I should've known better than to accept to be set up by well-meaning sister. The first time I was set up by her I was 23 years old. She set me up with the security guard at her office building- he was 22. She was like "oh he's cute, he's blonde- you like blondes, he's funny, you'll have fun." So I think "Sure! Why not?" Well this kid picks me up in his crappy old mini van and we go to Universal Citywalk. We had a fun time hanging out, and when he dropped me off at home I figured I would be bold and give him a good night kiss. It was literally the most awkward kiss I had ever experienced in my life. He kissed like a fish! From then on I named him Fish Lips. I was like "Why does he kiss like a fish?" I will never forget what he said to me... "This is my first kiss." No fucking way!!! That explained everything. How did he go 22 years without kissing a girl? It was such a turn off I never saw him again. I know that sounds harsh, but I did not want to be the kissing teacher to this kid. Blech!
Fast forward 7 years and I decide again to let my sister set me up with yet another co-worker. This time she literally went around her office asking people "Do you know anyone nice and single to set up with my sister? She has a good job." Well she found someone, he just looked and acted like a 13 year old boy who was really into Metallica. She said "Oh he's so nice and funny, and he has really nice long hair." Well there is 0 part of me that likes a guy with hair longer than mine, but I thought to myself "Self, give him a try, you can always cut his hair off later." So I agreed to meet up with him for a drink one night after work. We met up at Buffalo Wild Wings in Hollywood, red flag #1- don't ask me out to a shitty chain bar. When I saw him he literally looked like a grungy teenage boy, red flag #2. His first words to me were "Sorry if I seem buzzed, I saw some of my friends at the bar and had a shot with them," red flag #3. We sit down, I order my drink and he orders his 2nd beer, red flag #4, and we begin to chit chat, red flag #5 was that this fool would not look me in the eyes while we conversed. He literally looked past my head. For a minute I thought he was blind and that's why he wasn't making eye contact. Nope! He's just totally awkward and terrible at making conversation. It was really painful talking to him. While we were talking his friends came up to us and interrupted our conversation, red flag #6. It was an overall painful experience. We had absolutely nothing in common, he didn't seem that funny- which my sister claimed he was, and when the bill came I had to pay for my own damn drink- big red flag #7. I practically ran out of there when we were done. I never spoke to him again after that and I REFUSE to be set up by my sister ever again (unless she's setting me up with Ryan Gosling or Joseph Gordon Levitt).
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Monday, February 25, 2013
Monday, February 11, 2013
Men I Wish Could be Bachelors...
There are so many men I wish I could add to my list of Bachelors. Here is a sample of my list (only because so many ladies ask)...
1) Robert Pattinson- Did I ever mention that I've met Mr. Pattinson? Tis true. It was the AMC Emmy after party circa 2010. Mad Men was at it's peak and the entire cast was at the party. It was at SoHo House and as soon as I walked in I said "This party would only be better if Robert Pattinson were here." I was just joking because never in my life did I think it would happen. At 1am my friend ran up to me and said "You will never believe who just walked in- ROBERT PATTINSON" I thought "The dear Lord has brought him to me because I've had such a shitty week!" I was so shy and didn't have the nerve to come up to him. So my friend walked up to him and asked if I could come say hi because I was such a big fan. He waved me over and I shook his hand and said "Hello, I am such a huge fan meeting you has made my day, no it's made my LIFE." His skin was so soft and he had the smile of an angel. He was so nice and just indulged me, it was literally the greatest experience of my life. It is because of his gracious behavior and my true and undying love for him that he deserves the slot of Bachelor #1.
2) Ryan Gosling- I have been in love with Mr. Gosling since The Notebook. I cannot watch that movie without bursting into tears. He is gorgeous, but he is also so dreamy in every role that he plays. From the guy in "Drive" to the playboy in "Crazy, Stupid, Love". Yummo!
3) Ryan Reynolds- Yeah he's married.... but he's been married once before so lets see how long this one lasts.
4) Bradley Cooper- Seeing him in Silver Linings Playbook made me officially fall in love with him. Good lord!
That's kind if it for now to be honest. I'm sure I have had many a crush on other male celebrities, but these 4 really are it for me.
1) Robert Pattinson- Did I ever mention that I've met Mr. Pattinson? Tis true. It was the AMC Emmy after party circa 2010. Mad Men was at it's peak and the entire cast was at the party. It was at SoHo House and as soon as I walked in I said "This party would only be better if Robert Pattinson were here." I was just joking because never in my life did I think it would happen. At 1am my friend ran up to me and said "You will never believe who just walked in- ROBERT PATTINSON" I thought "The dear Lord has brought him to me because I've had such a shitty week!" I was so shy and didn't have the nerve to come up to him. So my friend walked up to him and asked if I could come say hi because I was such a big fan. He waved me over and I shook his hand and said "Hello, I am such a huge fan meeting you has made my day, no it's made my LIFE." His skin was so soft and he had the smile of an angel. He was so nice and just indulged me, it was literally the greatest experience of my life. It is because of his gracious behavior and my true and undying love for him that he deserves the slot of Bachelor #1.
2) Ryan Gosling- I have been in love with Mr. Gosling since The Notebook. I cannot watch that movie without bursting into tears. He is gorgeous, but he is also so dreamy in every role that he plays. From the guy in "Drive" to the playboy in "Crazy, Stupid, Love". Yummo!
3) Ryan Reynolds- Yeah he's married.... but he's been married once before so lets see how long this one lasts.
4) Bradley Cooper- Seeing him in Silver Linings Playbook made me officially fall in love with him. Good lord!
That's kind if it for now to be honest. I'm sure I have had many a crush on other male celebrities, but these 4 really are it for me.
Bachelors #9-10- Eh...
Bachelors 9 and 10 aren't very interesting and don't warrant their own blogs really.
Bachelor #9 was your average joe, lived in the South Bay and worked in IT. He was from Vegas originally which I think grabbed my interest. We met up at Santa Monica 3rd St Promenade for Taco Tuesday. Actually, we met up just to get coffee, and we were having such a nice time walking around and chatting that he asked me if I had eaten, and that is why we went to get tacos. But literally nothing happened after we had tacos. Never saw him again. The end.
Bachelor #10 was a nice Jewish boy, originally from Israel (he was actually in the Israeli army which I thought was hot). We met up for a drink one night, and again, after that nothing. Never saw him again.
Like I said... #9 and 10 are very boring.
Bachelor #9 was your average joe, lived in the South Bay and worked in IT. He was from Vegas originally which I think grabbed my interest. We met up at Santa Monica 3rd St Promenade for Taco Tuesday. Actually, we met up just to get coffee, and we were having such a nice time walking around and chatting that he asked me if I had eaten, and that is why we went to get tacos. But literally nothing happened after we had tacos. Never saw him again. The end.
Bachelor #10 was a nice Jewish boy, originally from Israel (he was actually in the Israeli army which I thought was hot). We met up for a drink one night, and again, after that nothing. Never saw him again.
Like I said... #9 and 10 are very boring.
Saturday, February 9, 2013
Bachelor #8- Meow Mix
Bachelor #8 is an interesting tale. Everything started off normally and got progressively bizarre. He was a good looking man, talk, dark, handsome, had been in the Marines, grew up in my hometown, went to UCLA and worked as a security guard for the SBE group. He was also really into cross-fit and had a smok'n body.
Our first date consisted of hiking. Normally I would never agree to a first date in which I could possible perspire profusely in front of a guy, but this time I thought to myself "Self- give it a go! Don't be afraid to do something different." I also thought to myself "Self- be careful that he doesn't try and kill you and throw your body into a ditch."
It was a fun hike, despite the fact that it was hotter than hell, I was huffing and puffing up the hill and I was sweaty. Bachelor #8 had some fun stories to share and I was entertained. After the hike we said goodbye, he said next time we could do something I picked, and that was that. I honestly didn't anticipate seeing or hearing from him again.
A week later to my surprise he asked me out to a movie. We saw Argo, which is a GREAT movie and everyone should go see it. Movie dates are always weird though because you're just sitting there in the dark for a few hours, and it's really hard to get to know one another when you aren't allowed to talk. After the movie he walked me to my car, stopped, and asked if I wanted to grab a drink. A little late to be asking if I wanted to get a drink, but I said yes anyway. So we went to Barneys Beanery and we chatted for a while (mostly about fitness- which was kind of boring but I was trying to seem interested).
