, plastic surgery, chocolate, or what?
Two more she contributed include:
"Let me be your husband "
And,
"you look...Turkish".
The last one is only funny because she is Armenian. Hmmm... maybe it was Bachelor #21? The Turk?
Sunday, May 5, 2013
Happy Anniversary to Me
This weekend I celebrated my 1 year anniversary of being single and dodging the biggest bullet of my life. Most women would mope about, wallowing in self pity when an anniversary like this rolls around- but not me! Yes, a year later I am still single, but I have gone out with 21 guys and I've learned a hell of a lot about myself and the male species. Yes I've made mistakes, and I've gone out with a lot of unworthy guys, but everything has been a learning experience and I am a better person for it.
So to celebrate my awesome single status I went out to a fun lounge and got drinks with my 2 best friends, whom I am beyond lucky to have in my life. When you have friends like the ones I have, you can go through any shitty situation and survive it. They have been my support system for the last 20+ years and I can't imagine my life without them. I wish I could meet a man who is half as awesome as they are.
Ironically, I got 2 texts from unworthy guys who will never qualify as Bachelors. UnBachelor #1 is a guy who I was supposed to go out with over a month ago, yet he never called to make plans. He text me Saturday night and asked if I had plans, which translates into "Hey my date bailed on me and now you could be my backup plan." You don't get to ask me out for Saturday night ON Saturday night. I have a life and I am not desperate. Needless to say I just deleted his text without a response.
UnBachelor #2 is a guy who asked me out for Friday evening earlier in the week and he also never bothered to call to solidify plans. Instead, Saturday morning he text me asking me what I was up to. What am I up to? Well, I was headed to my date with Bachelor #21, I should've told him that, however, I just deleted his text as well without a reply. If you can't take 2 seconds to give me a courtesy call then I will not take 2 seconds to reply to your lame, lazy text.
The old me would have probably responded, but I have a buffet of potential Bachelors at my disposal so I no longer feel the need to waste any of my valuable time on losers.
So to celebrate my awesome single status I went out to a fun lounge and got drinks with my 2 best friends, whom I am beyond lucky to have in my life. When you have friends like the ones I have, you can go through any shitty situation and survive it. They have been my support system for the last 20+ years and I can't imagine my life without them. I wish I could meet a man who is half as awesome as they are.
Ironically, I got 2 texts from unworthy guys who will never qualify as Bachelors. UnBachelor #1 is a guy who I was supposed to go out with over a month ago, yet he never called to make plans. He text me Saturday night and asked if I had plans, which translates into "Hey my date bailed on me and now you could be my backup plan." You don't get to ask me out for Saturday night ON Saturday night. I have a life and I am not desperate. Needless to say I just deleted his text without a response.
UnBachelor #2 is a guy who asked me out for Friday evening earlier in the week and he also never bothered to call to solidify plans. Instead, Saturday morning he text me asking me what I was up to. What am I up to? Well, I was headed to my date with Bachelor #21, I should've told him that, however, I just deleted his text as well without a reply. If you can't take 2 seconds to give me a courtesy call then I will not take 2 seconds to reply to your lame, lazy text.
The old me would have probably responded, but I have a buffet of potential Bachelors at my disposal so I no longer feel the need to waste any of my valuable time on losers.
Bachelor #21- Gay or Soft Spoken?
I had a date with Bachelor #21 this weekend, and it wasn't terrible. Bachelor #21 actually called earlier in the week to ask me out for lunch this weekend, which automatically earned him brownie points.
We met up at one of my favorite gastro pubs for lunch and we had a pleasant time. He wasn't awful to look at, and talking to him wasn't like pulling teeth. He seemed genuinely nice, maybe because he is from Maine originally and LA hasn't corrupted him yet. However, for a split second during lunch, while he was talking, the thought popped into my head "Is he gay?" Maybe it was because he seemed a little soft spoken, or maybe it's because was nervous, but the thought crossed my mind, and I feel like anytime that thought pops into your mind it's a red flag.
He didn't say anything that would make me question if he was gay or straight, but he just didn't exude a ton of masculinity. Not that he spoke with his hands or did or said anything flamboyent or feminine, I just can't place my finger on it.
Since we had a nice time, and I wasn't bored to tears, I would be willing to see him again to see if I get that feeling once more.
We met up at one of my favorite gastro pubs for lunch and we had a pleasant time. He wasn't awful to look at, and talking to him wasn't like pulling teeth. He seemed genuinely nice, maybe because he is from Maine originally and LA hasn't corrupted him yet. However, for a split second during lunch, while he was talking, the thought popped into my head "Is he gay?" Maybe it was because he seemed a little soft spoken, or maybe it's because was nervous, but the thought crossed my mind, and I feel like anytime that thought pops into your mind it's a red flag.
He didn't say anything that would make me question if he was gay or straight, but he just didn't exude a ton of masculinity. Not that he spoke with his hands or did or said anything flamboyent or feminine, I just can't place my finger on it.
Since we had a nice time, and I wasn't bored to tears, I would be willing to see him again to see if I get that feeling once more.
Friday, May 3, 2013
Emails of the Night
It's time for my favorite segment called "Emails of the Night."
First up courtesy of beloved8779: "Wow you like a lot of wine. What kind of wine do you drink?"
Hmmm.... maybe I have too many photos with a wine glass in my hand? Nah...
Next up is from HopFullyYours (not sure if he just doesn't know how to spell "hopefully" or not): "In regards to career I was doing really well in my dream industry but was laid off due to over expansion. I took a risky move taking the job and it didn't pan out. Consequently I'm not where I want to be professionally but I haven't given up hope. Waiting tablesbar tending isn't glamorous but the money is good and the rent doesn't pay itself.
I love to go karaoking, traveling the world is great and was planning Europe this summer but got laid off, I still have hopes to travel to the Philippines in 2014. Living near the beach is great and enjoy my local watering hole. How do you feel about beer?"
Ummm, talking about being laid off multiple times isn't really a strong selling point, I'd like someone with a career- thanks. Oh, and I hate beer.
We have another doozey from MusicJammer01: "I would love to be your friend. I really like your synopsis. Though your words are brief, it exhbits a lot of good character, humility and hope. It speaks to the heart. I would love to start a friendship with you. Let me know how to reach out to you.
I would love to meet up with you for spanish latte, vegan chocolate cake and LaSagna that SoCal has to offer? I know just the right place for it. I hope that you will find it in your heart space to reach out and extend a friendly hand. I look forward to hearing from you.
Namaste."
Wow... just wow... oh yeah and he's always in his 40s- NOPE! (and he looked creepy)
First up courtesy of beloved8779: "Wow you like a lot of wine. What kind of wine do you drink?"
Hmmm.... maybe I have too many photos with a wine glass in my hand? Nah...
Next up is from HopFullyYours (not sure if he just doesn't know how to spell "hopefully" or not): "In regards to career I was doing really well in my dream industry but was laid off due to over expansion. I took a risky move taking the job and it didn't pan out. Consequently I'm not where I want to be professionally but I haven't given up hope. Waiting tablesbar tending isn't glamorous but the money is good and the rent doesn't pay itself.
I love to go karaoking, traveling the world is great and was planning Europe this summer but got laid off, I still have hopes to travel to the Philippines in 2014. Living near the beach is great and enjoy my local watering hole. How do you feel about beer?"
Ummm, talking about being laid off multiple times isn't really a strong selling point, I'd like someone with a career- thanks. Oh, and I hate beer.
We have another doozey from MusicJammer01: "I would love to be your friend. I really like your synopsis. Though your words are brief, it exhbits a lot of good character, humility and hope. It speaks to the heart. I would love to start a friendship with you. Let me know how to reach out to you.
I would love to meet up with you for spanish latte, vegan chocolate cake and LaSagna that SoCal has to offer? I know just the right place for it. I hope that you will find it in your heart space to reach out and extend a friendly hand. I look forward to hearing from you.
Namaste."
Wow... just wow... oh yeah and he's always in his 40s- NOPE! (and he looked creepy)
Thursday, May 2, 2013
Bachelor #20- Snooze...
I don't understand why it is so hard to meet someone who is both attractive and not boring. If someone is cute they usually have the personality of sawdust. If someone if hilarious and fun to be around they usually have the face of Frankenstein (ok maybe not that bad but you get my drift). Why is it impossible to have looks and personality?
I got drinks with Bachelor #20 last weekend, and it was just "eh." We didn't really have anything in common, he was very "eh" looking (I know I sounds superficial and looks fade- but I need physical attraction, sorry sue me) and I made sure to talk about how I don't like sports and I enjoy strippers (to ensure I don't heard from him again). He seemed nice, but there wasn't anything amazing about him- and I want amazing. I deserve amazing. After all of the bullshit I've had to put up with, with my douchebag ex boyfriend to all 20 bachelors I've had to sort through, I deserve someone great and I am not about to settle for less.
My mom says "I don't know why you waste your time going out with these guys." My answer- if I don't meet them how will I know if I like them or not. And how am I supposed to meet someone awesome if I don't put myself out there? I'm about ready to start looking into mail order husbands.
I got drinks with Bachelor #20 last weekend, and it was just "eh." We didn't really have anything in common, he was very "eh" looking (I know I sounds superficial and looks fade- but I need physical attraction, sorry sue me) and I made sure to talk about how I don't like sports and I enjoy strippers (to ensure I don't heard from him again). He seemed nice, but there wasn't anything amazing about him- and I want amazing. I deserve amazing. After all of the bullshit I've had to put up with, with my douchebag ex boyfriend to all 20 bachelors I've had to sort through, I deserve someone great and I am not about to settle for less.
My mom says "I don't know why you waste your time going out with these guys." My answer- if I don't meet them how will I know if I like them or not. And how am I supposed to meet someone awesome if I don't put myself out there? I'm about ready to start looking into mail order husbands.
Wednesday, April 24, 2013
Required Reading for all Ladies
Whether you're single or in a relationship, I've recently read some really great books that provide practical (and funny) advise for all ladies. These are my top must reads:
1. Tempations of the Single Girl: The Ten Dating Traps You Must Avoid (by Nina Atwood)-
"Meet Kelly, a charming, pretty everywoman. She's successful, intelligent, financially secure-and notorious for making bad decisions when it comes to men. As Kelly travels the bumpy road back to self-care, she sidesteps one emotional rut only to land squarely in another. But every time she dusts herself off and gets back into the groove, she comes one step closer to being an emotionally healthy woman who is ready and able to welcome true love into her life.
Author Nina Atwood takes us on an inspiring journey of self-discovery and relationship recovery in this thoroughly modern fable. Through Kelly's story, you too can pinpoint which temptations you must learn to resist so that you can claim the happiness-and the man-that you deserve."
I am about halfway done with this book, and let me tell you- I think she wrote this book based on ME. Holy shit! Not only is this book entertaining to read, but I completely identify with the main character and it's helped me to realize all of the dumb mistakes I've been making time and time again and the tempations I've been succumbing to. If you don't get any benefit at all from reading this book then you are on crack and/or there's just no helping you.
2. Maybe He's Just An Asshole: Sharpen Your Bullshit Detector, Rock Your Expectations and Become Your Strongest Self! (by Halle Kaye and Sophie Stone)-
This is a really quick read, and it is hilarious! They basically profile various types of assholes (most of whom we have all encountered in our lives) and score them on the Asshole Meter. Here are a few examples of the Assholes they describe:
-The Guy Who Sucks at Communication
-The Guy Who's Hot and Cold
-The Guy Who's Conflicted About You
-The Guy Who's Just not Ready to Commit
-The Guy Who's not Trustworthy
-The Guy Who's Insecure
-The Guy Who Has an Unhealthy Relationship to Sex
3. The Power of the Pussy: How to Get What you Want From Men: Love, Respect, Commitment and More... (by Kara King)
Also a very funny, witty, blunt and to the point book that basically teaches you how powerful your vajayjay really is, and how to stop putting up with bullshit from guys and get what you want. This is a book all women should read- whether you're single or not.
4. Why Men Marry Bitches (by Sherry Argov)
This is basically the sequel to Why Men Love Bitches (and equally entertaining and insightful book that you absolutely must read). This book is witty, past paced and teaches you why it isn't in your best interest to be overly nice or accomodating to men (especially early on in a relationship). This book will help you grow a backbone.
5. Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man (by Steve Harvey)
Apparently they turned this book into a movie, I never saw it, but after reading this book I really want to! This book is great because it's written from a man's point of view and gives great insight into what QUALITY men are looking for, and what you SHOULD expect from these quality guys. This is a must read!
1. Tempations of the Single Girl: The Ten Dating Traps You Must Avoid (by Nina Atwood)-
"Meet Kelly, a charming, pretty everywoman. She's successful, intelligent, financially secure-and notorious for making bad decisions when it comes to men. As Kelly travels the bumpy road back to self-care, she sidesteps one emotional rut only to land squarely in another. But every time she dusts herself off and gets back into the groove, she comes one step closer to being an emotionally healthy woman who is ready and able to welcome true love into her life.
Author Nina Atwood takes us on an inspiring journey of self-discovery and relationship recovery in this thoroughly modern fable. Through Kelly's story, you too can pinpoint which temptations you must learn to resist so that you can claim the happiness-and the man-that you deserve."
I am about halfway done with this book, and let me tell you- I think she wrote this book based on ME. Holy shit! Not only is this book entertaining to read, but I completely identify with the main character and it's helped me to realize all of the dumb mistakes I've been making time and time again and the tempations I've been succumbing to. If you don't get any benefit at all from reading this book then you are on crack and/or there's just no helping you.
2. Maybe He's Just An Asshole: Sharpen Your Bullshit Detector, Rock Your Expectations and Become Your Strongest Self! (by Halle Kaye and Sophie Stone)-
This is a really quick read, and it is hilarious! They basically profile various types of assholes (most of whom we have all encountered in our lives) and score them on the Asshole Meter. Here are a few examples of the Assholes they describe:
-The Guy Who Sucks at Communication
-The Guy Who's Hot and Cold
-The Guy Who's Conflicted About You
-The Guy Who's Just not Ready to Commit
-The Guy Who's not Trustworthy
-The Guy Who's Insecure
-The Guy Who Has an Unhealthy Relationship to Sex
3. The Power of the Pussy: How to Get What you Want From Men: Love, Respect, Commitment and More... (by Kara King)
Also a very funny, witty, blunt and to the point book that basically teaches you how powerful your vajayjay really is, and how to stop putting up with bullshit from guys and get what you want. This is a book all women should read- whether you're single or not.
