Required Reading for all Ladies

Whether you're single or in a relationship, I've recently read some really great books that provide practical (and funny) advise for all ladies. These are my top must reads:

1. Tempations of the Single Girl: The Ten Dating Traps You Must Avoid (by Nina Atwood)-

"Meet Kelly, a charming, pretty everywoman. She's successful, intelligent, financially secure-and notorious for making bad decisions when it comes to men. As Kelly travels the bumpy road back to self-care, she sidesteps one emotional rut only to land squarely in another. But every time she dusts herself off and gets back into the groove, she comes one step closer to being an emotionally healthy woman who is ready and able to welcome true love into her life.

Author Nina Atwood takes us on an inspiring journey of self-discovery and relationship recovery in this thoroughly modern fable. Through Kelly's story, you too can pinpoint which temptations you must learn to resist so that you can claim the happiness-and the man-that you deserve."

I am about halfway done with this book, and let me tell you- I think she wrote this book based on ME. Holy shit! Not only is this book entertaining to read, but I completely identify with the main character and it's helped me to realize all of the dumb mistakes I've been making time and time again and the tempations I've been succumbing to. If you don't get any benefit at all from reading this book then you are on crack and/or there's just no helping you.

2. Maybe He's Just An Asshole: Sharpen Your Bullshit Detector, Rock Your Expectations and Become Your Strongest Self! (by Halle Kaye and Sophie Stone)-

This is a really quick read, and it is hilarious! They basically profile various types of assholes (most of whom we have all encountered in our lives) and score them on the Asshole Meter. Here are a few examples of the Assholes they describe:

-The Guy Who Sucks at Communication
-The Guy Who's Hot and Cold
-The Guy Who's Conflicted About You
-The Guy Who's Just not Ready to Commit
-The Guy Who's not Trustworthy
-The Guy Who's Insecure
-The Guy Who Has an Unhealthy Relationship to Sex

3. The Power of the Pussy: How to Get What you Want From Men: Love, Respect, Commitment and More... (by Kara King)

Also a very funny, witty, blunt and to the point book that basically teaches you how powerful your vajayjay really is, and how to stop putting up with bullshit from guys and get what you want. This is a book all women should read- whether you're single or not.

4. Why Men Marry Bitches (by Sherry Argov)

This is basically the sequel to Why Men Love Bitches (and equally entertaining and insightful book that you absolutely must read). This book is witty, past paced and teaches you why it isn't in your best interest to be overly nice or accomodating to men (especially early on in a relationship). This book will help you grow a backbone.

5. Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man (by Steve Harvey)

Apparently they turned this book into a movie, I never saw it, but after reading this book I really want to! This book is great because it's written from a man's point of view and gives great insight into what QUALITY men are looking for, and what you SHOULD expect from these quality guys. This is a must read!

Email of the Night...

And the email of the night goes to Mrning_Wood.

Not only does this Mr. Wood have an obnoxious profile, he also writes retarded emails. For example:

 "I dated a chick with the voice. I wanted to slap her but she was fine so she got a pass." (in reference to me writing under my pet peeves women who talk with high pitched/nasaly voices like Paris Hilton)

Really Mr Wood? Give me a break! He gets 2 eyes rolls and an OH BROTHER!

The Recycling of Bachelors

I think it might be time to move on to a different dating site. Why you ask? Well, I think I've reached a point where I am corresponding with guys I met several years ago. Here's a story...

I was perusing Match the other night and came upon a profile of a guy my age in Toluca Lake. He's decent looking (no Ryan Gosling though) and he's a helicopter photographer. I thought he seemed interesting enough so I "winked" at him. Well he sent me an email and said,

"Hey there, I may be wrong, so forgive me if I am, I think we met up (via match) like 6 years ago? Hopefully that doesn't scare you away! lol."

I vaguely vaguely vaguely recall his profile if memory serves me correctly, but I honestly cannot remember meeting this guy in person! 6 years ago I was 24 and I had just moved out of my parents house. I remember I was on Match and I met my then boyfriend, Craig- the boring guy from Michigan. But I really don't remember meeting this Recycled Bachelor. If I did meet him it must not have been that exciting, because I have a pretty damn good memory.

So now I am very hesistant to continue chatting with him, because there was obviously a reason it didn't go anywhere (if we in fact did go out). How sad that I've reached a point where I am now meeting guys from 6 years ago! Whoa is me! I need a fresh new dating pool to fish in.

Bachelor #19- Not Allowed to Date Him

This past Saturday I had a coffee date with Bachelor 19. First off, I hate coffee dates. They're boring (unless there's some Baileys in the coffee) and they feel like it's a lazy (and cheap) way for a guy to determine if he wants to see you again. I've been on a total of 2 coffee dates and they never blosson into anything. But I digress...