That week Bachelor #8 called me multiple times (once again, rare behavior in modern men but always very appreciated). Soon after the movies he asked me out again to dinner. We went out again, and again, and again. Sometimes we would get a drink, many times he would come over and we would watch some Netflix. In total we had 12 dates- a new personal best since I've begun dating. And throughout these 12 dates I maintained complete control and acted like a proper lady. In fact, after one date when he started to get what I call "wandering hands" I told him that I was a proper lady and smacked his hand away. Part of me thought he had taken this very literally because after that he didn't try anything (which was fine). But by the 12th date I was beginning to wonder "What the hell is up with this guy?" Everyone convinced me that he was probably respecting what I said about being a proper lady, and that he was most likely waiting for me to give him a green light. So it was settled... I must make a move!
One night Bachelor 8 came over, and per usual, we began watching some Netflix. I was trying to set a romantic mood by turning on the Christmas lights and busting out some wine. Well I was the only one drinking the wine, and he was full on ignoring me and watching The Wonder Years. I had enough! I turned off the TV and threw the remote across the room and said to him "We can stop trying to out-virtue each other now!" He just stared at me. I promptly began ranting, as I have been known to do, and kept asking "What do you want from me? I just don't understand what you want! What would you do if I didn't have a Netflix subscription. Most men just want sex, but YOU! YOU don't want anything!"
The rest of my ranting is a bit of a blur, but I recall him picking me up and throwing me on my couch and pulling apart my legs and asking "Is this how you want me to act?" Well in my mind the answer was yes, because up until now he had been so damn boring! But I just stared at him. Well to sum up this night I can just say that I made a huge ass of myself because everyone encouraged me to bust a move. I had never been rejected before and boy did it sting!
After that I never imagined I would hear from him again since I had basically thrown myself at him. But sure enough that night he sent me a text asking how my day was, like nothing had happened the night before. This confused me even more! After this he disappeared for a week, later telling me he was up in the SF. The night before Christmas Eve he stopped by after work because he had something to tell me in person. He came over, I made some coffee, we sat down and he began giving me a foot rub. He then proceeded to tell me he had been accepted to Stanford and was moving in a month and that nothing physical had happened between us because he wanted to figure out his situation and he wanted to give me all of the information so I could decide for myself what I wanted. Now in theory this sounds very considerate, but come on! You're telling me all this the night before Christmas? Thanks for ruining my most favorite holiday asshole! So I told him "Well, I guess we're done. You should just go now." He was like "Really? You're kicking me out?" I said "Yes, you're leaving so that's it." He was like "But I'm not leaving for a month, I don't see how this changes things between us. We can still see each other." I said "I am 30 years old, I am not doing a long distance relationship. Maybe if we had been dating for a year I would want to make this work, but we just met." He kept pushing to keep things as is, I kept saying to take a hike. But he wasn't giving up. This was the moment where he decided he was going to try and bust a move. I, however, was not having it and I said "You can for sure bet that I am so not sleeping with you now!"
After an hour of back and forth of "I want to see you still" "We're done" he finally left, but we had made plans to go drive around and look at Christmas lights after I was done at my parents house. My friends all said "Hey give it a chance, you never know it might work out." So I thought to myself "Self- let's just keep an open mind and open heart, you care about him so give it a go." Well that night I was stood up. After I was done with my Christmas Eve dinner I went home and was waiting for Bachelor 8. I kept texting, I tried calling, but nothing. A few hours later he finally told me he had been called into work. Boy was I PISSED! Here I was sitting around like an asshole on Christmas Eve waiting for a guy who was never going to show and didn't have the decency to take 2 seconds to send me a text letting me know. He officially ruined my Christmas.
However, in the spirit of Christmas my dumb ass was trying to find it within myself to forgive him. So I sent him a text saying that I was sorry I had overracted the night he told me he got into Stanford, that I cared about him and was willing to give it a try. You know what I got in response to this text the next day? Meow. Yup, he texted me Meow. Like a fucking cat. I said "What does that mean?" He said "It's cat for hello." What the fuck??? Here I express myself to him and all he can say to me is Meow?? That doesn't even make sense!
A few days later I was hanging out with my friend and her adorable baby and he sent me a text saying he didn't have to work that night and asked if I wanted to go eat. I said ok but I'm at my friends can we go at 8:30? He was like "Well I'm hungry now, lets just grab a drink after." And I was like "Really? You can't wait 30 minutes?" After that I was so fed up, in my mind I knew I was done with him, so I gave him a piece of my mind. I said "I open up to you, I tell you how I feel and the only response I can get from you is Meow, like a fucking cat. I try to talk to you and you can never be serious, you just Meow at me." His response? You guessed it! "Meow" I was stunned! Clearly there was something wrong with him! So I said "I don't appreciate you giving me the runaround. Stop wasting my time and don't contact me again." This dumb mother fucker said "I'm not giving you the runaround and I'm pretty certain I've done absolutely nothing wrong." I didn't even respond to him. Clearly he is dumb and delusional.
I should've known he might have had a thing for cats, after all, he did own a pair of pink Hello Kitty pajama pants. Yup.... MEOW!
Our first date consisted of hiking. Normally I would never agree to a first date in which I could possible perspire profusely in front of a guy, but this time I thought to myself "Self- give it a go! Don't be afraid to do something different." I also thought to myself "Self- be careful that he doesn't try and kill you and throw your body into a ditch."
It was a fun hike, despite the fact that it was hotter than hell, I was huffing and puffing up the hill and I was sweaty. Bachelor #8 had some fun stories to share and I was entertained. After the hike we said goodbye, he said next time we could do something I picked, and that was that. I honestly didn't anticipate seeing or hearing from him again.
A week later to my surprise he asked me out to a movie. We saw Argo, which is a GREAT movie and everyone should go see it. Movie dates are always weird though because you're just sitting there in the dark for a few hours, and it's really hard to get to know one another when you aren't allowed to talk. After the movie he walked me to my car, stopped, and asked if I wanted to grab a drink. A little late to be asking if I wanted to get a drink, but I said yes anyway. So we went to Barneys Beanery and we chatted for a while (mostly about fitness- which was kind of boring but I was trying to seem interested).
That week Bachelor #8 called me multiple times (once again, rare behavior in modern men but always very appreciated). Soon after the movies he asked me out again to dinner. We went out again, and again, and again. Sometimes we would get a drink, many times he would come over and we would watch some Netflix. In total we had 12 dates- a new personal best since I've begun dating. And throughout these 12 dates I maintained complete control and acted like a proper lady. In fact, after one date when he started to get what I call "wandering hands" I told him that I was a proper lady and smacked his hand away. Part of me thought he had taken this very literally because after that he didn't try anything (which was fine). But by the 12th date I was beginning to wonder "What the hell is up with this guy?" Everyone convinced me that he was probably respecting what I said about being a proper lady, and that he was most likely waiting for me to give him a green light. So it was settled... I must make a move!
One night Bachelor 8 came over, and per usual, we began watching some Netflix. I was trying to set a romantic mood by turning on the Christmas lights and busting out some wine. Well I was the only one drinking the wine, and he was full on ignoring me and watching The Wonder Years. I had enough! I turned off the TV and threw the remote across the room and said to him "We can stop trying to out-virtue each other now!" He just stared at me. I promptly began ranting, as I have been known to do, and kept asking "What do you want from me? I just don't understand what you want! What would you do if I didn't have a Netflix subscription. Most men just want sex, but YOU! YOU don't want anything!"
The rest of my ranting is a bit of a blur, but I recall him picking me up and throwing me on my couch and pulling apart my legs and asking "Is this how you want me to act?" Well in my mind the answer was yes, because up until now he had been so damn boring! But I just stared at him. Well to sum up this night I can just say that I made a huge ass of myself because everyone encouraged me to bust a move. I had never been rejected before and boy did it sting!
After that I never imagined I would hear from him again since I had basically thrown myself at him. But sure enough that night he sent me a text asking how my day was, like nothing had happened the night before. This confused me even more! After this he disappeared for a week, later telling me he was up in the SF. The night before Christmas Eve he stopped by after work because he had something to tell me in person. He came over, I made some coffee, we sat down and he began giving me a foot rub. He then proceeded to tell me he had been accepted to Stanford and was moving in a month and that nothing physical had happened between us because he wanted to figure out his situation and he wanted to give me all of the information so I could decide for myself what I wanted. Now in theory this sounds very considerate, but come on! You're telling me all this the night before Christmas? Thanks for ruining my most favorite holiday asshole! So I told him "Well, I guess we're done. You should just go now." He was like "Really? You're kicking me out?" I said "Yes, you're leaving so that's it." He was like "But I'm not leaving for a month, I don't see how this changes things between us. We can still see each other." I said "I am 30 years old, I am not doing a long distance relationship. Maybe if we had been dating for a year I would want to make this work, but we just met." He kept pushing to keep things as is, I kept saying to take a hike. But he wasn't giving up. This was the moment where he decided he was going to try and bust a move. I, however, was not having it and I said "You can for sure bet that I am so not sleeping with you now!"
