The Last 67(ish) Bachelors

Hello world,

It's been a year and a half since my last post about Bachelor #38. In that time I've gone out with roughly 67 other Bachelors, bringing the grand total up to approx. 105. To be honest, I am not certain what my current grand total is since I've stopped keeping my list. I do know it's somewhere between 105-110 Bachelors. At this point does the number even matter?

Why did I stop blogging? Many of you have been asking this for quite some time. I guess a part of me was tired of broadcasting my unfortunate luck in dating. Another part of me was just mentally tired of reliving all of my bad dates. But since so many people have been asking for an update, here are some highlights from the last 67(ish) Bachelors.

Category 1: The Weirdos

I met up with one Bachelor for an afternoon hike a year ago, we had matched on Tinder. We'll call him Mr. Crybaby because I don't know what number he was. I know you're thinking, "What the fuck is wrong with you? He could've murdered you and dumped your body on the hiking trail!" But where I hike it's a very busy trail, with lots of hoity toity Studio City residents walking their dogs or enjoying an afternoon stroll with their perfect, beautiful family- complete with baby strapped to the handsome husband's chest. Anyway, Mr. Crybaby seemed normal, until he started providing too much information about his family. His mother was depressed, his father an alcoholic, and his sister a hot mess with a baby and no husband. #Baggage. He also mentioned he lived at home, but made it sound like he was doing his parents a favor. Whatever, I understand sometimes grown adults need to help their parents or have circumstances that require them to move back in- but I didn't get that sense from him. My gut told me he was an adult-child. My thoughts were confirmed when later that night (roughly 11pm or so) he started texting me. He was complaining that he was hungry and pissed because his mother had thrown out some leftovers he was saving. I said "go to In N Out." I really didn't know what the big deal was. And seriously?  You're going to complain like a little bitch about your mommy throwing away your food? Give me a break! He was a full on drama queen about this, and he said he didn't want to go out to get food. The craziest part was when he announced that he was so mad that he was going to go get a hotel room somewhere and order room service, and then even asked if I wanted to join! WTF??? First of all.... EWWW. Secondly, your ass is too lazy to go drive to get food but you're willing to go out, find a hotel, check in, order and wait for room service? That would take forever! What a psycho! Needless to say I blocked Mr. Crybaby. For many months after I kept seeing his profile come up on Tinder and I would shudder each time.

This next Bachelor wasn't really weird, he was just super duper GAY. But he was trying to pretend he was straight. This happened around my 34th birthday. I met Mr. Gay on OKCupid (I had even matched with him on Tinder). Nothing in his profile seemed gay. We met up one evening for some wine, and the moment I met him I just knew he was gay! I thought "this guy could quite possibly be my new gay bestie." How did I know he was closet gay? Here are a few signs
1) Straight men never announce how much they like women (since it's a given)
2) Straight men never use the phrase "I'm in a little bit of a pickle" (yes he had said this to me)
3) Straight men don't compliment my shoes
I have worked with many gay men throughout my career and I have gay friends. So I can say with certainty that my gaydar is very good. I hope for his sake he comes out because you shouldn't deny who you are.

Category 2: The Snoozers

Most guys I went out with were very boring, which is why I can't recall most of these dates. I only recall the especially boring Bachelors. I went for coffee with a Bachelor who I'll call Mr. Boring AF. It was an evening coffee date, and I HATE coffee dates. But this guy was sober, so our options were limited. We went to Aroma, which is my go-to spot because it's cute, cozy and it's not Starbucks. So Mr. Boring AF and I met up, and strike one was when he let me purchase my own coffee. First of all hanging out was his idea, so he could've at least been a gentleman and paid for my coffee. Anytime a guy doesn't pay on a first date it's an automatic strike out. The second strike was more superficial- he was covered in tattoos and looked like he had been released from prison. I don't mind tattoos, but this was extreme. The third strike was that he was painfully boring and had nothing to contribute to the conversation. It was like pulling teeth to get him to converse and I kept watching the time to see when it would be socially acceptable for me to leave. The final strike was when he made a remark that I probably bring all of my dates here. I mean I won't lie, I have had plenty of coffee dates there (and even a brunch date), but Aroma has made up maybe only 1% of my date locations. Needless to say there wasn't a second date with Mr. Boring AF.

Another time I got drinks with Mr. Bathroom. I call him this because he kept going to the bathroom every 5-10 minutes. It was really weird, I honestly thought he was going in there to snort some cocaine or something- but if he had been using drugs he probably would've been more animated or interesting. He was neither. He was so painfully boring. We literally had nothing to talk about. He didn't bother trying, so I didn't bother either. I don't know why I didn't leave after 30 minutes of painfully inane conversation about his lame band he was in. He also pounded like 4 beers during the time I sipped on just 1 cocktail. Even after the 4 beers he was still boring.