4. Why Men Marry Bitches (by Sherry Argov)
This is basically the sequel to Why Men Love Bitches (and equally entertaining and insightful book that you absolutely must read). This book is witty, past paced and teaches you why it isn't in your best interest to be overly nice or accomodating to men (especially early on in a relationship). This book will help you grow a backbone.
5. Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man (by Steve Harvey)
Apparently they turned this book into a movie, I never saw it, but after reading this book I really want to! This book is great because it's written from a man's point of view and gives great insight into what QUALITY men are looking for, and what you SHOULD expect from these quality guys. This is a must read!
Email of the Night...
And the email of the night goes to Mrning_Wood.
Not only does this Mr. Wood have an obnoxious profile, he also writes retarded emails. For example:
"I dated a chick with the voice. I wanted to slap her but she was fine so she got a pass." (in reference to me writing under my pet peeves women who talk with high pitched/nasaly voices like Paris Hilton)
Really Mr Wood? Give me a break! He gets 2 eyes rolls and an OH BROTHER!
Not only does this Mr. Wood have an obnoxious profile, he also writes retarded emails. For example:
"I dated a chick with the voice. I wanted to slap her but she was fine so she got a pass." (in reference to me writing under my pet peeves women who talk with high pitched/nasaly voices like Paris Hilton)
Really Mr Wood? Give me a break! He gets 2 eyes rolls and an OH BROTHER!
Monday, April 15, 2013
The Recycling of Bachelors
I think it might be time to move on to a different dating site. Why you ask? Well, I think I've reached a point where I am corresponding with guys I met several years ago. Here's a story...
I was perusing Match the other night and came upon a profile of a guy my age in Toluca Lake. He's decent looking (no Ryan Gosling though) and he's a helicopter photographer. I thought he seemed interesting enough so I "winked" at him. Well he sent me an email and said,
"Hey there, I may be wrong, so forgive me if I am, I think we met up (via match) like 6 years ago? Hopefully that doesn't scare you away! lol."
I vaguely vaguely vaguely recall his profile if memory serves me correctly, but I honestly cannot remember meeting this guy in person! 6 years ago I was 24 and I had just moved out of my parents house. I remember I was on Match and I met my then boyfriend, Craig- the boring guy from Michigan. But I really don't remember meeting this Recycled Bachelor. If I did meet him it must not have been that exciting, because I have a pretty damn good memory.
So now I am very hesistant to continue chatting with him, because there was obviously a reason it didn't go anywhere (if we in fact did go out). How sad that I've reached a point where I am now meeting guys from 6 years ago! Whoa is me! I need a fresh new dating pool to fish in.
I was perusing Match the other night and came upon a profile of a guy my age in Toluca Lake. He's decent looking (no Ryan Gosling though) and he's a helicopter photographer. I thought he seemed interesting enough so I "winked" at him. Well he sent me an email and said,
"Hey there, I may be wrong, so forgive me if I am, I think we met up (via match) like 6 years ago? Hopefully that doesn't scare you away! lol."
I vaguely vaguely vaguely recall his profile if memory serves me correctly, but I honestly cannot remember meeting this guy in person! 6 years ago I was 24 and I had just moved out of my parents house. I remember I was on Match and I met my then boyfriend, Craig- the boring guy from Michigan. But I really don't remember meeting this Recycled Bachelor. If I did meet him it must not have been that exciting, because I have a pretty damn good memory.
So now I am very hesistant to continue chatting with him, because there was obviously a reason it didn't go anywhere (if we in fact did go out). How sad that I've reached a point where I am now meeting guys from 6 years ago! Whoa is me! I need a fresh new dating pool to fish in.
Bachelor #19- Not Allowed to Date Him
This past Saturday I had a coffee date with Bachelor 19. First off, I hate coffee dates. They're boring (unless there's some Baileys in the coffee) and they feel like it's a lazy (and cheap) way for a guy to determine if he wants to see you again. I've been on a total of 2 coffee dates and they never blosson into anything. But I digress...
He was a nice enough guy though- 33, lives in Venice (which I am quickly learning that a lot of douchey guys live down there), works in advertising on the creative side, and seemed relatively normal. Was he the most exciting person on the planet? Nope. Did he crack me up with a spunky and fun sense of humor? Nope. Was he cuter than a monkey? Yeah. So why can't I date him you ask?
Two words- Armenian Genocide. Yes friends, Bachelor #19 was from Turkey and one of my best friends is Armenian, therefore I am forbidden to date a Turk out of respect to my Armenian friends (Turkey attempts to deny the Armenian Genocide- so Armenians and Turks are not friends). My loyalty is with Armenia so there's no point in starting something that can ultimately never work out.
I guess in my profile I should put a disclaimer "Turks need not apply."
He was a nice enough guy though- 33, lives in Venice (which I am quickly learning that a lot of douchey guys live down there), works in advertising on the creative side, and seemed relatively normal. Was he the most exciting person on the planet? Nope. Did he crack me up with a spunky and fun sense of humor? Nope. Was he cuter than a monkey? Yeah. So why can't I date him you ask?
Two words- Armenian Genocide. Yes friends, Bachelor #19 was from Turkey and one of my best friends is Armenian, therefore I am forbidden to date a Turk out of respect to my Armenian friends (Turkey attempts to deny the Armenian Genocide- so Armenians and Turks are not friends). My loyalty is with Armenia so there's no point in starting something that can ultimately never work out.
I guess in my profile I should put a disclaimer "Turks need not apply."
Saturday, April 6, 2013
Email of the Night
I am going to start little segment called "Email of the Night." I am going to post the "best" (by best I mean lame) emails that I get from Match. Here's a couple for ya...
"Hey I'm Patrick. I am an awful singer, sand crabs scare me, I eat too much chocolate, I don't wash my truck enough, I tend to laugh at inappropriate moments, and sometimes I let my dog sleep on the bed if she looks really cute..."
Ummm, what part of this email is supposed to make me jump off the couch and say "Oh thank you Lord! Thank you for sending me my soulmate!!" Does this joker really think that anything in this email makes him sound like a winner? What part am I supposed to be attracted to exactly?
Here's another one from a "39 year old," and I put it in quotes because there is no way in Hell his old ass man is 39.
"Lets meet for drinks"
That was the extent of the email. I immediately deleted it.
Here's another from some stupid 28 year old. I think he was trying to sound funny, but it was an epic fail on his part.
"I didn't see anything in your profile about your tree climbing skills or flexibility. Can you elaborate on that?"
Maybe he has a monkey fetish.
"Hey I'm Patrick. I am an awful singer, sand crabs scare me, I eat too much chocolate, I don't wash my truck enough, I tend to laugh at inappropriate moments, and sometimes I let my dog sleep on the bed if she looks really cute..."
Ummm, what part of this email is supposed to make me jump off the couch and say "Oh thank you Lord! Thank you for sending me my soulmate!!" Does this joker really think that anything in this email makes him sound like a winner? What part am I supposed to be attracted to exactly?
Here's another one from a "39 year old," and I put it in quotes because there is no way in Hell his old ass man is 39.
"Lets meet for drinks"
That was the extent of the email. I immediately deleted it.
Here's another from some stupid 28 year old. I think he was trying to sound funny, but it was an epic fail on his part.
"I didn't see anything in your profile about your tree climbing skills or flexibility. Can you elaborate on that?"
Maybe he has a monkey fetish.
Bachelor #18- The Vanishing Act
This is kind of a disappointing story, and I was actually hoping this one wouldn't end up as a Bachelor in my blog of failed never-to-be relationships. But lo and behold he ended up being the same as everyone else.... douchebag!
The worst kind of guy to date is the "fake nice guy" or the "wolf in sheep's clothes." This is the guy who comes off as super sweet, normal, down to earth, friendly, affectionate, yada yada. But in reality he clearly isn't any of those things because ends up disappearing off of the face of the earth for no rhyme or reason. No explanation. No good bye. No "hey I'm just not feeling it." No "things are going to fast for me." No "I'm just too busy for a serious relationship right now." NOTHING. I would even be satisfied with a "Hey I met someone else." Any reason is better than no reason at all. It is absolutely MADDENING!
Bachelor #18 and I dated for about a month and a half. We had a lot of great dates. On our first date we met up for drinks and talked for 5 hours. On our second date we had dinner and saw a movie (well we mostly watched the movie wink wink). On our third date we went for a hike, came back to my place and played old school Nintendo. It was so much fun. I really liked him a lot, so I didn't really talk much about him to my friends. I didn't even refer to him as a Bachelor, I actually referred to him by his name (a clear indication that I thought of him differently than everyone else). We saw each other a few more times after that, and in between dates he would text me during the week- and it was actually evident that he was pursuing ME and not the other way around. It was really great.
So I am not really sure what happened between our last dinner date (he came over and I made dinner and it was a great night) and Easter. He had started a new job, so I assumed he was just busy. I didn't hear from him for a week so on Easter I sent a quick text to wish him a happy Easter. He wished me a happy Easter as well and said his day was great because he was watching Game of Thrones. That was a week ago and I haven't heard from him since. And I have absolutely no idea what happened because I know for certain I did not do anything to fuck it up. I admit it when I get to eager too soon, or if I do something retarded. But I am 100% positive I didn't do anything wrong. So my only conclusion is that he is a douchebag.
You might be thinking, "Morgan, maybe something happened to him?" "Maybe he's dead in a ditch." Oh really? Then is it his ghost logging onto Match.com at night? Oh yes, I can see when he is signed on. So clearly he isn't deceased. And I refuse to reach out to him and be like "Yo, what the fuck is your problem?" Because I don't care enough to find out. I am sick of meeting these fake ass guys, who pretend to be super nice, and lure me in, use me and then disappear into the night. To all of you guys who do this kind of shit, go fuck yourselves! I hope you all get crabs and anal warts and bloody explosive diarrhea.
The worst kind of guy to date is the "fake nice guy" or the "wolf in sheep's clothes." This is the guy who comes off as super sweet, normal, down to earth, friendly, affectionate, yada yada. But in reality he clearly isn't any of those things because ends up disappearing off of the face of the earth for no rhyme or reason. No explanation. No good bye. No "hey I'm just not feeling it." No "things are going to fast for me." No "I'm just too busy for a serious relationship right now." NOTHING. I would even be satisfied with a "Hey I met someone else." Any reason is better than no reason at all. It is absolutely MADDENING!
Bachelor #18 and I dated for about a month and a half. We had a lot of great dates. On our first date we met up for drinks and talked for 5 hours. On our second date we had dinner and saw a movie (well we mostly watched the movie wink wink). On our third date we went for a hike, came back to my place and played old school Nintendo. It was so much fun. I really liked him a lot, so I didn't really talk much about him to my friends. I didn't even refer to him as a Bachelor, I actually referred to him by his name (a clear indication that I thought of him differently than everyone else). We saw each other a few more times after that, and in between dates he would text me during the week- and it was actually evident that he was pursuing ME and not the other way around. It was really great.
So I am not really sure what happened between our last dinner date (he came over and I made dinner and it was a great night) and Easter. He had started a new job, so I assumed he was just busy. I didn't hear from him for a week so on Easter I sent a quick text to wish him a happy Easter. He wished me a happy Easter as well and said his day was great because he was watching Game of Thrones. That was a week ago and I haven't heard from him since. And I have absolutely no idea what happened because I know for certain I did not do anything to fuck it up. I admit it when I get to eager too soon, or if I do something retarded. But I am 100% positive I didn't do anything wrong. So my only conclusion is that he is a douchebag.
You might be thinking, "Morgan, maybe something happened to him?" "Maybe he's dead in a ditch." Oh really? Then is it his ghost logging onto Match.com at night? Oh yes, I can see when he is signed on. So clearly he isn't deceased. And I refuse to reach out to him and be like "Yo, what the fuck is your problem?" Because I don't care enough to find out. I am sick of meeting these fake ass guys, who pretend to be super nice, and lure me in, use me and then disappear into the night. To all of you guys who do this kind of shit, go fuck yourselves! I hope you all get crabs and anal warts and bloody explosive diarrhea.
Monday, April 1, 2013
The Random Text From Bachelor #5
So I got a text out of the blue this afternoon from Bachelor #5- the douchebag Army dude who stood me and my lasagna up. I literally have no clue what this even means. Any thoughts or opinions would be much appreciated!
"Morgan, I don't hate you, I really don't like kids. But you are not really a kid anymore. Even when I said that, I didn't mean you." I have no idea what he is talking about right here..... "You are turning into an young adult" He said "an" which should have been "a" but he clearly doesn't know proper English. Also, I am nearly 31, clearly past the age of almost becoming a young adult. "I have, and do consider us friends :) I know I like to give you a hard time like all my other friends. But I am always kidding. Hope you don't think otherwise. P.s. feel free to walk like me anytime :p" What does "walk like me" even mean????
This was totally unsolicited and the last time I thought about this fool was when I was writing his entry. I didn't bother to respond because I don't even know what it means lol...
"Morgan, I don't hate you, I really don't like kids. But you are not really a kid anymore. Even when I said that, I didn't mean you." I have no idea what he is talking about right here..... "You are turning into an young adult" He said "an" which should have been "a" but he clearly doesn't know proper English. Also, I am nearly 31, clearly past the age of almost becoming a young adult. "I have, and do consider us friends :) I know I like to give you a hard time like all my other friends. But I am always kidding. Hope you don't think otherwise. P.s. feel free to walk like me anytime :p" What does "walk like me" even mean????
This was totally unsolicited and the last time I thought about this fool was when I was writing his entry. I didn't bother to respond because I don't even know what it means lol...
Monday, March 11, 2013
Bachelor #17- The Radio News Anchor
Bachelor #17 was my first dip in the "entertainment world." Ok not so much entertainment, but it's as close as I'm going to get most likely. He was a radio news anchor for a talk radio station. Me, being a huge talk radio nerd, was super excited by this and knew for sure my mom would approve.
On paper Bachelor #17 and I seemed like a great match. We had tons in common and we had great chemistry when we emailed and texted back and forth. We both had a passion for travel- I took a Contiki tour to Europe last summer and this May he was taking a Contiki tour to Europe as well. He had lived in Las Vegas, very close to where my family lives currently. He was from Missouri and was a nice Midwestern guy. We both enjoyed exercising and staying active.
One night in between commercial breaks he and I were texting back and forth. It was funny listening to him on the radio and hearing the commercial break and then getting a text from him. He asked me out for a drink and I was really excited. I thought "Don't fuck this up, he has potential!"
