Another year is coming to an end and I find myself single yet again. After dating someone for the last 8 months, he wanted to just be friends. How the fuck does that even work? Yeah you saw me naked, no big deal though let's just be buddies now. I often wonder what the fuck is going through a guy's brain that would make him think that I would be remotely ok with this situation.
As I find myself still single with each passing year, and as I get closer and closer to the big 4-0, I relate more and more to Bridget Jones. I take solace in knowing; however, that eventually she does get her happy ending (even though it took fucking forever for it to happen). And yes, I am aware that she is a fictional character, but I am sure there is someone like her out in the world that shared the same struggles with finding a life partner. Oh wait.... that would be me! Maybe I just need to fall into some mud and then I will meet my Patrick Dempsey? (watch Bridget Jones' Baby if you haven't done so yet, it's hilarious).
My back up plan was to find an marry John Stamos, because he is a Greek God that ages like a fine wine. I was heartbroken to learn that he got engaged and is going to be a dad. I never got a chance to woo him! Have mercy. So now that my backup plan is ruined I am left with no choice other than to navigate the treacherous seas of online dating YET AGAIN. 2017 was my year of saying "fuck off" to people and situations that weren't good for me, and for building and reinforcing boundaries. That said, I will use this new attitude and skill set to my advantage as I engage with potential suitors and weirdos on the interweb.
I already encountered one disgusting pig on OKC (Ok Cupid for you non-single folks). And yes, in my previous post when I reviewed all of the dating sites I did say that there were a lot of pervs and sexual deviants on OKC, but I am ever the optimist and I like to keep all avenues open to meet my future husband. So get this- this guy messages me and asked how dating was going so far, to which I responded with "do you want a real answer or a fake standard response?" So I began to explain my thoughts and feelings on the subject, and then he sent me his number because he wanted to talk. Well fine, no harm in that since I can always block a number. So this guy calls me and starts telling me how he doesn't sleep around because he doesn't want STDs, and honest to God I don't know why he decided to share this information with me because I didn't ask, and then he starts telling me that he will "tease the shit out of you from a distance just not go and sleep around." In other words, he wants naked pics. I really was left speechless because who the fuck just starts talking about this to someone you don't even know??? Also, if a dude SAYS he doesn't sleep around, then he is 100% full of shit. He then asked me if I ever sent pics, and I was like FUCK NO, which apparently that was not the answer he was looking for. Needless to say I will not be talking to this dirty birdie again and I hope I don't get any unsolicited dick pics, but if I do I'll be sure to share! (jk)
I also decided to get back on Match.com, even though I haven't had any luck with that site since 2006 (oh God that's depressing). I have decided to find myself an adult man in his late 30s- early 40s, who specifically mention qualities and values that align with what I am looking for. I have sent over 30 emails already, and what emails do I get in return??? Emails from OLD AF grandpas and old Pakistani or Indian guys looking for an American wife, I fucking kid you not!
I got an email from this Pakistani or Indian man (sorry I can't decipher the difference I'm not trying to be racist) and this is what he wrote:
"Skin complexion or skin color, or shade of skin is most definitely a perfect match for me! I have lived in USA for more than 40 years. Four decades! 35 years (at least) we lived in NYC, Queens!
Many years looking for a beautiful American wife!!
I would have accepted a very smart, athletic, intelligent, well employed, beautiful, wealthy, good figured and American Educated (College, University, and Graduate School) Indian American Girl, or Woman when I was younger!
Still looking for that special woman, arms still wide open!
Make your just five minutes to hours, days, weeks, months, years away!
I will keep looking, listening, waiting, anticipating, praying, watching out for you to help out also!"
Aside from that note, here is an email I received from a 63 year old (who is lying because my dad is 69 and doesn't look fucking old like this man who is clearly near 80) hillbilly Santa Claus lookalike from Florida:
"Hi we both like walking with that special someone holding hands talking having fun getting to know each other maybe someday become Best Friends. We both like Movies & Music. I like open doors for the Lady in my life sent flowers"
This was the problem I had with Match.com the last dozen times. The attractive, seemingly educated, gainfully employed men who are in my age range don't fucking respond to emails (let alone send emails) and I only get emails from OLD AF grandpas or foreign men looking for American wives. It's really, really, really depressing. I want to have a word with that fucking guy in that Match.com commercial who stops women on the street and asks them if they've tried Match. I would be like "Fuck yeah I tried Match for the last decade of my life and it fucking sucks! Where are the attractive, gainfully employed, age appropriate men that you advertise????" Then I would choke him....
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Friday, December 22, 2017
Wednesday, December 20, 2017
The Chilean
The night I realized that the Man-Child was ghosting me, I had a girls night out with one of my dear married friends, who is also a mother to a beautiful little girl. Needless to say, she doesn't get out much anymore so we decided to have a wild time. While at a speakeasy, eating grilled cheese and downing Old Fashions, we talked about the Man-Child. As usual, she got to listen to my bitching about men, dating and how shitty it all is. After our first stop we ended up at a hole-in-the-wall dive bar, which happened to be hosting its final night before closing.
The bar was full of old people and a mediocre band, so we continued our drink fest. I had lost track of how many Old Fashions I had at this point. I decided to go out to the patio to see if I could find younger people to talk to (aka on the hunt for men). I happened upon a group of guys, and I decided to join their conversation since alcohol makes me brave. I told them about the movie I was working on at that time because I was really excited about it. The rest of the evening is a bit fuzzy as I was now fairly drunk, but a cute Chilean guy approached me and we began to talk. I noticed his Latin accent and called it out, telling him that he sounded like Maluma (a hot Colombian singer I am currently in love with). I vaguely recall asking him his age, because he looked young to me. My hunch was correct, he was 28 and I was 34. I was afraid of the 6 year age difference, because men are typically immature even in their 30s. In hindsight I should've listened to my gut, because odds are men in their late 20s are nowhere near the same life stage as a woman in her mid-30s. However, I was feeling very free and open to whatever so I continued to talk to him since I was enjoying myself.
After the bar closed we wandered over to IHOP with our friends. He sat there, quiet, drinking coffee, while the rest of us (still intoxicated) chowed down on breakfast. After our meal he gave me his phone to input my number- and I wrote my name as Morgan La Reina- because I am the queen (and my apartment's name has La Reina in the name). We became Facebook friends immediately, which I don't remember doing. I honestly never thought I would see him again, let alone hear from him. But I did. He text me and asked "when are you going to date me" and that won me over (although I didn't immediately go out with him because I was busy and made sure he knew that). It was honest, it was forward, and it was hot. I liked that he was pursuing me, because men, at least American men, don't do that anymore.
Our date was one of the greatest dates I had been on in an incredibly long time. He made me laugh, he was interesting, he was sexy (I love Latin men), and he acknowledged that I was funny as well. I have gone out with well over 100 men over the last 6 years, and nobody ever made me really laugh. And nobody ever appreciates or acknowledges my sense of humor. But he did, and that's what made him different.
We dated for about 5 months before it ran its course, and I have to say I enjoyed his company more than any other guy that I have dated thus far in my near 6 years of singlehood, which made it all the more painful when it ended. In the beginning we hung out a lot, and it was fun, and easy, and I didn't have to chase or ask for attention or do anything. I felt like I was with a really great friend, that I was also very attracted to.
Things soon started to change, I could feel it. It was right before his mother came to visit for an entire month. I had planned a fun day trip to go kayaking up in Big Bear. After that day I rarely saw the Chilean. I attributed this to his mother's visit since she had come all the way from Chile and would be staying a month. I had decided to not think too much about the fact that we weren't going out as much and I was determined to be understanding about it. However, even after his mother left things never went back to the way they first were. Immediately after she left, he went to see a movie with his roommate- despite me mentioning multiple times that I had wanted us to go to the movies. I had invited him over for dinner the next night because I truly missed his company. He accepted the invitation yet the next day he had suddenly remembered that he had a comedy show to go to. I wouldn't have minded so much if he had been the one to suggest another night to get together- I had to practically drag a date out of him since he doesn't like to plan for anything in advance- a quality that drives me insane. I was hurt because for a month all I wanted was to spend time with him, and I just felt like those feelings weren't mutual and that is what hurt the most. I wasn't a priority and I knew it.
Despite knowing in my gut that things weren't right, I tried to force it. Forcing it only made me resentful and unhappy. I was resentful that I kept asking him to go out with me and it wasn't being reciprocated. I was resentful because I didn't feel wanted. I kept keeping score, and I knew that I was giving far more than I was receiving. That seems to be the story of my life though. When the guy you've been dating suddenly becomes wishy washy when it comes to making plans it's time to just walk away. I don't know why it's so hard for me to do that. Instead of walking away I just let resentment grow toward this person whose company I enjoyed more than anything.
Inevitably we broke up- or rather I dumped him. I didn't want to, but I knew I had to. The final straw was when he broke plans with me and my friends to go to Six Flags Fright Fest even though he knew about it weeks in advance- yet he conveniently forgotten that he had a work session planned. What I hated most was that he never bothered to remember our plans or ever put anything in a calendar to stay organized. He cancelled on me the day of and all he could say was "I really fucked this one up, sorry," so I broke up with him via text, letting him know that I didn't accept his apology, that he didn't respect me or our plans, that he didn't even bother to make plans, and that I was 35 and knew what I wanted. I want to get married, and I want children, and I want to be with someone who is an active participate in our relationship. I told him I deserved better, and that he didn't have the maturity for a serious relationship, let alone to date. I went to Six Flags that night and had the best time with my friends and didn't think of him once.
