The Pothead Cowboy From Texas

After I swore off online dating I honestly didn't think I would have much of a dating life, let alone anything interesting to write about. But crazy shit continues to happen to me and I find myself with an abundance of content to share. You're welcome.

In October I decided to venture out to Texas with the hope of finding good BBQ, true love, or a hot cowboy. I did find good BBQ 33 miles outside of Austin, in a creepy deserted town called Lockhart- home of the Original Black's BBQ (better than Terry Black's BBQ in Austin). Why Texas? Honestly, I don't know what the fuck made me choose this state out of all 50 states in the U.S of A. Maybe it was my obsession with Fixer Upper, maybe it was my fantasy of sexy cowboys riding around on horses wearing tight jeans, big belt buckles and cowboy hats saying "howdy ma'am" while holding the door for me at the saloon. All I knew was that I had to go to Texas to scope out the men and possibly find a cowboy husband to marry. 

I had no itinerary for this trip, I decided to just wing it- which was unusual for me since I typically plan out all of my solo trips from the time I land to the time I leave. This time, however, I wanted to be spontaneous and let my inner guidance system take charge for a change. This year I got into the law of attraction and manifestation; part of that practice is listening to your gut/inner source/intuition and to not control every little thing in your life. Therefore, all I had planned was that I would go to visit Austin first, and then take the train to San Antonio.

Upon arriving in Austin I quickly realized I had made a grave mistake, and that I had chosen the only part of Texas that had zero cowboys and an overwhelming number of hipsters. If I wanted to be surrounded by hipsters I would have just stayed in Los Feliz/Silver Lake/Echo Park. After my brief moment of disappointment I was determined to make the best of Austin and find some fun. Nothing says fun like standing on the Congress Ave Bridge for hours, waiting for a colony of fucking bats to fly out from underneath it. Afterwards, I had dinner at Austin Taco Project, which had some delish tacos and great margaritas. I sat at the bar and met a very nice man who worked in the film industry, directing/writing horror movies. We had a great conversation about travel, the entertainment industry and life in general. Although he was very nice, and was familiar with my hometown of Burbank, we didn't exchange numbers and we bid each other farewell. That interaction sparked my hope in meeting other nice, quality men in Austin- even if they weren't cowboys.

After dinner I ventured out to "Dirty Sixth," where some people told me to go see just to see and others told me to avoid like the plague. While visiting "Dirty Sixth" two thoughts came to mind: 1) I was about a decade too old for this city and 2) I felt like I was on set for Girls Gone Wild. I managed to find a great bar that had a live country music band that was very good (I got them to sing Luckenbach Texas), so I hung out there and watched all the young college kids get wasted and awkwardly interact with one another.

The next night I hit up the hipster part of Austin- Rainey Street. It was a Sunday night so it was pretty dead, which actually worked out in my favor. I went to The Half Step and made friends with the hot bartender/bar manager, who of course was from California. He was fucking gorgeous and super nice. We talked for hours and he gave me free cocktails- he knew the way to my heart. Sadly we did not exchange numbers, and by the end of the night I had been adopted into a group of friendly hipsters who brought me with them to an amazing late night diner that served the best chicken and waffles I had ever tasted. To this day I wonder if the hipsters hadn't cock blocked me if I would've scored the number of that beautiful, manly, tall bartender.

The rest of my time in Austin was uneventful. I went to see the Longhorn Caverns, I drove to Waco to eat at Magnolia Table and visit the Magnolia Silos because I am obsessed with Fixer Upper, and then I drove back to Austin in a severe thunderstorm where I genuinely thought I was going to die because I couldn't see jack shit in front of my car because the rain in Texas is aggressive AF.

Here's the where the story gets interesting. I was sitting at the Amtrak station in Austin waiting for my train to San Antonio. All I knew about San Antonio was that they have missions and Six Flags Magic Mountain. My train was 3 hours late and I was bored, so I decided to download Tinder to see what the men looked like in the area so I could compare them against the men in LA. I was surprised to see that the men in Austin were just as ugly as the men in LA - on Tinder. I did happened to swipe right on a super attractive firefighter, because I had not learned my lesson from the fake firefighter. He swiped right on me too and started messaging me right away, as I was sitting and waiting for the train. He asked what I was doing, told him where I was going, he said it's too bad I was already leaving, and then I said "why don't you come meet me in San Antonio, it's only an hour away. When will we ever have the chance to meet?"

And he did. He drove down to San Antonio to meet me, and it was magic. I felt like I was meeting an old friend who I hadn't seen in a long time. It's hard to explain, but there are rare times when you meet a stranger that you just have a lot of chemistry with and you can't explain why or how, but you both know it's there. Those are the moments in life that I live for, and that give me hope for the future. We had a great time together, even though San Antonio was a deserted shit hole of a town. I was supposed to stay down there for 3 days, but it was so empty and dead- minus the drunk homeless people along the River Walk. So, my new friend drove me back to Austin and I ended my trip early and headed back to LA. As he was dropping me off at the airport he kissed me goodbye and told me to stay in touch, but I didn't think he really meant it. Why stay in touch with someone who doesn't live in your state that you only met once?

But we did stay in touch, every day for nearly two months. We talked daily and I felt like I had found what I had been looking for. Go figure he was in Texas, but that wasn't going to deter me. We were very in sync, we had a similar sense of humor, and we both had a passion for travel. One night he asked "how much is a ticket to LA" and 3 weeks later he flew out to see me. He was already putting forth more effort than any guy I had dated in my 6 1/2 years of being single.