I knew the dating gods weren't on my side, however, and the match was not destined to work out. The bar we were supposed to meet up at was closed for a private party. I had gotten my hair blown out and as I was walking to our new bar it started to rain and ruined my hair. I was determined to just go with the flow though. So we went to Laurel Tavern, and although it was insanely busy, we were lucky to get a table. We talked a lot about his work and how he got into the talk radio field; however, he didn't really ask about me or my career, which I thought was odd. I also got this weird vibe from him. I am a pretty intuitive person, so I think it was my gut telling me that this wasn't going to work out. I just kept thinking maybe he was putting off a nervous or shy vibe, but it felt different than nerves. Another odd thing was that we only stayed for 1 drink which lasted about 1 hour. He asked if I wanted to go walk around and maybe find another bar. We went outside and he grabbed my hand, which I thought was odd considering I had felt like a weird vibe from him, but I went along with it. We were walking toward another bar and he stopped and said he was tired since he had been working the overnight shift and he asked if I wanted to go for a hike the next day. In my mind I was thinking
"Don't come across as overly available" but I agreed to a hike anyway. I wanted to see if I still felt that weird vibe the next day. He leaned in to give me a kiss good night and I automatically turned my head and gave him the cheek. Sorry but you don't get a kiss after an hour long date.
The next morning he picked me up and we went for a hike near my place. I did my best to keep the conversation going but there were a lot of silences, and I still felt that weird vibe. After the hike he dropped me off and all I could think was "Please don't try and kiss me again." It was Super Bowl Sunday so I wished him a happy party and bid him adieu. I never heard from him again, which was fine because, despite all of the things we had in common, and the chemistry I thought we had via email and text, in person there was just no chemistry at all. It's amazing how that can happen. Lesson learned- you can't force chemistry.
On paper Bachelor #17 and I seemed like a great match. We had tons in common and we had great chemistry when we emailed and texted back and forth. We both had a passion for travel- I took a Contiki tour to Europe last summer and this May he was taking a Contiki tour to Europe as well. He had lived in Las Vegas, very close to where my family lives currently. He was from Missouri and was a nice Midwestern guy. We both enjoyed exercising and staying active.
One night in between commercial breaks he and I were texting back and forth. It was funny listening to him on the radio and hearing the commercial break and then getting a text from him. He asked me out for a drink and I was really excited. I thought "Don't fuck this up, he has potential!"
I knew the dating gods weren't on my side, however, and the match was not destined to work out. The bar we were supposed to meet up at was closed for a private party. I had gotten my hair blown out and as I was walking to our new bar it started to rain and ruined my hair. I was determined to just go with the flow though. So we went to Laurel Tavern, and although it was insanely busy, we were lucky to get a table. We talked a lot about his work and how he got into the talk radio field; however, he didn't really ask about me or my career, which I thought was odd. I also got this weird vibe from him. I am a pretty intuitive person, so I think it was my gut telling me that this wasn't going to work out. I just kept thinking maybe he was putting off a nervous or shy vibe, but it felt different than nerves. Another odd thing was that we only stayed for 1 drink which lasted about 1 hour. He asked if I wanted to go walk around and maybe find another bar. We went outside and he grabbed my hand, which I thought was odd considering I had felt like a weird vibe from him, but I went along with it. We were walking toward another bar and he stopped and said he was tired since he had been working the overnight shift and he asked if I wanted to go for a hike the next day. In my mind I was thinking
"Don't come across as overly available" but I agreed to a hike anyway. I wanted to see if I still felt that weird vibe the next day. He leaned in to give me a kiss good night and I automatically turned my head and gave him the cheek. Sorry but you don't get a kiss after an hour long date.
The next morning he picked me up and we went for a hike near my place. I did my best to keep the conversation going but there were a lot of silences, and I still felt that weird vibe. After the hike he dropped me off and all I could think was "Please don't try and kiss me again." It was Super Bowl Sunday so I wished him a happy party and bid him adieu. I never heard from him again, which was fine because, despite all of the things we had in common, and the chemistry I thought we had via email and text, in person there was just no chemistry at all. It's amazing how that can happen. Lesson learned- you can't force chemistry.
Sunday, March 10, 2013
Bachelor #16- The Young'n
I call Bachelor #16 The Young'n because he was only 25 (5 years younger than me). I know that doesn't sound incredibly young, but maturity wise it is. I met this one at a bar, always a horrible idea I am quickly learning.
I was having a girls night with my best friends and we were sitting near these guys at the bar in NoHo. The Young'n was looking pretty cute in his blazer, and there was no part of me that thought he was under 30. He was 6'4", blonde hair, blue eyes, and he kind of reminded me of the male lead singer from Lady Antebellum. Of course one of my friends, who is a great wingwoman, got the conversation started by asking about one of the guy's t-shirts (it said I heart and then Kurt Russel's face). So then The Young'n introduced himself and his friend and we started talking. Found out he's from Victorville (yikes!) and I congratulated on his escape from that dump. He was also in a band and lived nearby. He was really charming, funny, and he bought me a drink. We talked for quite some time and eventually he got my number. I never expected to hear from him because a) he was 25 and b) we met at a bar.
A few days later, much to my surprise, he actually asked me out for a drink. Despite my better judgement I figured "What the hell!," and we met up. Again we had a nice time and talked a lot, and I found myself smitten. I kept telling myself though "Self, don't get caught up, he's a baby and this isn't going anywhere."
A few more days later he asked me out to a movie. Again I was surprised because he was asking me out more than any of the other bachelors I had met on Match. We ended up seeing Django Unchained (great movie) and it was pouring rain outside, so I dropped him off at his house (he lived 2 blocks away and he had walked). He invited me in and showed me around. Whenever a guy invites you in nothing pure ever comes from it; however, this time I held my ground (bravo for me!). We did makeout though, and the entire time I just kept thinking "What are you doing making out with this kid?" I just knew I could not let myself get attached to The Young'n, because nothing serious could develop, and I am looking for something serious with Mr. Right. So at that moment I just accepted that he was going to be my temporary boy toy, and I was going to enjoy his company until I was ready to dispose of him (sounds harsh but this is exactly what men do to women all the time- so fuck it!).
We saw each other several times after that, however, things got a bit more risque. But being with him was fun. He was lighthearted, playful, funny and it was nice to not have to worry about being serious. It was a good dating break I would say. I knew it needed to end when he drunk dialed me on a Friday night at 2am. I was sound asleep and my phone rang. I was barely awake when I answered and in my dreamlike state I thought it was Bachelor #13 calling (since at this point he was still stringing me along saying he wanted to see me again). I finally came to my senses and realized it was Bachelor #16 and boy was he drunk! It was flattering though, because he told me how much he liked me, how awesome I was, yada yada- it's never unpleasant hearing these things even from a drunk 25 year old at 2am. He said he and his friends were having a party and he wanted me to come over because they were going to play Kings Cup. As much as a I love that game my ass was not about to leave the warm comfort of my bed, so I told him no. He then put his friend's girlfriend on the phone to try and convince me to come over, but I still declined. I told him this bitch doesn't do booty calls. Of course he completely denied that this was a booty call, but I wasn't born yesterday Young'n!
The moral of this story is that it's ok to have a younger boy toy if you enjoy his company and he provides entertainment, but don't get attached to them because it will never work out. I successfully avoided becoming attached to him (he also had a super small winky that was definitely not proportionate to his gigantic stature, this fact also helped me not get too attached to him).
I was having a girls night with my best friends and we were sitting near these guys at the bar in NoHo. The Young'n was looking pretty cute in his blazer, and there was no part of me that thought he was under 30. He was 6'4", blonde hair, blue eyes, and he kind of reminded me of the male lead singer from Lady Antebellum. Of course one of my friends, who is a great wingwoman, got the conversation started by asking about one of the guy's t-shirts (it said I heart and then Kurt Russel's face). So then The Young'n introduced himself and his friend and we started talking. Found out he's from Victorville (yikes!) and I congratulated on his escape from that dump. He was also in a band and lived nearby. He was really charming, funny, and he bought me a drink. We talked for quite some time and eventually he got my number. I never expected to hear from him because a) he was 25 and b) we met at a bar.
A few days later, much to my surprise, he actually asked me out for a drink. Despite my better judgement I figured "What the hell!," and we met up. Again we had a nice time and talked a lot, and I found myself smitten. I kept telling myself though "Self, don't get caught up, he's a baby and this isn't going anywhere."
A few more days later he asked me out to a movie. Again I was surprised because he was asking me out more than any of the other bachelors I had met on Match. We ended up seeing Django Unchained (great movie) and it was pouring rain outside, so I dropped him off at his house (he lived 2 blocks away and he had walked). He invited me in and showed me around. Whenever a guy invites you in nothing pure ever comes from it; however, this time I held my ground (bravo for me!). We did makeout though, and the entire time I just kept thinking "What are you doing making out with this kid?" I just knew I could not let myself get attached to The Young'n, because nothing serious could develop, and I am looking for something serious with Mr. Right. So at that moment I just accepted that he was going to be my temporary boy toy, and I was going to enjoy his company until I was ready to dispose of him (sounds harsh but this is exactly what men do to women all the time- so fuck it!).
We saw each other several times after that, however, things got a bit more risque. But being with him was fun. He was lighthearted, playful, funny and it was nice to not have to worry about being serious. It was a good dating break I would say. I knew it needed to end when he drunk dialed me on a Friday night at 2am. I was sound asleep and my phone rang. I was barely awake when I answered and in my dreamlike state I thought it was Bachelor #13 calling (since at this point he was still stringing me along saying he wanted to see me again). I finally came to my senses and realized it was Bachelor #16 and boy was he drunk! It was flattering though, because he told me how much he liked me, how awesome I was, yada yada- it's never unpleasant hearing these things even from a drunk 25 year old at 2am. He said he and his friends were having a party and he wanted me to come over because they were going to play Kings Cup. As much as a I love that game my ass was not about to leave the warm comfort of my bed, so I told him no. He then put his friend's girlfriend on the phone to try and convince me to come over, but I still declined. I told him this bitch doesn't do booty calls. Of course he completely denied that this was a booty call, but I wasn't born yesterday Young'n!
The moral of this story is that it's ok to have a younger boy toy if you enjoy his company and he provides entertainment, but don't get attached to them because it will never work out. I successfully avoided becoming attached to him (he also had a super small winky that was definitely not proportionate to his gigantic stature, this fact also helped me not get too attached to him).
Tuesday, March 5, 2013
Bachelor #15- The Disappearing Act
I'm not really sure what happened to Bachelor #15, he just sort of disappeared.
Our first date we met up for drinks at this little dive bar near me. It was a fun time. We talked a lot and laughed a lot, and I thought it went well. He was 31, lived in Burbank but had gone to school in San Diego (originally from Texas though, and born in Germany because his parents were in the airforce), also worked in post-production, and had a crazy work schedule.
There was a long lag time between our next date because he was on vacay in Hawaii, but he said right after he got back he wanted to go out for sushi. Well he came back, and true to his word he asked me out for sushi. We had a pleasant time again. Good conversation and lots of laughs. After dinner he walked me to my car, gave me a hug good night, and said he'd give me a call. Well he never called.
Now I don't care too much that he didn't call, because he didn't knock my socks off or anything. But it's really the principal of it all. Why bother to say you're going to call when you really have no intention of doing so? Just say good night and leave it at that. There's no need to throw in the "I'll call you" card, it just makes me hate you later on. So ladies, when a guy says he's going to call just remember that 99% of the time he is full of shit, and don't bother checking for missed calls.
Our first date we met up for drinks at this little dive bar near me. It was a fun time. We talked a lot and laughed a lot, and I thought it went well. He was 31, lived in Burbank but had gone to school in San Diego (originally from Texas though, and born in Germany because his parents were in the airforce), also worked in post-production, and had a crazy work schedule.
There was a long lag time between our next date because he was on vacay in Hawaii, but he said right after he got back he wanted to go out for sushi. Well he came back, and true to his word he asked me out for sushi. We had a pleasant time again. Good conversation and lots of laughs. After dinner he walked me to my car, gave me a hug good night, and said he'd give me a call. Well he never called.
Now I don't care too much that he didn't call, because he didn't knock my socks off or anything. But it's really the principal of it all. Why bother to say you're going to call when you really have no intention of doing so? Just say good night and leave it at that. There's no need to throw in the "I'll call you" card, it just makes me hate you later on. So ladies, when a guy says he's going to call just remember that 99% of the time he is full of shit, and don't bother checking for missed calls.
Bachelor #14- The Longest Coffee Date Ever
Bachelor #14 was dry as dirt and seemed like a snob to top it off. We met up at a coffee shop, and I think I mentioned this before, but I HATE coffee dates! It only lasted an hour, but it truly felt like the longest hour of my life. He was a good looking guy, half Pacific Islander and half white (my sister kept telling me to date an Asian guy, this was my first attempt), he was 31, lived in Pasadena, worked as an engineer, and volunteered as a tutor for homeless kids- all good things (on paper).
Getting this guy to talk was like pulling teeth! I wish I had counted the number of long, awkward silences there were. I think we mostly talked about him, I can't really remember because I just kept looking at the clock and I was zoning out. He gave off a snobbish vibe though, so I immediately knew I'd never see him again. I could tell he was a snob because I mentioned that my parents like Dennys and they used to go every Friday night, and he was like "eww who goes to Dennys?" Well that was it, nobody insults my parents taste in crappy restaurants!
That's the end of this story. Sorry this one wasn't very exciting either. As a heads up, the next one is boring too.
Getting this guy to talk was like pulling teeth! I wish I had counted the number of long, awkward silences there were. I think we mostly talked about him, I can't really remember because I just kept looking at the clock and I was zoning out. He gave off a snobbish vibe though, so I immediately knew I'd never see him again. I could tell he was a snob because I mentioned that my parents like Dennys and they used to go every Friday night, and he was like "eww who goes to Dennys?" Well that was it, nobody insults my parents taste in crappy restaurants!
That's the end of this story. Sorry this one wasn't very exciting either. As a heads up, the next one is boring too.
Bachelor # 13 - The Fake Nice Guy
There's nothing worse than a guy who pretends to be Mr. Nice Guy, when in reality he is a huge douche bag, asshole, fuck face. And that was Bachelor #13. We met immediately after the debacle with Bachelor #8 (Meow Mix), it was right before New Years Eve when we started emailing back and forth. On paper he seemed amazing. 32 years old, from Boston, family oriented, worked in post-production, lived around the corner from me, and was a good looking guy. Score!