The Chilean wanted to talk in person, and usually after I break up with someone I block them from all forms of communication; however, I decided to hear him out. The day we talked was one of the most painful days of my life. We were walking around outside, and he was asking about my family- I knew he was stalling and I just flat out asked him why the fuck he cared how my family was and what did he want? It turned out that he wanted to apologize to me in person for how he treated me. When someone you want to hate ends up apologizing, it's very hard to continue hating them. The hate dissipates into hurt and heartache. That's the best word for how I felt- heartbroken. He had admitted to pulling away- which I called him out on because I am no novice when it comes to dating men who pull away. He said he needed space to think about us and where things were going. He said that we were on two different paths; I have my life in order and I know what I want while he has no clue what he's doing or where he's going and is incapable of planning in advance.
What hurt the most was that he wanted to remain friends, because dating for six months wasn't nothing. But I explained (or shouted rather) that I didn't need any more fucking friends and I couldn't be friends because I had feelings for him. I also informed him that friendship is a two way street, and that both friends need to participate in seeing and speaking with one another- which he didn't seem to be capable of. While talking to him I cried more than I ever have in a very long time. That's because I had real feelings for him. Despite my crying he somehow managed to make me laugh, I don't know how he does it. He held me while I was crying, and I could feel myself caving in. I couldn't kick him out of my life, as much as it hurt. After our talk I agreed to remain friends, but I would need time to heal. After he left I continued crying all night long.
The very next day the Chilean text me to inform me that he had been laid off, and even though I was still hurting I was able to offer up some words of encouragement that were genuine, not forced. Inside of me I still deeply cared for him but had no expectations of reconciliation. A month passed by and I reached out to him late one night in my luxurious hotel room at the Trump International, after I ran away from my family in Las Vegas. I vented to him my frustrations with my family and their fighting, and out of the blue he told me that he did miss me too sometimes and that he wasn't a robot. We then reminisced about our good times together, which then made me miss him more and I was beginning to regret breaking up with him.
Long story short, we rekindled our romance on Thanksgiving, against my better judgement, but we both genuinely missed each other. What I accept responsibility for is knowing how it was going to end again and letting it happen anyway. He was young, and still had so much growing up to do, and I was placing expectations on him that I knew he would never meet.
We broke up a second time shortly after Thanksgiving, but this time was permanent. I admit I was pretty harsh with him the second time around, mostly because my feelings were very hurt and I had felt used this time around. But I want to thank him for the fun he infused into my life. For so long dating wasn't fun anymore, and he made it fun. He made me laugh more than any other guy and he made me realize that that is a quality I absolutely need in the next man I date. I hope he finds the adventure he's looking for in his life and I wish him the best.
The bar was full of old people and a mediocre band, so we continued our drink fest. I had lost track of how many Old Fashions I had at this point. I decided to go out to the patio to see if I could find younger people to talk to (aka on the hunt for men). I happened upon a group of guys, and I decided to join their conversation since alcohol makes me brave. I told them about the movie I was working on at that time because I was really excited about it. The rest of the evening is a bit fuzzy as I was now fairly drunk, but a cute Chilean guy approached me and we began to talk. I noticed his Latin accent and called it out, telling him that he sounded like Maluma (a hot Colombian singer I am currently in love with). I vaguely recall asking him his age, because he looked young to me. My hunch was correct, he was 28 and I was 34. I was afraid of the 6 year age difference, because men are typically immature even in their 30s. In hindsight I should've listened to my gut, because odds are men in their late 20s are nowhere near the same life stage as a woman in her mid-30s. However, I was feeling very free and open to whatever so I continued to talk to him since I was enjoying myself.
After the bar closed we wandered over to IHOP with our friends. He sat there, quiet, drinking coffee, while the rest of us (still intoxicated) chowed down on breakfast. After our meal he gave me his phone to input my number- and I wrote my name as Morgan La Reina- because I am the queen (and my apartment's name has La Reina in the name). We became Facebook friends immediately, which I don't remember doing. I honestly never thought I would see him again, let alone hear from him. But I did. He text me and asked "when are you going to date me" and that won me over (although I didn't immediately go out with him because I was busy and made sure he knew that). It was honest, it was forward, and it was hot. I liked that he was pursuing me, because men, at least American men, don't do that anymore.
Our date was one of the greatest dates I had been on in an incredibly long time. He made me laugh, he was interesting, he was sexy (I love Latin men), and he acknowledged that I was funny as well. I have gone out with well over 100 men over the last 6 years, and nobody ever made me really laugh. And nobody ever appreciates or acknowledges my sense of humor. But he did, and that's what made him different.
We dated for about 5 months before it ran its course, and I have to say I enjoyed his company more than any other guy that I have dated thus far in my near 6 years of singlehood, which made it all the more painful when it ended. In the beginning we hung out a lot, and it was fun, and easy, and I didn't have to chase or ask for attention or do anything. I felt like I was with a really great friend, that I was also very attracted to.
Things soon started to change, I could feel it. It was right before his mother came to visit for an entire month. I had planned a fun day trip to go kayaking up in Big Bear. After that day I rarely saw the Chilean. I attributed this to his mother's visit since she had come all the way from Chile and would be staying a month. I had decided to not think too much about the fact that we weren't going out as much and I was determined to be understanding about it. However, even after his mother left things never went back to the way they first were. Immediately after she left, he went to see a movie with his roommate- despite me mentioning multiple times that I had wanted us to go to the movies. I had invited him over for dinner the next night because I truly missed his company. He accepted the invitation yet the next day he had suddenly remembered that he had a comedy show to go to. I wouldn't have minded so much if he had been the one to suggest another night to get together- I had to practically drag a date out of him since he doesn't like to plan for anything in advance- a quality that drives me insane. I was hurt because for a month all I wanted was to spend time with him, and I just felt like those feelings weren't mutual and that is what hurt the most. I wasn't a priority and I knew it.
Despite knowing in my gut that things weren't right, I tried to force it. Forcing it only made me resentful and unhappy. I was resentful that I kept asking him to go out with me and it wasn't being reciprocated. I was resentful because I didn't feel wanted. I kept keeping score, and I knew that I was giving far more than I was receiving. That seems to be the story of my life though. When the guy you've been dating suddenly becomes wishy washy when it comes to making plans it's time to just walk away. I don't know why it's so hard for me to do that. Instead of walking away I just let resentment grow toward this person whose company I enjoyed more than anything.
Inevitably we broke up- or rather I dumped him. I didn't want to, but I knew I had to. The final straw was when he broke plans with me and my friends to go to Six Flags Fright Fest even though he knew about it weeks in advance- yet he conveniently forgotten that he had a work session planned. What I hated most was that he never bothered to remember our plans or ever put anything in a calendar to stay organized. He cancelled on me the day of and all he could say was "I really fucked this one up, sorry," so I broke up with him via text, letting him know that I didn't accept his apology, that he didn't respect me or our plans, that he didn't even bother to make plans, and that I was 35 and knew what I wanted. I want to get married, and I want children, and I want to be with someone who is an active participate in our relationship. I told him I deserved better, and that he didn't have the maturity for a serious relationship, let alone to date. I went to Six Flags that night and had the best time with my friends and didn't think of him once.
The Chilean wanted to talk in person, and usually after I break up with someone I block them from all forms of communication; however, I decided to hear him out. The day we talked was one of the most painful days of my life. We were walking around outside, and he was asking about my family- I knew he was stalling and I just flat out asked him why the fuck he cared how my family was and what did he want? It turned out that he wanted to apologize to me in person for how he treated me. When someone you want to hate ends up apologizing, it's very hard to continue hating them. The hate dissipates into hurt and heartache. That's the best word for how I felt- heartbroken. He had admitted to pulling away- which I called him out on because I am no novice when it comes to dating men who pull away. He said he needed space to think about us and where things were going. He said that we were on two different paths; I have my life in order and I know what I want while he has no clue what he's doing or where he's going and is incapable of planning in advance.
What hurt the most was that he wanted to remain friends, because dating for six months wasn't nothing. But I explained (or shouted rather) that I didn't need any more fucking friends and I couldn't be friends because I had feelings for him. I also informed him that friendship is a two way street, and that both friends need to participate in seeing and speaking with one another- which he didn't seem to be capable of. While talking to him I cried more than I ever have in a very long time. That's because I had real feelings for him. Despite my crying he somehow managed to make me laugh, I don't know how he does it. He held me while I was crying, and I could feel myself caving in. I couldn't kick him out of my life, as much as it hurt. After our talk I agreed to remain friends, but I would need time to heal. After he left I continued crying all night long.
The very next day the Chilean text me to inform me that he had been laid off, and even though I was still hurting I was able to offer up some words of encouragement that were genuine, not forced. Inside of me I still deeply cared for him but had no expectations of reconciliation. A month passed by and I reached out to him late one night in my luxurious hotel room at the Trump International, after I ran away from my family in Las Vegas. I vented to him my frustrations with my family and their fighting, and out of the blue he told me that he did miss me too sometimes and that he wasn't a robot. We then reminisced about our good times together, which then made me miss him more and I was beginning to regret breaking up with him.