When I picked him up at LAX it was like a scene straight out of a romantic movie. I was so deliriously happy to see him, and he was happy to see me and that moment was perfect. He stayed at my place and our first night together was incredible. The next morning was equally great, as we drove around town shopping for Christmas trees and eating In N Out (which for him it was his first time). That afternoon he asked if we could stop by a dispensary because he wanted to smoke some weed since it was legal out here, and I knew that he had wanted to do that and I didn't really think much of it. I've smoked before and had a grand ol time with my friends, so it wasn't a big deal to me.

I don't know what the fuck he bought, or what he smoked, but it turned him into a god damn zombie. First of all, he bought enough weed to get my entire apartment complex high. He bought joints, vape pens, weed gummies - you name it and he had it. Like, did he think he was Snoop Dogg? He only had one more day before he was flying back to Texas, and it's not like he'd be able to take that shit with him on the plane. Maybe he was planning on shoving it all up his ass and smuggling it back to Houston. He smoked something that rendered him boring AF. He sat on my couch for hours, ignoring me and watching old episodes of The Office. Not even funny episodes. I started to get visibly annoyed, which I had every right to be. Who the fuck flies out to LA for the first time ever to just get high and sit around? I said to him "I wish you were as into me as you are that weed."

After the beautiful dinner I made, he smoked something else and then proclaimed "we should just be friends." Ouch. I asked him "Why did you even come out here? What was the point?" He said "The same reason you wanted me to come out here." I asked "Then what happened? Things were great last night (before he got high as a kite)." He couldn't even articulate a fucking answer. He just asked "What do you want me to do?" So I said "Well I guess you should go."

So, the stoner cowboy collected his things, called an Uber, and disappeared into the night. He had nowhere to go. Maybe he found some shit hole motel to hang out at so he could smoke his weed, maybe the Uber driver kidnapped him and stole his weed. I will never know. My only real hope is that he had to get a random drug test when he got home (because he worked for a paramedic company in Houston).

I will never know if it was the weed that made him act that way, or if it was how he actually felt- that we should just be friends. My gut is telling me he sobered up the next day, realized what an asshole he was, and was probably too ashamed to reach out to me to apologize. It doesn't really matter though, because I learned from this that I refuse to date anyone who would rather be high and watch TV than spend quality time with me. Fuck that shit.

On the bright side, he left his weed gummies and I had the best sleep of my life.

The Fake Fireman - The Story to Top ALL STORIES

Hello friends. It's been a while since I have written as I swore off online dating a few months ago. Please note I swore off ONLINE dating, not all DATING... which I am about to swear off as well because men are fucking awful (I will explain why in another post).

I figured since I was having such shit luck meeting decent men via online dating (sites and apps) that it just must be that only shitty guys use these apps, and that if I meet men the old fashioned way (like through people I know or just randomly in person) then I will meet better quality men. I was really fucking wrong. Big time.

Through the last 6 1/2 years of being single I have had many outrageous stories, which I have all written about in this blog for your entertainment. This story I am about to share literally tops every fucking crazy story I have ever had in my entire life. I didn't think it was possible to do, but I have succeeded.

Picture it, June 24 12:40am in Downtown LA at 7th and Olive. My friend and I were Downtown having dinner and doing a little bar hopping and people watching. We leave the bar to head home, I call a Lyft, and it happens to park across the street behind a firetruck. I immediately notice the firetruck and get excited because I have always been turned on by men in uniform (firemen, cops, military guys, you name it). I see the truck and literally say "oooh firemen." We cross the street, and some spirit from another realm must have possessed my body because the following is too crazy even for me. I'm strutting across the street, a fireman is walking out of the 7-Eleven that had called the fire department, I lock eyes with the guy, I blurt out "Oh I need help" he says "What do you need?" my friend says "She needs a man!" and then he tells me to take his number, but I was so stunned I hand him my cellphone, he puts his number in my phone, and then gets into the firetruck.

My friend and I were dying and we were like "WTF just happened!?" This entire exchange happened in like 15 seconds tops. We head home, I'm freaking out because I just got a phone number of a fireman which was on my list of uniformed men I need to date (I had already gone out with a cop and every branch of the military, so fireman was the last on the list). I text him so he has my number, he asks if I have a boyfriend, I say no, then he asks me on a date.

The evening of our date he tells me to come Downtown and he'll give me a tour of the station he works at (Station 9 by the way, and FUCK THOSE GUYS- you'll understand why shortly). So we go to this pizza place, eat some food, then walk to the station and he must have told the guys we were coming because as we approach the station all the firemen were standing outside waiting for us, and I was dying inside because I couldn't flirt with any of them because I was on a date. They all shook my hand and introduced themselves to me, and I just kept thinking to myself try not to flirt, behave. But it was really like something out of my fantasy. So the guys get a call and get in the truck and leave, and my date gives me a full tour of the station (I even saw the ginormous boxes of Frosted Flakes they had in their pantry). We go to a nearby bar and he tells me all about how he got into firefighting, and how long he's been doing it, and how he loves it, and how when he was younger everyone told him he wouldn't be able to be a firefighter because he had epilepsy. That was red flag #1. How the fuck can you have epilepsy and be a fireman? That makes no sense, but what the fuck do I know? He explained that he just can't drive the firetruck, and therefore he made significantly less money than the other firemen- red flag #2, he had no fucking money which didn't make sense to me. I decide to disregard these 2 red flags and just focus on the fact that he worked really hard to pursue a passion that he really loved, that helps other people.