Our first date was incredible. I thought the dating gods were finally smiling upon me and that maybe Bachelor #13 would be my lucky number. He picked me up at my place (which is a rarity but I thought it was very nice), we had dinner at a great Mexican place in West Hollywood, talked and laughed the entire time, and then went to see Marty and Elaine at the Dresden (who doesn't love listening to old people sing at a dive bar?). Afterward we came back to my place and watched a movie (The Devil Inside Me- terrible movie, don't waste your time). In case you're wondering nothing scandalous happened. I was drinking coffee and after I put my mug down he said "I've been waiting for you to put that mug down so I can kiss you." I thought that was really cute (yeah I'm a sucker) and so I gave him permission to kiss me. It was definitely the highlight of my night, considering Bachelor #8 wouldn't make any move whatsoever.
After this glorious date his true colors started to quickly show. He kept telling me he wanted to take me out again. The next week he kept texting me and saying he wanted to go out to dinner... providing that he could get out of work at a decent hour. Well that week it never happened because he allegedly had to work late. Ok fine, I gave him the benefit of the doubt.
The next week passed by, and again he kept saying he wanted to see me. Well the weekend rolled around and this fucking guy ended up going to San Diego with his friend. Then why the hell did you keep saying you wanted to go out you dumb asshole? Can you see the pattern developing here? One day he even sent me a text saying "I would really like to see you again before 2014." Everytime I suggested something he would say "I'd love to see you, but I have to check my work schedule." Ok buddy, it's time to go fuck yourself and stop wasting my time.
Anytime a guy says they want to see you but it depends on their schedule, just go right ahead and tell them to fuck off, because I quickly learned that these guys are flakes and they are just going to string you along and hurt you in the end. It was a hard lesson to learn, but I'm certainly glad I learned it. Now I can easily spot these fuckers a mile away.
Our first date was incredible. I thought the dating gods were finally smiling upon me and that maybe Bachelor #13 would be my lucky number. He picked me up at my place (which is a rarity but I thought it was very nice), we had dinner at a great Mexican place in West Hollywood, talked and laughed the entire time, and then went to see Marty and Elaine at the Dresden (who doesn't love listening to old people sing at a dive bar?). Afterward we came back to my place and watched a movie (The Devil Inside Me- terrible movie, don't waste your time). In case you're wondering nothing scandalous happened. I was drinking coffee and after I put my mug down he said "I've been waiting for you to put that mug down so I can kiss you." I thought that was really cute (yeah I'm a sucker) and so I gave him permission to kiss me. It was definitely the highlight of my night, considering Bachelor #8 wouldn't make any move whatsoever.
After this glorious date his true colors started to quickly show. He kept telling me he wanted to take me out again. The next week he kept texting me and saying he wanted to go out to dinner... providing that he could get out of work at a decent hour. Well that week it never happened because he allegedly had to work late. Ok fine, I gave him the benefit of the doubt.
The next week passed by, and again he kept saying he wanted to see me. Well the weekend rolled around and this fucking guy ended up going to San Diego with his friend. Then why the hell did you keep saying you wanted to go out you dumb asshole? Can you see the pattern developing here? One day he even sent me a text saying "I would really like to see you again before 2014." Everytime I suggested something he would say "I'd love to see you, but I have to check my work schedule." Ok buddy, it's time to go fuck yourself and stop wasting my time.
Anytime a guy says they want to see you but it depends on their schedule, just go right ahead and tell them to fuck off, because I quickly learned that these guys are flakes and they are just going to string you along and hurt you in the end. It was a hard lesson to learn, but I'm certainly glad I learned it. Now I can easily spot these fuckers a mile away.
Bachelor #12 - You Live Where?
To put the timeline into perspective, I went out with Bachelors 9, 10, 11 and 12 while I was dating Bachelor #8 (Meow Mix), yes I had a pretty busy fall.
I knew it wouldn't work out with Bachelor # 12 because he lived in Costa Mesa, and I didn't have the faintest idea where that even was. We only had 2 dates so this story isn't so interesting, I just learned during the process that I need to find someone within 30 minutes of me because I have 0 desire to commute to see anyone. Our first date we met up in Newport Beach. We had a nice dinner, saw Paranormal Activity 4 (per my request) and then grabbed some drinks after. It was a perfectly nice date, and he was a perfectly nice guy. Here are some red flags I immediately noticed:
1) He was a volleyball coach, aka substitute teacher, aka made no money
2) He hated his stepfamily, like passionately hated them (not a good sign when there's so much hate)
3) He liked to indulge in the "Mary Jane" if you will. I've dated potheads before, I will not date them again.
4) His mother was an alcoholic, and his ex-girlfriend was an alcoholic. Clearly he attracts craziness, and I want no part of that.
Our 2nd date he came to my neck of the woods and we got some dinner and rented a movie. Again, not the most exciting evening ever, but it was fine. After this date he kept asking me to come on over to where he lived, and there was just no part of me that wanted to waste money on gas going to see a guy who I knew it wouldn't work out with long term. So I ended it.
PS- I also ended it because one night he decided to text me a picture of his dick (completely unsolicited mind you) and I quickly realized he was a perverted freak. Yeah, not cool. I told you this wasn't a very interesting story LOL.
I knew it wouldn't work out with Bachelor # 12 because he lived in Costa Mesa, and I didn't have the faintest idea where that even was. We only had 2 dates so this story isn't so interesting, I just learned during the process that I need to find someone within 30 minutes of me because I have 0 desire to commute to see anyone. Our first date we met up in Newport Beach. We had a nice dinner, saw Paranormal Activity 4 (per my request) and then grabbed some drinks after. It was a perfectly nice date, and he was a perfectly nice guy. Here are some red flags I immediately noticed:
1) He was a volleyball coach, aka substitute teacher, aka made no money
2) He hated his stepfamily, like passionately hated them (not a good sign when there's so much hate)
3) He liked to indulge in the "Mary Jane" if you will. I've dated potheads before, I will not date them again.
4) His mother was an alcoholic, and his ex-girlfriend was an alcoholic. Clearly he attracts craziness, and I want no part of that.
Our 2nd date he came to my neck of the woods and we got some dinner and rented a movie. Again, not the most exciting evening ever, but it was fine. After this date he kept asking me to come on over to where he lived, and there was just no part of me that wanted to waste money on gas going to see a guy who I knew it wouldn't work out with long term. So I ended it.
PS- I also ended it because one night he decided to text me a picture of his dick (completely unsolicited mind you) and I quickly realized he was a perverted freak. Yeah, not cool. I told you this wasn't a very interesting story LOL.
Monday, February 25, 2013
Bachelor # 11- The Set Up
I should've known better than to accept to be set up by well-meaning sister. The first time I was set up by her I was 23 years old. She set me up with the security guard at her office building- he was 22. She was like "oh he's cute, he's blonde- you like blondes, he's funny, you'll have fun." So I think "Sure! Why not?" Well this kid picks me up in his crappy old mini van and we go to Universal Citywalk. We had a fun time hanging out, and when he dropped me off at home I figured I would be bold and give him a good night kiss. It was literally the most awkward kiss I had ever experienced in my life. He kissed like a fish! From then on I named him Fish Lips. I was like "Why does he kiss like a fish?" I will never forget what he said to me... "This is my first kiss." No fucking way!!! That explained everything. How did he go 22 years without kissing a girl? It was such a turn off I never saw him again. I know that sounds harsh, but I did not want to be the kissing teacher to this kid. Blech!
Fast forward 7 years and I decide again to let my sister set me up with yet another co-worker. This time she literally went around her office asking people "Do you know anyone nice and single to set up with my sister? She has a good job." Well she found someone, he just looked and acted like a 13 year old boy who was really into Metallica. She said "Oh he's so nice and funny, and he has really nice long hair." Well there is 0 part of me that likes a guy with hair longer than mine, but I thought to myself "Self, give him a try, you can always cut his hair off later." So I agreed to meet up with him for a drink one night after work. We met up at Buffalo Wild Wings in Hollywood, red flag #1- don't ask me out to a shitty chain bar. When I saw him he literally looked like a grungy teenage boy, red flag #2. His first words to me were "Sorry if I seem buzzed, I saw some of my friends at the bar and had a shot with them," red flag #3. We sit down, I order my drink and he orders his 2nd beer, red flag #4, and we begin to chit chat, red flag #5 was that this fool would not look me in the eyes while we conversed. He literally looked past my head. For a minute I thought he was blind and that's why he wasn't making eye contact. Nope! He's just totally awkward and terrible at making conversation. It was really painful talking to him. While we were talking his friends came up to us and interrupted our conversation, red flag #6. It was an overall painful experience. We had absolutely nothing in common, he didn't seem that funny- which my sister claimed he was, and when the bill came I had to pay for my own damn drink- big red flag #7. I practically ran out of there when we were done. I never spoke to him again after that and I REFUSE to be set up by my sister ever again (unless she's setting me up with Ryan Gosling or Joseph Gordon Levitt).
Fast forward 7 years and I decide again to let my sister set me up with yet another co-worker. This time she literally went around her office asking people "Do you know anyone nice and single to set up with my sister? She has a good job." Well she found someone, he just looked and acted like a 13 year old boy who was really into Metallica. She said "Oh he's so nice and funny, and he has really nice long hair." Well there is 0 part of me that likes a guy with hair longer than mine, but I thought to myself "Self, give him a try, you can always cut his hair off later." So I agreed to meet up with him for a drink one night after work. We met up at Buffalo Wild Wings in Hollywood, red flag #1- don't ask me out to a shitty chain bar. When I saw him he literally looked like a grungy teenage boy, red flag #2. His first words to me were "Sorry if I seem buzzed, I saw some of my friends at the bar and had a shot with them," red flag #3. We sit down, I order my drink and he orders his 2nd beer, red flag #4, and we begin to chit chat, red flag #5 was that this fool would not look me in the eyes while we conversed. He literally looked past my head. For a minute I thought he was blind and that's why he wasn't making eye contact. Nope! He's just totally awkward and terrible at making conversation. It was really painful talking to him. While we were talking his friends came up to us and interrupted our conversation, red flag #6. It was an overall painful experience. We had absolutely nothing in common, he didn't seem that funny- which my sister claimed he was, and when the bill came I had to pay for my own damn drink- big red flag #7. I practically ran out of there when we were done. I never spoke to him again after that and I REFUSE to be set up by my sister ever again (unless she's setting me up with Ryan Gosling or Joseph Gordon Levitt).
Monday, February 11, 2013
Men I Wish Could be Bachelors...
There are so many men I wish I could add to my list of Bachelors. Here is a sample of my list (only because so many ladies ask)...
1) Robert Pattinson- Did I ever mention that I've met Mr. Pattinson? Tis true. It was the AMC Emmy after party circa 2010. Mad Men was at it's peak and the entire cast was at the party. It was at SoHo House and as soon as I walked in I said "This party would only be better if Robert Pattinson were here." I was just joking because never in my life did I think it would happen. At 1am my friend ran up to me and said "You will never believe who just walked in- ROBERT PATTINSON" I thought "The dear Lord has brought him to me because I've had such a shitty week!" I was so shy and didn't have the nerve to come up to him. So my friend walked up to him and asked if I could come say hi because I was such a big fan. He waved me over and I shook his hand and said "Hello, I am such a huge fan meeting you has made my day, no it's made my LIFE." His skin was so soft and he had the smile of an angel. He was so nice and just indulged me, it was literally the greatest experience of my life. It is because of his gracious behavior and my true and undying love for him that he deserves the slot of Bachelor #1.
2) Ryan Gosling- I have been in love with Mr. Gosling since The Notebook. I cannot watch that movie without bursting into tears. He is gorgeous, but he is also so dreamy in every role that he plays. From the guy in "Drive" to the playboy in "Crazy, Stupid, Love". Yummo!
3) Ryan Reynolds- Yeah he's married.... but he's been married once before so lets see how long this one lasts.
4) Bradley Cooper- Seeing him in Silver Linings Playbook made me officially fall in love with him. Good lord!
That's kind if it for now to be honest. I'm sure I have had many a crush on other male celebrities, but these 4 really are it for me.
1) Robert Pattinson- Did I ever mention that I've met Mr. Pattinson? Tis true. It was the AMC Emmy after party circa 2010. Mad Men was at it's peak and the entire cast was at the party. It was at SoHo House and as soon as I walked in I said "This party would only be better if Robert Pattinson were here." I was just joking because never in my life did I think it would happen. At 1am my friend ran up to me and said "You will never believe who just walked in- ROBERT PATTINSON" I thought "The dear Lord has brought him to me because I've had such a shitty week!" I was so shy and didn't have the nerve to come up to him. So my friend walked up to him and asked if I could come say hi because I was such a big fan. He waved me over and I shook his hand and said "Hello, I am such a huge fan meeting you has made my day, no it's made my LIFE." His skin was so soft and he had the smile of an angel. He was so nice and just indulged me, it was literally the greatest experience of my life. It is because of his gracious behavior and my true and undying love for him that he deserves the slot of Bachelor #1.
2) Ryan Gosling- I have been in love with Mr. Gosling since The Notebook. I cannot watch that movie without bursting into tears. He is gorgeous, but he is also so dreamy in every role that he plays. From the guy in "Drive" to the playboy in "Crazy, Stupid, Love". Yummo!
3) Ryan Reynolds- Yeah he's married.... but he's been married once before so lets see how long this one lasts.
4) Bradley Cooper- Seeing him in Silver Linings Playbook made me officially fall in love with him. Good lord!
That's kind if it for now to be honest. I'm sure I have had many a crush on other male celebrities, but these 4 really are it for me.
Bachelors #9-10- Eh...
Bachelors 9 and 10 aren't very interesting and don't warrant their own blogs really.
Bachelor #9 was your average joe, lived in the South Bay and worked in IT. He was from Vegas originally which I think grabbed my interest. We met up at Santa Monica 3rd St Promenade for Taco Tuesday. Actually, we met up just to get coffee, and we were having such a nice time walking around and chatting that he asked me if I had eaten, and that is why we went to get tacos. But literally nothing happened after we had tacos. Never saw him again. The end.
Bachelor #10 was a nice Jewish boy, originally from Israel (he was actually in the Israeli army which I thought was hot). We met up for a drink one night, and again, after that nothing. Never saw him again.
Like I said... #9 and 10 are very boring.
Bachelor #9 was your average joe, lived in the South Bay and worked in IT. He was from Vegas originally which I think grabbed my interest. We met up at Santa Monica 3rd St Promenade for Taco Tuesday. Actually, we met up just to get coffee, and we were having such a nice time walking around and chatting that he asked me if I had eaten, and that is why we went to get tacos. But literally nothing happened after we had tacos. Never saw him again. The end.
Bachelor #10 was a nice Jewish boy, originally from Israel (he was actually in the Israeli army which I thought was hot). We met up for a drink one night, and again, after that nothing. Never saw him again.
