Email of the Night

My favorite segment! Email of the night. Tonight's email comes from FitnessFreakinOC:


"You’re pretty much the only woman I’ve seen on this site that doesn’t creep the living hell out of me. Do you like egg salad sandwiches? ;-) "


Not sure why he'd ask if I like egg salad sandwiches, but I am proud that I am not creepy. #Winning

Bachelor #33- Dating Myself

After going out with so many boring or random guys I always say I wish I could just date myself, because I am perfect for me. Well I got my wish, sort of.


Bachelor #33 was also named Morgan and our birthdays were 6 days apart. We both had dry, sarcastic senses of humor- but the difference was that I can be bubbly (I know shocking) and he seemed flat as a board.


On our first date we met up for drinks. He was a good looking guy and we had a decent time. I immediately noticed his dry sense of humor, but I also noticed he didn't have any inflection in his voice. He was very monotone. I thought maybe he was just nervous or something. We had a good time though, he did make me laugh, but thinking back I'm wondering if I was laughing because he was so absurdly dry or if because he actually said funny things.


I went out with him on a second date because he called me to ask me out- and I appreciated that small indication that he was a man. We had dinner, but during dinner again he was just dry as dust. I truly was 100x funnier than he was. After we went back to his place for dessert. We had some cheesecake, and we had some wine- I appreciated that he had prepared in advance so I gave him a point for that.


So then after dessert he went in for the kiss. He was the worst kisser I had experienced since the time my sister set me up with the security guard at her first job when I was right out of college and he had never kissed a girl before and I was his first kiss! Kissing him was like kissing a cave. That means that he did absolutely nothing with his tongue and that he just kind of had his mouth open- like a fish trying to get air. No wonder he is 34 and still single- he can't fucking kiss!


After a while I excused myself and went on my merry way home. I never heard from him again, and I honestly didn't give a shit. I cannot date a guy who never seems excited by anything and who doesn't know how to kiss properly. Blech!

Bachelor #32- The Ukranian with no Empathy Toward the Morbidly Obese

Bachelor #32 was soooooooooo boring! Good lord! He was cute in his pictures but had the personality of sandpaper.


He was born in the Ukraine and came here when he was 10. He still had a very thick accent and was hard to understand. We met up for dinner and immediately trying to get him to talk was like trying to get Joan Rivers to stop fucking with her face.


It's never a good sign on a first date when you immediately find your waiter more interesting than your date. Bachelor #32 had nothing to say, so I just began talking about literally anything that came to my mind. The first things that came to my mind were my favorite bizarre TV shows, including My 600 Pound Life and My Strange Obsession- both on TLC. I had asked him if he ever watched those shows, clearly he didn't. I started telling him that My 600 Pound Life follows the weight loss journey of the morbidly obese. His response (in a thick accent) was "I don't feel bad for them, it's not a disease. It's called eating a carrot." Yikes! #Hater


After he said that I immediately regretted ordering that bowl of delicious pasta for my dinner. I don't remember what we talked about after, mostly because I wasn't listening and I was too busy thinking about the hot waiter and guzzling my wine.


After dinner he gave me a kiss on the cheek, but it lingered far too long. Fortunately the valet brought my car in time for me to escape before he could try and get to my mouth. Yuck!


Note to self- avoid Eastern Europeans, especially during this Russian/Ukraine show down going on.

Email of the Night

It's been a while since I've done this segment, I've gotten so many gems but I've hastily deleted them. Here's one from HWCarGuy:


"So... Some jumper cables walk into a bar. Bartender says, 'You better not start anything in here.' "


And.... that's all he wrote. My response to him was "How many times have you tried that joke?" I hope I get a response!


Here's one from a 63 year old who could be my dad.... Santiago6102: "I enjoyed your profile and would like to get to know you."


What in the hell would ever make him think that a 31 year old would EVER respond to an old ass man??? He needs a lesson from Patti Stanger in age appropriate dating!


Here's my favorite from this week. This submission comes from Travelman03, he is 42- again far beyond my desired dating age bracket. His email was very simple and to the point: "Hello beautiful babe." Really??? Talk about being a word smith.

Bachelor #31- My First UFC Fight

Immediately after Bachelor #30 I met Bachelor #31 on OkCupid. I know I had vowed never to try that site again because the majority of guys seemed creepy and perverted, but I figured if I put a disclaimer on my profile explicitly stating I was not interested in a hook up, maybe it would help weed out the creepos and pervies.


So one afternoon I started emailing back and forth with this guy who was born and raised in Venezuela. My sister is always telling me I need to broaden out my dating pool beyond the typical white boys that I date, so I figured I'd go for a South American. After several back and forth emails, he asked me if I was interested in going to a bar to watch a UFC fight. I had never in my wildest dreams thought I'd be into fighting, but after keeping an open mind I found that I actually really enjoyed it. I met up with Bachelor 31 at Buffalo Wild Wings (I know, super classy) and we were lucky enough to score a table to watch the fight. He was decent looking, his accent was a little thick though so I said "huh?" probably 55 times that night. The fight kept my attention though, and he was nice enough. He kept asking me if I wanted to come over the next day and ride his motorcycle. I said no because I think they are death machines.