The crazy began to show after that date, because immediately he was in love with me (who wouldn't be though, can't blame him- jk). I just figured he had been single a long time and was just overly enthusiastic to meet such an amazing woman. I told him to keep his feelings in check, slow the fuck down, and that I want to get to know him but he needs to not share every fucking emotion or thought that came to his head (he was ridiculous). We dated for 3 weeks, and most of the time he acted normal, but sometimes I got weird vibes- but I kept telling myself "the fire department screens these guys, and they must be evaluated, so he can't be crazy." That was my rationalization.

Here's where shit went downhill really fast. He invited me to opening day at Del Mar, where they race horses. He said it was a firefighter outing and he wanted me to be his date. I said ok, but are the other guys bringing dates? Because as much as I would love to be around hot firemen, if they aren't bringing dates that'll be weird. He told me anyone could bring anyone. I said fine I'll go. I drove us down there and the first weird thing was that all the firemen coordinated to take the train down from LA, and I was thinking why didn't he go with them? The second weird thing was that they all coordinated their outfits, and all had Hawaiian shirts on, and again I thought "hmmm weird why does it seem like he isn't a part of their thing?" Again, all the firemen introduce themselves to me, some of them I had already met at the station, and nothing seemed out of the ordinary in terms of how they treated the guy I was with. Here's where it started getting awful. The guy I was with kept asking the other firemen to buy him a beer anytime they went to the bar, because he had no fucking money. I was thinking "why doesn't this broke ass have a credit card?" The guys kept buying him beer throughout the day and he just got drunk. I told him before the firemen met us down there that I didn't want him getting drunk because he called me drunk one time (red flag #4) and was crazy AF on the phone and I yelled at him and told him never to do that again. He said he wouldn't. Red flag #5 he got drunk down at Del Mar. The drunker this fucker got the more annoying he got, and the less he made sense. Like he started referring to me as his wife, and I yelled at him and said I am not your fucking wife stop telling people that. He also got territorial if another man asked me to take a photo for him and his friends. He also kept repeating himself over and over, but said stupid shit like "are you my girlfriend?" and asked that literally 10 times in a row and I nearly punched him.

The firemen all left after the 8th race, and didn't really say a formal goodbye, which I thought was odd because these guys were "his family" according to him. By the 10th race I was ready to murder my date and so I said let's go I just want to get back to LA and get away from you. He starts calling me a bitch, and I told him he was an obnoxious drunken asshole. He wouldn't shut the fuck up the entire 2 hour drive back to LA, and kept saying "just pull over and leave me here, I can find my way back I'm a fireman." I was so close to doing just that. I wanted to push him out of my car on the freeway, that is how annoying he was. The entire drive he kept asking if I was still his girlfriend, if I would still go to a concert with him.... like he was a fucking child. I said, when we get to my place you need to go because I don't want to be around you.

We get to my place, I said you need to go, he says "I can't, can I sleep on the couch?" I said no way, I want you gone, I don't want to be around you. He refused to leave. I said "why can't you leave?" He just stared at me, dumbfounded. I said "is it because you're wasted?" and he said yes. I said "well why don't you call one of the firemen, they'll come get you." He said he couldn't, I asked why. He said "because they aren't really my friends." I was like "WTF does that even mean???" I didn't care to get into it, so I said there's a cafe down the street, go get some coffee and sober up then leave. He said he couldn't because he didn't have any money. I throw $10 at him and said get the fuck out of here. He wouldn't take my money and got mad at me and still wouldn't budge. So then I threatened to call the cops. That did it. He walks out my door, he had a pair of shoes left inside my place, I put them in a bag, hand them to him and then he fucking throws them at me. PSYCHO. So I slam the door on him.
At this point I am freaked the fuck out. I call my friends, meanwhile he's calling and calling my phone. He leaves a message telling me to go screw myself, like he's 13 years old. Next day he texts me telling me I was a one hit wonder in his life and that I was out of his league- that was a fucking understatement. I figured the entire ordeal was over and that was that. If he tried anything I'd call the station he worked at and get his ass in trouble.

THAT WASN'T EVEN THE CRAZY PART OF THE STORY.....

A month later I go home, and there's a business card in my door from an investigator from the LA Fire Department, Professional Standards Division. On the card was written "CALL ME." I thought, what fuckery is this???? At first I didn't think the card was real because it looked cheap and janky AF, like someone printed that shit at home from their cheap ass printer. I emailed the guy and told him I didn't think it was real, he finally sends me a copy of his ID/badge and so I call him. He told me that the guy I was with at Del Mar told him I was there that day, I was like yes why? He said that the guy I was with is accusing the firemen of assaulting him down at Del Mar. I was like "WTF????? NO FUCKING WAY" There was no way that happened, and I know this because I was there. So automatically I'm like omg what a psycho. Then he tells me "I have to tell you, he wasn't a fireman, he is a groupie" I was like "WTF ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT????? I met this man on a fucking call with the fire department, at 1am and he was dressed up in the firefighter gear. He gave me a tour of the station, I met the firemen there, nobody said shit to me. How is he not a fireman??" I have fucking photos of this guy IN FIREFIGHTER ATTIRE. He talked nonstop about all the crazy shit he's seen and done as a fireman. Like I didn't understand how that was even fucking feasible. He told me the fire department adopted him "like a puppy" and he just hangs around the stations and goes on non-emergency calls. I said "he is impersonating a fucking fireman and I'm fairly sure that is fucking illegal." The topper was that the investigator told me "this man is mentally unstable and if you see him call 911." Gee thanks.