Long story short, we rekindled our romance on Thanksgiving, against my better judgement, but we both genuinely missed each other. What I accept responsibility for is knowing how it was going to end again and letting it happen anyway. He was young, and still had so much growing up to do, and I was placing expectations on him that I knew he would never meet.
We broke up a second time shortly after Thanksgiving, but this time was permanent. I admit I was pretty harsh with him the second time around, mostly because my feelings were very hurt and I had felt used this time around. But I want to thank him for the fun he infused into my life. For so long dating wasn't fun anymore, and he made it fun. He made me laugh more than any other guy and he made me realize that that is a quality I absolutely need in the next man I date. I hope he finds the adventure he's looking for in his life and I wish him the best.
Tuesday, December 19, 2017
Dating Post-Matchmaker: The Nightmare Continues
After I was 3 bachelors deep into the matchmaking process, I decided to reactivate my dating apps in an effort to out-match the matchmakers, as they were doing a tremendously shitty job of setting me up with guys I liked or found even remotely attractive.
I decided to venture into the world of Bumble once again, despite my recent catfish experience and despite the fact that I had just dumped a schmuck that I had met on there just a few month prior. I always go back with the attitude of "it will be different this time," although time after time it never is. I suppose that is the definition of insanity, doing the same thing over and over expecting a different result. I must be insane- but I like to think of myself as hopelessly optimistic.
I met a Bachelor who will be referred to as the Man-Child. Another suitable name would be Faucet because his nose dripped like one. He was 37 years old, worked in the Army Reserves, but also worked for a random social sports company- for which he ran a kickball league. His favorite past time included wearing an animal onesie and going to Carney's with his friends. I can't make this shit up. This grown ass man, who was in the Army, liked to run around in an animal onesie. Aside from that, I could tell he was a man-child because he lived with 2 other grown men in what looked like a disgusting, unkempt, college frat house- where beer pong and other drinking games must have been played night after night. You can tell a lot about a person based on their living conditions.
Man-Child and I went on a few dates for a solid month. We talked about serious topics, including our desire to have families one day and pursue serious relationships. This is what always lures me in- the prospect of meeting someone like myself who shares the same desire of sharing their life with someone. I suppose I should know by this point that this is a trap- yet I fall for it every time.
One weekend the Man-Child had to leave for his Army weekend, and right after he returned the process of ghosting began. He stopped texting, he became flaky, cancelled plans due to alleged illnesses; however, he would reschedule only to cancel again. I was all too familiar with this game, so I called him out on it one day after I had made up my mind that he was garbage. I said that if he didn't want to date then he could've been man enough to say so, that grown men don't ghost women, and that he was in fact a Man-Child. You would think that a man who is near 40 would stop with the bullshit, but I guess that is too much to hope for.
Tuesday, March 7, 2017
When All Else Fails, Hire a Matchmaker?
I went into 2017 with a renewed sense of hope for my romantic life, and a hashtag - #getmorganmarried2017. Why was I feeling so optimistic after years of negativity? Because I hired a professional matchmaker to take over the reigns of my dating life. I figured I sure as hell am not having any luck dating decent men; might as well let someone else take over. The guys that I get set up with surely MUST be better than the ones I find online right??? Especially since I'm spending *gasp* $5,000. Yes ladies- I forked over $5,000 in an effort to meet a decent man. That's like a fucking vacation! That is how serious I am about getting my single AF ass married to a good man (or at the very least INTRODUCED to a good man).
How did this all go down? Well, one day I was out to lunch with my co-workers, and we were talking about how shitty dating is and my one co-worker casually mentioned she had a friend who was a matchmaker. First of all, why wasn't this information disclosed sooner?! Everyone in my office knows everything about my dating life (I keep no secrets) so I couldn't believe I hadn't known this sooner. So I pretty much begged her to introduce us and so she did. A few months later I made an appointment to go meet with the matchmaker in their Beverly Hills office. This all went down right before Christmas. I figured that if they were in Beverly Hills then they HAD to have some wealthy bachelors in their database right?? And no, I'm not a gold digger. But it would be nice to date a guy who has an adult job/career and isn't a fucking "actor" or Uber driver or waiter. PLUS- for $5,000 I want the cream of the crop! There's no shame in aiming high!
I met with the matchmaker and immediately thought a) wow she is spunky and has a lot of energy, b) she seems to genuinely love what she does so that was comforting, and c) are there cameras in this office and am I going to end up on some secret dating show? We talked about how shitty dating was in LA (basically agreeing to the fact that LA is the Baghdad of dating) and that all men in LA were afflicted with "Peter Pan Syndrome," a term I have used many times before. This is when grown ass men still like to think and act like they're in their 20s and just want to fuck around and not be serious with anyone. This syndrome seems to be lasting into a man's late 30s to early 40s.
She walked me through the different packages and how many coaching sessions and bachelors you get at each package level. I tried to act like the prices didn't scare the fuck out of me, but the entire time I was thinking a) can I set up a GoFundMe for this? b) can I still sell my eggs? c) what the fuck is my credit card limit?? I took a leap of faith, whipped out my Mastercard (holding my breath because I wasn't sure it would go through) and committed to the $5,000 - 5 Bachelor package. Surely I would find a suitable mate if I have the choice of 5 bachelors right??
After I left the office I drove home and immediately called my mother. I can't begin to explain how excited she was that I finally decided to do this. She said now she knows I'm serious about getting married... you know... because after going out with 100+ guys over the last 5 years that wasn't serious enough. Even my dad was happy. He sent me a congratulatory email at work expressing how excited he and my mother were for my quest to find love. No pressure.
Before I got to go on my dates I had to do 3 coaching sessions. The first was with a body language expert who basically clued me in to signs and displays of affection/attraction from members of the opposite sex. All good information- although I have to say I have yet to try the "flirtation triangle" on a man. The second coaching session involved a professional stylist coming to my apartment, going through my closet, picking out clothes appropriate for a first date (which includes skirts or dresses that are at least knee length like a Mormon and pointed high heels because they make your legs look longer), telling me to buy Spanx, and asking if I would consider a spray tan or getting my brows professionally waxed. First of all, my brows are amazing. They are nicely groomed and even the girl at Blushington recently asked me if I had just gotten my brows done because they looked so nice. So fuck you lady! Secondly, spray tans look horrible on pale people. I don't need to look like Donald Trump on my dates. The last coaching session was a phone call with the matchmaker, telling me how to be hard to get, how to meet men in real life by asking them random fucking questions while in line at Starbucks, and reminding me not to sleep with a guy until he is my boyfriend. I will share this brilliant knowledge with all of my fellow single ladies.
So after these rigorous training sessions I was finally date ready. My first date was set up just days before the birth of my beautiful nephew. I was so excited and nervous to meet Bachelor #1. I was just praying that he wasn't old, ugly, fat, socially awkward or creepy. We met up at a bar and to my relief he was a regular looking dude and was very nice. We had a great conversation, he was really nice and time flew by. I even thought he was kind of cute. We went on a second date and when I got into his car I thought "whoa you don't look like the same guy I went out with the first time- I don't think you're cute at all." Yes ladies, I suffered from date blindness. Date blindness is when you go out with someone and you're so nervous that you don't really clearly see or analyze your date's face. And when you leave your date you can't quite clearly remember what they looked like. So then when you do see them again you're either like "oh yeah cool" or "oh god yikes." The entire night I was thinking "please don't try and kiss me." I just wasn't feeling it, which was really disappointing because he truly was a nice guy and an adult. So I give the matchmakers credit for Bachelor #1. When he dropped me off at home I gave him a quickie hug, said thanks and dashed out of the car like it was on fire. We haven't been in touch since. My sister says I'm superficial and that attraction doesn't just happen, it eventually grows on you. I say bull shit. I think attraction from the get-go is important and it isn't unreasonable to want that. Yes, you can become more attracted to someone as you get to know them. But if you don't find them even remotely attractive then how do you work with that?