After an hour of back and forth of "I want to see you still" "We're done" he finally left, but we had made plans to go drive around and look at Christmas lights after I was done at my parents house. My friends all said "Hey give it a chance, you never know it might work out." So I thought to myself "Self- let's just keep an open mind and open heart, you care about him so give it a go." Well that night I was stood up. After I was done with my Christmas Eve dinner I went home and was waiting for Bachelor 8. I kept texting, I tried calling, but nothing. A few hours later he finally told me he had been called into work. Boy was I PISSED! Here I was sitting around like an asshole on Christmas Eve waiting for a guy who was never going to show and didn't have the decency to take 2 seconds to send me a text letting me know. He officially ruined my Christmas.
However, in the spirit of Christmas my dumb ass was trying to find it within myself to forgive him. So I sent him a text saying that I was sorry I had overracted the night he told me he got into Stanford, that I cared about him and was willing to give it a try. You know what I got in response to this text the next day? Meow. Yup, he texted me Meow. Like a fucking cat. I said "What does that mean?" He said "It's cat for hello." What the fuck??? Here I express myself to him and all he can say to me is Meow?? That doesn't even make sense!
A few days later I was hanging out with my friend and her adorable baby and he sent me a text saying he didn't have to work that night and asked if I wanted to go eat. I said ok but I'm at my friends can we go at 8:30? He was like "Well I'm hungry now, lets just grab a drink after." And I was like "Really? You can't wait 30 minutes?" After that I was so fed up, in my mind I knew I was done with him, so I gave him a piece of my mind. I said "I open up to you, I tell you how I feel and the only response I can get from you is Meow, like a fucking cat. I try to talk to you and you can never be serious, you just Meow at me." His response? You guessed it! "Meow" I was stunned! Clearly there was something wrong with him! So I said "I don't appreciate you giving me the runaround. Stop wasting my time and don't contact me again." This dumb mother fucker said "I'm not giving you the runaround and I'm pretty certain I've done absolutely nothing wrong." I didn't even respond to him. Clearly he is dumb and delusional.
I should've known he might have had a thing for cats, after all, he did own a pair of pink Hello Kitty pajama pants. Yup.... MEOW!
Friday, February 8, 2013
A Little Side Note...
By now many of you might be thinking "Damn girl you get around," or "If you're going out with all of these duds then why continue?" Here's the thing, believe it or not I am actually trying to seek out a potential husband because I don't want to end up as a spinster cat lady. It's impossible to meet men when I'm out and about in my daily life, so I figure if I date as many guys as possible, as quickly as possible, I am upping my chances of meeting someone decent. I figure, for every 20 guys I got out with, maybe one will stick? I guess we'll see.
My sister says "Why don't you try eHarmony?" Girlfriend I did! And I didn't get any bang for my buck (pardon the pun). eHarmony has such a tiresome interview process that by the time I got to the stage where I could actually email back and forth, I just stopped caring.
My mother says "What do you expect from these guys on Match? They're only looking for a hookup." I absolutely refuse to believe that EVERY single guy on Match just wants a wham bam thank you ma'am. There HAS to be somebody looking for something more serious... right? Or am I delusional? My mom also tells me time and time again that I should sign up for Table for Six. If you aren't familiar with this dating service basically 3 guys and 3 ladies go out to dinner on a group date. And if you like a guy and they also liked you you're set up on an individual date. In theory this sounds fine, except this service is over $1000!!! That is half of my trip to Spain! I'm sorry, but I would rather go on an amazing trip than spend that kind of dough on a dating service where I might not even meet anyone I like. Sorry, but I haven't quite reached the point of desperation yet.
In conclusion, if any of you have any awesome single guy friends (or brothers, cousins, nephews, sons...) feel free to send them my way! I only have a short questionaire for the applicant to fill out ;-)
My sister says "Why don't you try eHarmony?" Girlfriend I did! And I didn't get any bang for my buck (pardon the pun). eHarmony has such a tiresome interview process that by the time I got to the stage where I could actually email back and forth, I just stopped caring.
My mother says "What do you expect from these guys on Match? They're only looking for a hookup." I absolutely refuse to believe that EVERY single guy on Match just wants a wham bam thank you ma'am. There HAS to be somebody looking for something more serious... right? Or am I delusional? My mom also tells me time and time again that I should sign up for Table for Six. If you aren't familiar with this dating service basically 3 guys and 3 ladies go out to dinner on a group date. And if you like a guy and they also liked you you're set up on an individual date. In theory this sounds fine, except this service is over $1000!!! That is half of my trip to Spain! I'm sorry, but I would rather go on an amazing trip than spend that kind of dough on a dating service where I might not even meet anyone I like. Sorry, but I haven't quite reached the point of desperation yet.
In conclusion, if any of you have any awesome single guy friends (or brothers, cousins, nephews, sons...) feel free to send them my way! I only have a short questionaire for the applicant to fill out ;-)
Thursday, February 7, 2013
Bachelor #7- The One Hit Wonder
Bachelor #7 was a hottie patottie and it's a damn shame it didn't work out. I almost didn't go out with this one because I was getting carried away with Army Guy. We emailed back and forth for a while, and he even called a few times (another rare gem). We had some great conversations and I personally felt the chemistry. He was 2 years younger, worked for a medical sales company, lived nearby, played hockey and was a quadruplet.
One Friday night we met up for sushi (a much better place than I had gone to with Army Guy). He was already sitting when I walked in and I was awestruck by how handsome he was in person. He had a strong jaw and a smile that could make women swoon. You could tell he was in amazing shape by his perfect physique. It's a damn shame it didn't work out.
Dinner was great. We ate, drank, had an easy flowing and fun conversation. It was almost too good to be true. After dinner while we were both waiting for our identical Honda Civics I casually mentioned how the air in one of my tires was low, but I didn't know which one. Being the seeming gentleman I thought he was he offered to go to the gas station with me and fill my tires with air. I couldn't believe how sweet he was!
After the tire filling he asked if I wanted to get a drink. Of course I said yes and we went to one of my favorite bars near my house. We were having such a great time we closed the bar down and walked back to my place. I innocently invited him up to have some water since he was drinking before he headed home. I know that one of the rules from the ladies code of conduct is to never invite a guy up on a first date. But I assure you MY intentions were pure. Well one thing led to another and before I knew it we were making out like teenagers! I promise it was all innocent- I actually made it VERY clear upfront that nothing was going to happen.
Well, I guess my clarity and my purity was a dealbreaker because after that night I never saw or heard from The One Hit Wonder again. It's a damn shame it didn't work out.
One Friday night we met up for sushi (a much better place than I had gone to with Army Guy). He was already sitting when I walked in and I was awestruck by how handsome he was in person. He had a strong jaw and a smile that could make women swoon. You could tell he was in amazing shape by his perfect physique. It's a damn shame it didn't work out.
Dinner was great. We ate, drank, had an easy flowing and fun conversation. It was almost too good to be true. After dinner while we were both waiting for our identical Honda Civics I casually mentioned how the air in one of my tires was low, but I didn't know which one. Being the seeming gentleman I thought he was he offered to go to the gas station with me and fill my tires with air. I couldn't believe how sweet he was!
After the tire filling he asked if I wanted to get a drink. Of course I said yes and we went to one of my favorite bars near my house. We were having such a great time we closed the bar down and walked back to my place. I innocently invited him up to have some water since he was drinking before he headed home. I know that one of the rules from the ladies code of conduct is to never invite a guy up on a first date. But I assure you MY intentions were pure. Well one thing led to another and before I knew it we were making out like teenagers! I promise it was all innocent- I actually made it VERY clear upfront that nothing was going to happen.
Well, I guess my clarity and my purity was a dealbreaker because after that night I never saw or heard from The One Hit Wonder again. It's a damn shame it didn't work out.
Bachelor #6- Army Guy
My stories become increasingly interesting from Bachelors #6-12. With Bachelor #6 I did EVERYTHING a woman can do wrong when it comes to men. Let me explain...