Category 3:  The Narcissists

Fortunately I only had one encounter with a narcissist Bachelor. We will call him The Hobbit because he was short, much like a hobbit from Lord of the Rings. We met on Tinder a year ago. At this point I can state with 100% certainty that NOTHING good comes from Tinder. But I digress... The Hobbit and I matched and he had sent me some drunk message one night. I don't even remember what he said but I gave him a snarky reply, not expecting to ever hear from him again. The next day apparently he had forgotten our brief conversation and tried talking to me some more. I kept replying with snarky comments, which apparently he liked because he kept pursuing me. He was a good looking guy, and I couldn't tell from his photos he was a Hobbit. Our first date we went to a really nice restaurant that had a live singer (in the style of Frank Sinatra). He had picked this place because I mentioned I liked Frank Sinatra. I gave him a point for listening. We ended up dating a solid month, but something was very off with him. He had many, many, many pretty ex-girlfriends but he seemed like the kind of guy who used pretty women like an accessory. He didn't seem like he cared much about who I was as a person, because to him I was just arm candy. He seemed devoid of intimacy. The only thing he seemed to truly ever love was his dog. The Hobbit ghosted me after exactly 1 month of continuous dating. I knew he was a shithead and a narcissist, but ghosting is still unpleasant- even if you're being ghosted by a Hobbit. About a month or two later the Hobbit accidentally included me in a group text with one of his friends and was arranging plans to get a drink and see some movie (I think it was a Disney movie actually). He then texted me separately, after noticing his mistake, and told me that text wasn't for me. Well no shit Einstein. I didn't reply, I blocked him actually. One year later (this week actually), the Hobbit sent me a friend request on Facebook. WTF??? I obviously declined it because he is a huge turd. I had to check out his profile though, and he's grown an ugly lumber jack beard. I never understand it when guys you've dated in the past try and friend you on Facebook, like what's the point? Ain't nobody got time for that!

Category 4: The Perverts

Thanks to my time on Tinder and OKCupid I've gotten very good at identifying and avoiding this category of men. Occasionally one almost slips past my radar. My next story is of a Bachelor I fortunately did not go out with. We met on OKCupid, he was allegedly 38, from North Carolina and was looking to settle down. We talked on the phone and he was actually funny, we had a great chat. We had made plans to go to dinner but as our date approached he cancelled, claiming his mom was ill and had to fly back to North Carolina to be with her. Upon his alleged return he rescheduled our dinner. The day of our dinner I never heard from him. No confirmation, didn't even bother to pick a place. I chalked it up to the usual flakiness that I encountered several times with men in Los Angeles. The following weekend Mr. Pervert sent me an apologetic text, saying he was sorry for not following up but that was really just looking for a hook-up and then proceeded to ask me if I was interested. Honestly, I was grateful he revealed himself to be the disgusting pig that he was because I didn't waste any time on him. I told him that I was 110% certain I was not interested in hooking up with him and that men like him made nice women like me not want to bother trying to date anymore- which was the God's honest truth.

Category 5: The Ghosts

Sadly, ghosting is quite possibly the most popular trend in online dating. All my non-single friends are probably wondering, "WTF is ghosting?" Easily explained, it's when someone you've been talking to extensively or even going out with for a while suddenly disappears off the face of the earth, leaving you wondering if they're dead, have been abducted by aliens, are in prison, had to suddenly join the witness protection program, or if they're just a piece of shit and decided to move on (this is the most likely scenario). Ghosting sucks because you're left wondering "what did I do?" - which I've realized you shouldn't even be asking yourself because YOU DIDN'T DO ANYTHING. The other person is just a big turd and you should be glad they weeded themselves out. I have been ghosted more times than I can count, and at a certain point it just stopped fazing me. Here are a few fun tales.

Mr. Boston was a Bachelor that I had one date with before I got ghosted. We met on OkCupid and decided to meet up for coffee (another sober guy- I'm realizing I need to stay away from men in AA because they have too many issues and are generally flaky and/or weird). We actually had a great time, even for coffee, and had a great conversation. We ended up wanting to hang out some more so we headed to Santa Monica and sat on the lifeguard station and had a nice, long chat while watching the ocean waves. It was one of the nicest times I had in a long time. He seemed like a funny, kind guy who was also tired of the BS of dating. After our date we talked a lot for a few days after, and as quickly as he entered my life he immediately disappeared. He had sent a bizarre text about his brother relapsing and ending up in the hospital. I have no idea if it was true, or maybe he was talking about himself (which wouldn't surprise me, because nothing surprises me anymore). I never heard from him again.

