Interview With a Cheater

You know I've talked about OKCupid in the past, if you haven't done so yet please read my analysis on all of the dating apps/sites out there, because I legit have tried them all and this will help you navigate the dating landscape.

So I recently matched with this good looking guy (wasn't even HIS pics I found out) on OKC and he messaged me first and was asking about me and seemed like a nice person. I knew something shady was up with him because my intuition is on point, and because OKC is a cesspool of nastiness, but I just went along with it because I like to see how things play out.

I am going to just copy/paste the conversation totally unedited:

Him: “Good morning! How was your weekend?”

Me: “It was good, Sunday I skipped the Super Bowl and went to my friend’s house and hung at her pool”

Him: “That sounds even better than watching the game! I need to be honest with you, you seem beyond cool, so I don’t want to waste your time. I’m married :\ “

Me: “You’re married? Then why are you on here? Gotta ask out of curiosity. I like to pick a guy’s brain.”

Him: "Married way too young. That version of me doesn't exist anymore. If that makes any sense. Ask away."

Side note- what the fuck does that even mean???? Married too young is the fucking excuse literally every man who cheats says. I know this for a fact because that is literally the line I have heard from other cheating guys before. So fuck that bull shit.I digress...

Me: "So what's the purpose of being on here? You like the attention?"

Him: "It's definitely not about the attention (yeaaaaaah right). I'm not a kid (yeaaaaaah right). I'm beyond that. I like the mental stimulation (yeaaaaah right). And of course physically."

Me: "So you just want to have affairs? Why not get a divorce then?"

Him: "Not multiple. I'm very picky and don't have time. The divorce question is complicated" (heard that shit before). 

Me: "Do you think this site is best for finding affairs? Or do you use other apps? Like Tinder or Bumble?"

Him: "I've never used Tinder or Bumble, so I wouldn't know. You should do some on the field research with me! lol"

Me: "I am writing a book actually about dating, and I've been on every site and app in existence and I've had crazy experiences. So this fascinates me."

Him: "You know, I would love to have a conversation on dating, from the male's perspective. I think I could provide you with great insight, seriously."

Me: "I'll take a hard pass on the field research, I'm not looking to be someone's side chick. Not to mention I have more integrity than that."

Him: "I would give you the blunt honest truth"

Me: "But your version is skewed because you're not a single man."

Him: "The side chick part was a joke (yeaaaah right). But I'm serious about the conversation."

Me: "How long have you been married?"

Him: "I don't think you quite understand how the male mind works."

Me: "I probably don't. It's baffling honestly."

Him: "It's not as simple as saying, he's just a dog. I know most men are like me. Women just refuse to accept it. I bet 80% of men cheat."

Me: "No I am of the thinking that most men are in fact like you. I've been cheated on so I know. And I've gone out with lots of guys who seem shady probably because they're hiding something. I'm not naive."

Him: "What I always tell people, don't go on free dating apps looking for something serious. Those are mostly guys looking to hook up. The serious relationship types are on the paid apps."

Me: "I've used the paid ones. The guys seem shady there too. Or just plain gross."

Him: "Those ask for credit card info, that by itself removes those who can't give out that info. Yes, you'll still get shady, but much less."

Me: " Aren't you worried your wife will find out you're on here? Or do you have an agreement or something?"

Him: "She has no idea. I use a texting app. I delete both when I'm home. I'm not the guy in the pics, that's a friend. But I'm very attractive and well off, so the women I've met don't care. I never meet anyone unless we have chemistry. So once they see me, they still find me attractive, with the interaction chemistry, they don't care."

Me: "Got it, wow this is all fascinating." 

Him: "By the way, there's a ton of women on here doing the same. But I'm sure it's much more men."

Me: "I'm sure there are."

Him: "These apps are really difficult if you're looking for something serious. I would say this technology has advanced cheating."

Me: "I agree."

Him: "If you're smart and careful. Almost impossible to get caught. There's no trace on my phone bills and I don't use my real name. I'm super honest before we meet, and once they see me, they're ok with it." 

Me: "So when you say you got married too young, and you like mental stimulation- does that mean you're bored? Like is your wife boring? Or did you like get married at 20 and you've been married like 10 years already so that's why you're bored? I've never been married so I don't know what it's like to be with someone long enough to get bored."

Him: "Men take much longer to mature, develop into themselves. When I got married, I was a stupid/naive person. I didn't know any better. I lover her, she was intelligent, very attractive, etc. But I didn't realize with time, I would develop into a different person. I now know exactly what I like, what stimulates me. Her likes, personality, sexuality isn't compatible with mine. I strongly believe in choosing a partner based on compatibility and the 4 personality types: amiable, analytical, driver and expressive. Compatibility: level of open minded, conversations, sexuality, likes, humor, etc."