There is a book I read many years ago that I hold near and dear to my heart called "Why Men Love Bitches," by Sherry Argov. If you are a single woman you are doing yourself a diservice by not reading this book. Not only is it hilarious, but all of the tips and information in there are true and useful. She basically outlines every single thing women tend to do with men that they should NOT do, including but not limited to 1) Don't always be available when he asks you out, 2) Don't sleep with him right away, 3) Don't be accomodating all of the time, 4) Don't cook for him.... the list goes on and on. With Bachelor #6 I subconsciously broke every single major rule that this woman laid out. BIG MISTAKE (which I learned from).
I met Bachelor #6 on Match. He was a good looking guy, actively serving in the Army (score beans!), my age, from the Midwest, lived nearby and was a "wannabe actor." He was also finishing up school (but for the life of me I can't remember what he was even majoring in). On our first date he invited me out to a UCLA tailgate party at the Rose Bowl. I had never been to a tailgate party before so I thought it would be loads of fun, I was also trying really hard to be open minded when it came to these unusual dates. We ended up going to the party with a group of his friends who were all very funny, very nice, very personable people. The tailgate party ended up being a ton of fun. People were playing beer pong, there was bbq, people were sticking their heads in a bucket of ice water to see who could stay in there the longest... it was very entertaining. Despite the fun I was having there were a few major red flags that popped up during my conversation with the Army Guy. Why I ignored these very obvious red flags? I don't know. Stupidity is my best answer.
Red Flag #1- This wasn't really a date, it was more of a group hangout.
Red Flag #2- Army Guy mentioned that he was being deployed to Iraq within the next few years.
Red Flag #3- He wanted to be an actor. And by actor I mean he was trying to be in commercials.
Red Flag #4 Army Guy said he was thinking about getting a vasectomy so he wouldn't accidentally have any kids. YUP, if that isn't a red flag I don't know what is. The best part is that I pretty much chose to ignore that tid bit of information and go on like all was well in this world. I didn't even tell any of my friends about that comment- so SURPRISE! Now you know.
Despite all of this I chose to stick my head in the sand and carry on. Right after the tailgate party we ended up going out to a local bar and continued the date (even though one of his friends was still tagging along- Red Flag #5). I am too ashamed to admit to what happened after this, so I'm not going to. All I am going to say is, you know how when you've been on a diet and there is this 1,000 calorie slab of double chocolate cake staring at you say "Eat me, I am so delicious" and you know that you shouldn't eat it because it's totally wrong? Same rule applied to Bachelor #6.
But I went on a second date with Bachelor #6 the weekend after. It was a Friday night and he was going to pick me up at 7:30. I automatically assumed we were going out to dinner, considering it was around the time most people eat. I had also told Bachelor #6 to plan on what we were going to do because I liked to be surprised. Well I was surprised when he said he hadn't had time to plan anything- Red Flag #6 (inconsiderate and lazy). I said lets go eat. He said "I already ate." I said "Seriously? You ate?" He said he could eat again and suggested we go have sushi (Red Flag #7- he already ate). So we went to have sushi, and it wasn't the best sushi place I've been to, but it also wasn't the worst. After sushi he took me to this park near his house. Yes a park, as in swings, slides and other shit for kids to jump and play on. I was trying to stay open minded when he said he and his friends liked coming to this particular park to mess around (Red Flag #8- grown men shouldn't be at children's parks). I'll admit, I haven't been at a park in well over 20 years so it was sort of fun running around and climbing up and sliding down things. After the park we went back to my place and watched a scary movie. All in all, despite the red flags I had a good time.
For date #3 Army Guy was supposed to come over for dinner. This is one of the rules that I broke from "Why Men Love Bitches." Do not cook for a man- he has to earn it. This guy definitely had not earned it. I spent so much time making this beautiful lasagna. He came over for dinner and I had just put the lasagna in the oven when he said he was "turning into a pumpkin soon" because he "forgot" he had made plans to go to a friend's birthday party in Hollywood and he was driving over with his friends (Red Flag #9). I said "well you could have let me know and we could have rescheduled." He said "Could we do lunch tomorrow?" I broke another rule by saying that was fine and accomodating his fucked up schedule. However, in my defense, I was trying to be more laid back about everything and not get so uptight, which I admit I got that way now and then with my ex.
The next day he texted saying "Can lunch be moved to dinner?" Red Flag #10. Again, I was super nice and said sure. So the plan was that he was coming over for dinner at 8pm. Right at 8 everything was ready- food was heated and table was set. At that moment this mother fucker sent me a text saying, and I quote "Not gonna make it." Red Flag #11, 12, 13, 14 and 15. I said "Are you serious? Not at all?" He said "Sorry." His execuse was that he was at a movie and it was longer than he had anticipated. I knew this was bull shit because I saw on his Facebook profile that he had just accepted an invite to another birthday party that night- that is why he was bailing on me. So I called him out on it and said "If you had another party to go to you could've just told me instead of wasting my time again. Don't ever contact me again"
And that was the end of Bachelor #6. As for the amazing lasagna I prepared? I shared that with my sister and her fiance; my parents also benefitted from his douchebaggery. At least they appreciated my cooking.
There is a book I read many years ago that I hold near and dear to my heart called "Why Men Love Bitches," by Sherry Argov. If you are a single woman you are doing yourself a diservice by not reading this book. Not only is it hilarious, but all of the tips and information in there are true and useful. She basically outlines every single thing women tend to do with men that they should NOT do, including but not limited to 1) Don't always be available when he asks you out, 2) Don't sleep with him right away, 3) Don't be accomodating all of the time, 4) Don't cook for him.... the list goes on and on. With Bachelor #6 I subconsciously broke every single major rule that this woman laid out. BIG MISTAKE (which I learned from).
I met Bachelor #6 on Match. He was a good looking guy, actively serving in the Army (score beans!), my age, from the Midwest, lived nearby and was a "wannabe actor." He was also finishing up school (but for the life of me I can't remember what he was even majoring in). On our first date he invited me out to a UCLA tailgate party at the Rose Bowl. I had never been to a tailgate party before so I thought it would be loads of fun, I was also trying really hard to be open minded when it came to these unusual dates. We ended up going to the party with a group of his friends who were all very funny, very nice, very personable people. The tailgate party ended up being a ton of fun. People were playing beer pong, there was bbq, people were sticking their heads in a bucket of ice water to see who could stay in there the longest... it was very entertaining. Despite the fun I was having there were a few major red flags that popped up during my conversation with the Army Guy. Why I ignored these very obvious red flags? I don't know. Stupidity is my best answer.
Red Flag #1- This wasn't really a date, it was more of a group hangout.
Red Flag #2- Army Guy mentioned that he was being deployed to Iraq within the next few years.
Red Flag #3- He wanted to be an actor. And by actor I mean he was trying to be in commercials.
Red Flag #4 Army Guy said he was thinking about getting a vasectomy so he wouldn't accidentally have any kids. YUP, if that isn't a red flag I don't know what is. The best part is that I pretty much chose to ignore that tid bit of information and go on like all was well in this world. I didn't even tell any of my friends about that comment- so SURPRISE! Now you know.
Despite all of this I chose to stick my head in the sand and carry on. Right after the tailgate party we ended up going out to a local bar and continued the date (even though one of his friends was still tagging along- Red Flag #5). I am too ashamed to admit to what happened after this, so I'm not going to. All I am going to say is, you know how when you've been on a diet and there is this 1,000 calorie slab of double chocolate cake staring at you say "Eat me, I am so delicious" and you know that you shouldn't eat it because it's totally wrong? Same rule applied to Bachelor #6.
But I went on a second date with Bachelor #6 the weekend after. It was a Friday night and he was going to pick me up at 7:30. I automatically assumed we were going out to dinner, considering it was around the time most people eat. I had also told Bachelor #6 to plan on what we were going to do because I liked to be surprised. Well I was surprised when he said he hadn't had time to plan anything- Red Flag #6 (inconsiderate and lazy). I said lets go eat. He said "I already ate." I said "Seriously? You ate?" He said he could eat again and suggested we go have sushi (Red Flag #7- he already ate). So we went to have sushi, and it wasn't the best sushi place I've been to, but it also wasn't the worst. After sushi he took me to this park near his house. Yes a park, as in swings, slides and other shit for kids to jump and play on. I was trying to stay open minded when he said he and his friends liked coming to this particular park to mess around (Red Flag #8- grown men shouldn't be at children's parks). I'll admit, I haven't been at a park in well over 20 years so it was sort of fun running around and climbing up and sliding down things. After the park we went back to my place and watched a scary movie. All in all, despite the red flags I had a good time.