So not only did I have to go and give a statement disputing this nut job's claim that he was assaulted by REAL firemen, I then filed a complaint against the fire station for allowing a mentally unstable man impersonate an official and for not fucking telling me HE WAS NOT A FIREMAN!!! I mean for fuck sake, were they trying to be the ultimate wingmen for this crazy guy??? I felt so disgusted, and lied to, and creeped out. Aside from that, I felt stupid and embarrassed- like it was a joke to them to watch this beautiful, successful woman hang around with this crazy loser. And in hind sight, if this is someone I need to call 911 about if he comes near me, then I feel like I could've been in danger (after all he did get aggressive toward me the last time I saw him when he was drunk).

You are supposed to be able to trust these men in uniform. It was very unethical of them to withhold information like that from me. I met the fucking captain of that station, he should've at least pulled me aside and gave me a heads up about him. I WOULD HAVE RAN AWAY THAT MOMENT. I will pursue this complaint to the furthest extent possible and I will make damn sure this never happens to anyone else and that crazy assholes are not being allowed to hang around fire departments or any emergency service, pretending to be an official. That is some fucked up shit.

Last week that nut job came around to my apartment, trying to get buzzed in because he wanted to "talk to me" (or murder me, who knows). So I called the police on him and his photo is posted at the front gate of my building so everyone knows not to let this nut job come in and to call the police if he shows his creepy face.

So yeah.... I am done dating.

My Official Retirement From Online Dating

For nearly six years I have immersed myself in the world of online dating, in the hopes of meeting a great guy and getting my happily ever after, as cheesy as it sounds. I started with excitement, enthusiasm and optimism. I made a shit ton of bad decisions, mistakes, and went out with really good looking guys who were stupid or lame or didn't have much to offer. I was having fun with the process and was addicted to the endless supply of men and the endless possibilities. Sadly, many years later, I am no longer having any fun, so I know it is time to "retire" from online dating, permanently.

I started writing about my experiences so that perhaps other women wouldn't feel so bad about their difficulty navigating the dating world and wouldn't feel so alone. Dating, when all of your friends are married or in serious long term relationships, is a lonely experience because they can't relate to you. They ask about your dating life, expecting to hear fun, sexy, adventurous stories- and maybe some of you have them. I've had a few, I'll admit. But for the most part, it's an unpleasant, painful, disappointing and disheartening experience- and your friends can't relate to you because they aren't in the battlefield any more and they most likely found their person before Tinder was invented.

Dating isn't dating anymore; dating now is swiping, texting, hooking up, being non-committal and flaky, ghosting... I could go on but you get the point. There is no more courtship or investment, there is no more getting to know someone on a deeper level, there is no more alignment on values or dreams for the future. God forbid you should ask your date if they want to get married or have kids in the future! That's just way too much pressure....

The disintegration of dating and of common courtesy when it comes to these matters is, in my opinion, due to the creation of online dating; primarily these swiping apps. Dating was still pretty fun when Match.com was first created, because people on that site were serious and it wasn't all about hooking up with someone instantaneously. You took the time to get to know someone before you met in person, because back then online dating was taboo and there was a real risk that the person you were about to meet could be a serial killer. Now we have shitty apps like Tinder, Bumble and Hinge where you just care about matching with as many people as possible and don't ever bother to establish contact with them. It's all just an ego boost.

I've taken breaks from online dating throughout the last six years, but I always went back to it because of that fear of "what if." What if I try one more time, maybe it'll be different. What if I am more discerning about who I swipe right on? There's always that fear of "if I don't try it'll never happen." Reality check, I tried. I fucking tried harder than any single woman I know and it STILL didn't happen.

I was afraid for a long time that if I didn't do online dating and didn't put myself out there that I was going to end up a sad, single spinster. I've realized though, that my life as a single woman is way more fun than when I am dating any of these jerks. I've traveled the world, I have a ton of hobbies, I have a great career, wonderful friends, an amazing family and a beautiful nephew that fills my heart with more love than any man could give me. My life is full, and if I eventually meet a guy who meets my standards and can contribute meaningfully to my awesome life, then great. If that doesn't happen I honestly don't care anymore, because I create the life I want. I want a family of my own and I will have it, with or without that husband I dreamed of.

For those of you who still want to stick it out and give online dating a chance, I say good luck to you. Just don't do it because you're afraid of ending up alone, that's never a good reason to do anything. And don't lower your standard for someone who will never be able to meet yours.

Good luck and God speed!

xoxo

My Final Tinder Nightmare

After so many years of dating I know better than to use Tinder. It's like going to the dump and expecting to find hidden treasure. I have gone out with my last two Tinder matches, which have led me to the path of retiring from online dating altogether. 

One guy I went out is your typical man-child, who is still in the process of getting his life together to become an actual adult but is actually afraid of growing up and adulting. He's the guy who hits you up with those late night "WYD" (what are you doing) texts at 2am or asks you to hang out super last minute or late at night. Guys like him aren't even fun. I went out with the first time only because he caught me on an evening where I didn't already have plans and I figured "what the hell." He was nice enough, but there wasn't anything interesting about him at all. He doesn't have a career, in fact I am not sure what the fuck he does (he is finishing college at least, but c'mon that should've happened a decade ago). He hasn't traveled. He hasn't done shit with his life, as far as I can tell. He seems like the kind of guy who just wants to party, and stay up late with buddies and play beer pong and take shots. That was fun maybe like 12 years ago, certainly not now. And I will never, under any circumstances, reply to a "WYD" text at 2am, except for the next morning when I ask "why the fuck do you text me in the middle of the night asking me what I'm doing- I'm fucking sleeping." If a man wants to date me, he needs to ask me in advance and plan what we are doing. None of this last minute bullshit is acceptable to me. 