End interview. I then asked him if he has any single friends who would be interested in asking my questions because now I am dying to pick their brains too. 

Moral of the story- online dating is full of shady ass nasty mother fuckers- so buyers beware. 

A PSA on Dick Pics

This PSA is more for the fellas, the fellas who like showing off their wangs to women who don't ask to see them. Why am I bringing this up? Because I recently received 2 unsolicited dick pics from a Colombian guy I had matched with on OKC. He and I just started to text, he mentioned that once you go Colombian you don't go back. I asked why, he said do you really want to know? I said enlighten me... and then he sent 2 giant dick pics. Another time I got an unsolicited dick pic from a guy I had been dating. Like dude, I saw your dick in person, I don't need a fucking picture of it.

Now fellas, despite what you might like to think, women (or most women I should say) don't find dicks attractive. When we go see those sexy strippers at Thunder Down Under in Vegas, those guys are basically naked minus their dicks. Why? Because we don't really want to see that shit swinging around. Those sexy man calendars that I love to buy... they feature men with sexy abs and arms... not their schlongs.

So please fellas, for the love of all that's holy, keep your dick a mystery unless a woman straight up asks to see it. If you send me a dick pic you better believe I am sharing that shit with ALL my girlfriends for a laugh, not because it's hot.

Catching a Catfish- Tips to Figure Out He's Fake AF

I am 35 years old, single AF, and I am the mother fucking QUEEN of catching a catfish. No, I'm not talking about fishing, I'm talking about catfishing like the MTV show- which I have literally watched every fucking episode of and is the only reason why I can spot a catfish from a mile away. THANK YOU MTV!!!!

Those of you who are lucky enough to be in a relationship and/or have avoided the bull shit that is known as online dating probably don't know what the fuck I'm talking about. According to Urban Dictionary, a catfish is someone who pretends to be someone they're not by using FB, Insta, or other social media to create false identities, particularly to pursue deceptive online romances. Sounds crazy right?

Now, usually the victims of catfishing are teenagers or young adults (in their early 20s) who met their fake ass online BAE on social media because kids are glued to their phones and shit and probably don't socialize anymore in real- sadly like many adults (myself EXCLUDED because I am a fucking social butterfly). So these kids meet someone when they're young online, they fall in love cuz they're stupid, they text/email back and forth with this online person for years, proclaim their love and dreams of marriage, and then they eventually get all suspicious or annoyed because their BAE won't Facetime them or meet in person- even after YEARS of talking. Hell, sometimes the person they love won't ever call them on the phone and they literally only text. That's when they call up MTV and enlist the help of the hosts of Catfish, Nev Schulman and Max Joseph. So then Nev and Max fly out to help this poor young person, and they do their detective work to help prove that the person that they're in a "relationship" with is using fake photos (usually stolen from poor unsuspecting schmo's social media account) and isn't who they say they are. 99% of the time they prove that someone is lying about who they say they are and it's amazing to watch the train wreck happen. Why the fuck would anyone fall in love with someone they NEVER MET or haven't even Facetimed with? It's fucking 2018!! Everyone, LITERALLY EVERYONE, has a smart phone- even my 74 year aunt! Fucking 3 year olds have iPhones. And in the rare event you don't have a smart phone, your friends sure as hell do. So there is no excuse whatsoever to not Facetime or Skype or whatever.

Ok I am digressing because I am super passionate about this show. MTV puts out a lot of shitty shows, but Catfish is literally the best and if you're single you need to watch it because you will learn some very valuable tips that you can apply to online dating because there are TONS of shady ass people online and you need to protect yourself and avoid wasting time on someone who is not real. I seriously have caught at least 5 catfishers in the last 2 years because of the crazy skills I learned from Catfish. So I'm going to share with you the signs of a catfisher and what to look out for and how to research.

Clue #1 - Their profile has like zero information about themselves and maybe 1 or 2 pictures. This is the most obvious giveaway 99% of the time. They are either fake or they are cheating on their woman. It's rare that a dude is real, especially on Tinder or Bumble, if they have no info about their location, job, age, etc. Granted I did recently go on a date with a guy who had only 1 pic on Tinder, but I just got lucky that he was real.

Clue #2 & 3 - They tell you they are in the military and give you a weird story- like their parents are dead and they are an only child. Now I have gone out with at least 4 or 5 guys who were just of the military or still active, so I'm not saying that if a dude says he's in the military he's fake. What you have to look out for is his STORY. For example, I once started talking with a guy from OKC who said he was in the military but was deployed in mother fucking Africa. If a dude is telling you his ass is deployed and he's away in some far off land, that's a big fucking red flag because it just makes it super convenient for him to never be able to call you, Facetime, or meet up or be available at normal hours to text. And if his ass is deployed and he's off fighting ISIS in some crazy ass country, I don't think his ass will be on OKC hitting up women.