For date #3 Army Guy was supposed to come over for dinner. This is one of the rules that I broke from "Why Men Love Bitches." Do not cook for a man- he has to earn it. This guy definitely had not earned it. I spent so much time making this beautiful lasagna. He came over for dinner and I had just put the lasagna in the oven when he said he was "turning into a pumpkin soon" because he "forgot" he had made plans to go to a friend's birthday party in Hollywood and he was driving over with his friends (Red Flag #9). I said "well you could have let me know and we could have rescheduled." He said "Could we do lunch tomorrow?" I broke another rule by saying that was fine and accomodating his fucked up schedule. However, in my defense, I was trying to be more laid back about everything and not get so uptight, which I admit I got that way now and then with my ex.
The next day he texted saying "Can lunch be moved to dinner?" Red Flag #10. Again, I was super nice and said sure. So the plan was that he was coming over for dinner at 8pm. Right at 8 everything was ready- food was heated and table was set. At that moment this mother fucker sent me a text saying, and I quote "Not gonna make it." Red Flag #11, 12, 13, 14 and 15. I said "Are you serious? Not at all?" He said "Sorry." His execuse was that he was at a movie and it was longer than he had anticipated. I knew this was bull shit because I saw on his Facebook profile that he had just accepted an invite to another birthday party that night- that is why he was bailing on me. So I called him out on it and said "If you had another party to go to you could've just told me instead of wasting my time again. Don't ever contact me again"
And that was the end of Bachelor #6. As for the amazing lasagna I prepared? I shared that with my sister and her fiance; my parents also benefitted from his douchebaggery. At least they appreciated my cooking.
Wednesday, February 6, 2013
The Untold Non-Bachelor Stories
Ok so many of you are requesting to hear about the non-bachelors that I have.... ummmm.... come across during my journey. Let me preface by saying 1) After you are with someone for so long and they break your heart you don't really utilize your common sense to the fullest degree, 2) After a breakup you just want to have some damn fun- God knows my ex had turned into an old fart toward the end (perhaps a little Viagra might have helped him- oh yeah I just went there), 3) I am not, nor have I ever been a wild woman. I have been a pretty conservative girl to be quite honest (hard to believe, I know). So don't judge me (especially you mom!).
I've had a friend for over 7 years who is in the military. We had kept in touch off and on over the years. He's based out on the East coast and he actually came out to pay me a visit right after my breakup (he was visiting his family out here so he stopped by to see me since he was on this side of the country). It was Cinco de Mayo to be exact and we had a great time. A few weeks later we were chatting and I mentioned that I had a 4 day weekend coming up for Memorial Day. He too had a 4 day weekend and said "You should fly out to visit." Well, I had an airline credit since I was no longer going to Hawaii (thanks to my douchebag ex-boyfriend), and I was feeling particularly spontaneous. So that night I booked a flight to Baltimore and left the next night. Never in my life have I just spontaneously booked a flight anywhere to see anyone. But I couldn't have been happier that I did it. We had so much fun sightseeing and visiting DC, especially since it was Memorial Day it was even more meaningful. I know it might be hard for some people to understand why I just took off and didn't really tell anyone. But once you've been through something so hard and heart breaking, sometimes you just want to disappear and have an adventure and not tell anyone, because there will always be those who judge you or say "You're crazy," "You're reckless," "You're stupid." I did not want anyone to poo poo my trip or my experience. It was one of the most memorable trips of my life and I think being with him helped me get over my ex-boyfriend faster than I would have if I hadn't seen him. He made me feel good and it gave me hope.
The next non-bachelor story is one that I am not too proud of, but it makes for a fun story so I am compelled to share. The weekend after the 4th of July (right before I began dating any bachelor) my best friend and I took a weekend trip to San Diego. It was the weekend after I had just gone to Vegas, so I was feeling particularly party animalish. Well those who know me are aware that I am obsessed with guys in the military. I have been obsessed since I saw Pearl Harbor (I wanted to be a military nurse after I saw that movie because it was so romantic). I went to San Diego on a mission to find some cute Marines to talk to. The first night we ended up going to a bar where we met some random English guys. One of them was nice, one was boring and the other looked like he had a stick up his ass and thought the UK was better than the US (as if!). We didn't hang out with them for very long. We began walking around the Gaslamp district and wandered into this hole in the wall Mexican bar that had karaoke (score beans!). As soon as we walked in there was a group of good looking Marines right at the bar. My friend, being the amazing wingwoman that she is, walked over and just introduced us to them. We immediately began chatting it up. The guys were buying us drinks, we sang karaoke, all around it was a fun time. There was one guy in particular that I was talking to, I call him Kyle #1. He seemed more reserved but was cute and we exchanged numbers.
The very next night my friend and I were walking past the Mexican bar we had been to the night before. All of a sudden I hear a group of guys yell my name. I didn't realize who they were so I looked over, smiled and waved. My friend asked "Do you remember who they are?" I said no. She said "They were the guys we were talking to last night." Whoops! So we went back to the bar and said hello. They were outside smoking so we went inside to get a drink. One of the guys from the night before came up to me and said Kyle wanted to talk to me. Well I assumed it was Kyle #1 from last night. So I went outside and began chatting with him, and he seemed a bit standoffish. I thought it was odd so I went back inside the bar and found a table. Suddenly a young, good looking guy sat down next to me and began talking to me. He said his name was Kyle. HE was the one who wanted to talk to me apparently. From then on I named him Kyle #2 (or sometimes I referred to him as Kyle Also). He was a fun guy, from the Midwest (as most of them were) and was very flirtatious. He bought me a few drinks, we sang karaoke with his friends- it was a fun night. I quickly discovered that he was only 21. Yes, barely legal to drink! When he asked how old I was I lied and said 26, because what 21 year old wants to be hanging out with a 30 year old? (granted I still look like I am 24 to 26, but still). I don't really want to go into more details of this story, but before I turned 30 my friend and I made a list of things we wanted to do in our 30s. On my list I wrote "Have a cougar experience." Well if a 30 year old conquering a 21 year old isn't cougarish then I guess I have failed. Kyle #2 texted and called me several times over the course of several months after that weekend. What can I say, I'm a charmer. One weekend he unexpectedly took the train up from San Diego to where I live to come pay me a visit (he was with a friend and he had never been up to LA before). He's like a little puppy that just wants your attention. I haven't heard from him since. His unit was being sent to Afghanistan, so I just hope he and his buddies are all well. What can I say, I'm patriotic.
I've had a friend for over 7 years who is in the military. We had kept in touch off and on over the years. He's based out on the East coast and he actually came out to pay me a visit right after my breakup (he was visiting his family out here so he stopped by to see me since he was on this side of the country). It was Cinco de Mayo to be exact and we had a great time. A few weeks later we were chatting and I mentioned that I had a 4 day weekend coming up for Memorial Day. He too had a 4 day weekend and said "You should fly out to visit." Well, I had an airline credit since I was no longer going to Hawaii (thanks to my douchebag ex-boyfriend), and I was feeling particularly spontaneous. So that night I booked a flight to Baltimore and left the next night. Never in my life have I just spontaneously booked a flight anywhere to see anyone. But I couldn't have been happier that I did it. We had so much fun sightseeing and visiting DC, especially since it was Memorial Day it was even more meaningful. I know it might be hard for some people to understand why I just took off and didn't really tell anyone. But once you've been through something so hard and heart breaking, sometimes you just want to disappear and have an adventure and not tell anyone, because there will always be those who judge you or say "You're crazy," "You're reckless," "You're stupid." I did not want anyone to poo poo my trip or my experience. It was one of the most memorable trips of my life and I think being with him helped me get over my ex-boyfriend faster than I would have if I hadn't seen him. He made me feel good and it gave me hope.
The next non-bachelor story is one that I am not too proud of, but it makes for a fun story so I am compelled to share. The weekend after the 4th of July (right before I began dating any bachelor) my best friend and I took a weekend trip to San Diego. It was the weekend after I had just gone to Vegas, so I was feeling particularly party animalish. Well those who know me are aware that I am obsessed with guys in the military. I have been obsessed since I saw Pearl Harbor (I wanted to be a military nurse after I saw that movie because it was so romantic). I went to San Diego on a mission to find some cute Marines to talk to. The first night we ended up going to a bar where we met some random English guys. One of them was nice, one was boring and the other looked like he had a stick up his ass and thought the UK was better than the US (as if!). We didn't hang out with them for very long. We began walking around the Gaslamp district and wandered into this hole in the wall Mexican bar that had karaoke (score beans!). As soon as we walked in there was a group of good looking Marines right at the bar. My friend, being the amazing wingwoman that she is, walked over and just introduced us to them. We immediately began chatting it up. The guys were buying us drinks, we sang karaoke, all around it was a fun time. There was one guy in particular that I was talking to, I call him Kyle #1. He seemed more reserved but was cute and we exchanged numbers.
