Why are men fucking weird???

It's been a while since I've blogged because frankly I am tired of writing about this dating nonsense, but I had to share what this guy on OKC just text me today. 

Ok so I got an email from a pretty good looking guy on OKC last night, he’s 37 and he is an acrobat (like Cirque du Soleil type of shit). So he sends me an email because we both live in Studio City and it’s rare to meet someone near you, so we chit chat a little before bed and he gives me his # - I never text guys first so I gave him mine. Fucker wanted to Facetime last night and I declined and was like ummm it’s 1am my ass is going to bed, I am in bed in the dark not chatting now. Of course he’s like you can easily remedy that by flipping a switch, I was like nope not happening I am not getting out of bed to do that and I am sleeping now. 

So today he texts me while at the dentist and I say I’m at work, and he’s like you should come visit me after. I’m like visit? Visit where? He says his place and I say I don’t make it a point to meet strange men at their homes. He then says I shouldn't make it a point but that he has an adorned  acrobatic circus home (or something like that) and I said as much as I would like to see a circus home I’ll have to pass. And then he goes on to saying how he is an Airbnb host and he has over 70 reviews, blah blah. Like wtf does that have to do with anything??? Why are 37 year old men fucking weirdos???????

Bachelor #37- The Argentinian Who Hated Disneyland

The first date I had with Bachelor #37 was probably the most awkward date I've ever had in my entire life, yet I saw him again anyway.


I met this one on Match, and I think we had emailed a few times a year ago but we never went out for whatever reason. So we started chatting again and right off the bat he wanted to skip the bullshit and just talk on the phone- which was fine with me. During our first phone conversation he said "Can we just cut through the bull shit and be real?" and I was immediately sold. I liked his bluntness because he seemed like he just genuinely wanted to get to know me and not deal with all the fake getting to know you shit.


On our first date we met up at my favorite local dive bar, which in hindsight was a bad choice because there was a really loud/bad band playing that night so it was hard to talk. But I got really shy when he got there, he was kind of intimidating- which is weird because it's very hard to intimidate ME. He even called me out on being quieter in person than on the phone.


After a few drinks we decided to go elsewhere because it was too damn loud. He asked me where I wanted to go, I joked and said Page 71 (which is like a mini dance club) and he said ok let's go. I was like no I'm just kidding, he said no no let's go. So we went, it was 20x louder than the previous bar- but at least the music was popp'n, but again not conducive to talking.


So we bailed on that place, I thought we were done for the night but he STILL wanted to hang out more, which surprised me because I didn't really think he had liked me. So we went and got some late night food and hung out longer. The night ended up being salvaged by the most amazing grilled cheese sandwich that I ever consumed in my entire life.


We went out several more times, but ultimately we were not compatible. 1) He was more into his little dog than me, 2) He was a TOTAL early bird and I love sleeping in, 3) He snored like a fucking lumber jack and I just can't deal with that, 4) He HATED Disneyland!! Who fucking hates the happiest place on earth???? That was a total deal breaker considering I have an annual pass and it is my favorite place ever. He said Disneyland embodied the mediocrity of America, I said "So you think I'm mediocre?"


I also hated that he was slow as shit to ask me out even after several dates. Like what the hell are you waiting for?? He made me feel like he didn't really want to date me, but then he'd send mixed messages by saying it's been to long since we saw each other and we needed to hang out soon. Ummmm so then plan a date mother fucker. I immediately pulled the plug when I met Bachelor #38.

Bachelor #36- The Bachelor Who Saved me From a Bum

Bachelor #36 can fall under the category of a "One Hit Wonder," meaning we went out on 1 date and never heard from him again.


He was the first guy I went out with on eHarmony (that site is not lucrative at all- very low return on investment so I don't recommend it). He was your typical Hollywood Jew, lived in a super baller apartment, had a flashy car, blah blah blah.