Overall he wasn't the most boring person I've ever been out with, but I certainly wasn't feeling the flames of passion. I don't think he did either because I never heard from him again. Maybe he was using the word "motorcycle" as a metaphor for his dick and was offended I didn't want to come for a ride. Who knows... I wasn't interested in either to be honest. He was no Ricky Martin.

Bachelor #30- The Man Who Didn't Drink... WTF

The story of Bachelor 30 is a quick one. After the devastation of Bachelor 29 I quickly got back on the dating horse. I re-signed up for Match (I had been off it since before I went to Spain) and sure enough the first guy I meet was a non-drinker. I didn't even think those guys existed in LA but they do. I thought our first date would be boring since I wasn't about to order an alcoholic beverage and look like a lush on a Monday night. We actually had a great time, he made me laugh and was fun to talk to. I never had so much fun sober before on a date.


For a split second I thought there was a possibility I would be able to date a non-drinker. But after date 2 I realized that wasn't going to happen. On our second date we watched a movie at my place, and I was bored silly. Not because we weren't drinking, but because I realized that there are too many fun social events that I enjoy that involve alcohol that I couldn't do with this guy- like wine tasting for instance. I LOVE wine tasting and I want a man who can enjoy it with me.


So after the second date neither one of us bothered to reach out for a third date... and I didn't shed a tear over it.

Bachelor #29 - Savannah, GA

I've been delaying this story because I don't really feel like reliving it, but I owe it to my loyal audience to divulge. In the last post I mentioned I had met Bachelor 28 and then went off to Savannah to spend the Columbus holiday weekend with my girlfriend. I had never been to the South, and I thought we were just going to have a nice, quiet, relaxing weekend laying at the pool, eating delicious southern food, stalking Paula Deen and experiencing one of those famous haunted walking tours... our weekend was the opposite.


I won't go into too much detail, but one night I ended up meeting a guy at a bar. That night I vowed I was going to go to bed early and only have 1 drink because I had been hung over from the previous night (I was at a pirate festival, and I can honestly say I drank like a pirate). The guy I met lived in Savannah, but was originally from Minnesota. For most of the night I was oblivious to the fact that he was flirting with me, maybe I was too hungover or uninterested to notice. I ended up hanging out with him until 7am the next day. Needless to say I thoroughly enjoyed his company but never did I think anything would come of it.


The next day, while my friend and I were looking for our rental car somewhere in downtown Savannah, I ran into this fellow again. He and his friend were at a bar, saw me and ran outside to wave me down. Of course I felt obligated to have a drink with him. We hung out some more, and at this point he was starting to grow on me. So I invited him to come with me on a haunted walking tour that evening, and sure enough he did. It was one of the most fun filled nights I've ever had to be honest. I really liked him at this point, but I lived in LA and he lived there, and I don't do long distance relationships so I didn't bother to think about anything past that night.


The next day I was flying home and he asked me to call him before I took off, then to call him when I landed in Austin for my connecting flight, then call him when I landed in LA. Well after I got home he ended up calling me every day, sometimes multiple times a day. Apparently I had quite an effect on him (naturally) and he asked me to come out for his birthday. Being the spontaneous woman that I am, and also a stupid one, the next month I flew back out to Savannah to see the new Bachelor 29 for his birthday. I won't lie and say I didn't have an amazing time... it was the best weekend I had in a long, long, long time. He was romantic, funny as hell, passionate, took me all over Savannah, introduced me to all of his friends and his uncle, made me dinner. We had so much fun, so many laughs, made lots of great memories. It was almost like a scene out of the Notebook when we went down to this little lake and fed the ducks together. I was really thinking that there was a chance that something serious was blossoming. Boy was I wrong!


After I returned back to LA he continued to call me religiously every single day. We even discussed him coming out to LA to see me, and me coming out to Minnesota since he was planning on moving back there. But right after Christmas the phone calls became less frequent, and eventually they stopped altogether. It was like a knife to the heart. It was really nice having someone consistent to talk to- to talk about my day, have someone to listen to me... so it was really painful when it all stopped without a reason. In the end I came to my senses and realized I was obviously too good for him (I'm older, more mature, I have a successful career, my own place, no debt... I can't say the same for Bachelor 29). I just got swept up in the romanticism of the moment. People always say you meet "the one" when you aren't looking, and I wasn't looking in Savannah, so clearly I thought maybe he would be "the one." But everything people say about finding "the one" when you aren't looking is total bull shit. People also say that men from the Midwest or the South are really sweet... this too is total bull shit. They are all cut from the same stinky, smelly, shitty cloth.