The very next night my friend and I were walking past the Mexican bar we had been to the night before. All of a sudden I hear a group of guys yell my name. I didn't realize who they were so I looked over, smiled and waved. My friend asked "Do you remember who they are?" I said no. She said "They were the guys we were talking to last night." Whoops! So we went back to the bar and said hello. They were outside smoking so we went inside to get a drink. One of the guys from the night before came up to me and said Kyle wanted to talk to me. Well I assumed it was Kyle #1 from last night. So I went outside and began chatting with him, and he seemed a bit standoffish. I thought it was odd so I went back inside the bar and found a table. Suddenly a young, good looking guy sat down next to me and began talking to me. He said his name was Kyle. HE was the one who wanted to talk to me apparently. From then on I named him Kyle #2 (or sometimes I referred to him as Kyle Also). He was a fun guy, from the Midwest (as most of them were) and was very flirtatious. He bought me a few drinks, we sang karaoke with his friends- it was a fun night. I quickly discovered that he was only 21. Yes, barely legal to drink! When he asked how old I was I lied and said 26, because what 21 year old wants to be hanging out with a 30 year old? (granted I still look like I am 24 to 26, but still). I don't really want to go into more details of this story, but before I turned 30 my friend and I made a list of things we wanted to do in our 30s. On my list I wrote "Have a cougar experience." Well if a 30 year old conquering a 21 year old isn't cougarish then I guess I have failed. Kyle #2 texted and called me several times over the course of several months after that weekend. What can I say, I'm a charmer. One weekend he unexpectedly took the train up from San Diego to where I live to come pay me a visit (he was with a friend and he had never been up to LA before). He's like a little puppy that just wants your attention. I haven't heard from him since. His unit was being sent to Afghanistan, so I just hope he and his buddies are all well. What can I say, I'm patriotic.
Bachelor #5- Need a Lift
Bachelor #5 is not a very exciting story whatsoever. I had just gotten back from Europe and I took a few extra days off from work to adjust to the time change. I was actively ignoring Bachelor #4's incessant texts asking if I was back to the motherland, when I began suddenly corresponding with Bachelor #5 on Match. We were emailing and texting back and forth multiple times one day and he asked me if I wanted to grab some dinner. I figured "What the hell, I'm not doing anything tonight" so I agreed to meet him up at a Mexican place on 3rd St. Promenade in Santa Monica since he worked down there. Again, I was being way too accommodating which I know not to do moving forward.
So I got there a bit early and ended up wandering around Pier 1 (which I love doing) and then he had walked over from his office to this Mexican place and let me know he was there. So I got there, and once again, I was very underwhelmed by his appearance- particularly the face. It's really a scam with these men online. They are posting pictures that are not recent and they are much older looking (and not so attractive) in person. He was nice, but not too exciting. I really can't even remember much of what he talked about. He paid for dinner at least and as we were leaving he asked me if I could drop him off at his apartment which was nearby because his car was in the shop. I was like "ummmm ok" hence the name "Need a Lift." I know what you're thinking. IDIOT! Why would you let a stranger in your car? Honestly there was no part of him that was threatening, and he wasn't very tall. So really, what could he do? Again, a lesson I have learned so get off my back.
Well a few days later he actually texted asking me out again, but immediately after the date I deleted his number because I never anticipated hearing from him again (nor did I care to). So I didn't even know at the time who was asking me out again. That's the extent of this story (I warned you it wasn't that interesting).
So I got there a bit early and ended up wandering around Pier 1 (which I love doing) and then he had walked over from his office to this Mexican place and let me know he was there. So I got there, and once again, I was very underwhelmed by his appearance- particularly the face. It's really a scam with these men online. They are posting pictures that are not recent and they are much older looking (and not so attractive) in person. He was nice, but not too exciting. I really can't even remember much of what he talked about. He paid for dinner at least and as we were leaving he asked me if I could drop him off at his apartment which was nearby because his car was in the shop. I was like "ummmm ok" hence the name "Need a Lift." I know what you're thinking. IDIOT! Why would you let a stranger in your car? Honestly there was no part of him that was threatening, and he wasn't very tall. So really, what could he do? Again, a lesson I have learned so get off my back.
Well a few days later he actually texted asking me out again, but immediately after the date I deleted his number because I never anticipated hearing from him again (nor did I care to). So I didn't even know at the time who was asking me out again. That's the extent of this story (I warned you it wasn't that interesting).
Bachelor #4- Static Cling
Bachelor #4 is a more amusing story I suppose. I refer to him as Static Cling because he was super clingy- mind you we only went out 3 times right before I set off for my European adventure.
My first date with Static Cling was literally right after my coffee date with Bachelor #3. We met up at one of my favorite bars near my house (yay a guy who drove to my neck of the woods!)
He wasn't bad looking, tall, in shape, my age and a year out of the Army (what are the odds of having 2 dates with ex-Army guys in 1 night?). He was very nice and we had a lot to talk about. He shared a lot of interesting stories from the Army, and I had a lot of respect for his service especially since he had been wounded multiple times (allegedly). After the date we talked on the phone several times. In my mind I thought I had genuinely liked him, but I still had a nagging feeling in my gut.
For date #2 he took me to the beach and he had made us a picnic. I will admit that was very thoughtful and pretty awesome on his part. I gave him points for that. He made pear and brie paninis that were really damn good and he had a nice veggie tray and hummus. It was a nice evening. The topper was when we randomly started talking about our favorite drinks. I said I loved wine, especially Santa Margherita. Well like a damn magician this guy pulls out a bottle of Santa Margherita from the damn picnic basket! I was like "How the hell did you know that was my favorite wine?" He said "I just guessed." That was really cool. But despite all of that, there was still something bothering me that I couldn't really figure out.
All of my girlfriends and coworkers said to give him a chance, that he sounded so sweet, yada yada. This was all true, but there were some things about him, that I should've mentioned, that bothered me.
1. He was still living at home and not done with college. Ok I get that you are going to school and need to save money- but I am at a point in my life where I am looking for a man who is established and self sufficient. He wasn't.
2. He worked as a security guard at a theme park. Again- not the profession of someone who is in a place to settle down with a wife and family.
3. He said "fuck'n" a lot, that just annoyed me.
4. Being with him felt like I was dating a guy in high school because of the first 3 reasons above.
5. Not once did I really feel that physically attracted to him. In fact I did everything in my power to avoid being in a position in which a kiss could possibly happen.
Despite all of these things I decided to give him 1 more chance before I split for Europe. We went out for sushi on date #3 and we split the bill. I'm sorry, but when you are in the wooing stage, you still have to pay. Not only that but we didn't even order a bunch of things like most people do- he ordered like a tempura basket or something. It was just an awkward dinner. After that I was talking about going to Europe and he got all weird on me saying he was really sad I was leaving. I was like "I'm not moving away, I'm coming back chill out." At that moment I realized he was a clinger. I can't date clingers.
While I was partying it up in Paris during the 2nd week of my trip he even sent me a text saying he missed me. I never responded. How can you miss someone you JUST met and only went out with 3 times? When I got back to the US I avoided him like the Black Plague. I didn't respond to texts or emails. In my mind that is a clear sign to move on, but he was not having that. For weeks he continued to text me. I finally removed my profile from OKCupid (yes I met him on there) and he sent a text promptly after saying "I see you deleted your profile. I hate the lucky bastard that got you. I still want to see you. Can we be friends and get drinks?" I continued to ignore him and he texted me a few times after that.
All I can say is that my gut was right the entire time- something was up with Static Cling and I'm glad I got some Static Guard to remove him from my ass.
My first date with Static Cling was literally right after my coffee date with Bachelor #3. We met up at one of my favorite bars near my house (yay a guy who drove to my neck of the woods!)
He wasn't bad looking, tall, in shape, my age and a year out of the Army (what are the odds of having 2 dates with ex-Army guys in 1 night?). He was very nice and we had a lot to talk about. He shared a lot of interesting stories from the Army, and I had a lot of respect for his service especially since he had been wounded multiple times (allegedly). After the date we talked on the phone several times. In my mind I thought I had genuinely liked him, but I still had a nagging feeling in my gut.