Like I said... #9 and 10 are very boring.
Saturday, February 9, 2013
Bachelor #8- Meow Mix
Bachelor #8 is an interesting tale. Everything started off normally and got progressively bizarre. He was a good looking man, talk, dark, handsome, had been in the Marines, grew up in my hometown, went to UCLA and worked as a security guard for the SBE group. He was also really into cross-fit and had a smok'n body.
Our first date consisted of hiking. Normally I would never agree to a first date in which I could possible perspire profusely in front of a guy, but this time I thought to myself "Self- give it a go! Don't be afraid to do something different." I also thought to myself "Self- be careful that he doesn't try and kill you and throw your body into a ditch."
It was a fun hike, despite the fact that it was hotter than hell, I was huffing and puffing up the hill and I was sweaty. Bachelor #8 had some fun stories to share and I was entertained. After the hike we said goodbye, he said next time we could do something I picked, and that was that. I honestly didn't anticipate seeing or hearing from him again.
A week later to my surprise he asked me out to a movie. We saw Argo, which is a GREAT movie and everyone should go see it. Movie dates are always weird though because you're just sitting there in the dark for a few hours, and it's really hard to get to know one another when you aren't allowed to talk. After the movie he walked me to my car, stopped, and asked if I wanted to grab a drink. A little late to be asking if I wanted to get a drink, but I said yes anyway. So we went to Barneys Beanery and we chatted for a while (mostly about fitness- which was kind of boring but I was trying to seem interested).
That week Bachelor #8 called me multiple times (once again, rare behavior in modern men but always very appreciated). Soon after the movies he asked me out again to dinner. We went out again, and again, and again. Sometimes we would get a drink, many times he would come over and we would watch some Netflix. In total we had 12 dates- a new personal best since I've begun dating. And throughout these 12 dates I maintained complete control and acted like a proper lady. In fact, after one date when he started to get what I call "wandering hands" I told him that I was a proper lady and smacked his hand away. Part of me thought he had taken this very literally because after that he didn't try anything (which was fine). But by the 12th date I was beginning to wonder "What the hell is up with this guy?" Everyone convinced me that he was probably respecting what I said about being a proper lady, and that he was most likely waiting for me to give him a green light. So it was settled... I must make a move!
One night Bachelor 8 came over, and per usual, we began watching some Netflix. I was trying to set a romantic mood by turning on the Christmas lights and busting out some wine. Well I was the only one drinking the wine, and he was full on ignoring me and watching The Wonder Years. I had enough! I turned off the TV and threw the remote across the room and said to him "We can stop trying to out-virtue each other now!" He just stared at me. I promptly began ranting, as I have been known to do, and kept asking "What do you want from me? I just don't understand what you want! What would you do if I didn't have a Netflix subscription. Most men just want sex, but YOU! YOU don't want anything!"
The rest of my ranting is a bit of a blur, but I recall him picking me up and throwing me on my couch and pulling apart my legs and asking "Is this how you want me to act?" Well in my mind the answer was yes, because up until now he had been so damn boring! But I just stared at him. Well to sum up this night I can just say that I made a huge ass of myself because everyone encouraged me to bust a move. I had never been rejected before and boy did it sting!
After that I never imagined I would hear from him again since I had basically thrown myself at him. But sure enough that night he sent me a text asking how my day was, like nothing had happened the night before. This confused me even more! After this he disappeared for a week, later telling me he was up in the SF. The night before Christmas Eve he stopped by after work because he had something to tell me in person. He came over, I made some coffee, we sat down and he began giving me a foot rub. He then proceeded to tell me he had been accepted to Stanford and was moving in a month and that nothing physical had happened between us because he wanted to figure out his situation and he wanted to give me all of the information so I could decide for myself what I wanted. Now in theory this sounds very considerate, but come on! You're telling me all this the night before Christmas? Thanks for ruining my most favorite holiday asshole! So I told him "Well, I guess we're done. You should just go now." He was like "Really? You're kicking me out?" I said "Yes, you're leaving so that's it." He was like "But I'm not leaving for a month, I don't see how this changes things between us. We can still see each other." I said "I am 30 years old, I am not doing a long distance relationship. Maybe if we had been dating for a year I would want to make this work, but we just met." He kept pushing to keep things as is, I kept saying to take a hike. But he wasn't giving up. This was the moment where he decided he was going to try and bust a move. I, however, was not having it and I said "You can for sure bet that I am so not sleeping with you now!"
After an hour of back and forth of "I want to see you still" "We're done" he finally left, but we had made plans to go drive around and look at Christmas lights after I was done at my parents house. My friends all said "Hey give it a chance, you never know it might work out." So I thought to myself "Self- let's just keep an open mind and open heart, you care about him so give it a go." Well that night I was stood up. After I was done with my Christmas Eve dinner I went home and was waiting for Bachelor 8. I kept texting, I tried calling, but nothing. A few hours later he finally told me he had been called into work. Boy was I PISSED! Here I was sitting around like an asshole on Christmas Eve waiting for a guy who was never going to show and didn't have the decency to take 2 seconds to send me a text letting me know. He officially ruined my Christmas.
However, in the spirit of Christmas my dumb ass was trying to find it within myself to forgive him. So I sent him a text saying that I was sorry I had overracted the night he told me he got into Stanford, that I cared about him and was willing to give it a try. You know what I got in response to this text the next day? Meow. Yup, he texted me Meow. Like a fucking cat. I said "What does that mean?" He said "It's cat for hello." What the fuck??? Here I express myself to him and all he can say to me is Meow?? That doesn't even make sense!
A few days later I was hanging out with my friend and her adorable baby and he sent me a text saying he didn't have to work that night and asked if I wanted to go eat. I said ok but I'm at my friends can we go at 8:30? He was like "Well I'm hungry now, lets just grab a drink after." And I was like "Really? You can't wait 30 minutes?" After that I was so fed up, in my mind I knew I was done with him, so I gave him a piece of my mind. I said "I open up to you, I tell you how I feel and the only response I can get from you is Meow, like a fucking cat. I try to talk to you and you can never be serious, you just Meow at me." His response? You guessed it! "Meow" I was stunned! Clearly there was something wrong with him! So I said "I don't appreciate you giving me the runaround. Stop wasting my time and don't contact me again." This dumb mother fucker said "I'm not giving you the runaround and I'm pretty certain I've done absolutely nothing wrong." I didn't even respond to him. Clearly he is dumb and delusional.
I should've known he might have had a thing for cats, after all, he did own a pair of pink Hello Kitty pajama pants. Yup.... MEOW!
Our first date consisted of hiking. Normally I would never agree to a first date in which I could possible perspire profusely in front of a guy, but this time I thought to myself "Self- give it a go! Don't be afraid to do something different." I also thought to myself "Self- be careful that he doesn't try and kill you and throw your body into a ditch."
It was a fun hike, despite the fact that it was hotter than hell, I was huffing and puffing up the hill and I was sweaty. Bachelor #8 had some fun stories to share and I was entertained. After the hike we said goodbye, he said next time we could do something I picked, and that was that. I honestly didn't anticipate seeing or hearing from him again.
A week later to my surprise he asked me out to a movie. We saw Argo, which is a GREAT movie and everyone should go see it. Movie dates are always weird though because you're just sitting there in the dark for a few hours, and it's really hard to get to know one another when you aren't allowed to talk. After the movie he walked me to my car, stopped, and asked if I wanted to grab a drink. A little late to be asking if I wanted to get a drink, but I said yes anyway. So we went to Barneys Beanery and we chatted for a while (mostly about fitness- which was kind of boring but I was trying to seem interested).
That week Bachelor #8 called me multiple times (once again, rare behavior in modern men but always very appreciated). Soon after the movies he asked me out again to dinner. We went out again, and again, and again. Sometimes we would get a drink, many times he would come over and we would watch some Netflix. In total we had 12 dates- a new personal best since I've begun dating. And throughout these 12 dates I maintained complete control and acted like a proper lady. In fact, after one date when he started to get what I call "wandering hands" I told him that I was a proper lady and smacked his hand away. Part of me thought he had taken this very literally because after that he didn't try anything (which was fine). But by the 12th date I was beginning to wonder "What the hell is up with this guy?" Everyone convinced me that he was probably respecting what I said about being a proper lady, and that he was most likely waiting for me to give him a green light. So it was settled... I must make a move!
One night Bachelor 8 came over, and per usual, we began watching some Netflix. I was trying to set a romantic mood by turning on the Christmas lights and busting out some wine. Well I was the only one drinking the wine, and he was full on ignoring me and watching The Wonder Years. I had enough! I turned off the TV and threw the remote across the room and said to him "We can stop trying to out-virtue each other now!" He just stared at me. I promptly began ranting, as I have been known to do, and kept asking "What do you want from me? I just don't understand what you want! What would you do if I didn't have a Netflix subscription. Most men just want sex, but YOU! YOU don't want anything!"
The rest of my ranting is a bit of a blur, but I recall him picking me up and throwing me on my couch and pulling apart my legs and asking "Is this how you want me to act?" Well in my mind the answer was yes, because up until now he had been so damn boring! But I just stared at him. Well to sum up this night I can just say that I made a huge ass of myself because everyone encouraged me to bust a move. I had never been rejected before and boy did it sting!
After that I never imagined I would hear from him again since I had basically thrown myself at him. But sure enough that night he sent me a text asking how my day was, like nothing had happened the night before. This confused me even more! After this he disappeared for a week, later telling me he was up in the SF. The night before Christmas Eve he stopped by after work because he had something to tell me in person. He came over, I made some coffee, we sat down and he began giving me a foot rub. He then proceeded to tell me he had been accepted to Stanford and was moving in a month and that nothing physical had happened between us because he wanted to figure out his situation and he wanted to give me all of the information so I could decide for myself what I wanted. Now in theory this sounds very considerate, but come on! You're telling me all this the night before Christmas? Thanks for ruining my most favorite holiday asshole! So I told him "Well, I guess we're done. You should just go now." He was like "Really? You're kicking me out?" I said "Yes, you're leaving so that's it." He was like "But I'm not leaving for a month, I don't see how this changes things between us. We can still see each other." I said "I am 30 years old, I am not doing a long distance relationship. Maybe if we had been dating for a year I would want to make this work, but we just met." He kept pushing to keep things as is, I kept saying to take a hike. But he wasn't giving up. This was the moment where he decided he was going to try and bust a move. I, however, was not having it and I said "You can for sure bet that I am so not sleeping with you now!"
After an hour of back and forth of "I want to see you still" "We're done" he finally left, but we had made plans to go drive around and look at Christmas lights after I was done at my parents house. My friends all said "Hey give it a chance, you never know it might work out." So I thought to myself "Self- let's just keep an open mind and open heart, you care about him so give it a go." Well that night I was stood up. After I was done with my Christmas Eve dinner I went home and was waiting for Bachelor 8. I kept texting, I tried calling, but nothing. A few hours later he finally told me he had been called into work. Boy was I PISSED! Here I was sitting around like an asshole on Christmas Eve waiting for a guy who was never going to show and didn't have the decency to take 2 seconds to send me a text letting me know. He officially ruined my Christmas.
However, in the spirit of Christmas my dumb ass was trying to find it within myself to forgive him. So I sent him a text saying that I was sorry I had overracted the night he told me he got into Stanford, that I cared about him and was willing to give it a try. You know what I got in response to this text the next day? Meow. Yup, he texted me Meow. Like a fucking cat. I said "What does that mean?" He said "It's cat for hello." What the fuck??? Here I express myself to him and all he can say to me is Meow?? That doesn't even make sense!
A few days later I was hanging out with my friend and her adorable baby and he sent me a text saying he didn't have to work that night and asked if I wanted to go eat. I said ok but I'm at my friends can we go at 8:30? He was like "Well I'm hungry now, lets just grab a drink after." And I was like "Really? You can't wait 30 minutes?" After that I was so fed up, in my mind I knew I was done with him, so I gave him a piece of my mind. I said "I open up to you, I tell you how I feel and the only response I can get from you is Meow, like a fucking cat. I try to talk to you and you can never be serious, you just Meow at me." His response? You guessed it! "Meow" I was stunned! Clearly there was something wrong with him! So I said "I don't appreciate you giving me the runaround. Stop wasting my time and don't contact me again." This dumb mother fucker said "I'm not giving you the runaround and I'm pretty certain I've done absolutely nothing wrong." I didn't even respond to him. Clearly he is dumb and delusional.
I should've known he might have had a thing for cats, after all, he did own a pair of pink Hello Kitty pajama pants. Yup.... MEOW!
Friday, February 8, 2013
A Little Side Note...
By now many of you might be thinking "Damn girl you get around," or "If you're going out with all of these duds then why continue?" Here's the thing, believe it or not I am actually trying to seek out a potential husband because I don't want to end up as a spinster cat lady. It's impossible to meet men when I'm out and about in my daily life, so I figure if I date as many guys as possible, as quickly as possible, I am upping my chances of meeting someone decent. I figure, for every 20 guys I got out with, maybe one will stick? I guess we'll see.
My sister says "Why don't you try eHarmony?" Girlfriend I did! And I didn't get any bang for my buck (pardon the pun). eHarmony has such a tiresome interview process that by the time I got to the stage where I could actually email back and forth, I just stopped caring.
My mother says "What do you expect from these guys on Match? They're only looking for a hookup." I absolutely refuse to believe that EVERY single guy on Match just wants a wham bam thank you ma'am. There HAS to be somebody looking for something more serious... right? Or am I delusional? My mom also tells me time and time again that I should sign up for Table for Six. If you aren't familiar with this dating service basically 3 guys and 3 ladies go out to dinner on a group date. And if you like a guy and they also liked you you're set up on an individual date. In theory this sounds fine, except this service is over $1000!!! That is half of my trip to Spain! I'm sorry, but I would rather go on an amazing trip than spend that kind of dough on a dating service where I might not even meet anyone I like. Sorry, but I haven't quite reached the point of desperation yet.
In conclusion, if any of you have any awesome single guy friends (or brothers, cousins, nephews, sons...) feel free to send them my way! I only have a short questionaire for the applicant to fill out ;-)
My sister says "Why don't you try eHarmony?" Girlfriend I did! And I didn't get any bang for my buck (pardon the pun). eHarmony has such a tiresome interview process that by the time I got to the stage where I could actually email back and forth, I just stopped caring.