The very last guy I have met on Tinder, and will ever meet on any dating platform whatsoever so help me God, is the reason why I am quitting online dating. He went from super sweet nice guy, to blackout drunk, obnoxious, aggressive asshole in the course of 1 date. Crazy right?? Long story short, we had lunch and saw a movie, both activities were great and I liked his company very much. Later that night I made the mistake of going to this bar with him because he wanted to see his friend and asked me to come. My gut told me "DON'T GO" but I went anyway. It was bad news from the start. He didn't have his fucking wallet, no ID, no card, no money and I had to pay for cover charge. I should've said "fuck this" and walked away. I went in and I go get myself a drink but felt obligated to get him one too. He drank whiskey, I had beer. Apparently whiskey fucks this guy up, and after a few whiskeys and beers THAT I BOUGHT he became the most obnoxious guy I had ever seen, right before my eyes. It was like Bruce Banner changing into The Hulk. His friends were super lame, they were trying to get with these nasty girls who looked like total trash, and the guy I was with was just a big fucking obnoxious jerk- and doesn't remember any of it. Girls at this club, skanky looking girls, were asking ME if I was ok because they saw I was with this guy and saw how obnoxious he was. Apparently he was blackout drunk and didn't remember anything that happened, and I had to tell him what an asshole he was to me. I am grateful I was exposed to this side of him so quickly because it helped me avoid wasting any time on him, and saved me from dating a guy who gets aggressive when blackout drunk. I was not about to become a battered girlfriend and I was not about to get back on to Tinder or any other shitty dating app to find a new asshole to date. 

Interview With a Cheater

You know I've talked about OKCupid in the past, if you haven't done so yet please read my analysis on all of the dating apps/sites out there, because I legit have tried them all and this will help you navigate the dating landscape.

So I recently matched with this good looking guy (wasn't even HIS pics I found out) on OKC and he messaged me first and was asking about me and seemed like a nice person. I knew something shady was up with him because my intuition is on point, and because OKC is a cesspool of nastiness, but I just went along with it because I like to see how things play out.

I am going to just copy/paste the conversation totally unedited:

Him: “Good morning! How was your weekend?”

Me: “It was good, Sunday I skipped the Super Bowl and went to my friend’s house and hung at her pool”

Him: “That sounds even better than watching the game! I need to be honest with you, you seem beyond cool, so I don’t want to waste your time. I’m married :\ “

Me: “You’re married? Then why are you on here? Gotta ask out of curiosity. I like to pick a guy’s brain.”

Him: "Married way too young. That version of me doesn't exist anymore. If that makes any sense. Ask away."

Side note- what the fuck does that even mean???? Married too young is the fucking excuse literally every man who cheats says. I know this for a fact because that is literally the line I have heard from other cheating guys before. So fuck that bull shit.I digress...

Me: "So what's the purpose of being on here? You like the attention?"

Him: "It's definitely not about the attention (yeaaaaaah right). I'm not a kid (yeaaaaaah right). I'm beyond that. I like the mental stimulation (yeaaaaah right). And of course physically."

Me: "So you just want to have affairs? Why not get a divorce then?"

Him: "Not multiple. I'm very picky and don't have time. The divorce question is complicated" (heard that shit before). 

Me: "Do you think this site is best for finding affairs? Or do you use other apps? Like Tinder or Bumble?"

Him: "I've never used Tinder or Bumble, so I wouldn't know. You should do some on the field research with me! lol"

Me: "I am writing a book actually about dating, and I've been on every site and app in existence and I've had crazy experiences. So this fascinates me."

Him: "You know, I would love to have a conversation on dating, from the male's perspective. I think I could provide you with great insight, seriously."

Me: "I'll take a hard pass on the field research, I'm not looking to be someone's side chick. Not to mention I have more integrity than that."

Him: "I would give you the blunt honest truth"

Me: "But your version is skewed because you're not a single man."

Him: "The side chick part was a joke (yeaaaah right). But I'm serious about the conversation."

Me: "How long have you been married?"

Him: "I don't think you quite understand how the male mind works."

Me: "I probably don't. It's baffling honestly."

Him: "It's not as simple as saying, he's just a dog. I know most men are like me. Women just refuse to accept it. I bet 80% of men cheat."

Me: "No I am of the thinking that most men are in fact like you. I've been cheated on so I know. And I've gone out with lots of guys who seem shady probably because they're hiding something. I'm not naive."

Him: "What I always tell people, don't go on free dating apps looking for something serious. Those are mostly guys looking to hook up. The serious relationship types are on the paid apps."

Me: "I've used the paid ones. The guys seem shady there too. Or just plain gross."

Him: "Those ask for credit card info, that by itself removes those who can't give out that info. Yes, you'll still get shady, but much less."

Me: " Aren't you worried your wife will find out you're on here? Or do you have an agreement or something?"