Bachelor #2 was a douche lord. I mean he was an asshole from the deepest realm of Hell. The afternoon before our date he was texting me (which is against the matchmaker rules- you're not allowed to contact each other prior to the date unless it is night of and you're running late). His text was rude AF. He wrote "Hey Morgan it's SATAN (ok not really), we're supposed to go on a date tomorrow, ring a bell?" Who fucking says that? I hated him immediately. In fact, I hated him as soon as I read his Bachelor Bio (which is a short email of basic generic information such as job/hobbies that the matchmaker gives you the day before the date). His bio was basic AF. He sounded like a typical LA douche that you could find on Tinder. It basically said he liked to work out, the end. Wow you like hiking too? How special. So after he sent that rude first text I tried to be polite and said yes I'm looking forward to meeting you. He then tried to get me to talk to him on the phone, but I was at work and I was busy, plus he was making me feel awkward. So then the next day was date day. Mind you, my sister had just given birth and I really just wanted to stay at the hospital with her and my nephew. But I went and got my hair and makeup done to prepare for this magical evening. 30 minutes before the date, while I was in a Lyft to Beverly Hills, he text me again asking if I was headed over to the bar. I said yes. He said he was running late. I said ok. He then insisted again on talking before the date because "he needed to get a sense of someone before he goes out with them." I said fine. So he called and it was the most awkward and rude phone call I've ever received. I asked him how his day was and he said it was great but about to get "iffy." OH HELL NAW! Yeah iffy because he was about to go on a blind date. So he proceeded to admit that the matchmakers twisted his arm into signing up and recruited him at an event, and that all of a sudden he got an email saying we were going out, and that he doesn't go out with people he hasn't seen. I am just paraphrasing our phone call, but let me assure you that he was the rudest mother fucker on the entire planet. I said that if he felt like his arm was being twisted then I didn't want to twist it anymore and that we should just forget about going out. He never even had any intention of going out. So after I hung up I had to tell the Lyft driver to turn around and take me home and I was crying in the car. After I went to McDonalds and brought food to the hospital and hung out with my sister and nephew and reenacted my horrible experience. I of course wrote a super angry email to the matchmakers and they gave me a new Bachelor #2. It is really hard to remain positive and excited for this matchmaking process. Like how did I get matched with such a douchey guy?? I seriously question their vetting process. Also- I found him on Facebook and all I can say is that he is UGLY AF. He looks like the kind of guy who thinks he is hot shit, when he is just a pile of shit. Gross. I seriously dodged a major bullet and I'm so glad I didn't waste a date on him.
New Bachelor #2 seemed gay. I am not even joking, that was my first impression when I met him. This isn't the first time I've gotten the gay vibe from a guy on a first date. I also thought that he seemed incredibly young and way too preppy. We had nothing in common aside for the fact that we both watched The Crown and Downton Abbey. He was nice enough, but we had NOTHING in common. He was into golf and tennis, and I just didn't feel like I could be myself. Even my Lyft driver thought he was gay when she picked me up. So then I emailed the matchmakers yet again and reminded them that I want a MASCULINE man and someone OLDER, like 36-40. They said they will take that into consideration for Bachelor #3. At that point I was expecting to be set up with either a grizzly bear or the Brawny Man.
Bachelor #3 was the most boring, middle aged white man I could've possibly been set up with. He was in his 40s and had the social skills of a tree stump. As soon as I saw him I was immediately disappointed because he wasn't attractive and he looked super awkward (as most middle ages white men do). We sat down at this cute little wine bar and it was just crickets... he then proceeded to interview me, as if he were going to hire me for some boring ass job. He asked me the most basic questions such as "do you like dogs?" He told me about a trip that he took with his parents, and that right there said enough about him. He was a "professor" at Santa Monica Community College, and you'd think that if he taught he would have some grasp of the English language in addition to the fundamental speech skills one would need in such a profession. Throughout this hour long date, I downed a glass of wine and he sipped on his beer- taking a sip after every word he said. We ordered 1 appetizer which took light-years to get. The waitress saw that I was suffering and, bless her soul, came up to me and poured me the rest of the bottle of wine on the house. She said she felt bad the food was taking so long, but us ladies know when another woman is on a shitty date and wants to get the fuck out of there. So the wine was her gift to me. After we got our 1 appetizer we left and as he was paying the bill I was summoning my Lyft to rescue me. I couldn't have ran out of the bar fast enough! I told the matchmaker they striked out again, and that I wanted a man that had not only a GOOD personality (or any personality at all- not one of a tree stump) but a grasp on social skills as well. And when I say good personality, I mean someone who has a sense of humor, isn't shy AF and can talk about a variety of topics as opposed to interviewing me and asking me boring shit.
I thought surely Bachelor #4 was going to be better. I had even told them to take their time selecting my bachelors because I felt like they were rushing to just set me up with any random man they could scrounge up. Bachelor #4 was the date from my worst nightmare. They basically set me up with Mr. Rogers, like from Mr. Rogers' Neighborhood circa 1980. Swear to god, this dude was old and wore a fucking old man cardigan and dad chinos. We were at a really cool wine bar, and this grandpa just sat there drinking water all night. I kid you not, when we sat down we probably sat in silence for at least 5 minutes. I wanted the earth to just swallow me whole. And right next to our table was a table full of fun guys, including Chris O'Dowd from Bridesmaids!! I wanted to join them so badly. We ordered 1 appetizer which again took 500 light-years to arrive. Same situation happened, where I drank my glass of wine and the waitress hooked me up with the rest of the bottle on the house. Grandpa Rogers and I talked about Disney World because he was from Orlando and I didn't know what the fuck else to talk about aside my love of Disney. I was pretty livid after this date, because it was like the matchmakers were doing the exact opposite of what I wanted and set me up with guys I would never want to date in a million years! I knew after Bachelor #4 that this was a total scam.
I didn't even want to go out with Bachelor #5, but the matchmaker swore he was better than the others. I was doubtful, and my expectations were so low at this point that a monkey in a tuxedo would've been a great date for me. I will say that Bachelor #5 at least could make conversation and wasn't the ugliest guy I've ever gone out with, but he was too fancy for me. What do I mean by fancy? Well, this dude was into ballet and opera and shit like that. Snooze.... At least he liked wine and knew about wine (he was a former sommelier) and drank wine. And I wasn't bored to tears on this date, which was a plus. But it was obvious we were not a match made in heaven and we both knew that neither one of us were that into each other (I know this because I never heard from him).
I was really disappointed that I had gone through all 5 bachelors, and everyone sucked in their own way. From looks, to lack of personality, to the possibility of being homosexual, the matchmaking experience had been an utter nightmare. They wanted to set me up on a date with Bonus Bachelor #6 but I refused because I just couldn't put myself through one more god awful date. I asked them why in the hell they picked these guys for me, and they said that they chose them based on the qualities I said I was looking for. I said, I understand and appreciate that; however, I want a man I am remotely attracted to and who also has a personality that would complement mine. These guys sounded good on paper but that was absolutely it. At the end of the day I learned a very expensive lesson- guys who sound great on paper can still be boring, awkward, unattractive and lame and I would rather live the rest of my life single than settle for that.
How did this all go down? Well, one day I was out to lunch with my co-workers, and we were talking about how shitty dating is and my one co-worker casually mentioned she had a friend who was a matchmaker. First of all, why wasn't this information disclosed sooner?! Everyone in my office knows everything about my dating life (I keep no secrets) so I couldn't believe I hadn't known this sooner. So I pretty much begged her to introduce us and so she did. A few months later I made an appointment to go meet with the matchmaker in their Beverly Hills office. This all went down right before Christmas. I figured that if they were in Beverly Hills then they HAD to have some wealthy bachelors in their database right?? And no, I'm not a gold digger. But it would be nice to date a guy who has an adult job/career and isn't a fucking "actor" or Uber driver or waiter. PLUS- for $5,000 I want the cream of the crop! There's no shame in aiming high!
I met with the matchmaker and immediately thought a) wow she is spunky and has a lot of energy, b) she seems to genuinely love what she does so that was comforting, and c) are there cameras in this office and am I going to end up on some secret dating show? We talked about how shitty dating was in LA (basically agreeing to the fact that LA is the Baghdad of dating) and that all men in LA were afflicted with "Peter Pan Syndrome," a term I have used many times before. This is when grown ass men still like to think and act like they're in their 20s and just want to fuck around and not be serious with anyone. This syndrome seems to be lasting into a man's late 30s to early 40s.
She walked me through the different packages and how many coaching sessions and bachelors you get at each package level. I tried to act like the prices didn't scare the fuck out of me, but the entire time I was thinking a) can I set up a GoFundMe for this? b) can I still sell my eggs? c) what the fuck is my credit card limit?? I took a leap of faith, whipped out my Mastercard (holding my breath because I wasn't sure it would go through) and committed to the $5,000 - 5 Bachelor package. Surely I would find a suitable mate if I have the choice of 5 bachelors right??
After I left the office I drove home and immediately called my mother. I can't begin to explain how excited she was that I finally decided to do this. She said now she knows I'm serious about getting married... you know... because after going out with 100+ guys over the last 5 years that wasn't serious enough. Even my dad was happy. He sent me a congratulatory email at work expressing how excited he and my mother were for my quest to find love. No pressure.
Before I got to go on my dates I had to do 3 coaching sessions. The first was with a body language expert who basically clued me in to signs and displays of affection/attraction from members of the opposite sex. All good information- although I have to say I have yet to try the "flirtation triangle" on a man. The second coaching session involved a professional stylist coming to my apartment, going through my closet, picking out clothes appropriate for a first date (which includes skirts or dresses that are at least knee length like a Mormon and pointed high heels because they make your legs look longer), telling me to buy Spanx, and asking if I would consider a spray tan or getting my brows professionally waxed. First of all, my brows are amazing. They are nicely groomed and even the girl at Blushington recently asked me if I had just gotten my brows done because they looked so nice. So fuck you lady! Secondly, spray tans look horrible on pale people. I don't need to look like Donald Trump on my dates. The last coaching session was a phone call with the matchmaker, telling me how to be hard to get, how to meet men in real life by asking them random fucking questions while in line at Starbucks, and reminding me not to sleep with a guy until he is my boyfriend. I will share this brilliant knowledge with all of my fellow single ladies.