My mother says "What do you expect from these guys on Match? They're only looking for a hookup." I absolutely refuse to believe that EVERY single guy on Match just wants a wham bam thank you ma'am. There HAS to be somebody looking for something more serious... right? Or am I delusional? My mom also tells me time and time again that I should sign up for Table for Six. If you aren't familiar with this dating service basically 3 guys and 3 ladies go out to dinner on a group date. And if you like a guy and they also liked you you're set up on an individual date. In theory this sounds fine, except this service is over $1000!!! That is half of my trip to Spain! I'm sorry, but I would rather go on an amazing trip than spend that kind of dough on a dating service where I might not even meet anyone I like. Sorry, but I haven't quite reached the point of desperation yet.
In conclusion, if any of you have any awesome single guy friends (or brothers, cousins, nephews, sons...) feel free to send them my way! I only have a short questionaire for the applicant to fill out ;-)
Thursday, February 7, 2013
Bachelor #7- The One Hit Wonder
Bachelor #7 was a hottie patottie and it's a damn shame it didn't work out. I almost didn't go out with this one because I was getting carried away with Army Guy. We emailed back and forth for a while, and he even called a few times (another rare gem). We had some great conversations and I personally felt the chemistry. He was 2 years younger, worked for a medical sales company, lived nearby, played hockey and was a quadruplet.
One Friday night we met up for sushi (a much better place than I had gone to with Army Guy). He was already sitting when I walked in and I was awestruck by how handsome he was in person. He had a strong jaw and a smile that could make women swoon. You could tell he was in amazing shape by his perfect physique. It's a damn shame it didn't work out.
Dinner was great. We ate, drank, had an easy flowing and fun conversation. It was almost too good to be true. After dinner while we were both waiting for our identical Honda Civics I casually mentioned how the air in one of my tires was low, but I didn't know which one. Being the seeming gentleman I thought he was he offered to go to the gas station with me and fill my tires with air. I couldn't believe how sweet he was!
After the tire filling he asked if I wanted to get a drink. Of course I said yes and we went to one of my favorite bars near my house. We were having such a great time we closed the bar down and walked back to my place. I innocently invited him up to have some water since he was drinking before he headed home. I know that one of the rules from the ladies code of conduct is to never invite a guy up on a first date. But I assure you MY intentions were pure. Well one thing led to another and before I knew it we were making out like teenagers! I promise it was all innocent- I actually made it VERY clear upfront that nothing was going to happen.
Well, I guess my clarity and my purity was a dealbreaker because after that night I never saw or heard from The One Hit Wonder again. It's a damn shame it didn't work out.
One Friday night we met up for sushi (a much better place than I had gone to with Army Guy). He was already sitting when I walked in and I was awestruck by how handsome he was in person. He had a strong jaw and a smile that could make women swoon. You could tell he was in amazing shape by his perfect physique. It's a damn shame it didn't work out.
Dinner was great. We ate, drank, had an easy flowing and fun conversation. It was almost too good to be true. After dinner while we were both waiting for our identical Honda Civics I casually mentioned how the air in one of my tires was low, but I didn't know which one. Being the seeming gentleman I thought he was he offered to go to the gas station with me and fill my tires with air. I couldn't believe how sweet he was!
After the tire filling he asked if I wanted to get a drink. Of course I said yes and we went to one of my favorite bars near my house. We were having such a great time we closed the bar down and walked back to my place. I innocently invited him up to have some water since he was drinking before he headed home. I know that one of the rules from the ladies code of conduct is to never invite a guy up on a first date. But I assure you MY intentions were pure. Well one thing led to another and before I knew it we were making out like teenagers! I promise it was all innocent- I actually made it VERY clear upfront that nothing was going to happen.
Well, I guess my clarity and my purity was a dealbreaker because after that night I never saw or heard from The One Hit Wonder again. It's a damn shame it didn't work out.
Bachelor #6- Army Guy
My stories become increasingly interesting from Bachelors #6-12. With Bachelor #6 I did EVERYTHING a woman can do wrong when it comes to men. Let me explain...
There is a book I read many years ago that I hold near and dear to my heart called "Why Men Love Bitches," by Sherry Argov. If you are a single woman you are doing yourself a diservice by not reading this book. Not only is it hilarious, but all of the tips and information in there are true and useful. She basically outlines every single thing women tend to do with men that they should NOT do, including but not limited to 1) Don't always be available when he asks you out, 2) Don't sleep with him right away, 3) Don't be accomodating all of the time, 4) Don't cook for him.... the list goes on and on. With Bachelor #6 I subconsciously broke every single major rule that this woman laid out. BIG MISTAKE (which I learned from).
I met Bachelor #6 on Match. He was a good looking guy, actively serving in the Army (score beans!), my age, from the Midwest, lived nearby and was a "wannabe actor." He was also finishing up school (but for the life of me I can't remember what he was even majoring in). On our first date he invited me out to a UCLA tailgate party at the Rose Bowl. I had never been to a tailgate party before so I thought it would be loads of fun, I was also trying really hard to be open minded when it came to these unusual dates. We ended up going to the party with a group of his friends who were all very funny, very nice, very personable people. The tailgate party ended up being a ton of fun. People were playing beer pong, there was bbq, people were sticking their heads in a bucket of ice water to see who could stay in there the longest... it was very entertaining. Despite the fun I was having there were a few major red flags that popped up during my conversation with the Army Guy. Why I ignored these very obvious red flags? I don't know. Stupidity is my best answer.
Red Flag #1- This wasn't really a date, it was more of a group hangout.
Red Flag #2- Army Guy mentioned that he was being deployed to Iraq within the next few years.
Red Flag #3- He wanted to be an actor. And by actor I mean he was trying to be in commercials.
Red Flag #4 Army Guy said he was thinking about getting a vasectomy so he wouldn't accidentally have any kids. YUP, if that isn't a red flag I don't know what is. The best part is that I pretty much chose to ignore that tid bit of information and go on like all was well in this world. I didn't even tell any of my friends about that comment- so SURPRISE! Now you know.
Despite all of this I chose to stick my head in the sand and carry on. Right after the tailgate party we ended up going out to a local bar and continued the date (even though one of his friends was still tagging along- Red Flag #5). I am too ashamed to admit to what happened after this, so I'm not going to. All I am going to say is, you know how when you've been on a diet and there is this 1,000 calorie slab of double chocolate cake staring at you say "Eat me, I am so delicious" and you know that you shouldn't eat it because it's totally wrong? Same rule applied to Bachelor #6.
But I went on a second date with Bachelor #6 the weekend after. It was a Friday night and he was going to pick me up at 7:30. I automatically assumed we were going out to dinner, considering it was around the time most people eat. I had also told Bachelor #6 to plan on what we were going to do because I liked to be surprised. Well I was surprised when he said he hadn't had time to plan anything- Red Flag #6 (inconsiderate and lazy). I said lets go eat. He said "I already ate." I said "Seriously? You ate?" He said he could eat again and suggested we go have sushi (Red Flag #7- he already ate). So we went to have sushi, and it wasn't the best sushi place I've been to, but it also wasn't the worst. After sushi he took me to this park near his house. Yes a park, as in swings, slides and other shit for kids to jump and play on. I was trying to stay open minded when he said he and his friends liked coming to this particular park to mess around (Red Flag #8- grown men shouldn't be at children's parks). I'll admit, I haven't been at a park in well over 20 years so it was sort of fun running around and climbing up and sliding down things. After the park we went back to my place and watched a scary movie. All in all, despite the red flags I had a good time.
For date #3 Army Guy was supposed to come over for dinner. This is one of the rules that I broke from "Why Men Love Bitches." Do not cook for a man- he has to earn it. This guy definitely had not earned it. I spent so much time making this beautiful lasagna. He came over for dinner and I had just put the lasagna in the oven when he said he was "turning into a pumpkin soon" because he "forgot" he had made plans to go to a friend's birthday party in Hollywood and he was driving over with his friends (Red Flag #9). I said "well you could have let me know and we could have rescheduled." He said "Could we do lunch tomorrow?" I broke another rule by saying that was fine and accomodating his fucked up schedule. However, in my defense, I was trying to be more laid back about everything and not get so uptight, which I admit I got that way now and then with my ex.
The next day he texted saying "Can lunch be moved to dinner?" Red Flag #10. Again, I was super nice and said sure. So the plan was that he was coming over for dinner at 8pm. Right at 8 everything was ready- food was heated and table was set. At that moment this mother fucker sent me a text saying, and I quote "Not gonna make it." Red Flag #11, 12, 13, 14 and 15. I said "Are you serious? Not at all?" He said "Sorry." His execuse was that he was at a movie and it was longer than he had anticipated. I knew this was bull shit because I saw on his Facebook profile that he had just accepted an invite to another birthday party that night- that is why he was bailing on me. So I called him out on it and said "If you had another party to go to you could've just told me instead of wasting my time again. Don't ever contact me again"
And that was the end of Bachelor #6. As for the amazing lasagna I prepared? I shared that with my sister and her fiance; my parents also benefitted from his douchebaggery. At least they appreciated my cooking.
There is a book I read many years ago that I hold near and dear to my heart called "Why Men Love Bitches," by Sherry Argov. If you are a single woman you are doing yourself a diservice by not reading this book. Not only is it hilarious, but all of the tips and information in there are true and useful. She basically outlines every single thing women tend to do with men that they should NOT do, including but not limited to 1) Don't always be available when he asks you out, 2) Don't sleep with him right away, 3) Don't be accomodating all of the time, 4) Don't cook for him.... the list goes on and on. With Bachelor #6 I subconsciously broke every single major rule that this woman laid out. BIG MISTAKE (which I learned from).
I met Bachelor #6 on Match. He was a good looking guy, actively serving in the Army (score beans!), my age, from the Midwest, lived nearby and was a "wannabe actor." He was also finishing up school (but for the life of me I can't remember what he was even majoring in). On our first date he invited me out to a UCLA tailgate party at the Rose Bowl. I had never been to a tailgate party before so I thought it would be loads of fun, I was also trying really hard to be open minded when it came to these unusual dates. We ended up going to the party with a group of his friends who were all very funny, very nice, very personable people. The tailgate party ended up being a ton of fun. People were playing beer pong, there was bbq, people were sticking their heads in a bucket of ice water to see who could stay in there the longest... it was very entertaining. Despite the fun I was having there were a few major red flags that popped up during my conversation with the Army Guy. Why I ignored these very obvious red flags? I don't know. Stupidity is my best answer.
Red Flag #1- This wasn't really a date, it was more of a group hangout.
Red Flag #2- Army Guy mentioned that he was being deployed to Iraq within the next few years.
Red Flag #3- He wanted to be an actor. And by actor I mean he was trying to be in commercials.
Red Flag #4 Army Guy said he was thinking about getting a vasectomy so he wouldn't accidentally have any kids. YUP, if that isn't a red flag I don't know what is. The best part is that I pretty much chose to ignore that tid bit of information and go on like all was well in this world. I didn't even tell any of my friends about that comment- so SURPRISE! Now you know.
Despite all of this I chose to stick my head in the sand and carry on. Right after the tailgate party we ended up going out to a local bar and continued the date (even though one of his friends was still tagging along- Red Flag #5). I am too ashamed to admit to what happened after this, so I'm not going to. All I am going to say is, you know how when you've been on a diet and there is this 1,000 calorie slab of double chocolate cake staring at you say "Eat me, I am so delicious" and you know that you shouldn't eat it because it's totally wrong? Same rule applied to Bachelor #6.
But I went on a second date with Bachelor #6 the weekend after. It was a Friday night and he was going to pick me up at 7:30. I automatically assumed we were going out to dinner, considering it was around the time most people eat. I had also told Bachelor #6 to plan on what we were going to do because I liked to be surprised. Well I was surprised when he said he hadn't had time to plan anything- Red Flag #6 (inconsiderate and lazy). I said lets go eat. He said "I already ate." I said "Seriously? You ate?" He said he could eat again and suggested we go have sushi (Red Flag #7- he already ate). So we went to have sushi, and it wasn't the best sushi place I've been to, but it also wasn't the worst. After sushi he took me to this park near his house. Yes a park, as in swings, slides and other shit for kids to jump and play on. I was trying to stay open minded when he said he and his friends liked coming to this particular park to mess around (Red Flag #8- grown men shouldn't be at children's parks). I'll admit, I haven't been at a park in well over 20 years so it was sort of fun running around and climbing up and sliding down things. After the park we went back to my place and watched a scary movie. All in all, despite the red flags I had a good time.
For date #3 Army Guy was supposed to come over for dinner. This is one of the rules that I broke from "Why Men Love Bitches." Do not cook for a man- he has to earn it. This guy definitely had not earned it. I spent so much time making this beautiful lasagna. He came over for dinner and I had just put the lasagna in the oven when he said he was "turning into a pumpkin soon" because he "forgot" he had made plans to go to a friend's birthday party in Hollywood and he was driving over with his friends (Red Flag #9). I said "well you could have let me know and we could have rescheduled." He said "Could we do lunch tomorrow?" I broke another rule by saying that was fine and accomodating his fucked up schedule. However, in my defense, I was trying to be more laid back about everything and not get so uptight, which I admit I got that way now and then with my ex.
The next day he texted saying "Can lunch be moved to dinner?" Red Flag #10. Again, I was super nice and said sure. So the plan was that he was coming over for dinner at 8pm. Right at 8 everything was ready- food was heated and table was set. At that moment this mother fucker sent me a text saying, and I quote "Not gonna make it." Red Flag #11, 12, 13, 14 and 15. I said "Are you serious? Not at all?" He said "Sorry." His execuse was that he was at a movie and it was longer than he had anticipated. I knew this was bull shit because I saw on his Facebook profile that he had just accepted an invite to another birthday party that night- that is why he was bailing on me. So I called him out on it and said "If you had another party to go to you could've just told me instead of wasting my time again. Don't ever contact me again"
And that was the end of Bachelor #6. As for the amazing lasagna I prepared? I shared that with my sister and her fiance; my parents also benefitted from his douchebaggery. At least they appreciated my cooking.
Wednesday, February 6, 2013
The Untold Non-Bachelor Stories
Ok so many of you are requesting to hear about the non-bachelors that I have.... ummmm.... come across during my journey. Let me preface by saying 1) After you are with someone for so long and they break your heart you don't really utilize your common sense to the fullest degree, 2) After a breakup you just want to have some damn fun- God knows my ex had turned into an old fart toward the end (perhaps a little Viagra might have helped him- oh yeah I just went there), 3) I am not, nor have I ever been a wild woman. I have been a pretty conservative girl to be quite honest (hard to believe, I know). So don't judge me (especially you mom!).