Another time I got ghosted by a guy I had matched with on eHarmony (yes I tried that site several times too and it was the worst ROI so don't bother with it). I was at the point where I was sick of men in California so I decided to remove the geo-filter and allow eHarmony to find me a suitor from a specified list of states I had approved (Nevada and Arizona because they weren't too far, New York and D.C., because there are lots of professionals out there, Texas and Tennessee so I could find a southern gentleman who also liked country music). The guy I matched with lived in Nevada and he seemed like a nice guy. He had served in the military and was finishing up school and was from a small town. One night we talked on the phone for about 5 hours which was a record for me. We had the best conversation. After that I never heard from him again (even though he said we would call me). At the end of the day it was fine since I don't really want to bother with long distance relationships, but you don't talk to someone for 5 hours if you don't have some sort of connection.

My final ghosting story happened after a 7 hour date with a guy that I'll call Mr. Sweaty & Shy (I had wanted to dip out after 2 hours but he seemed like he wanted to continue to hang out- so I felt stuck.) It started with mini golf on a blazing hot summer day (such a bad idea). The funny part was the night before I was on another date with a guy who also took me mini golfing (I don't even like mini golf and yet I went twice in a row). So after suffering through a round of golf, we decided to get ice cream. This guy was so sweaty he had a spare shirt in his truck so he had to change. We got ice cream and then decided to go across the street to Aroma (ok maybe that other guy had a point about me taking all my dates there) and we sat for like 5 hours. Coffee ended up turning into dinner, and by dinner I mean I had a salad and Mr. Sweaty & Shy just ate a mound of fries. Daytime turned into night and eventually (7 hours later) I wrapped it up. He was a nice guy but seemed very shy and was kind of quiet. He walked me to my car, where I found a $68 parking ticket because I forgot the street was permit only after 9pm and by the time we finished it was after 10pm. He asked me if I wanted to go out again, I said yes (even though I wasn't that into him) and he picked a date. Well the date came and I never heard from him. I'm still mad about that parking ticket.

Category 6: The Catfishers

If you're not familiar with the MTV show Catfish then you're missing out! There's nothing I enjoy more than listening to young adults proclaim their unwavering love for someone they've never met, never spoken with on the phone or have never Facetimed with and then discover the person they love is not real. Not that I take pleasure in the pain of others (ok maybe a little bit....). There are many Catfishers (or scammers) online. That's why you should only participate in online dating if you have all of your brain cells, your IQ is higher than 70, and you are not gullible and/or a moron. Here are a few tales of Bachelors (who I never went out with) but tried to Catfish me.

Mr. Euro was an ambiguous European man (living in the LA allegedly) that I met on OKCupid. We talked on the phone, and he had an accent I couldn't quite make out (I think he said he was from Amsterdam). We never met in person but we did talk quite a bit until he allegedly went on his trip to Europe. He utilized Whatsapp to send me pictures of him in various European locations (all which I was able to recognize having been to Europe myself- and he was in all the photos and they corresponded with the itinerary he had mentioned to me). Everything seemed to check out until one day when he said he was in Rome and the Embassy was accusing him of smuggling diamonds from Paris and he had spent all of his money on a lawyer, and naturally he needed money to get a return flight home. First of all, diamond smuggling? He couldn't come up with a better story? Second, who the hell goes to Europe without securing a return flight. The TSA would flag that as suspicious immediately, and literally nobody does that unless they're planning on blowing up their flight and will obviously not need a return plane ticket. So I told him I knew he was full of shit, I am not an idiot and I would never in 100 years give anyone I don't know money. I blocked him immediately. It's scary to think how many stupid women are out there that fall for this scam and actually give strangers their money!

Mr. Ohio was another Catfisher from OKCupid. I have learned that OKCupid is a hot bed for Catfishers and perverts. I knew Mr. Ohio was fake from the beginning because none of his profile pictures looked remotely the same. Rule #1 of having a fake profile- use pictures of the same person you're pretending to be. Since I knew he was fake I felt obligated to call him out on this. So when he messaged me I just went along with it and we exchanged phone numbers (I was bored so this was my entertainment). His story was that he lived in Beverly Hills and he was a chef at a hotel. He called and his phone number was from Ohio. I questioned him about this, why would a guy from Beverly Hills have an Ohio phone number? I also grilled him on his career as a chef. Where did he work? He said he was a sous chef... get this part... at THE MARRIOTT! Do Marriotts even have sous chefs?? WTF?! What a joke! I then began to ask him very specific questions about his career, and all of his answers were very vague. Clearly he was full of shit. So I hung up on him, text him and said next time he wants to pretend he's someone he's not he should use pictures of the same person. I blocked him immediately.