So after these rigorous training sessions I was finally date ready. My first date was set up just days before the birth of my beautiful nephew. I was so excited and nervous to meet Bachelor #1. I was just praying that he wasn't old, ugly, fat, socially awkward or creepy. We met up at a bar and to my relief he was a regular looking dude and was very nice. We had a great conversation, he was really nice and time flew by. I even thought he was kind of cute. We went on a second date and when I got into his car I thought "whoa you don't look like the same guy I went out with the first time- I don't think you're cute at all." Yes ladies, I suffered from date blindness. Date blindness is when you go out with someone and you're so nervous that you don't really clearly see or analyze your date's face. And when you leave your date you can't quite clearly remember what they looked like. So then when you do see them again you're either like "oh yeah cool" or "oh god yikes." The entire night I was thinking "please don't try and kiss me." I just wasn't feeling it, which was really disappointing because he truly was a nice guy and an adult. So I give the matchmakers credit for Bachelor #1. When he dropped me off at home I gave him a quickie hug, said thanks and dashed out of the car like it was on fire. We haven't been in touch since. My sister says I'm superficial and that attraction doesn't just happen, it eventually grows on you. I say bull shit. I think attraction from the get-go is important and it isn't unreasonable to want that. Yes, you can become more attracted to someone as you get to know them. But if you don't find them even remotely attractive then how do you work with that?
Bachelor #2 was a douche lord. I mean he was an asshole from the deepest realm of Hell. The afternoon before our date he was texting me (which is against the matchmaker rules- you're not allowed to contact each other prior to the date unless it is night of and you're running late). His text was rude AF. He wrote "Hey Morgan it's SATAN (ok not really), we're supposed to go on a date tomorrow, ring a bell?" Who fucking says that? I hated him immediately. In fact, I hated him as soon as I read his Bachelor Bio (which is a short email of basic generic information such as job/hobbies that the matchmaker gives you the day before the date). His bio was basic AF. He sounded like a typical LA douche that you could find on Tinder. It basically said he liked to work out, the end. Wow you like hiking too? How special. So after he sent that rude first text I tried to be polite and said yes I'm looking forward to meeting you. He then tried to get me to talk to him on the phone, but I was at work and I was busy, plus he was making me feel awkward. So then the next day was date day. Mind you, my sister had just given birth and I really just wanted to stay at the hospital with her and my nephew. But I went and got my hair and makeup done to prepare for this magical evening. 30 minutes before the date, while I was in a Lyft to Beverly Hills, he text me again asking if I was headed over to the bar. I said yes. He said he was running late. I said ok. He then insisted again on talking before the date because "he needed to get a sense of someone before he goes out with them." I said fine. So he called and it was the most awkward and rude phone call I've ever received. I asked him how his day was and he said it was great but about to get "iffy." OH HELL NAW! Yeah iffy because he was about to go on a blind date. So he proceeded to admit that the matchmakers twisted his arm into signing up and recruited him at an event, and that all of a sudden he got an email saying we were going out, and that he doesn't go out with people he hasn't seen. I am just paraphrasing our phone call, but let me assure you that he was the rudest mother fucker on the entire planet. I said that if he felt like his arm was being twisted then I didn't want to twist it anymore and that we should just forget about going out. He never even had any intention of going out. So after I hung up I had to tell the Lyft driver to turn around and take me home and I was crying in the car. After I went to McDonalds and brought food to the hospital and hung out with my sister and nephew and reenacted my horrible experience. I of course wrote a super angry email to the matchmakers and they gave me a new Bachelor #2. It is really hard to remain positive and excited for this matchmaking process. Like how did I get matched with such a douchey guy?? I seriously question their vetting process. Also- I found him on Facebook and all I can say is that he is UGLY AF. He looks like the kind of guy who thinks he is hot shit, when he is just a pile of shit. Gross. I seriously dodged a major bullet and I'm so glad I didn't waste a date on him.
New Bachelor #2 seemed gay. I am not even joking, that was my first impression when I met him. This isn't the first time I've gotten the gay vibe from a guy on a first date. I also thought that he seemed incredibly young and way too preppy. We had nothing in common aside for the fact that we both watched The Crown and Downton Abbey. He was nice enough, but we had NOTHING in common. He was into golf and tennis, and I just didn't feel like I could be myself. Even my Lyft driver thought he was gay when she picked me up. So then I emailed the matchmakers yet again and reminded them that I want a MASCULINE man and someone OLDER, like 36-40. They said they will take that into consideration for Bachelor #3. At that point I was expecting to be set up with either a grizzly bear or the Brawny Man.
Bachelor #3 was the most boring, middle aged white man I could've possibly been set up with. He was in his 40s and had the social skills of a tree stump. As soon as I saw him I was immediately disappointed because he wasn't attractive and he looked super awkward (as most middle ages white men do). We sat down at this cute little wine bar and it was just crickets... he then proceeded to interview me, as if he were going to hire me for some boring ass job. He asked me the most basic questions such as "do you like dogs?" He told me about a trip that he took with his parents, and that right there said enough about him. He was a "professor" at Santa Monica Community College, and you'd think that if he taught he would have some grasp of the English language in addition to the fundamental speech skills one would need in such a profession. Throughout this hour long date, I downed a glass of wine and he sipped on his beer- taking a sip after every word he said. We ordered 1 appetizer which took light-years to get. The waitress saw that I was suffering and, bless her soul, came up to me and poured me the rest of the bottle of wine on the house. She said she felt bad the food was taking so long, but us ladies know when another woman is on a shitty date and wants to get the fuck out of there. So the wine was her gift to me. After we got our 1 appetizer we left and as he was paying the bill I was summoning my Lyft to rescue me. I couldn't have ran out of the bar fast enough! I told the matchmaker they striked out again, and that I wanted a man that had not only a GOOD personality (or any personality at all- not one of a tree stump) but a grasp on social skills as well. And when I say good personality, I mean someone who has a sense of humor, isn't shy AF and can talk about a variety of topics as opposed to interviewing me and asking me boring shit.
I thought surely Bachelor #4 was going to be better. I had even told them to take their time selecting my bachelors because I felt like they were rushing to just set me up with any random man they could scrounge up. Bachelor #4 was the date from my worst nightmare. They basically set me up with Mr. Rogers, like from Mr. Rogers' Neighborhood circa 1980. Swear to god, this dude was old and wore a fucking old man cardigan and dad chinos. We were at a really cool wine bar, and this grandpa just sat there drinking water all night. I kid you not, when we sat down we probably sat in silence for at least 5 minutes. I wanted the earth to just swallow me whole. And right next to our table was a table full of fun guys, including Chris O'Dowd from Bridesmaids!! I wanted to join them so badly. We ordered 1 appetizer which again took 500 light-years to arrive. Same situation happened, where I drank my glass of wine and the waitress hooked me up with the rest of the bottle on the house. Grandpa Rogers and I talked about Disney World because he was from Orlando and I didn't know what the fuck else to talk about aside my love of Disney. I was pretty livid after this date, because it was like the matchmakers were doing the exact opposite of what I wanted and set me up with guys I would never want to date in a million years! I knew after Bachelor #4 that this was a total scam.
I didn't even want to go out with Bachelor #5, but the matchmaker swore he was better than the others. I was doubtful, and my expectations were so low at this point that a monkey in a tuxedo would've been a great date for me. I will say that Bachelor #5 at least could make conversation and wasn't the ugliest guy I've ever gone out with, but he was too fancy for me. What do I mean by fancy? Well, this dude was into ballet and opera and shit like that. Snooze.... At least he liked wine and knew about wine (he was a former sommelier) and drank wine. And I wasn't bored to tears on this date, which was a plus. But it was obvious we were not a match made in heaven and we both knew that neither one of us were that into each other (I know this because I never heard from him).
I was really disappointed that I had gone through all 5 bachelors, and everyone sucked in their own way. From looks, to lack of personality, to the possibility of being homosexual, the matchmaking experience had been an utter nightmare. They wanted to set me up on a date with Bonus Bachelor #6 but I refused because I just couldn't put myself through one more god awful date. I asked them why in the hell they picked these guys for me, and they said that they chose them based on the qualities I said I was looking for. I said, I understand and appreciate that; however, I want a man I am remotely attracted to and who also has a personality that would complement mine. These guys sounded good on paper but that was absolutely it. At the end of the day I learned a very expensive lesson- guys who sound great on paper can still be boring, awkward, unattractive and lame and I would rather live the rest of my life single than settle for that.
Thursday, January 5, 2017
A Brutally Honest Evaluation of Dating Sites/Apps
At this point in my life I am basically an expert on the subject of dating sites and apps. I am the Anthony Bourdain of dating sites. I've tried everything (minus Farmer's Only, J-Date, and any site aimed at women looking for sugar daddies). Although I am no longer on any of these dating sites, I thought I would help out my fellow single ladies out there by recapping each dating site/app so you don't have to bother wasting your time on them. You're welcome.
Paid Sites
MATCH.COM
Match.com- Probably one of the most popular paid dating sites out there. I can't watch TV without being bombarded with those awful commercials, which are prevalent during this time of year (Christmas/NYE) to make all of us single women feel worse about our situations; thus prompting us to sign up with Match for the 15th time, even though the last 14 times proved unsuccessful. You tell yourself "maybe this time will be different," even though you know very well it won't be.