I've had a friend for over 7 years who is in the military. We had kept in touch off and on over the years. He's based out on the East coast and he actually came out to pay me a visit right after my breakup (he was visiting his family out here so he stopped by to see me since he was on this side of the country). It was Cinco de Mayo to be exact and we had a great time. A few weeks later we were chatting and I mentioned that I had a 4 day weekend coming up for Memorial Day. He too had a 4 day weekend and said "You should fly out to visit." Well, I had an airline credit since I was no longer going to Hawaii (thanks to my douchebag ex-boyfriend), and I was feeling particularly spontaneous. So that night I booked a flight to Baltimore and left the next night. Never in my life have I just spontaneously booked a flight anywhere to see anyone. But I couldn't have been happier that I did it. We had so much fun sightseeing and visiting DC, especially since it was Memorial Day it was even more meaningful. I know it might be hard for some people to understand why I just took off and didn't really tell anyone. But once you've been through something so hard and heart breaking, sometimes you just want to disappear and have an adventure and not tell anyone, because there will always be those who judge you or say "You're crazy," "You're reckless," "You're stupid." I did not want anyone to poo poo my trip or my experience. It was one of the most memorable trips of my life and I think being with him helped me get over my ex-boyfriend faster than I would have if I hadn't seen him. He made me feel good and it gave me hope.
The next non-bachelor story is one that I am not too proud of, but it makes for a fun story so I am compelled to share. The weekend after the 4th of July (right before I began dating any bachelor) my best friend and I took a weekend trip to San Diego. It was the weekend after I had just gone to Vegas, so I was feeling particularly party animalish. Well those who know me are aware that I am obsessed with guys in the military. I have been obsessed since I saw Pearl Harbor (I wanted to be a military nurse after I saw that movie because it was so romantic). I went to San Diego on a mission to find some cute Marines to talk to. The first night we ended up going to a bar where we met some random English guys. One of them was nice, one was boring and the other looked like he had a stick up his ass and thought the UK was better than the US (as if!). We didn't hang out with them for very long. We began walking around the Gaslamp district and wandered into this hole in the wall Mexican bar that had karaoke (score beans!). As soon as we walked in there was a group of good looking Marines right at the bar. My friend, being the amazing wingwoman that she is, walked over and just introduced us to them. We immediately began chatting it up. The guys were buying us drinks, we sang karaoke, all around it was a fun time. There was one guy in particular that I was talking to, I call him Kyle #1. He seemed more reserved but was cute and we exchanged numbers.
The very next night my friend and I were walking past the Mexican bar we had been to the night before. All of a sudden I hear a group of guys yell my name. I didn't realize who they were so I looked over, smiled and waved. My friend asked "Do you remember who they are?" I said no. She said "They were the guys we were talking to last night." Whoops! So we went back to the bar and said hello. They were outside smoking so we went inside to get a drink. One of the guys from the night before came up to me and said Kyle wanted to talk to me. Well I assumed it was Kyle #1 from last night. So I went outside and began chatting with him, and he seemed a bit standoffish. I thought it was odd so I went back inside the bar and found a table. Suddenly a young, good looking guy sat down next to me and began talking to me. He said his name was Kyle. HE was the one who wanted to talk to me apparently. From then on I named him Kyle #2 (or sometimes I referred to him as Kyle Also). He was a fun guy, from the Midwest (as most of them were) and was very flirtatious. He bought me a few drinks, we sang karaoke with his friends- it was a fun night. I quickly discovered that he was only 21. Yes, barely legal to drink! When he asked how old I was I lied and said 26, because what 21 year old wants to be hanging out with a 30 year old? (granted I still look like I am 24 to 26, but still). I don't really want to go into more details of this story, but before I turned 30 my friend and I made a list of things we wanted to do in our 30s. On my list I wrote "Have a cougar experience." Well if a 30 year old conquering a 21 year old isn't cougarish then I guess I have failed. Kyle #2 texted and called me several times over the course of several months after that weekend. What can I say, I'm a charmer. One weekend he unexpectedly took the train up from San Diego to where I live to come pay me a visit (he was with a friend and he had never been up to LA before). He's like a little puppy that just wants your attention. I haven't heard from him since. His unit was being sent to Afghanistan, so I just hope he and his buddies are all well. What can I say, I'm patriotic.
I've had a friend for over 7 years who is in the military. We had kept in touch off and on over the years. He's based out on the East coast and he actually came out to pay me a visit right after my breakup (he was visiting his family out here so he stopped by to see me since he was on this side of the country). It was Cinco de Mayo to be exact and we had a great time. A few weeks later we were chatting and I mentioned that I had a 4 day weekend coming up for Memorial Day. He too had a 4 day weekend and said "You should fly out to visit." Well, I had an airline credit since I was no longer going to Hawaii (thanks to my douchebag ex-boyfriend), and I was feeling particularly spontaneous. So that night I booked a flight to Baltimore and left the next night. Never in my life have I just spontaneously booked a flight anywhere to see anyone. But I couldn't have been happier that I did it. We had so much fun sightseeing and visiting DC, especially since it was Memorial Day it was even more meaningful. I know it might be hard for some people to understand why I just took off and didn't really tell anyone. But once you've been through something so hard and heart breaking, sometimes you just want to disappear and have an adventure and not tell anyone, because there will always be those who judge you or say "You're crazy," "You're reckless," "You're stupid." I did not want anyone to poo poo my trip or my experience. It was one of the most memorable trips of my life and I think being with him helped me get over my ex-boyfriend faster than I would have if I hadn't seen him. He made me feel good and it gave me hope.
The next non-bachelor story is one that I am not too proud of, but it makes for a fun story so I am compelled to share. The weekend after the 4th of July (right before I began dating any bachelor) my best friend and I took a weekend trip to San Diego. It was the weekend after I had just gone to Vegas, so I was feeling particularly party animalish. Well those who know me are aware that I am obsessed with guys in the military. I have been obsessed since I saw Pearl Harbor (I wanted to be a military nurse after I saw that movie because it was so romantic). I went to San Diego on a mission to find some cute Marines to talk to. The first night we ended up going to a bar where we met some random English guys. One of them was nice, one was boring and the other looked like he had a stick up his ass and thought the UK was better than the US (as if!). We didn't hang out with them for very long. We began walking around the Gaslamp district and wandered into this hole in the wall Mexican bar that had karaoke (score beans!). As soon as we walked in there was a group of good looking Marines right at the bar. My friend, being the amazing wingwoman that she is, walked over and just introduced us to them. We immediately began chatting it up. The guys were buying us drinks, we sang karaoke, all around it was a fun time. There was one guy in particular that I was talking to, I call him Kyle #1. He seemed more reserved but was cute and we exchanged numbers.
The very next night my friend and I were walking past the Mexican bar we had been to the night before. All of a sudden I hear a group of guys yell my name. I didn't realize who they were so I looked over, smiled and waved. My friend asked "Do you remember who they are?" I said no. She said "They were the guys we were talking to last night." Whoops! So we went back to the bar and said hello. They were outside smoking so we went inside to get a drink. One of the guys from the night before came up to me and said Kyle wanted to talk to me. Well I assumed it was Kyle #1 from last night. So I went outside and began chatting with him, and he seemed a bit standoffish. I thought it was odd so I went back inside the bar and found a table. Suddenly a young, good looking guy sat down next to me and began talking to me. He said his name was Kyle. HE was the one who wanted to talk to me apparently. From then on I named him Kyle #2 (or sometimes I referred to him as Kyle Also). He was a fun guy, from the Midwest (as most of them were) and was very flirtatious. He bought me a few drinks, we sang karaoke with his friends- it was a fun night. I quickly discovered that he was only 21. Yes, barely legal to drink! When he asked how old I was I lied and said 26, because what 21 year old wants to be hanging out with a 30 year old? (granted I still look like I am 24 to 26, but still). I don't really want to go into more details of this story, but before I turned 30 my friend and I made a list of things we wanted to do in our 30s. On my list I wrote "Have a cougar experience." Well if a 30 year old conquering a 21 year old isn't cougarish then I guess I have failed. Kyle #2 texted and called me several times over the course of several months after that weekend. What can I say, I'm a charmer. One weekend he unexpectedly took the train up from San Diego to where I live to come pay me a visit (he was with a friend and he had never been up to LA before). He's like a little puppy that just wants your attention. I haven't heard from him since. His unit was being sent to Afghanistan, so I just hope he and his buddies are all well. What can I say, I'm patriotic.
Bachelor #5- Need a Lift
Bachelor #5 is not a very exciting story whatsoever. I had just gotten back from Europe and I took a few extra days off from work to adjust to the time change. I was actively ignoring Bachelor #4's incessant texts asking if I was back to the motherland, when I began suddenly corresponding with Bachelor #5 on Match. We were emailing and texting back and forth multiple times one day and he asked me if I wanted to grab some dinner. I figured "What the hell, I'm not doing anything tonight" so I agreed to meet him up at a Mexican place on 3rd St. Promenade in Santa Monica since he worked down there. Again, I was being way too accommodating which I know not to do moving forward.
So I got there a bit early and ended up wandering around Pier 1 (which I love doing) and then he had walked over from his office to this Mexican place and let me know he was there. So I got there, and once again, I was very underwhelmed by his appearance- particularly the face. It's really a scam with these men online. They are posting pictures that are not recent and they are much older looking (and not so attractive) in person. He was nice, but not too exciting. I really can't even remember much of what he talked about. He paid for dinner at least and as we were leaving he asked me if I could drop him off at his apartment which was nearby because his car was in the shop. I was like "ummmm ok" hence the name "Need a Lift." I know what you're thinking. IDIOT! Why would you let a stranger in your car? Honestly there was no part of him that was threatening, and he wasn't very tall. So really, what could he do? Again, a lesson I have learned so get off my back.
Well a few days later he actually texted asking me out again, but immediately after the date I deleted his number because I never anticipated hearing from him again (nor did I care to). So I didn't even know at the time who was asking me out again. That's the extent of this story (I warned you it wasn't that interesting).
So I got there a bit early and ended up wandering around Pier 1 (which I love doing) and then he had walked over from his office to this Mexican place and let me know he was there. So I got there, and once again, I was very underwhelmed by his appearance- particularly the face. It's really a scam with these men online. They are posting pictures that are not recent and they are much older looking (and not so attractive) in person. He was nice, but not too exciting. I really can't even remember much of what he talked about. He paid for dinner at least and as we were leaving he asked me if I could drop him off at his apartment which was nearby because his car was in the shop. I was like "ummmm ok" hence the name "Need a Lift." I know what you're thinking. IDIOT! Why would you let a stranger in your car? Honestly there was no part of him that was threatening, and he wasn't very tall. So really, what could he do? Again, a lesson I have learned so get off my back.
Well a few days later he actually texted asking me out again, but immediately after the date I deleted his number because I never anticipated hearing from him again (nor did I care to). So I didn't even know at the time who was asking me out again. That's the extent of this story (I warned you it wasn't that interesting).
Bachelor #4- Static Cling
Bachelor #4 is a more amusing story I suppose. I refer to him as Static Cling because he was super clingy- mind you we only went out 3 times right before I set off for my European adventure.
My first date with Static Cling was literally right after my coffee date with Bachelor #3. We met up at one of my favorite bars near my house (yay a guy who drove to my neck of the woods!)
He wasn't bad looking, tall, in shape, my age and a year out of the Army (what are the odds of having 2 dates with ex-Army guys in 1 night?). He was very nice and we had a lot to talk about. He shared a lot of interesting stories from the Army, and I had a lot of respect for his service especially since he had been wounded multiple times (allegedly). After the date we talked on the phone several times. In my mind I thought I had genuinely liked him, but I still had a nagging feeling in my gut.
For date #2 he took me to the beach and he had made us a picnic. I will admit that was very thoughtful and pretty awesome on his part. I gave him points for that. He made pear and brie paninis that were really damn good and he had a nice veggie tray and hummus. It was a nice evening. The topper was when we randomly started talking about our favorite drinks. I said I loved wine, especially Santa Margherita. Well like a damn magician this guy pulls out a bottle of Santa Margherita from the damn picnic basket! I was like "How the hell did you know that was my favorite wine?" He said "I just guessed." That was really cool. But despite all of that, there was still something bothering me that I couldn't really figure out.
All of my girlfriends and coworkers said to give him a chance, that he sounded so sweet, yada yada. This was all true, but there were some things about him, that I should've mentioned, that bothered me.
1. He was still living at home and not done with college. Ok I get that you are going to school and need to save money- but I am at a point in my life where I am looking for a man who is established and self sufficient. He wasn't.
2. He worked as a security guard at a theme park. Again- not the profession of someone who is in a place to settle down with a wife and family.
3. He said "fuck'n" a lot, that just annoyed me.
4. Being with him felt like I was dating a guy in high school because of the first 3 reasons above.
5. Not once did I really feel that physically attracted to him. In fact I did everything in my power to avoid being in a position in which a kiss could possibly happen.
Despite all of these things I decided to give him 1 more chance before I split for Europe. We went out for sushi on date #3 and we split the bill. I'm sorry, but when you are in the wooing stage, you still have to pay. Not only that but we didn't even order a bunch of things like most people do- he ordered like a tempura basket or something. It was just an awkward dinner. After that I was talking about going to Europe and he got all weird on me saying he was really sad I was leaving. I was like "I'm not moving away, I'm coming back chill out." At that moment I realized he was a clinger. I can't date clingers.
While I was partying it up in Paris during the 2nd week of my trip he even sent me a text saying he missed me. I never responded. How can you miss someone you JUST met and only went out with 3 times? When I got back to the US I avoided him like the Black Plague. I didn't respond to texts or emails. In my mind that is a clear sign to move on, but he was not having that. For weeks he continued to text me. I finally removed my profile from OKCupid (yes I met him on there) and he sent a text promptly after saying "I see you deleted your profile. I hate the lucky bastard that got you. I still want to see you. Can we be friends and get drinks?" I continued to ignore him and he texted me a few times after that.
All I can say is that my gut was right the entire time- something was up with Static Cling and I'm glad I got some Static Guard to remove him from my ass.
My first date with Static Cling was literally right after my coffee date with Bachelor #3. We met up at one of my favorite bars near my house (yay a guy who drove to my neck of the woods!)
He wasn't bad looking, tall, in shape, my age and a year out of the Army (what are the odds of having 2 dates with ex-Army guys in 1 night?). He was very nice and we had a lot to talk about. He shared a lot of interesting stories from the Army, and I had a lot of respect for his service especially since he had been wounded multiple times (allegedly). After the date we talked on the phone several times. In my mind I thought I had genuinely liked him, but I still had a nagging feeling in my gut.