We met up at his place since it was in a prime location and we walked to an awesome Mexican restaurant. As we were walking this crazy homeless dude (who I thought was dead because he was laying on the ground) popped up and leapt toward me. Bachelor #36 sprung into action and protected me from this crazy hobo and got rid of him. I thought he was gonna punch him out, that would've been pretty awesome. After that happened he automatically got points for not being a pussy.


We had a great lunch, drank some margaritas, went back to his place and hung out at the pool. It was a pretty great day, I felt like I was at a resort. After the pool we had some wine, he serenaded me with his guitar (I'm a sucker for men who can play guitar) and then we made out. That day I exhibited self control and went home without anything happening that would shame my family.... which is probably why I never heard from him after that. But it's ok, I think I liked his place more than him.


Lesson I learned from this, eHarmony produces jerks also.

Bachelor #35- The Wannabe Director

I went out with Bachelor #35 for the sake of just going out. I NEVER date guys in the "movie" industry. This includes wannabe directors, producers, writers, actors, etc. But I went out with this guy because I was just trying to get my mind off of Bachelor #34. During this date I was going through a period in which I couldn't hear out of my left ear. My eustachian tube in my ear was plugged due to pressure, so I was literally deaf in my left ear for a few weeks (fortunately one of my best friends is a chiropractor and kept adjusting me until my ear popped which felt better than an orgasm).


Of course during my deafness we decide to meet up at a bar. I told him up front that I was having hearing issues and I apologized for saying "huh?" every two seconds. It was ok though. We talked, had a drink... he mentioned he had gotten a DUI which is always a red flag for me. So he didn't drink more than a beer.


After our first bar he was like "my friend is having a birthday party at this brewery in downtown LA do you want to go?" I said sure because I had nothing better to do, he was cute enough, although short, and I didn't feel like going home yet. So we met up with some of his friends, we had a beer, played a few rounds of Jenga and had a good time. I always enjoy meeting strangers so it wasn't awkward for me.


What was awkward was at the end of the night when he was like "well I had fun, do you want to do this again?" and I said the obligatory "sure" when in actuality we both knew we would never see each other again.


I should've stuck to my rule in which I don't date men in the "movie" business because they are all lame. He directed a movie, I saw the trailer, and it was a piece of shit. The end.

Bachelor #34 - Mr. Right?

Hi friends. If you haven't noticed I took a bit of a hiatus from writing. Partly out of frustration, partly due to lack of time, and partly due to the fact that sometimes it hurts to rehash these stories.


Bachelor #34 had so much potential that it sucks to write about him. He was the kind of guy with an infectious laugh. He was not only funny himself, but he laughed at everything I said. Aside from that he was cute in that really sweet, wholesome way. It didn't hurt that he was successful in his career and was an actual adult.


Our first date we met up for brunch, and we had such a great time. It was easy. It was fun. It was real.


Our second date we had dinner at a restaurant near my office that I loved. He showed up in a suit and was all sorts of handsome. He was so polite to the waitress, which is a very important indicator of their overall attitude. It was such a great evening. We laughed a ton and he picked out some great wine. He was so classy.


Our third date I decided to invite him out and we went to the museum together. We spent the entire afternoon looking at and discussing art. It was so refreshing to be with someone who had an interest in something other than drinking and fucking. He was so educated and just so interesting to talk to.
After the museum he wanted to hang out more. So we went to get coffee, talked more and then went and had dinner. We literally hung out the entire day and night.


What happened after than magical third date? Nothing. Not a god damn thing. Never heard from him again. I don't know why. I don't know what happened. But I never heard from him again. And I will be honest, it fucking sucked and it hurt a lot. Maybe he met someone else, maybe he died in a car crash. I will never know, and that is what bothers me the most. It's always the hardest when you connect with someone and have a few good dates with someone who disappears for no good reason. I didn't want to continue after him, but I didn't have a choice.

Email of the Night

My favorite segment! Email of the night. Tonight's email comes from FitnessFreakinOC:


"You’re pretty much the only woman I’ve seen on this site that doesn’t creep the living hell out of me. Do you like egg salad sandwiches? ;-) "


Not sure why he'd ask if I like egg salad sandwiches, but I am proud that I am not creepy. #Winning

Bachelor #33- Dating Myself

After going out with so many boring or random guys I always say I wish I could just date myself, because I am perfect for me. Well I got my wish, sort of.