My experience on Match.com while in my early 20s is startlingly different than my experience in my near-mid 30s. In my early 20s (circa 2004-2006) there was an abundance of attractive, young men ripe for the picking! Match.com yielded a very high ROI and I went out with a great number of good looking men. Fast forward 10 years later, and now I only get hit on my ugly, fat, divorced w/kids, old men (and a disproportionately large number of Indian and Asian men). I kid you not, I am talking about 50-60 year old men who genuinely think a 34 year old women would ever give them a shot. They could literally be my dad! NASTY! I often tell them this fact and inform them that my grandma is single. There are still a large number of attractive 30-40 yr old men on Match.com; however, they all seem to have lost their ability to type and respond back to messages. Perhaps there was an epidemic of a disease in which men have suddenly lost the use of their hands and/or fingers? I am not the type of woman who sits back expecting men to email me. I take the bull by the horns! I have emailed a countless number of men on Match.com, but the ROI is appallingly low. Men have become lazy, or they're just too busy getting laid off of Tinder. I say this because a large percentage of the men I see on Match.com are also on Tinder.
The verdict? Don't waste your time or your money ladies. The guys on here pretend they're looking to be serious, but they're unresponsive, fake and are busy looking for a quick shag on Tinder. Unless you're into old and/or middle aged Indian/Asian men. If that's what you're looking for then you're in for a treat!
e-HARMONY
Don't get me started on e-Harmony! First off, grandpa Moses isn't exactly relatable (I'm talking about Neil Clark Warren- the old man in the commercials). He is like my grandpa, trying to give me dating advice. Secondly, this site is grossly overpriced. Thirdly, the men on e-Harmony are NOT attractive. It's rare to find a handsome man who also doesn't seem completely socially awkward. I've gone out with 2 guys from e-Harmony over the years, neither seemed like they were looking for anything more than a shag.
e-Harmony has evolved over the last decade. At first you had to take the unbearably long survey about yourself and then they would send you matches, but you COULDN'T see their photos. So you would go back and forth with these faceless bachelors, with the lame questions and finally, after you spent a week asking each other what sounded like a fun date (a) ballet, (b) shopping at a flea market (wtf why is this an option), (c) going bowling or (d) comedy show, then you finally get to see what the bachelors look like. You've spent the entire week praying to God above that this man you've been corresponding with doesn't look like Shrek... but sadly 99.9% of the time they bachelors do in fact look like Shrek (and sometimes even Donkey).
I think e-Harmony realized that people want to superficially judge one another before wasting time with all of the questions and back and forth essays only to be disappointed at the end. So, now e-Harmony lets you see what everyone looks like upfront and if you want, you can even bypass all of the inane questions and email each other directly. Although e-Harmony did right by making adjustments to their platform, it doesn't change the fact that the men on there still look like Shrek.
The verdict? Don't waste your time ladies! e-Harmony has a notoriously low ROI, is overpriced and is full of ugly, awkward men. Trust me, I tried this site at least 5-7 times during the last 10 years.
Free Sites
OKCUPID
OkCupid should be re-branded as "OkPervert" or "OkDominant" or "OkThreesome." Everyone on this site is looking for sex, whether it's a dom/sub situation or a threesome (aka 'we're a committed couple in an open relationship looking to be very good friends with someone'). OkCupid is basically the Craigslist of the dating site world. It's seriously disgusting. Scrolling through OkCupid feels like walking down a dark alley or walking alone into a dirty bar with scary looking men inside. You're on high alert and you're just waiting for some perv to molest/rape you, or at the very least say something disgusting to you. I can't tell you the number of sexually explicit emails I received on this site, lots of swingers out there! I also noticed, that after Fifty Shades of Grey became popular there are a ton of men who think they're Christian Grey and want a dom/sub relationship (even offering to spoil their woman with gifts and trips). These men often hide their face in their profile pic (because they have to be discreet of course) and only show their fake chiseled abs and sometimes their pelvis. Sometimes they've even stark naked, but covering their bits and pieces.
Although OkCupid is a hot bed of sex crazed horn dogs, I did manage to find some normalish men to go out with. The pool of men were more normal around 2012-2014, but since then it's gotten bad (see paragraph above). Similar to Match.com, you often see all of the men from OkCupid on Tinder, and even on Match.com. If the same people on OkCupid are also on Match.com, then why even pay for Match.com in the first place? I often thought that, and that included me as well! Why was I on both sites? Because somehow you trick yourself into thinking that the more places you are, the higher the odds of meeting someone. Sure Joe Schmo didn't email me on Match.com, perhaps his account expired. But maybe if I try him on OkCupid he'll respond back. Not the case my friends. A man that is too lazy to reply or correspond on Match.com is also too lazy to reply or correspond on OkCupid. You just end up making an ass of yourself twice.
Another thing I noticed on OkCupid is that, unlike Match.com where I am only contacted my grandpa, on OkCupid I got a ton of emails from disturbingly younger guys. Like 19-21 year old guys! Some women would be flattered by that, I just thought it was nasty. Sorry fellas, I'm not looking to be your sugar mamma.I also got hit up by a LOT of middle-eastern men, LIVING IN THE MIDDLE EAST. I think they're looking for a way to get a green card.
The verdict? Unless you're looking for a threesome or to become someone's submissive, avoid OkCupid at all costs. Nothing good comes from here! Sometimes I was even afraid I would contract a STD just from being on the site. AVOID, AVOID, AVOID.
Free Apps
COFFEE MEETS BAGEL
First off, the name of this app is terrible. I would prefer Coffee Meets Donuts. What is this app? A food delivery service? I wish! It is a dating app supposedly. You get sent 1 match a day. You read that correctly! One. Uno. Un. Eins. Every day at noon I would again pray to the dating Gods to please send me a good looking match. And every day at noon I would be disappointed. And no, it's not because I am the most superficial woman on the planet (although my dad does say I'm picky). It's because these guys are legitimately unattractive. That's not my fault! I never met anyone off this app because I deleted it fairly quickly. My iPhone told me I was running low on storage and I had to sacrifice Coffee Meets (ugly) Bagel so that I could keep Match, e-Harmony, OkCupid, Tinder, Bumble, Hinge and Happn. #Priorities. I have never heard of anyone ever meeting their boyfriend on this app. If there is a case study I want to see a picture of that boyfriend.
The verdict? Don't waste your storage space with this app. Unless you have a shit ton of memory on your phone, then give it a whirl. And if you see good looking men on here then you have to send me photos because I won't believe you.
HAPPN
This app is sort of stalkerish. The idea here is that men in your feed appear because you've at some point in time crossed paths with them or have been in close proximity. Yes ladies, your GPS on your phone has become your pimp. Remember that hot guy you stood in line behind at Starbucks? He could be on the app! That ugly guy who stood behind you in line at Starbucks? Also on the app! I appreciate the idea of the app; I mean, it makes sense to potentially get to know local men who perhaps work in your building or live in your apartment complex. The problem with this app, much like Hinge (which I'll get to next) is that nobody fucking replies or starts a conversation! So you essentially become the stalker. I tried reaching out to several guys, and nada. Similar to Bumble (which I will also cover), it seemed like many of the men on the app were just attractive, fake profiles. That is how they lure you in. They make you believe that you magically live among a sea of hot guys that you pass on the streets on a daily basis. And alas! You can finally contact them via this magical app, as opposed to going about the old fashion way of striking up a conversation with a human being in person. GASP! Who would think to do such a thing? You mean actually make eye contact with someone and speak words out of your mouth as opposed to typing stupid opening lines within the confines of your mobile phone? Sounds like science fiction to me!
The verdict? Don't bother, unless you have a fantasy about being a stalker. Then you might enjoy this one.
HINGE
This app actually needs to be removed from the Free App list and put on the Paid App list. That's right, Hinge got a makeover in 2016 and now they think they're oh so different from Tinder that you should pay them money for the privilege of using their app. I think not.
Let me give you a little background. Hinge is a cleaner version of Tinder, and by cleaner I mean I never once saw a naked dude barely covering his twig and berries. Hinge worked the same way as Tinder, meaning you'd swipe left or right and you'd be notified if you got a match, and everyone that came into your feed was through Facebook connections (friends of friends on Facebook). The problem with Hinge was that nobody, and I mean NOBODY, would initiate a conversation post-match. It was bizarre. 75% of the time I would try and initiate conversation, but to no avail. Eventually I deleted the app, but would get bored or frustrated with Tinder and would give Hinge another shot. After I downloaded the second time I noticed a new feature. If you matched with someone, you had 24 hours to send a message. If either party did not initiate a conversation you would un-match and risk never seeing each other again (until you matched on Tinder). Yes, use a threat! That always works! Needless to say that adjustment was unsuccessful (but at least the looming countdown made for an awkward opening-line).