For date #2 he took me to the beach and he had made us a picnic. I will admit that was very thoughtful and pretty awesome on his part. I gave him points for that. He made pear and brie paninis that were really damn good and he had a nice veggie tray and hummus. It was a nice evening. The topper was when we randomly started talking about our favorite drinks. I said I loved wine, especially Santa Margherita. Well like a damn magician this guy pulls out a bottle of Santa Margherita from the damn picnic basket! I was like "How the hell did you know that was my favorite wine?" He said "I just guessed." That was really cool. But despite all of that, there was still something bothering me that I couldn't really figure out.
All of my girlfriends and coworkers said to give him a chance, that he sounded so sweet, yada yada. This was all true, but there were some things about him, that I should've mentioned, that bothered me.
1. He was still living at home and not done with college. Ok I get that you are going to school and need to save money- but I am at a point in my life where I am looking for a man who is established and self sufficient. He wasn't.
2. He worked as a security guard at a theme park. Again- not the profession of someone who is in a place to settle down with a wife and family.
3. He said "fuck'n" a lot, that just annoyed me.
4. Being with him felt like I was dating a guy in high school because of the first 3 reasons above.
5. Not once did I really feel that physically attracted to him. In fact I did everything in my power to avoid being in a position in which a kiss could possibly happen.
Despite all of these things I decided to give him 1 more chance before I split for Europe. We went out for sushi on date #3 and we split the bill. I'm sorry, but when you are in the wooing stage, you still have to pay. Not only that but we didn't even order a bunch of things like most people do- he ordered like a tempura basket or something. It was just an awkward dinner. After that I was talking about going to Europe and he got all weird on me saying he was really sad I was leaving. I was like "I'm not moving away, I'm coming back chill out." At that moment I realized he was a clinger. I can't date clingers.
While I was partying it up in Paris during the 2nd week of my trip he even sent me a text saying he missed me. I never responded. How can you miss someone you JUST met and only went out with 3 times? When I got back to the US I avoided him like the Black Plague. I didn't respond to texts or emails. In my mind that is a clear sign to move on, but he was not having that. For weeks he continued to text me. I finally removed my profile from OKCupid (yes I met him on there) and he sent a text promptly after saying "I see you deleted your profile. I hate the lucky bastard that got you. I still want to see you. Can we be friends and get drinks?" I continued to ignore him and he texted me a few times after that.
All I can say is that my gut was right the entire time- something was up with Static Cling and I'm glad I got some Static Guard to remove him from my ass.
Bachelor # 3- The Coffee Date
There is nothing I hate more than a first coffee date. Why? Because usually it's the slowest, most boring hour of my life, and more often than not the date I am meeting is already half way through his beverage before I even sit down. RUDE!
I met up with Coffee Date at a Starbucks near LACMA (again I met him on OKCupid). I really should've made his ass treck down to my neck of the woods for some stupid coffee, and I have since learned to be less accommodating. If you want to go out with me your ass better be prepared to drive. But I digress...
Of course I showed up on time and he already has his coffee. At that moment I knew I was not going to go out with him again. If you can't be polite and wait for me to show up so you can pay for my coffee then fuck off. Don't get me wrong, he seemed like a nice person, not the most exciting man I've met but he was certainly no Old Face. He was ex-Army and was finishing up a masters degree. I think he said he wanted to teach, but I can't remember because I lost interest quickly.
We had a decent conversation and he said he wanted to see me again. I was polite and said "Yeah sure that would be great" even though my mind was already made up that I never wanted to speak to him again. He broke the coffee courtesy rule so I ignored all future texts from him.
That same night after coffee I went off to my next date with Bachelor # 4.
I met up with Coffee Date at a Starbucks near LACMA (again I met him on OKCupid). I really should've made his ass treck down to my neck of the woods for some stupid coffee, and I have since learned to be less accommodating. If you want to go out with me your ass better be prepared to drive. But I digress...
Of course I showed up on time and he already has his coffee. At that moment I knew I was not going to go out with him again. If you can't be polite and wait for me to show up so you can pay for my coffee then fuck off. Don't get me wrong, he seemed like a nice person, not the most exciting man I've met but he was certainly no Old Face. He was ex-Army and was finishing up a masters degree. I think he said he wanted to teach, but I can't remember because I lost interest quickly.
We had a decent conversation and he said he wanted to see me again. I was polite and said "Yeah sure that would be great" even though my mind was already made up that I never wanted to speak to him again. He broke the coffee courtesy rule so I ignored all future texts from him.
That same night after coffee I went off to my next date with Bachelor # 4.
Bachelor # 2.5- The Hot Guy at the Bar
The hot guy at the bar never made it to full bachelorhood, so he doesn't get an actual number. This story is rather brief, but one that many women know all too well.
I was at my favorite local dive bar with one of my best friends the night after I went out with Old Face. We were sitting at the bar when a really hot guy and his less attractive group of friends walked in. I honestly never anticipated talking to him, but my friend is an incredible wingwoman. We started talking to Hot Guy and his friends about music since one of my favorite local bands was getting ready to perform. Hot Guy worked in music (allegedly) and seemed to be really interesting. Did I mention he was hot? He was also 36- which normally I would say is past my cutoff point for age, but I was willing to let it slide.
I left to use the ladies room and when I came back my friend whispered to me that he asked her if I was single, and she told him I was. Score beans! So he came back over and sat next to me and we started talking some more. We talked quite a bit to be honest.
Well this fool proceeded to go through this big theatrical performance of asking for my phone number and telling me that he wanted to take me out on a date and saying he thought I was really cute. Double score beans! So I gave him my number and he gave me his. This is where the red flag came up- before he and his friends left he said "Call me because I really want to take you out." To which I said "No- you call me. If you want to take me out you need to call me." He asked "Oh are you the old fashioned type?" and I said "Yes. And you better do it soon because I am going to Europe in 2 weeks and I might not come back." And he just smiled and laughed.
Well Hot Guy never called. He texted a few times asking "hey what's going on" and that usual bull shit that men pull, but he never called to ask me out like he said he wanted to. He was probably too much of a little bitch. Why would you waste your breath and my time asking for my number, telling me you want to take me out, and then not do so? That just made him look really lame and if I ever see him at my local dive bar again I will not be afraid to tell him so.
Maybe God was trying to throw me another bone with a little self esteem booster since Old Face had been such a flop the night before. Dear God- please don't throw me bones at my local dive bar.
I was at my favorite local dive bar with one of my best friends the night after I went out with Old Face. We were sitting at the bar when a really hot guy and his less attractive group of friends walked in. I honestly never anticipated talking to him, but my friend is an incredible wingwoman. We started talking to Hot Guy and his friends about music since one of my favorite local bands was getting ready to perform. Hot Guy worked in music (allegedly) and seemed to be really interesting. Did I mention he was hot? He was also 36- which normally I would say is past my cutoff point for age, but I was willing to let it slide.
I left to use the ladies room and when I came back my friend whispered to me that he asked her if I was single, and she told him I was. Score beans! So he came back over and sat next to me and we started talking some more. We talked quite a bit to be honest.
Well this fool proceeded to go through this big theatrical performance of asking for my phone number and telling me that he wanted to take me out on a date and saying he thought I was really cute. Double score beans! So I gave him my number and he gave me his. This is where the red flag came up- before he and his friends left he said "Call me because I really want to take you out." To which I said "No- you call me. If you want to take me out you need to call me." He asked "Oh are you the old fashioned type?" and I said "Yes. And you better do it soon because I am going to Europe in 2 weeks and I might not come back." And he just smiled and laughed.
Well Hot Guy never called. He texted a few times asking "hey what's going on" and that usual bull shit that men pull, but he never called to ask me out like he said he wanted to. He was probably too much of a little bitch. Why would you waste your breath and my time asking for my number, telling me you want to take me out, and then not do so? That just made him look really lame and if I ever see him at my local dive bar again I will not be afraid to tell him so.
Maybe God was trying to throw me another bone with a little self esteem booster since Old Face had been such a flop the night before. Dear God- please don't throw me bones at my local dive bar.
Tuesday, February 5, 2013
Bachelor #2- Old Face
Bachelor #2 I refer to as Old Face because, well, he had an old looking face. We met on OKCupid (again, before I realized how creepy the general population was) and he was a 33 year old going to law school (allegedly). I thought to myself "Self- you need to start dating men who are more mature and who have serious professions." WRONG.