Bachelor #33 was also named Morgan and our birthdays were 6 days apart. We both had dry, sarcastic senses of humor- but the difference was that I can be bubbly (I know shocking) and he seemed flat as a board.


On our first date we met up for drinks. He was a good looking guy and we had a decent time. I immediately noticed his dry sense of humor, but I also noticed he didn't have any inflection in his voice. He was very monotone. I thought maybe he was just nervous or something. We had a good time though, he did make me laugh, but thinking back I'm wondering if I was laughing because he was so absurdly dry or if because he actually said funny things.


I went out with him on a second date because he called me to ask me out- and I appreciated that small indication that he was a man. We had dinner, but during dinner again he was just dry as dust. I truly was 100x funnier than he was. After we went back to his place for dessert. We had some cheesecake, and we had some wine- I appreciated that he had prepared in advance so I gave him a point for that.


So then after dessert he went in for the kiss. He was the worst kisser I had experienced since the time my sister set me up with the security guard at her first job when I was right out of college and he had never kissed a girl before and I was his first kiss! Kissing him was like kissing a cave. That means that he did absolutely nothing with his tongue and that he just kind of had his mouth open- like a fish trying to get air. No wonder he is 34 and still single- he can't fucking kiss!


After a while I excused myself and went on my merry way home. I never heard from him again, and I honestly didn't give a shit. I cannot date a guy who never seems excited by anything and who doesn't know how to kiss properly. Blech!

Bachelor #32- The Ukranian with no Empathy Toward the Morbidly Obese

Bachelor #32 was soooooooooo boring! Good lord! He was cute in his pictures but had the personality of sandpaper.


He was born in the Ukraine and came here when he was 10. He still had a very thick accent and was hard to understand. We met up for dinner and immediately trying to get him to talk was like trying to get Joan Rivers to stop fucking with her face.


It's never a good sign on a first date when you immediately find your waiter more interesting than your date. Bachelor #32 had nothing to say, so I just began talking about literally anything that came to my mind. The first things that came to my mind were my favorite bizarre TV shows, including My 600 Pound Life and My Strange Obsession- both on TLC. I had asked him if he ever watched those shows, clearly he didn't. I started telling him that My 600 Pound Life follows the weight loss journey of the morbidly obese. His response (in a thick accent) was "I don't feel bad for them, it's not a disease. It's called eating a carrot." Yikes! #Hater


After he said that I immediately regretted ordering that bowl of delicious pasta for my dinner. I don't remember what we talked about after, mostly because I wasn't listening and I was too busy thinking about the hot waiter and guzzling my wine.


After dinner he gave me a kiss on the cheek, but it lingered far too long. Fortunately the valet brought my car in time for me to escape before he could try and get to my mouth. Yuck!


Note to self- avoid Eastern Europeans, especially during this Russian/Ukraine show down going on.

Email of the Night

It's been a while since I've done this segment, I've gotten so many gems but I've hastily deleted them. Here's one from HWCarGuy:


"So... Some jumper cables walk into a bar. Bartender says, 'You better not start anything in here.' "


And.... that's all he wrote. My response to him was "How many times have you tried that joke?" I hope I get a response!


Here's one from a 63 year old who could be my dad.... Santiago6102: "I enjoyed your profile and would like to get to know you."


What in the hell would ever make him think that a 31 year old would EVER respond to an old ass man??? He needs a lesson from Patti Stanger in age appropriate dating!


Here's my favorite from this week. This submission comes from Travelman03, he is 42- again far beyond my desired dating age bracket. His email was very simple and to the point: "Hello beautiful babe." Really??? Talk about being a word smith.

Bachelor #31- My First UFC Fight

Immediately after Bachelor #30 I met Bachelor #31 on OkCupid. I know I had vowed never to try that site again because the majority of guys seemed creepy and perverted, but I figured if I put a disclaimer on my profile explicitly stating I was not interested in a hook up, maybe it would help weed out the creepos and pervies.