Him: "She has no idea. I use a texting app. I delete both when I'm home. I'm not the guy in the pics, that's a friend. But I'm very attractive and well off, so the women I've met don't care. I never meet anyone unless we have chemistry. So once they see me, they still find me attractive, with the interaction chemistry, they don't care."

Me: "Got it, wow this is all fascinating." 

Him: "By the way, there's a ton of women on here doing the same. But I'm sure it's much more men."

Me: "I'm sure there are."

Him: "These apps are really difficult if you're looking for something serious. I would say this technology has advanced cheating."

Me: "I agree."

Him: "If you're smart and careful. Almost impossible to get caught. There's no trace on my phone bills and I don't use my real name. I'm super honest before we meet, and once they see me, they're ok with it." 

Me: "So when you say you got married too young, and you like mental stimulation- does that mean you're bored? Like is your wife boring? Or did you like get married at 20 and you've been married like 10 years already so that's why you're bored? I've never been married so I don't know what it's like to be with someone long enough to get bored."

Him: "Men take much longer to mature, develop into themselves. When I got married, I was a stupid/naive person. I didn't know any better. I lover her, she was intelligent, very attractive, etc. But I didn't realize with time, I would develop into a different person. I now know exactly what I like, what stimulates me. Her likes, personality, sexuality isn't compatible with mine. I strongly believe in choosing a partner based on compatibility and the 4 personality types: amiable, analytical, driver and expressive. Compatibility: level of open minded, conversations, sexuality, likes, humor, etc."

End interview. I then asked him if he has any single friends who would be interested in asking my questions because now I am dying to pick their brains too. 

Moral of the story- online dating is full of shady ass nasty mother fuckers- so buyers beware. 

A PSA on Dick Pics

This PSA is more for the fellas, the fellas who like showing off their wangs to women who don't ask to see them. Why am I bringing this up? Because I recently received 2 unsolicited dick pics from a Colombian guy I had matched with on OKC. He and I just started to text, he mentioned that once you go Colombian you don't go back. I asked why, he said do you really want to know? I said enlighten me... and then he sent 2 giant dick pics. Another time I got an unsolicited dick pic from a guy I had been dating. Like dude, I saw your dick in person, I don't need a fucking picture of it.

Now fellas, despite what you might like to think, women (or most women I should say) don't find dicks attractive. When we go see those sexy strippers at Thunder Down Under in Vegas, those guys are basically naked minus their dicks. Why? Because we don't really want to see that shit swinging around. Those sexy man calendars that I love to buy... they feature men with sexy abs and arms... not their schlongs.

So please fellas, for the love of all that's holy, keep your dick a mystery unless a woman straight up asks to see it. If you send me a dick pic you better believe I am sharing that shit with ALL my girlfriends for a laugh, not because it's hot.

Catching a Catfish- Tips to Figure Out He's Fake AF

I am 35 years old, single AF, and I am the mother fucking QUEEN of catching a catfish. No, I'm not talking about fishing, I'm talking about catfishing like the MTV show- which I have literally watched every fucking episode of and is the only reason why I can spot a catfish from a mile away. THANK YOU MTV!!!!

Those of you who are lucky enough to be in a relationship and/or have avoided the bull shit that is known as online dating probably don't know what the fuck I'm talking about. According to Urban Dictionary, a catfish is someone who pretends to be someone they're not by using FB, Insta, or other social media to create false identities, particularly to pursue deceptive online romances. Sounds crazy right?

Now, usually the victims of catfishing are teenagers or young adults (in their early 20s) who met their fake ass online BAE on social media because kids are glued to their phones and shit and probably don't socialize anymore in real- sadly like many adults (myself EXCLUDED because I am a fucking social butterfly). So these kids meet someone when they're young online, they fall in love cuz they're stupid, they text/email back and forth with this online person for years, proclaim their love and dreams of marriage, and then they eventually get all suspicious or annoyed because their BAE won't Facetime them or meet in person- even after YEARS of talking. Hell, sometimes the person they love won't ever call them on the phone and they literally only text. That's when they call up MTV and enlist the help of the hosts of Catfish, Nev Schulman and Max Joseph. So then Nev and Max fly out to help this poor young person, and they do their detective work to help prove that the person that they're in a "relationship" with is using fake photos (usually stolen from poor unsuspecting schmo's social media account) and isn't who they say they are. 99% of the time they prove that someone is lying about who they say they are and it's amazing to watch the train wreck happen. Why the fuck would anyone fall in love with someone they NEVER MET or haven't even Facetimed with? It's fucking 2018!! Everyone, LITERALLY EVERYONE, has a smart phone- even my 74 year aunt! Fucking 3 year olds have iPhones. And in the rare event you don't have a smart phone, your friends sure as hell do. So there is no excuse whatsoever to not Facetime or Skype or whatever.

Ok I am digressing because I am super passionate about this show. MTV puts out a lot of shitty shows, but Catfish is literally the best and if you're single you need to watch it because you will learn some very valuable tips that you can apply to online dating because there are TONS of shady ass people online and you need to protect yourself and avoid wasting time on someone who is not real. I seriously have caught at least 5 catfishers in the last 2 years because of the crazy skills I learned from Catfish. So I'm going to share with you the signs of a catfisher and what to look out for and how to research.

Clue #1 - Their profile has like zero information about themselves and maybe 1 or 2 pictures. This is the most obvious giveaway 99% of the time. They are either fake or they are cheating on their woman. It's rare that a dude is real, especially on Tinder or Bumble, if they have no info about their location, job, age, etc. Granted I did recently go on a date with a guy who had only 1 pic on Tinder, but I just got lucky that he was real.