So after a few back and forth phone calls, which impressed me because no man in this day and age bothers to pick up a phone and call, we met up for a few drinks out in Hollywood. I should've realized he was an old fart when he suggested Musso and Franks. I got there before Old Face and sat at the bar, amongst all of the old men. I was sipping on a glass of wine when Old Face approached me. I can only imagine the look on my face when I saw him- YIKES! This guy was probably 33 years old approximately 10 years ago. He reminded me of a deflated tire. I should've asked for his ID, but I thought to myself "Self- give him a chance and don't be so superficial, he might be a nice, interesting fellow." He was not interesting. In fact, he seemed like the soul, spirit and life had been sucked from his body. I was trying my best to be my fun, lively and humorous self- but it was rather difficult.
Time ticked slowly by. I wanted desperately to run out of that place and be amongst some happy, fun people (that were my age). I can't even remember what he contributed to the conversation. I think we had discussed his visit with his grandfather, but I am not entirely sure. I immediately thought to myself "Self- you need to make sure he never wants to see you again." So I began recounting all of my drinking stories that I have accumulated with my friends over the last year. If I made myself sound like a lush or a party animal I was certain he would never bother to contact me again.
After the painful drinks were over we walked outside on to Hollywood Blvd and I will never forget what he said. There were a bunch of younger folks walking around, all hooched out in their "going out to a club" outfits and he said "God I hate Hollywood, I am not into the bar or club scene." As he was saying that all I could think was "My God- what I wouldn't give to be going to a club with these people right now instead of standing here with Grandpa Time."
After I drove back and went straight to Jack n the Box because I was starving (God forbid a guy fork over a few bucks for some appetizers). I then went home and called my sister crying because I was so disappointed at what a dud Old Face was. I said to her "Everyone is old and boring and I will never be able to find anyone who is fun like me." She gave me a pep talk and then I proceeded to scarf down a double cheeseburger and some curly fries- that was the highlight of the night.
So after a few back and forth phone calls, which impressed me because no man in this day and age bothers to pick up a phone and call, we met up for a few drinks out in Hollywood. I should've realized he was an old fart when he suggested Musso and Franks. I got there before Old Face and sat at the bar, amongst all of the old men. I was sipping on a glass of wine when Old Face approached me. I can only imagine the look on my face when I saw him- YIKES! This guy was probably 33 years old approximately 10 years ago. He reminded me of a deflated tire. I should've asked for his ID, but I thought to myself "Self- give him a chance and don't be so superficial, he might be a nice, interesting fellow." He was not interesting. In fact, he seemed like the soul, spirit and life had been sucked from his body. I was trying my best to be my fun, lively and humorous self- but it was rather difficult.
Time ticked slowly by. I wanted desperately to run out of that place and be amongst some happy, fun people (that were my age). I can't even remember what he contributed to the conversation. I think we had discussed his visit with his grandfather, but I am not entirely sure. I immediately thought to myself "Self- you need to make sure he never wants to see you again." So I began recounting all of my drinking stories that I have accumulated with my friends over the last year. If I made myself sound like a lush or a party animal I was certain he would never bother to contact me again.
After the painful drinks were over we walked outside on to Hollywood Blvd and I will never forget what he said. There were a bunch of younger folks walking around, all hooched out in their "going out to a club" outfits and he said "God I hate Hollywood, I am not into the bar or club scene." As he was saying that all I could think was "My God- what I wouldn't give to be going to a club with these people right now instead of standing here with Grandpa Time."
After I drove back and went straight to Jack n the Box because I was starving (God forbid a guy fork over a few bucks for some appetizers). I then went home and called my sister crying because I was so disappointed at what a dud Old Face was. I said to her "Everyone is old and boring and I will never be able to find anyone who is fun like me." She gave me a pep talk and then I proceeded to scarf down a double cheeseburger and some curly fries- that was the highlight of the night.
Bachelor #1- The Stunt Man
Bachelor #1 was my first post-breakup date. We met on OKCupid, which I would not recommend to anyone. Here is my beef with OKCupid:
1. The site itself sucks. If you have epilepsy and can't handle flashing display ads, then do not go on this site because it will give you a seizure.
2. Many of the men on this site are creepy. This is probably because the site is free to use, and this in itself attracts creepy, broke ass people. I'm not saying everyone on OKCupid is creepy and/or cheap, but it seems to be a magnet from my brief experience.
3. There are a lot of people on this site just looking to "hook up" if you get my drift. Yeah- nasty.
But I met Bachelor #1 before I became privvy to any of this. Bachelor #1 was a hot, 29 year old, stunt man (allegedly). We met up at a cool little bar on the West Side and had a great time. We had a few drinks, shared some stories, had a few laughs, he told me all about the fascinating world of stunt men; it was a good date. I believe God took mercy on me considering what I had just gone through, so he threw me a bone and was like "here, start with this hot guy."
As he was waiting with me for the valet to bring my car I knew in my gut that I would never see him again. How did I know this? Because 1) He's 29 and hot- no young hot guy is looking to settle down- let's be real 2) He was a stunt man- not exactly the profession of a man you would settle down with.
I never heard from Bachelor #1 again, but I didn't really care because I had already lined up a date with Bachelor #2.
1. The site itself sucks. If you have epilepsy and can't handle flashing display ads, then do not go on this site because it will give you a seizure.
2. Many of the men on this site are creepy. This is probably because the site is free to use, and this in itself attracts creepy, broke ass people. I'm not saying everyone on OKCupid is creepy and/or cheap, but it seems to be a magnet from my brief experience.
3. There are a lot of people on this site just looking to "hook up" if you get my drift. Yeah- nasty.
But I met Bachelor #1 before I became privvy to any of this. Bachelor #1 was a hot, 29 year old, stunt man (allegedly). We met up at a cool little bar on the West Side and had a great time. We had a few drinks, shared some stories, had a few laughs, he told me all about the fascinating world of stunt men; it was a good date. I believe God took mercy on me considering what I had just gone through, so he threw me a bone and was like "here, start with this hot guy."
As he was waiting with me for the valet to bring my car I knew in my gut that I would never see him again. How did I know this? Because 1) He's 29 and hot- no young hot guy is looking to settle down- let's be real 2) He was a stunt man- not exactly the profession of a man you would settle down with.
I never heard from Bachelor #1 again, but I didn't really care because I had already lined up a date with Bachelor #2.
Dear Diary...
After numerous requests from my friends and colleagues I've decided to chronicle my adventures in the oh so exciting world of online dating. The bachelors in my stories shall remain nameless and are referred to by numbers and nicknames. For those of you who don't know who I am or aren't familiar with my story, let me start from the beginning.
I am your basic, single, successful, incredibly awesome, 30 year old woman. Last May I discovered that my boyfriend of nearly 5 years was fucking an assistant in his office, who was 10 years younger than him (yeah, he's your basic disgusting douchebag). I learned about this 1 month before my 30th birthday and 1 month before we were supposed to go to Hawaii. Obviously we did not go to Hawaii. Rather, I told him to "go fuck yourself and your fucking whore" followed by a hearty door slam to the face (it was a pretty awesome moment for me). I allowed myself only 2 weeks to be upset, because that was all that he was worth. After that, I planned a bad ass 30th birthday party and booked a 2 week tour of Europe, which was the most amazing experience of my life.
I got back on the dating horse July of 2012, right before I left for Europe. Mind you I hadn't been in the dating pool in a very long time, so I was a bit rusty and out of the loop in terms of the "dating rules." So ummmm.... don't judge me by some of the following stories- there are times where I clearly lacked common sense, I am aware of this! I continue to learn from my mistakes and improve with each bachelor (for the most part).
I am your basic, single, successful, incredibly awesome, 30 year old woman. Last May I discovered that my boyfriend of nearly 5 years was fucking an assistant in his office, who was 10 years younger than him (yeah, he's your basic disgusting douchebag). I learned about this 1 month before my 30th birthday and 1 month before we were supposed to go to Hawaii. Obviously we did not go to Hawaii. Rather, I told him to "go fuck yourself and your fucking whore" followed by a hearty door slam to the face (it was a pretty awesome moment for me). I allowed myself only 2 weeks to be upset, because that was all that he was worth. After that, I planned a bad ass 30th birthday party and booked a 2 week tour of Europe, which was the most amazing experience of my life.
I got back on the dating horse July of 2012, right before I left for Europe. Mind you I hadn't been in the dating pool in a very long time, so I was a bit rusty and out of the loop in terms of the "dating rules." So ummmm.... don't judge me by some of the following stories- there are times where I clearly lacked common sense, I am aware of this! I continue to learn from my mistakes and improve with each bachelor (for the most part).
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