So one afternoon I started emailing back and forth with this guy who was born and raised in Venezuela. My sister is always telling me I need to broaden out my dating pool beyond the typical white boys that I date, so I figured I'd go for a South American. After several back and forth emails, he asked me if I was interested in going to a bar to watch a UFC fight. I had never in my wildest dreams thought I'd be into fighting, but after keeping an open mind I found that I actually really enjoyed it. I met up with Bachelor 31 at Buffalo Wild Wings (I know, super classy) and we were lucky enough to score a table to watch the fight. He was decent looking, his accent was a little thick though so I said "huh?" probably 55 times that night. The fight kept my attention though, and he was nice enough. He kept asking me if I wanted to come over the next day and ride his motorcycle. I said no because I think they are death machines.


Overall he wasn't the most boring person I've ever been out with, but I certainly wasn't feeling the flames of passion. I don't think he did either because I never heard from him again. Maybe he was using the word "motorcycle" as a metaphor for his dick and was offended I didn't want to come for a ride. Who knows... I wasn't interested in either to be honest. He was no Ricky Martin.

Bachelor #30- The Man Who Didn't Drink... WTF

The story of Bachelor 30 is a quick one. After the devastation of Bachelor 29 I quickly got back on the dating horse. I re-signed up for Match (I had been off it since before I went to Spain) and sure enough the first guy I meet was a non-drinker. I didn't even think those guys existed in LA but they do. I thought our first date would be boring since I wasn't about to order an alcoholic beverage and look like a lush on a Monday night. We actually had a great time, he made me laugh and was fun to talk to. I never had so much fun sober before on a date.


For a split second I thought there was a possibility I would be able to date a non-drinker. But after date 2 I realized that wasn't going to happen. On our second date we watched a movie at my place, and I was bored silly. Not because we weren't drinking, but because I realized that there are too many fun social events that I enjoy that involve alcohol that I couldn't do with this guy- like wine tasting for instance. I LOVE wine tasting and I want a man who can enjoy it with me.


So after the second date neither one of us bothered to reach out for a third date... and I didn't shed a tear over it.

Bachelor #29 - Savannah, GA

I've been delaying this story because I don't really feel like reliving it, but I owe it to my loyal audience to divulge. In the last post I mentioned I had met Bachelor 28 and then went off to Savannah to spend the Columbus holiday weekend with my girlfriend. I had never been to the South, and I thought we were just going to have a nice, quiet, relaxing weekend laying at the pool, eating delicious southern food, stalking Paula Deen and experiencing one of those famous haunted walking tours... our weekend was the opposite.


I won't go into too much detail, but one night I ended up meeting a guy at a bar. That night I vowed I was going to go to bed early and only have 1 drink because I had been hung over from the previous night (I was at a pirate festival, and I can honestly say I drank like a pirate). The guy I met lived in Savannah, but was originally from Minnesota. For most of the night I was oblivious to the fact that he was flirting with me, maybe I was too hungover or uninterested to notice. I ended up hanging out with him until 7am the next day. Needless to say I thoroughly enjoyed his company but never did I think anything would come of it.


The next day, while my friend and I were looking for our rental car somewhere in downtown Savannah, I ran into this fellow again. He and his friend were at a bar, saw me and ran outside to wave me down. Of course I felt obligated to have a drink with him. We hung out some more, and at this point he was starting to grow on me. So I invited him to come with me on a haunted walking tour that evening, and sure enough he did. It was one of the most fun filled nights I've ever had to be honest. I really liked him at this point, but I lived in LA and he lived there, and I don't do long distance relationships so I didn't bother to think about anything past that night.