As of Fall 2016, Hinge decided that they were going to focus on "serious daters" (assuming they still existed) and relaunched their app (still calling it Hinge), The difference was that you no longer swipe left or right. No, that is archaic and stupid! The way of the future is by sliding up. Yes! That makes a much greater difference! So basically you have the same men in your feed, and you are just sliding up on profiles to get to the next one. I don't see how this is different. Hinge even had the audacity to start charging $7 a month for the app! WTF? In my opinion, they made their app interface too confusing, not user-friendly and you're still stuck in a pool of men who don't take any initiative to strike up a conversation. Why would anyone pay $7 a month for that?
The verdict? Save your money for your daily Starbucks coffee. At least maybe you'll have a hot guy in line with you who you can later stalk on Happn.
BUMBLE
Bumble is the shiny new toy in the dating app space. Similar to Tinder with the swiping, the main differences here are a) that women must make the first move and initiate a conversation or else the match will expire, and b) there is an abundance of hot (probably fake) guys who are all CEOs, Founders, Actors or Entrepreneurs. This just can't be possible. When I first logged on to Bumble and started swiping around my thumb began to cramp from all of the swiping right! It was a cornucopia of hot men! Where had Bumble been the last 4 1/2 years of my single life?? I soon realized; however, that this app was too good to be true. It is not possible for everyone to be a CEO or Entrepreneur. Additionally, I matched with so many hot guys, yet magically none would ever respond. They must all suffer from the same affliction as the men on Match.com, Hinge or Happn. The men who did respond did not look like the other hot CEO/Entrepreneurs, they looked like regular guys that could be found on Tinder and had regular jobs. This led me to the conclusion that Bumble is a bait and switch app. Meaning, they lure you in with an abundance of fake profiles of hot men at the beginning of your swiping (and these fake profiles must be pre-programmed to match with everyone) and then in reality the real guys on this app are regular Joe Schmos. I swiped a shit ton on this app. In fact, I swiped through Bumbles entire repository of hot/fake men and finally got to the pool or regular and/or unattractive guys that could be found on Tinder. Try it ladies! Go on a swiping spree! You'll see that the more you swipe eventually all the hot guys go away and you're left with less attractive guys. Sorry to burst your Bumble bubble.
The verdict? It's fun for a while until you get to the real profiles, Then it's a big disappointment. Also there are catfishers on here (read my previous blog post about "The Last 67ish Bachelors").
TINDER
Everyone knows Tinder. Young and old alike (which is gross). Tinder is the cocaine of online dating apps. Addicting AF. You could literally swipe for hours on end. It is like playing a slot machine. You think if you keep playing long enough you'll eventually match with someone decently attractive. And then once you do match, does anyone bother to message? Nope! Tinder even added those super fun animated gifs to help break the ice. Those are USELESS. They're really more for my own personal enjoyment if anything. The guys on Tinder are sleazy AF. Nobody on here is looking to date seriously, it's just another gross way for people to hook up. It always makes me laugh when guys write in their profiles that they're not on Tinder for a hook up. YEAH RIGHT! Like I was born yesterday. Tinder makes cheating too easy and accessible. I once saw a friend's friend's husband on Tinder and I wanted to puke. People have no shame.
Tinder is what's wrong with dating today. Tinder has destroyed the institution of dating and courtship. It lets men (and women) skip that part and get right to the sex. Well, FUCK YOU TINDER.
The verdict? Avoid at all costs. Nothing good ever comes from or is on Tinder. And for my non-single ladies, check your man's phone and make sure he doesn't have Tinder downloaded. If he does dump his ass and get on Bumble!
Dating Sites I Never Joined (but browsed once)
POF (Plenty of Fish)
I never joined this site but I checked it out once (due to pure curiosity). Let me put it this way, POF is like the trailer park of the dating world. Let me knock out a few of my teeth, walk around a gas station barefoot, and start smoking on a corn cob pipe while playing my jug and I'll fit right in. I'm sure there are an abundance of ex-cons fresh out of prison, or men who just moved out of their mom's trailer into one of their very own. Go for it if that's your thing. I will pass.
Christian Mingle
Christian Mingle is like POF's super Christian, super awkward second cousin. I will leave it at that. I would probably have more luck with Satan Worshipers or Wiccans.
To conclude, essentially every dating site or app in existence is full of the same gross or lame people. They are time sucks and a waste of money. There is no point in participating. Do something more valuable with your time! Now that I'm off all of these apps I feel free! I have more time to read books, watch movies, I'm more focused at the gym (rather than swiping left or right while on the elliptical). I am less frustrated and stressed out because I am no longer dealing with the bull shit that comes from these apps. Try disconnecting! I promise you'll feel great! Liberated even!
And to those people out there who claim that their friend's friend found her current boyfriend on Tinder/Bumble/Match... I say they're full of shit.
Paid Sites
MATCH.COM
Match.com- Probably one of the most popular paid dating sites out there. I can't watch TV without being bombarded with those awful commercials, which are prevalent during this time of year (Christmas/NYE) to make all of us single women feel worse about our situations; thus prompting us to sign up with Match for the 15th time, even though the last 14 times proved unsuccessful. You tell yourself "maybe this time will be different," even though you know very well it won't be.
My experience on Match.com while in my early 20s is startlingly different than my experience in my near-mid 30s. In my early 20s (circa 2004-2006) there was an abundance of attractive, young men ripe for the picking! Match.com yielded a very high ROI and I went out with a great number of good looking men. Fast forward 10 years later, and now I only get hit on my ugly, fat, divorced w/kids, old men (and a disproportionately large number of Indian and Asian men). I kid you not, I am talking about 50-60 year old men who genuinely think a 34 year old women would ever give them a shot. They could literally be my dad! NASTY! I often tell them this fact and inform them that my grandma is single. There are still a large number of attractive 30-40 yr old men on Match.com; however, they all seem to have lost their ability to type and respond back to messages. Perhaps there was an epidemic of a disease in which men have suddenly lost the use of their hands and/or fingers? I am not the type of woman who sits back expecting men to email me. I take the bull by the horns! I have emailed a countless number of men on Match.com, but the ROI is appallingly low. Men have become lazy, or they're just too busy getting laid off of Tinder. I say this because a large percentage of the men I see on Match.com are also on Tinder.
The verdict? Don't waste your time or your money ladies. The guys on here pretend they're looking to be serious, but they're unresponsive, fake and are busy looking for a quick shag on Tinder. Unless you're into old and/or middle aged Indian/Asian men. If that's what you're looking for then you're in for a treat!
e-HARMONY
Don't get me started on e-Harmony! First off, grandpa Moses isn't exactly relatable (I'm talking about Neil Clark Warren- the old man in the commercials). He is like my grandpa, trying to give me dating advice. Secondly, this site is grossly overpriced. Thirdly, the men on e-Harmony are NOT attractive. It's rare to find a handsome man who also doesn't seem completely socially awkward. I've gone out with 2 guys from e-Harmony over the years, neither seemed like they were looking for anything more than a shag.
e-Harmony has evolved over the last decade. At first you had to take the unbearably long survey about yourself and then they would send you matches, but you COULDN'T see their photos. So you would go back and forth with these faceless bachelors, with the lame questions and finally, after you spent a week asking each other what sounded like a fun date (a) ballet, (b) shopping at a flea market (wtf why is this an option), (c) going bowling or (d) comedy show, then you finally get to see what the bachelors look like. You've spent the entire week praying to God above that this man you've been corresponding with doesn't look like Shrek... but sadly 99.9% of the time they bachelors do in fact look like Shrek (and sometimes even Donkey).
I think e-Harmony realized that people want to superficially judge one another before wasting time with all of the questions and back and forth essays only to be disappointed at the end. So, now e-Harmony lets you see what everyone looks like upfront and if you want, you can even bypass all of the inane questions and email each other directly. Although e-Harmony did right by making adjustments to their platform, it doesn't change the fact that the men on there still look like Shrek.
The verdict? Don't waste your time ladies! e-Harmony has a notoriously low ROI, is overpriced and is full of ugly, awkward men. Trust me, I tried this site at least 5-7 times during the last 10 years.
Free Sites
OKCUPID
OkCupid should be re-branded as "OkPervert" or "OkDominant" or "OkThreesome." Everyone on this site is looking for sex, whether it's a dom/sub situation or a threesome (aka 'we're a committed couple in an open relationship looking to be very good friends with someone'). OkCupid is basically the Craigslist of the dating site world. It's seriously disgusting. Scrolling through OkCupid feels like walking down a dark alley or walking alone into a dirty bar with scary looking men inside. You're on high alert and you're just waiting for some perv to molest/rape you, or at the very least say something disgusting to you. I can't tell you the number of sexually explicit emails I received on this site, lots of swingers out there! I also noticed, that after Fifty Shades of Grey became popular there are a ton of men who think they're Christian Grey and want a dom/sub relationship (even offering to spoil their woman with gifts and trips). These men often hide their face in their profile pic (because they have to be discreet of course) and only show their fake chiseled abs and sometimes their pelvis. Sometimes they've even stark naked, but covering their bits and pieces.