He was a nice enough guy though- 33, lives in Venice (which I am quickly learning that a lot of douchey guys live down there), works in advertising on the creative side, and seemed relatively normal. Was he the most exciting person on the planet? Nope. Did he crack me up with a spunky and fun sense of humor? Nope. Was he cuter than a monkey? Yeah. So why can't I date him you ask?
Two words- Armenian Genocide. Yes friends, Bachelor #19 was from Turkey and one of my best friends is Armenian, therefore I am forbidden to date a Turk out of respect to my Armenian friends (Turkey attempts to deny the Armenian Genocide- so Armenians and Turks are not friends). My loyalty is with Armenia so there's no point in starting something that can ultimately never work out.

I guess in my profile I should put a disclaimer "Turks need not apply."

Email of the Night

I am going to start little segment called "Email of the Night." I am going to post the "best" (by best I mean lame) emails that I get from Match. Here's a couple for ya...

"Hey I'm Patrick. I am an awful singer, sand crabs scare me, I eat too much chocolate, I don't wash my truck enough, I tend to laugh at inappropriate moments, and sometimes I let my dog sleep on the bed if she looks really cute..."

Ummm, what part of this email is supposed to make me jump off the couch and say "Oh thank you Lord! Thank you for sending me my soulmate!!" Does this joker really think that anything in this email makes him sound like a winner? What part am I supposed to be attracted to exactly?

Here's another one from a "39 year old," and I put it in quotes because there is no way in Hell his old ass man is 39.

"Lets meet for drinks"

That was the extent of the email. I immediately deleted it.

Here's another from some stupid 28 year old. I think he was trying to sound funny, but it was an epic fail on his part.

"I didn't see anything in your profile about your tree climbing skills or flexibility. Can you elaborate on that?"

Maybe he has a monkey fetish.

Bachelor #18- The Vanishing Act

This is kind of a disappointing story, and I was actually hoping this one wouldn't end up as a Bachelor in my blog of failed never-to-be relationships. But lo and behold he ended up being the same as everyone else.... douchebag!

The worst kind of guy to date is the "fake nice guy" or the "wolf in sheep's clothes." This is the guy who comes off as super sweet, normal, down to earth, friendly, affectionate, yada yada. But in reality he clearly isn't any of those things because ends up disappearing off of the face of the earth for no rhyme or reason. No explanation. No good bye. No "hey I'm just not feeling it." No "things are going to fast for me." No "I'm just too busy for a serious relationship right now." NOTHING. I would even be satisfied with a "Hey I met someone else." Any reason is better than no reason at all. It is absolutely MADDENING!

Bachelor #18 and I dated for about a month and a half. We had a lot of great dates. On our first date we met up for drinks and talked for 5 hours. On our second date we had dinner and saw a movie (well we mostly watched the movie wink wink). On our third date we went for a hike, came back to my place and played old school Nintendo. It was so much fun. I really liked him a lot, so I didn't really talk much about him to my friends. I didn't even refer to him as a Bachelor, I actually referred to him by his name (a clear indication that I thought of him differently than everyone else). We saw each other a few more times after that, and in between dates he would text me during the week- and it was actually evident that he was pursuing ME and not the other way around. It was really great.

So I am not really sure what happened between our last dinner date (he came over and I made dinner and it was a great night) and Easter. He had started a new job, so I assumed he was just busy. I didn't hear from him for a week so on Easter I sent a quick text to wish him a happy Easter. He wished me a happy Easter as well and said his day was great because he was watching Game of Thrones. That was a week ago and I haven't heard from him since. And I have absolutely no idea what happened because I know for certain I did not do anything to fuck it up. I admit it when I get to eager too soon, or if I do something retarded. But I am 100% positive I didn't do anything wrong. So my only conclusion is that he is a douchebag.

You might be thinking, "Morgan, maybe something happened to him?" "Maybe he's dead in a ditch." Oh really? Then is it his ghost logging onto Match.com at night? Oh yes, I can see when he is signed on. So clearly he isn't deceased. And I refuse to reach out to him and be like "Yo, what the fuck is your problem?" Because I don't care enough to find out. I am sick of meeting these fake ass guys, who pretend to be super nice, and lure me in, use me and then disappear into the night. To all of you guys who do this kind of shit, go fuck yourselves! I hope you all get crabs and anal warts and bloody explosive diarrhea.

The Random Text From Bachelor #5

So I got a text out of the blue this afternoon from Bachelor #5- the douchebag Army dude who stood me and my lasagna up. I literally have no clue what this even means. Any thoughts or opinions would be much appreciated!

"Morgan, I don't hate you, I really don't like kids. But you are not really a kid anymore. Even when I said that, I didn't mean you." I have no idea what he is talking about right here..... "You are turning into an young adult" He said "an" which should have been "a" but he clearly doesn't know proper English. Also, I am nearly 31, clearly past the age of almost becoming a young adult. "I have, and do consider us friends :) I know I like to give you a hard time like all my other friends. But I am always kidding. Hope you don't think otherwise. P.s. feel free to walk like me anytime :p" What does "walk like me" even mean????

This was totally unsolicited and the last time I thought about this fool was when I was writing his entry. I didn't bother to respond because I don't even know what it means lol...