The next day I was flying home and he asked me to call him before I took off, then to call him when I landed in Austin for my connecting flight, then call him when I landed in LA. Well after I got home he ended up calling me every day, sometimes multiple times a day. Apparently I had quite an effect on him (naturally) and he asked me to come out for his birthday. Being the spontaneous woman that I am, and also a stupid one, the next month I flew back out to Savannah to see the new Bachelor 29 for his birthday. I won't lie and say I didn't have an amazing time... it was the best weekend I had in a long, long, long time. He was romantic, funny as hell, passionate, took me all over Savannah, introduced me to all of his friends and his uncle, made me dinner. We had so much fun, so many laughs, made lots of great memories. It was almost like a scene out of the Notebook when we went down to this little lake and fed the ducks together. I was really thinking that there was a chance that something serious was blossoming. Boy was I wrong!


After I returned back to LA he continued to call me religiously every single day. We even discussed him coming out to LA to see me, and me coming out to Minnesota since he was planning on moving back there. But right after Christmas the phone calls became less frequent, and eventually they stopped altogether. It was like a knife to the heart. It was really nice having someone consistent to talk to- to talk about my day, have someone to listen to me... so it was really painful when it all stopped without a reason. In the end I came to my senses and realized I was obviously too good for him (I'm older, more mature, I have a successful career, my own place, no debt... I can't say the same for Bachelor 29). I just got swept up in the romanticism of the moment. People always say you meet "the one" when you aren't looking, and I wasn't looking in Savannah, so clearly I thought maybe he would be "the one." But everything people say about finding "the one" when you aren't looking is total bull shit. People also say that men from the Midwest or the South are really sweet... this too is total bull shit. They are all cut from the same stinky, smelly, shitty cloth.

Bachelor #28- The Hot Army Guy Who Vanished

Well everyone I'm back. I know many of you have missed hearing about my dating shenanigans and hijinks so I've decided to come back from my hiatus... you're welcome.


So last fall, after my Spanish spree, I met Bachelor #28 on Tinder. He was a hottie patottie- fresh out of the Army, all American guy, tall, handsome, had a country twang... he was the whole package (lookswise). Our first date was fantastic. We met up at a bar in Los Feliz, had a drink and talked. Then we went to Hollywood and went to the Comedy Store and watched a bunch of comedians all night. It was one of the best dates I've had in a really long time. After the show he immediately asked me out again- score beans!


So about a week later it was his 30th birthday and he invited me out with his friends- I thought that was a promising sign, but in reality I was overly hopeful for no reason. He was at a country bar with his friends out in Chatsworth, so I went out there and met up with him. His friends were all very nice, his best friend even bought me a drink. There was line dancing so Bachelor #28 and I attempted to participate (we were awful but at least we were able to laugh at ourselves). It was really a fantastic time.


After everyone cleared out from the bar Bachelor # 28 came back to my place. Now I know what you're thinking, but you're wrong! I did NOT sleep with him! Shocking, I know. We did, however, make out but Patti Stanger says that is ok. Man was he a great kisser!


After that incredible night I left for Savannah, GA to meet up with my girlfriend. While I was in Savannah Bachelor #28 text me everyday. So it was surprising that when I got back from my trip that I never saw him again. Yup, another vanishing act! Right when I came back from my trip he left for his trip, he was going to Kentucky for the Jack Daniels Food Fest. Maybe he ate too much and exploded, maybe his plane crashed, maybe he realized he was gay and met a great guy and decided to stay out there forever. I will never know. I do know that I wish I had slept with him because it probably would have been really awesome.

Overdue Follow Up on Bachelor #26

Hello friends. I realize I haven't written anything in quite some time, mostly because nothing exciting was really going on in my life. A few birdies have told me that my fans have been missing my writing, so I am going to try and make a come back of sorts.

I've realized that I never provided an update on Bachelor #26, who I went out with back in September- against my better judgement. Well that fucker never called me again after our second "first" date, even though he said he wanted to see me again! I honestly don't know why guys constantly pull this shit, but it is annoying as hell. I'm sure there are plenty of women out there too who do this, but for the most part I think it's built into the DNA of men.

The lesson that I have learned from that experience is this: Once the shit is flushed down the toilet just let it go. I hereby vow once and for all NEVER to give second changes to pieces of shit that waste my time. Leave them in the sewers ladies to rot in their own stink!