Although OkCupid is a hot bed of sex crazed horn dogs, I did manage to find some normalish men to go out with. The pool of men were more normal around 2012-2014, but since then it's gotten bad (see paragraph above). Similar to Match.com, you often see all of the men from OkCupid on Tinder, and even on Match.com. If the same people on OkCupid are also on Match.com, then why even pay for Match.com in the first place? I often thought that, and that included me as well! Why was I on both sites? Because somehow you trick yourself into thinking that the more places you are, the higher the odds of meeting someone. Sure Joe Schmo didn't email me on Match.com, perhaps his account expired. But maybe if I try him on OkCupid he'll respond back. Not the case my friends. A man that is too lazy to reply or correspond on Match.com is also too lazy to reply or correspond on OkCupid. You just end up making an ass of yourself twice.
Another thing I noticed on OkCupid is that, unlike Match.com where I am only contacted my grandpa, on OkCupid I got a ton of emails from disturbingly younger guys. Like 19-21 year old guys! Some women would be flattered by that, I just thought it was nasty. Sorry fellas, I'm not looking to be your sugar mamma.I also got hit up by a LOT of middle-eastern men, LIVING IN THE MIDDLE EAST. I think they're looking for a way to get a green card.
The verdict? Unless you're looking for a threesome or to become someone's submissive, avoid OkCupid at all costs. Nothing good comes from here! Sometimes I was even afraid I would contract a STD just from being on the site. AVOID, AVOID, AVOID.
Free Apps
COFFEE MEETS BAGEL
First off, the name of this app is terrible. I would prefer Coffee Meets Donuts. What is this app? A food delivery service? I wish! It is a dating app supposedly. You get sent 1 match a day. You read that correctly! One. Uno. Un. Eins. Every day at noon I would again pray to the dating Gods to please send me a good looking match. And every day at noon I would be disappointed. And no, it's not because I am the most superficial woman on the planet (although my dad does say I'm picky). It's because these guys are legitimately unattractive. That's not my fault! I never met anyone off this app because I deleted it fairly quickly. My iPhone told me I was running low on storage and I had to sacrifice Coffee Meets (ugly) Bagel so that I could keep Match, e-Harmony, OkCupid, Tinder, Bumble, Hinge and Happn. #Priorities. I have never heard of anyone ever meeting their boyfriend on this app. If there is a case study I want to see a picture of that boyfriend.
The verdict? Don't waste your storage space with this app. Unless you have a shit ton of memory on your phone, then give it a whirl. And if you see good looking men on here then you have to send me photos because I won't believe you.
HAPPN
This app is sort of stalkerish. The idea here is that men in your feed appear because you've at some point in time crossed paths with them or have been in close proximity. Yes ladies, your GPS on your phone has become your pimp. Remember that hot guy you stood in line behind at Starbucks? He could be on the app! That ugly guy who stood behind you in line at Starbucks? Also on the app! I appreciate the idea of the app; I mean, it makes sense to potentially get to know local men who perhaps work in your building or live in your apartment complex. The problem with this app, much like Hinge (which I'll get to next) is that nobody fucking replies or starts a conversation! So you essentially become the stalker. I tried reaching out to several guys, and nada. Similar to Bumble (which I will also cover), it seemed like many of the men on the app were just attractive, fake profiles. That is how they lure you in. They make you believe that you magically live among a sea of hot guys that you pass on the streets on a daily basis. And alas! You can finally contact them via this magical app, as opposed to going about the old fashion way of striking up a conversation with a human being in person. GASP! Who would think to do such a thing? You mean actually make eye contact with someone and speak words out of your mouth as opposed to typing stupid opening lines within the confines of your mobile phone? Sounds like science fiction to me!
The verdict? Don't bother, unless you have a fantasy about being a stalker. Then you might enjoy this one.
HINGE
This app actually needs to be removed from the Free App list and put on the Paid App list. That's right, Hinge got a makeover in 2016 and now they think they're oh so different from Tinder that you should pay them money for the privilege of using their app. I think not.
Let me give you a little background. Hinge is a cleaner version of Tinder, and by cleaner I mean I never once saw a naked dude barely covering his twig and berries. Hinge worked the same way as Tinder, meaning you'd swipe left or right and you'd be notified if you got a match, and everyone that came into your feed was through Facebook connections (friends of friends on Facebook). The problem with Hinge was that nobody, and I mean NOBODY, would initiate a conversation post-match. It was bizarre. 75% of the time I would try and initiate conversation, but to no avail. Eventually I deleted the app, but would get bored or frustrated with Tinder and would give Hinge another shot. After I downloaded the second time I noticed a new feature. If you matched with someone, you had 24 hours to send a message. If either party did not initiate a conversation you would un-match and risk never seeing each other again (until you matched on Tinder). Yes, use a threat! That always works! Needless to say that adjustment was unsuccessful (but at least the looming countdown made for an awkward opening-line).
As of Fall 2016, Hinge decided that they were going to focus on "serious daters" (assuming they still existed) and relaunched their app (still calling it Hinge), The difference was that you no longer swipe left or right. No, that is archaic and stupid! The way of the future is by sliding up. Yes! That makes a much greater difference! So basically you have the same men in your feed, and you are just sliding up on profiles to get to the next one. I don't see how this is different. Hinge even had the audacity to start charging $7 a month for the app! WTF? In my opinion, they made their app interface too confusing, not user-friendly and you're still stuck in a pool of men who don't take any initiative to strike up a conversation. Why would anyone pay $7 a month for that?
The verdict? Save your money for your daily Starbucks coffee. At least maybe you'll have a hot guy in line with you who you can later stalk on Happn.
BUMBLE
Bumble is the shiny new toy in the dating app space. Similar to Tinder with the swiping, the main differences here are a) that women must make the first move and initiate a conversation or else the match will expire, and b) there is an abundance of hot (probably fake) guys who are all CEOs, Founders, Actors or Entrepreneurs. This just can't be possible. When I first logged on to Bumble and started swiping around my thumb began to cramp from all of the swiping right! It was a cornucopia of hot men! Where had Bumble been the last 4 1/2 years of my single life?? I soon realized; however, that this app was too good to be true. It is not possible for everyone to be a CEO or Entrepreneur. Additionally, I matched with so many hot guys, yet magically none would ever respond. They must all suffer from the same affliction as the men on Match.com, Hinge or Happn. The men who did respond did not look like the other hot CEO/Entrepreneurs, they looked like regular guys that could be found on Tinder and had regular jobs. This led me to the conclusion that Bumble is a bait and switch app. Meaning, they lure you in with an abundance of fake profiles of hot men at the beginning of your swiping (and these fake profiles must be pre-programmed to match with everyone) and then in reality the real guys on this app are regular Joe Schmos. I swiped a shit ton on this app. In fact, I swiped through Bumbles entire repository of hot/fake men and finally got to the pool or regular and/or unattractive guys that could be found on Tinder. Try it ladies! Go on a swiping spree! You'll see that the more you swipe eventually all the hot guys go away and you're left with less attractive guys. Sorry to burst your Bumble bubble.
The verdict? It's fun for a while until you get to the real profiles, Then it's a big disappointment. Also there are catfishers on here (read my previous blog post about "The Last 67ish Bachelors").
TINDER
Everyone knows Tinder. Young and old alike (which is gross). Tinder is the cocaine of online dating apps. Addicting AF. You could literally swipe for hours on end. It is like playing a slot machine. You think if you keep playing long enough you'll eventually match with someone decently attractive. And then once you do match, does anyone bother to message? Nope! Tinder even added those super fun animated gifs to help break the ice. Those are USELESS. They're really more for my own personal enjoyment if anything. The guys on Tinder are sleazy AF. Nobody on here is looking to date seriously, it's just another gross way for people to hook up. It always makes me laugh when guys write in their profiles that they're not on Tinder for a hook up. YEAH RIGHT! Like I was born yesterday. Tinder makes cheating too easy and accessible. I once saw a friend's friend's husband on Tinder and I wanted to puke. People have no shame.
Tinder is what's wrong with dating today. Tinder has destroyed the institution of dating and courtship. It lets men (and women) skip that part and get right to the sex. Well, FUCK YOU TINDER.
The verdict? Avoid at all costs. Nothing good ever comes from or is on Tinder. And for my non-single ladies, check your man's phone and make sure he doesn't have Tinder downloaded. If he does dump his ass and get on Bumble!
Dating Sites I Never Joined (but browsed once)
POF (Plenty of Fish)
I never joined this site but I checked it out once (due to pure curiosity). Let me put it this way, POF is like the trailer park of the dating world. Let me knock out a few of my teeth, walk around a gas station barefoot, and start smoking on a corn cob pipe while playing my jug and I'll fit right in. I'm sure there are an abundance of ex-cons fresh out of prison, or men who just moved out of their mom's trailer into one of their very own. Go for it if that's your thing. I will pass.
Christian Mingle
Christian Mingle is like POF's super Christian, super awkward second cousin. I will leave it at that. I would probably have more luck with Satan Worshipers or Wiccans.
To conclude, essentially every dating site or app in existence is full of the same gross or lame people. They are time sucks and a waste of money. There is no point in participating. Do something more valuable with your time! Now that I'm off all of these apps I feel free! I have more time to read books, watch movies, I'm more focused at the gym (rather than swiping left or right while on the elliptical). I am less frustrated and stressed out because I am no longer dealing with the bull shit that comes from these apps. Try disconnecting! I promise you'll feel great! Liberated even!
And to those people out there who claim that their friend's friend found her current boyfriend on Tinder/Bumble/Match... I say they're full of shit.
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