Clue #2 & 3 - They tell you they are in the military and give you a weird story- like their parents are dead and they are an only child. Now I have gone out with at least 4 or 5 guys who were just of the military or still active, so I'm not saying that if a dude says he's in the military he's fake. What you have to look out for is his STORY. For example, I once started talking with a guy from OKC who said he was in the military but was deployed in mother fucking Africa. If a dude is telling you his ass is deployed and he's away in some far off land, that's a big fucking red flag because it just makes it super convenient for him to never be able to call you, Facetime, or meet up or be available at normal hours to text. And if his ass is deployed and he's off fighting ISIS in some crazy ass country, I don't think his ass will be on OKC hitting up women.

Second part of this is not just the location, it's other details that make it convenient for him to not have a personal story to share with you, or people to substantiate who he is. For example, I once matched with this dude on Bumble who told me he was in the Army and was deployed (even though according to the location on Bumble it said he was 11 miles away- dead giveaway that his ass isn't deployed). He told me this random story about how he was an only child and his parents were dead. So with that story it makes YOU feel awkward so that you don't push him to talk about his alleged dead family.

Clue # 4 - They keep saying they want to meet you, they even keep asking when you're free, yet they never pull the trigger, even if you live within 2 miles of each other. Even a dude looking to cheat will meet up with you, but a dude who is fugly and using a hot guy's photos on Tinder obviously won't meet you in person because his cover will be blown.

Clue # 5 - They won't Facetime with you. Again big red flag here. Pretty simple. It takes a minute to Facetime and prove you are the person in the photo. If you aren't the person in the picture then obviously you won't wanna Facetime.

Clue # 6 - Look them up on Facebook and Instagram, if they don't exist on either social media platform they are probably fake. Most of the dating apps today have you sign in and link to your Facebook account, and many also have you link to Instagram to help weed out the fake people. If you can't find someone from Tinder or Bumble on Facebook odds are they are fake. And if you find them on Insta look at their followers. Are their followers mostly hot women? Big clue they they're fake and just playing a shit ton of women because they probably have a small dick and low self esteem. And if you do find their Facebook profile, also check out the # of friends they have. If they have like 3 friends it is probably a fake account.

Clue # 7 & 8 - When they start messaging you they get intense AF really fast. Maybe it doesn't necessarily mean someone is fake, but it for sure means you're dealing with a crazy ass psycho. I recently matched with this other guy on Tinder and we were messaging on Tinder one night and he got intense really fast. Like saying crazy shit that he wants me to be his queen in his palace and that he wants me to make him laugh always and that he wants to get married. He went from introducing himself to me to professing his love basically in like 5 minutes. Which leads me to clue 8 - they don't speak like a regular bro from America. Ok I understand that people come from other countries and maybe English isn't their first language, but if a dude says his ass was born and raised in Texas and he's in the Army and he's American then he will text and say shit like a normal American guy. I wish I had saved the texts because it's hard to explain this one, just trust me on this. He did NOT speak like English was his first language because his sentences were all jacked up and he didn't say shit regular American guys say.

Clue # 9 & 10 -  Another red flag is when a guy wants you to text him on a messaging app like kik. This shit has alarm bells ringing for me big time. I've had at least 3 guys ask me to use kik who were fake. If you match with a guy, and he allegedly lives nearby then why the fuck message on kik and not text like a regular fucking person with iMessage? That's just hella suspicious. Another big sign is  not only when a guy says intense shit right away like in clue #10, but he also gets really angry easily especially if you're asking him to prove he is who he says he is. The thing with kik is that it is easy to fake who you are. kik has a "camera" function so you can send live photos to the person you're messaging, same as iMessage. So when you send a "live" pic from the camera in kik right below the picture you send it says "camera." So you would assume the photo was taken live, like right then, right? Nope. Because there is a way to send a picture and make it appear like it was taken from the camera when it wasn't. Trust me, I Googled this shit and I found tons of videos and articles on how to do it. So if you're texting a guy and you're not sure he is real even though he is sending you "live photos" the best thing you can do is ask him to take a picture of him holding a piece of paper with your name and today's date. If he is legit he will do it because he has nothing to hide. The thing is, every guy who I have asked to do this is fake and gets all pissed off because you're clearly calling them out on their bull shit. Do yourself a favor and just immediately jump ship if a dude asks you to text on kik. You'll thank me.

Clue # 11- Stolen profile pics are super easy to find, especially if someone steals them from an unsecure FB profile. Just Google image search the pictures on their Tinder/Bumble account. Again, watch Catfish to see how they do this. Another useful skill I picked up from this brilliant show.

So I've given you 11 things to be aware of that can help you spot a catfish. I am a legit detective at this point because I have had so many guys try and catfish me. I am 35 years old, why the fuck do I have to still deal with this bull shit? Read my story about the Bumble guy who tried to catfish me. It's pretty interesting.

Well I hope this was helpful. Next time I'll tell you about the Colombian from OKC who sent me 2 unsolicited dick pics, which I of course shared with my friends :)

Match.com Speed Dating Debacle

Tonight I was supposed to go speed dating- more like speed the fuck outta here.

It's been a few days since I've heard from the Cuban, so I decided to move on and go on this speed dating event that I signed up for a few weeks ago.

Now I've tried speed dating twice in my life- both were fruitless events. The first time I was in my early 20s and I dragged my best friend with me. I had romanticized the entire event in my mind before it even happened. In my mind I was supposed to meet several dashing, handsome, eligible bachelors and they would be fighting for my affection.