For date #2 he took me to the beach and he had made us a picnic. I will admit that was very thoughtful and pretty awesome on his part. I gave him points for that. He made pear and brie paninis that were really damn good and he had a nice veggie tray and hummus. It was a nice evening. The topper was when we randomly started talking about our favorite drinks. I said I loved wine, especially Santa Margherita. Well like a damn magician this guy pulls out a bottle of Santa Margherita from the damn picnic basket! I was like "How the hell did you know that was my favorite wine?" He said "I just guessed." That was really cool. But despite all of that, there was still something bothering me that I couldn't really figure out.
All of my girlfriends and coworkers said to give him a chance, that he sounded so sweet, yada yada. This was all true, but there were some things about him, that I should've mentioned, that bothered me.
1. He was still living at home and not done with college. Ok I get that you are going to school and need to save money- but I am at a point in my life where I am looking for a man who is established and self sufficient. He wasn't.
2. He worked as a security guard at a theme park. Again- not the profession of someone who is in a place to settle down with a wife and family.
3. He said "fuck'n" a lot, that just annoyed me.
4. Being with him felt like I was dating a guy in high school because of the first 3 reasons above.
5. Not once did I really feel that physically attracted to him. In fact I did everything in my power to avoid being in a position in which a kiss could possibly happen.
Despite all of these things I decided to give him 1 more chance before I split for Europe. We went out for sushi on date #3 and we split the bill. I'm sorry, but when you are in the wooing stage, you still have to pay. Not only that but we didn't even order a bunch of things like most people do- he ordered like a tempura basket or something. It was just an awkward dinner. After that I was talking about going to Europe and he got all weird on me saying he was really sad I was leaving. I was like "I'm not moving away, I'm coming back chill out." At that moment I realized he was a clinger. I can't date clingers.
While I was partying it up in Paris during the 2nd week of my trip he even sent me a text saying he missed me. I never responded. How can you miss someone you JUST met and only went out with 3 times? When I got back to the US I avoided him like the Black Plague. I didn't respond to texts or emails. In my mind that is a clear sign to move on, but he was not having that. For weeks he continued to text me. I finally removed my profile from OKCupid (yes I met him on there) and he sent a text promptly after saying "I see you deleted your profile. I hate the lucky bastard that got you. I still want to see you. Can we be friends and get drinks?" I continued to ignore him and he texted me a few times after that.
All I can say is that my gut was right the entire time- something was up with Static Cling and I'm glad I got some Static Guard to remove him from my ass.
Bachelor # 3- The Coffee Date
There is nothing I hate more than a first coffee date. Why? Because usually it's the slowest, most boring hour of my life, and more often than not the date I am meeting is already half way through his beverage before I even sit down. RUDE!
I met up with Coffee Date at a Starbucks near LACMA (again I met him on OKCupid). I really should've made his ass treck down to my neck of the woods for some stupid coffee, and I have since learned to be less accommodating. If you want to go out with me your ass better be prepared to drive. But I digress...
Of course I showed up on time and he already has his coffee. At that moment I knew I was not going to go out with him again. If you can't be polite and wait for me to show up so you can pay for my coffee then fuck off. Don't get me wrong, he seemed like a nice person, not the most exciting man I've met but he was certainly no Old Face. He was ex-Army and was finishing up a masters degree. I think he said he wanted to teach, but I can't remember because I lost interest quickly.
We had a decent conversation and he said he wanted to see me again. I was polite and said "Yeah sure that would be great" even though my mind was already made up that I never wanted to speak to him again. He broke the coffee courtesy rule so I ignored all future texts from him.
That same night after coffee I went off to my next date with Bachelor # 4.
I met up with Coffee Date at a Starbucks near LACMA (again I met him on OKCupid). I really should've made his ass treck down to my neck of the woods for some stupid coffee, and I have since learned to be less accommodating. If you want to go out with me your ass better be prepared to drive. But I digress...
Of course I showed up on time and he already has his coffee. At that moment I knew I was not going to go out with him again. If you can't be polite and wait for me to show up so you can pay for my coffee then fuck off. Don't get me wrong, he seemed like a nice person, not the most exciting man I've met but he was certainly no Old Face. He was ex-Army and was finishing up a masters degree. I think he said he wanted to teach, but I can't remember because I lost interest quickly.
We had a decent conversation and he said he wanted to see me again. I was polite and said "Yeah sure that would be great" even though my mind was already made up that I never wanted to speak to him again. He broke the coffee courtesy rule so I ignored all future texts from him.
That same night after coffee I went off to my next date with Bachelor # 4.
Bachelor # 2.5- The Hot Guy at the Bar
The hot guy at the bar never made it to full bachelorhood, so he doesn't get an actual number. This story is rather brief, but one that many women know all too well.
I was at my favorite local dive bar with one of my best friends the night after I went out with Old Face. We were sitting at the bar when a really hot guy and his less attractive group of friends walked in. I honestly never anticipated talking to him, but my friend is an incredible wingwoman. We started talking to Hot Guy and his friends about music since one of my favorite local bands was getting ready to perform. Hot Guy worked in music (allegedly) and seemed to be really interesting. Did I mention he was hot? He was also 36- which normally I would say is past my cutoff point for age, but I was willing to let it slide.
I left to use the ladies room and when I came back my friend whispered to me that he asked her if I was single, and she told him I was. Score beans! So he came back over and sat next to me and we started talking some more. We talked quite a bit to be honest.
Well this fool proceeded to go through this big theatrical performance of asking for my phone number and telling me that he wanted to take me out on a date and saying he thought I was really cute. Double score beans! So I gave him my number and he gave me his. This is where the red flag came up- before he and his friends left he said "Call me because I really want to take you out." To which I said "No- you call me. If you want to take me out you need to call me." He asked "Oh are you the old fashioned type?" and I said "Yes. And you better do it soon because I am going to Europe in 2 weeks and I might not come back." And he just smiled and laughed.
Well Hot Guy never called. He texted a few times asking "hey what's going on" and that usual bull shit that men pull, but he never called to ask me out like he said he wanted to. He was probably too much of a little bitch. Why would you waste your breath and my time asking for my number, telling me you want to take me out, and then not do so? That just made him look really lame and if I ever see him at my local dive bar again I will not be afraid to tell him so.
Maybe God was trying to throw me another bone with a little self esteem booster since Old Face had been such a flop the night before. Dear God- please don't throw me bones at my local dive bar.
I was at my favorite local dive bar with one of my best friends the night after I went out with Old Face. We were sitting at the bar when a really hot guy and his less attractive group of friends walked in. I honestly never anticipated talking to him, but my friend is an incredible wingwoman. We started talking to Hot Guy and his friends about music since one of my favorite local bands was getting ready to perform. Hot Guy worked in music (allegedly) and seemed to be really interesting. Did I mention he was hot? He was also 36- which normally I would say is past my cutoff point for age, but I was willing to let it slide.
I left to use the ladies room and when I came back my friend whispered to me that he asked her if I was single, and she told him I was. Score beans! So he came back over and sat next to me and we started talking some more. We talked quite a bit to be honest.
Well this fool proceeded to go through this big theatrical performance of asking for my phone number and telling me that he wanted to take me out on a date and saying he thought I was really cute. Double score beans! So I gave him my number and he gave me his. This is where the red flag came up- before he and his friends left he said "Call me because I really want to take you out." To which I said "No- you call me. If you want to take me out you need to call me." He asked "Oh are you the old fashioned type?" and I said "Yes. And you better do it soon because I am going to Europe in 2 weeks and I might not come back." And he just smiled and laughed.
Well Hot Guy never called. He texted a few times asking "hey what's going on" and that usual bull shit that men pull, but he never called to ask me out like he said he wanted to. He was probably too much of a little bitch. Why would you waste your breath and my time asking for my number, telling me you want to take me out, and then not do so? That just made him look really lame and if I ever see him at my local dive bar again I will not be afraid to tell him so.
Maybe God was trying to throw me another bone with a little self esteem booster since Old Face had been such a flop the night before. Dear God- please don't throw me bones at my local dive bar.
Tuesday, February 5, 2013
Bachelor #2- Old Face
Bachelor #2 I refer to as Old Face because, well, he had an old looking face. We met on OKCupid (again, before I realized how creepy the general population was) and he was a 33 year old going to law school (allegedly). I thought to myself "Self- you need to start dating men who are more mature and who have serious professions." WRONG.
So after a few back and forth phone calls, which impressed me because no man in this day and age bothers to pick up a phone and call, we met up for a few drinks out in Hollywood. I should've realized he was an old fart when he suggested Musso and Franks. I got there before Old Face and sat at the bar, amongst all of the old men. I was sipping on a glass of wine when Old Face approached me. I can only imagine the look on my face when I saw him- YIKES! This guy was probably 33 years old approximately 10 years ago. He reminded me of a deflated tire. I should've asked for his ID, but I thought to myself "Self- give him a chance and don't be so superficial, he might be a nice, interesting fellow." He was not interesting. In fact, he seemed like the soul, spirit and life had been sucked from his body. I was trying my best to be my fun, lively and humorous self- but it was rather difficult.
Time ticked slowly by. I wanted desperately to run out of that place and be amongst some happy, fun people (that were my age). I can't even remember what he contributed to the conversation. I think we had discussed his visit with his grandfather, but I am not entirely sure. I immediately thought to myself "Self- you need to make sure he never wants to see you again." So I began recounting all of my drinking stories that I have accumulated with my friends over the last year. If I made myself sound like a lush or a party animal I was certain he would never bother to contact me again.
After the painful drinks were over we walked outside on to Hollywood Blvd and I will never forget what he said. There were a bunch of younger folks walking around, all hooched out in their "going out to a club" outfits and he said "God I hate Hollywood, I am not into the bar or club scene." As he was saying that all I could think was "My God- what I wouldn't give to be going to a club with these people right now instead of standing here with Grandpa Time."
After I drove back and went straight to Jack n the Box because I was starving (God forbid a guy fork over a few bucks for some appetizers). I then went home and called my sister crying because I was so disappointed at what a dud Old Face was. I said to her "Everyone is old and boring and I will never be able to find anyone who is fun like me." She gave me a pep talk and then I proceeded to scarf down a double cheeseburger and some curly fries- that was the highlight of the night.
So after a few back and forth phone calls, which impressed me because no man in this day and age bothers to pick up a phone and call, we met up for a few drinks out in Hollywood. I should've realized he was an old fart when he suggested Musso and Franks. I got there before Old Face and sat at the bar, amongst all of the old men. I was sipping on a glass of wine when Old Face approached me. I can only imagine the look on my face when I saw him- YIKES! This guy was probably 33 years old approximately 10 years ago. He reminded me of a deflated tire. I should've asked for his ID, but I thought to myself "Self- give him a chance and don't be so superficial, he might be a nice, interesting fellow." He was not interesting. In fact, he seemed like the soul, spirit and life had been sucked from his body. I was trying my best to be my fun, lively and humorous self- but it was rather difficult.
Time ticked slowly by. I wanted desperately to run out of that place and be amongst some happy, fun people (that were my age). I can't even remember what he contributed to the conversation. I think we had discussed his visit with his grandfather, but I am not entirely sure. I immediately thought to myself "Self- you need to make sure he never wants to see you again." So I began recounting all of my drinking stories that I have accumulated with my friends over the last year. If I made myself sound like a lush or a party animal I was certain he would never bother to contact me again.
After the painful drinks were over we walked outside on to Hollywood Blvd and I will never forget what he said. There were a bunch of younger folks walking around, all hooched out in their "going out to a club" outfits and he said "God I hate Hollywood, I am not into the bar or club scene." As he was saying that all I could think was "My God- what I wouldn't give to be going to a club with these people right now instead of standing here with Grandpa Time."
After I drove back and went straight to Jack n the Box because I was starving (God forbid a guy fork over a few bucks for some appetizers). I then went home and called my sister crying because I was so disappointed at what a dud Old Face was. I said to her "Everyone is old and boring and I will never be able to find anyone who is fun like me." She gave me a pep talk and then I proceeded to scarf down a double cheeseburger and some curly fries- that was the highlight of the night.
Bachelor #1- The Stunt Man
Bachelor #1 was my first post-breakup date. We met on OKCupid, which I would not recommend to anyone. Here is my beef with OKCupid:
1. The site itself sucks. If you have epilepsy and can't handle flashing display ads, then do not go on this site because it will give you a seizure.
2. Many of the men on this site are creepy. This is probably because the site is free to use, and this in itself attracts creepy, broke ass people. I'm not saying everyone on OKCupid is creepy and/or cheap, but it seems to be a magnet from my brief experience.
3. There are a lot of people on this site just looking to "hook up" if you get my drift. Yeah- nasty.
But I met Bachelor #1 before I became privvy to any of this. Bachelor #1 was a hot, 29 year old, stunt man (allegedly). We met up at a cool little bar on the West Side and had a great time. We had a few drinks, shared some stories, had a few laughs, he told me all about the fascinating world of stunt men; it was a good date. I believe God took mercy on me considering what I had just gone through, so he threw me a bone and was like "here, start with this hot guy."
As he was waiting with me for the valet to bring my car I knew in my gut that I would never see him again. How did I know this? Because 1) He's 29 and hot- no young hot guy is looking to settle down- let's be real 2) He was a stunt man- not exactly the profession of a man you would settle down with.
I never heard from Bachelor #1 again, but I didn't really care because I had already lined up a date with Bachelor #2.
1. The site itself sucks. If you have epilepsy and can't handle flashing display ads, then do not go on this site because it will give you a seizure.
2. Many of the men on this site are creepy. This is probably because the site is free to use, and this in itself attracts creepy, broke ass people. I'm not saying everyone on OKCupid is creepy and/or cheap, but it seems to be a magnet from my brief experience.
3. There are a lot of people on this site just looking to "hook up" if you get my drift. Yeah- nasty.
But I met Bachelor #1 before I became privvy to any of this. Bachelor #1 was a hot, 29 year old, stunt man (allegedly). We met up at a cool little bar on the West Side and had a great time. We had a few drinks, shared some stories, had a few laughs, he told me all about the fascinating world of stunt men; it was a good date. I believe God took mercy on me considering what I had just gone through, so he threw me a bone and was like "here, start with this hot guy."
As he was waiting with me for the valet to bring my car I knew in my gut that I would never see him again. How did I know this? Because 1) He's 29 and hot- no young hot guy is looking to settle down- let's be real 2) He was a stunt man- not exactly the profession of a man you would settle down with.
I never heard from Bachelor #1 again, but I didn't really care because I had already lined up a date with Bachelor #2.
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