Second part of this is not just the location, it's other details that make it convenient for him to not have a personal story to share with you, or people to substantiate who he is. For example, I once matched with this dude on Bumble who told me he was in the Army and was deployed (even though according to the location on Bumble it said he was 11 miles away- dead giveaway that his ass isn't deployed). He told me this random story about how he was an only child and his parents were dead. So with that story it makes YOU feel awkward so that you don't push him to talk about his alleged dead family.

Clue # 4 - They keep saying they want to meet you, they even keep asking when you're free, yet they never pull the trigger, even if you live within 2 miles of each other. Even a dude looking to cheat will meet up with you, but a dude who is fugly and using a hot guy's photos on Tinder obviously won't meet you in person because his cover will be blown.

Clue # 5 - They won't Facetime with you. Again big red flag here. Pretty simple. It takes a minute to Facetime and prove you are the person in the photo. If you aren't the person in the picture then obviously you won't wanna Facetime.

Clue # 6 - Look them up on Facebook and Instagram, if they don't exist on either social media platform they are probably fake. Most of the dating apps today have you sign in and link to your Facebook account, and many also have you link to Instagram to help weed out the fake people. If you can't find someone from Tinder or Bumble on Facebook odds are they are fake. And if you find them on Insta look at their followers. Are their followers mostly hot women? Big clue they they're fake and just playing a shit ton of women because they probably have a small dick and low self esteem. And if you do find their Facebook profile, also check out the # of friends they have. If they have like 3 friends it is probably a fake account.

Clue # 7 & 8 - When they start messaging you they get intense AF really fast. Maybe it doesn't necessarily mean someone is fake, but it for sure means you're dealing with a crazy ass psycho. I recently matched with this other guy on Tinder and we were messaging on Tinder one night and he got intense really fast. Like saying crazy shit that he wants me to be his queen in his palace and that he wants me to make him laugh always and that he wants to get married. He went from introducing himself to me to professing his love basically in like 5 minutes. Which leads me to clue 8 - they don't speak like a regular bro from America. Ok I understand that people come from other countries and maybe English isn't their first language, but if a dude says his ass was born and raised in Texas and he's in the Army and he's American then he will text and say shit like a normal American guy. I wish I had saved the texts because it's hard to explain this one, just trust me on this. He did NOT speak like English was his first language because his sentences were all jacked up and he didn't say shit regular American guys say.

Clue # 9 & 10 -  Another red flag is when a guy wants you to text him on a messaging app like kik. This shit has alarm bells ringing for me big time. I've had at least 3 guys ask me to use kik who were fake. If you match with a guy, and he allegedly lives nearby then why the fuck message on kik and not text like a regular fucking person with iMessage? That's just hella suspicious. Another big sign is  not only when a guy says intense shit right away like in clue #10, but he also gets really angry easily especially if you're asking him to prove he is who he says he is. The thing with kik is that it is easy to fake who you are. kik has a "camera" function so you can send live photos to the person you're messaging, same as iMessage. So when you send a "live" pic from the camera in kik right below the picture you send it says "camera." So you would assume the photo was taken live, like right then, right? Nope. Because there is a way to send a picture and make it appear like it was taken from the camera when it wasn't. Trust me, I Googled this shit and I found tons of videos and articles on how to do it. So if you're texting a guy and you're not sure he is real even though he is sending you "live photos" the best thing you can do is ask him to take a picture of him holding a piece of paper with your name and today's date. If he is legit he will do it because he has nothing to hide. The thing is, every guy who I have asked to do this is fake and gets all pissed off because you're clearly calling them out on their bull shit. Do yourself a favor and just immediately jump ship if a dude asks you to text on kik. You'll thank me.

Clue # 11- Stolen profile pics are super easy to find, especially if someone steals them from an unsecure FB profile. Just Google image search the pictures on their Tinder/Bumble account. Again, watch Catfish to see how they do this. Another useful skill I picked up from this brilliant show.

So I've given you 11 things to be aware of that can help you spot a catfish. I am a legit detective at this point because I have had so many guys try and catfish me. I am 35 years old, why the fuck do I have to still deal with this bull shit? Read my story about the Bumble guy who tried to catfish me. It's pretty interesting.

Well I hope this was helpful. Next time I'll tell you about the Colombian from OKC who sent me 2 unsolicited dick pics, which I of course shared with my friends :)