The reality was everyone was old AF or severely unattractive, so I decided to get liquored up and didn't take it very seriously. Fortunately I was seated next to my friend so after each guy left my table I would ask her if she remembered anything about him because we had to fill out these dumb response cards. I was definitely too young to participate in something like this.

My second experience with speed dating was when I was 30 and I was newly single. A work friend asked if I would go with her and of course I said yes even though I knew it would be lame. It was at BLT I think, we were all in the front bar. I walked in and immediately scoped out the situation and assessed the men. Once again the men were not my type. Everyone seemed either way too young or too old. There was one good looking guy there who worked at KIIS FM- so I knew he was a douche. Once again it was a fruitless effort.

So then why the fuck would I bother to give it a third try?? Because I am a fucking optimist! I thought that perhaps because it was hosted by Match.com that perhaps it would be a significantly better source of men- it said for people between 30-40 which is perfect because I am 35. So, ever the optimist, I got dressed up, did my hair and makeup- I looked fucking good! The "event" was at this gastro-pub type bar in Hollywood. So I never thought that it would be as lame as it was. 

Here's exactly how it went down- I walk into the bar and it's kind of old and dumpy looking- definitely not a modern gastro-pub by my standards. I looked all around and there was zero sign of any speed dating event whatsoever. I walked back outside and thought to myself "What the fuck?" I went back in and parked it at the bar and ordered a glass of wine. As I'm standing there I observe many awkward people walking in, and looking equally confused. First- an older Indian man wearing a suit. He clearly would not regularly go to a shitty bar like this so it's obvious he's there for the speed dating. So I think to myself "Oh fuck." Next a couple of older Asian women who didn't seem to speak English walked in- they too looked confused. So I knew they were there for the same thing. 

I knew what I was about to walk into. I waited a bit in hopes of seeing some confused good looking men. So at 7 pm I walk to the back of the bar where everyone else went. I walk into this ghetto back room, look at the older Indian man, the Asian women, an older Filipino woman, a middle aged potentially French man (based on his accent) and a skinny, nerdy, white younger looking guy. There is nothing about this situation that says "Fun Match.com Speed Dating Event." Everyone looked despondent and equally uncomfortable. So I walk in and scan the room and think "What the fuck?" I said "Is this the event?" with a clearly disappointed tone. 

The Frenchy guy said they were waiting for the host. A hot waiter walked in the room and said "We didn't know you were all going to be here- let us set up and get you some appetizers. Do you want me to move the tables together?" I think to myself "You've got to be fucking kidding me!" The Filipino woman and the Indian man were engaged in conversation. The two older Asian women were huddled together in a booth. The Frenchy and the scrawny white guy were sitting together at a table. At that moment I just thought "I don't want to be here." So I stood up and announced "This is really awkward- I'm going to the bar." 

I left the room and sat at the front bar and downed my glass of wine and called a Lyft. I was at the speed dating event for all of 5 minutes. It cost $39- so that's $7.80 per minute- definitely not worth it! So I went home, changed, and now I am writing this from a bar near my apartment. I'm worried because I signed up for a Match.com Mixology class next Friday. I am hoping at least the bartender is cute. 

El Cubano- Bachelor # ?

I met El Cubano on Match.com. Apparently I had liked one of his photos and he sent me a message.

I kept asking him questions and he'd respond but he wouldn't ask anything about me. So finally I asked him one last question and then said "is there anything you want to know about me?" To which he replied with "You can ask me anything." To which I replied "I just did."
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So he finally he got the hint and he started asking me questions. So we messaged back and forth until I said "I don't want to risk becoming pen pals on here, here's my number" a text me and called me a few times and asked me on a date for a Sunday.

The date was incredible. He was handsome, a great conversationalist, handsome, sweet and confident. Everything I was looking for. After dinner we walked around and talked for hours. It was a great night, and he was a great kisser. He even asked me out for another date in person.

We were supposed to go out on a Thursday night. That day he had said how excited he was to see me. I was equally excited to see him. Two hours before our date he text me to say he was throwing up and wouldn't be able to go out but he would make it up to me. He even asked if he could call me and I said of course. Did he ever call? Nope. The next day he apologized and said he fell asleep early because he wasn't feeling well. Of course I excused him. By Saturday he asked me out for Monday. Monday rolls around and again he tells me he's excited to see me. As I was walking out of work he texts me to say that his son's mom wouldn't be getting out of work until 9pm and that he wouldn't be able to make our date (again). He said he was sorry. Sorry my ass.

So I said to him that I understood that things came up but it felt a bit frequent.If this was a bad time for him to date then I would like to know. The next day he replied with "Hi I hope your day is going well. Sorry for the late reply. The situations did come up, I didn't make them occur. I'd like to get to know you as well. We can talk about it on the phone. I'm afraid that intent and tone will be lost through text. So I said "I understand. We can talk later. Enjoy the rest of your day!"

That evening, he said at 7:44 pm "Hi how's it going? Are you busy?" I was at dinner with my friend and at 8:30 I replied "Hi I'm leaving dinner with my friend and I have to drop her off. I'll be home around 9."

I did not hear a fucking thing from him. I waited a full day until I reached out again to him. I said "Hi. I just wanted to say hello and hope you're having a good week." But he didn't say a fucking thing to me. I assume the black hole of dating sucked him up, that or his baby mama murdered him in his sleep.