Oy Vey... Oklahoma

Christmas is my favorite time of year. Delicious food, festive decorations, Santa, presents...
This past Christmas Santa brought me a man from Oklahoma. We matched on Tinder the day of Christmas Eve, while I was prepping my amazing holiday lasagna (Tinder is fun when you are waiting for something to cook and you need to kill some time).

My family tends to eat like senior citizens during holidays, meaning dinner is at 4:30, we finish festivities by 8 and then I go home and have second dinner by 8:30 (because 4:30 is too damn early to have dinner). Mr. Oklahoma reached out to me as I was about to settle in and watch It's a Wonderful Life and have a glass of wine, and he suggested meeting up for a drink. I thought to myself "should I stay in and watch this movie I've watched 100 times or should I risk being murdered on Christmas Eve by a stranger?"

We met up at a local British pub near my place and we hit it off instantly (which I've come to realize is a pattern throughout all of my encounters and perhaps I should date someone who I want to punch in the face instantly). He was out here from Tulsa visiting his mom and sister for Christmas, was charming, sounded like Matthew McConaughey and had an actual job. We got along well, so well that he invited me over to meet his mom and sister the next day after the Christmas festivities had concluded. I was like "ummm you want me to meet who? " I don't what possessed me to take him up on his offer, perhaps it was the Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come, but after I was done with my family I went over and met his family and it was awkward AF, as you would expect. I mean his family was nice to me, but while we were sitting there all watching The Holiday I just kept thinking "omg what the fuck am I doing?"

From there my life turned into a Hallmark Channel Christmas movie. The next day Mr. Oklahoma and I randomly decided to take a trip to Temecula to go wine tasting for a few days. I figured he wasn't going to murder me if he just introduced me to his mom and sister, so I felt relatively safe. We had a great time down, drinking wine, eating, getting to know each other. I was starting to think Santa actually brought me what I wanted for Christmas- a decent adult male.

He went home to Tulsa and we stayed in touch, talking on the phone, texting, Face Time. After a few months I took a trip out to visit him because things seemed pretty serious. The plan was to spend a few days in Oklahoma then take a little road trip to Missouri (two states in one trip that I never in a million years think I would ever go visit because there's really no reason to). The trip overall was pleasant, but lordy there were more red flags than a construction zone. Let me list them for you (the flags get progressively bigger and redder as I go down the list):

1. He has a 10 year old son, who he didn't meet until he was 2, because he opted to move to California after impregnating someone he was dating. He said he was planning on moving out to California before he knew of the pregnancy, but he was 29 at the time which is old enough to know that's sort of fucked up (in my opinion). Now I do give him credit for moving back to Oklahoma to be in his son's life, but that didn't leave me with a good impression.

2. He seemed to go back and forth on whether or not he wanted more kids. When we first met he made it sound like he wanted more, but then he would say something different, then say he wanted a daughter. I couldn't really tell how he really felt because he kept ping ponging back and forth. I KNOW I want kids, so if you're unsure then thank you next.

3. He also kept going back and forth on leaving Tulsa. He would say that he couldn't leave because he needed to be around for his son (which I totally respect and would never ask someone to leave their kid) but then he also said he isn't tethered to Oklahoma because of his son and that he could move back to California since his mom and sister live out here, but then he would never live in an apartment and California is expensive. Again, couldn't keep up with how he really felt about leaving, but I knew for damn sure there was no way in hell I would ever move out there.

4. He's divorced because he cheated on his wife with his son's mother (enough said). He had the nerve to try and rationalize what happened by saying that his baby momma invited him over to "talk" about their son and she gave him too much wine. Give me a fucking break.

5. He has a stalker ex-girlfriend (allegedly) who sends him weekly sexy pics, and he had the balls to show me the pictures that he SAVED to his camera roll. What the hell??? He was complaining that she would send these photos, and I was like ummm block the number dumb ass. He said he would and then she would text from another number. But he also said he couldn't keep relationships because of this, ummm sure. Yeah that's the reason. How about don't show someone you're dating sexy photos  of someone you used to date that you are clearly saving to your phone!

6. I felt like he had to make it a point to tell me that he only dated hot women, which was really odd. He insisted on showing me a picture of his son's mom so I could see how pretty she was, and he showed me the skanky photos of his "stalker" ex-girlfriend. He also said that he's done dating hot women because they would just use him, and he didn't need someone with a perfect body, and that he wanted to date someone like me who was sweet and made her own money. Ummm thanks? Total back-handed compliment there buddy.

7. He had major character flaws that I just couldn't look past. He used derogatory terms that I won't repeat, and he was impatient and rude. We went wine tasting in Missouri, and the first tasting room we went to was a little busy (for Missouri) and there was only 1 woman there to serve and help everyone, and the poor woman was pregnant. And Mr. Oklahoma was getting huffy because we weren't getting served fast enough, and he would just say rude shit and I'm thinking to myself dude she's right there don't be a dick. I have no tolerance for that kind of shit.

8. I showed him a picture of my nephew and asked "isn't be cute?" and the mother fucker said NO. He said he didn't think any kids were cute, which is psychotic, and so I shouldn't be offended. I wanted to kick him square in the nuts. First of all, my nephew is undeniably cute, and I'm not saying that because I am his Aunt. It is a fucking fact. Second, even if he wasn't cute, you don't say that to someone you're dating! You don't say that to anyone! What the hell is wrong with you????

Needless to say I am no longer talking to Mr. Oklahoma.