There were lots of other guys on OKCupid who claimed to be in the military, currently deployed (which makes no sense because if you're deployed odds are you're not actively on dating sites/apps) and they all wanted to communicate via the app KIK. This happened twice to me in fact, two alleged military guys on OKCupid both asked to text via KIK. They were both very intense and wanted to jump into a relationship. #CREEPY. What sane woman would be like "oh yes! I don't know you, but I will be your girlfriend after talking for 5 seconds and I will wait for your return." So ladies, if any guy ever asks you to chat on KIK, odds are he's fake. Additionally, if he says he's in the military and/or deployed, odds are he's fake. This leads me to my final Catfishing story, which happened about a month ago and is the reason I've sworn off online dating forever. This actually happened on Bumble, which is supposed to be a better version of Tinder with hotter people (who are all just fake profiles). Mr. Bumble-Catfish claimed to be in the Air Force (red flag #1), claimed he was currently deployed for the last time (red flag #2- and really? The app says you're 6.2 miles away you moron), claimed both parents were dead (red flag #3- odds are both parents aren't dead, maybe one, but certainly not both), claimed he was an only child (red flag #4- how convenient, he has no family so you can't ask about anything personal), and claimed he was from Daytona, FL (red flag #5- nothing good ever comes out of Florida). We had exchanged emails and he sent me pictures of "him" in uniform (red flag #6- his gmail account had his full name plus SSGT for staff sergeant, and let's be real, most people in the military don't have that in their email handle). So, being the detective that I am (and since I watch so much Catfish) I decided to do some investigating. I first tried reverse Google image searching his photos, but I didn't find anything. I tried to look him up on Facebook, and couldn't find anything. Then I Google searched his last name (from his email address) and the words "Air Force" and bingo! I landed on an Air Force website that had an article and a photo that looked like this guy, but different first name with the same last name. So with that information I looked up this new name on Facebook and found an unsecured Facebook profile with all of the photos from Bumble and that he had emailed me, belonging to a 26 year old former Air Force guy who lived in Gainesville, Florida and whose parents were still alive (and he even had a younger brother). So of course I took screen shots of all of this, emailed it to Mr. Bumble-Catfish and told him it was a good thing I watched so much Catfish so I was able to find out when people are full of shit. I also told him never to contact me again. I really should be a detective!

Category 7: The Schmucks

There are an infinite supply of schmucks in the world of online dating. My last Bachelor that I dated for 3 weeks before I officially swore off online dating is called Mr. Schmuck. This story is the most recent and happened before Thanksgiving. We met on Bumble (nothing good comes from Bumble either) and at first I liked him. He seemed like he was genuinely looking for a serious relationship (which is rare), he had a passion for helping others, and he was a valley boy (it's always nice to date someone you don't have to drive an hour in traffic to see). I genuinely liked him during our first few dates, I even got the rare heart flutters. Everything changed after we spent a day at Disneyland. Now, those who know me know I am a HUGE Disneyland fanatic. I've been an annual pass-holder since college and I could go to Disneyland every weekend and never tire of it. That said, if I didn't enjoy a day at Disneyland because of the company I was with, then that is a major red flag. What went wrong? I'll tell you. Before we even got there he was stressing about potential lines in the parking garage. He stressed about lines in general. First of all, he was an annual pass-holder as well, so the last thing he should care about are lines because he can literally go to Disneyland ANYTIME he wants. We got to the ticket kiosks and I had to renew my pass, and he went to another kiosk to print out his pass. He finished before me and was like "I'm going to go stand in line." Seriously? WTF.... I said "umm ok I'm almost done here, but if you want to stand in line and have me try and find you that's fine." Clearly I was not fine with that plan so he waited for me. The park wasn't even open yet, so I don't know what his fucking rush was! So then once the park was officially open we hightailed it to Space Mountain to get fast passes. For whatever reason it was closed so we decided to go to Star Tours since it was right there. He promptly began complaining about the line (all of 15 minutes), because we could've gone when there wasn't a line, instead of walking to Space Mountain to find it closed. Seriously?? Additionally, throughout the day he was mostly on his phone, doing God knows what. Between his Fantasy Football app and playing (or cheating rather) at Words With Friends, I felt like I might as well be at Disneyland by myself. He barely made conversation, and when we did it was a struggle. I really had nothing to talk to him about. I don't know why I saw him after that day, I knew in my gut I didn't like him but I was trying to force myself to give it more time. I've been single for so long (nearly 5 years) and I've wanted nothing more than to be in a relationship. But when it's not right you can't ignore it. Even my friends could sense something was wrong with me from the way I was acting, although I was trying to pretend everything was fine. On the night of the election he came over for dinner, sat down on my couch while I cooked and didn't even bother to make conversation with me. He was playing Words With Friends. The last night I saw him he came to take me out to dinner and he rolled up in gym shorts and a white t-shirt, looking like he just rolled out of bed. Seriously??? No effort whatsoever! To top things off, he chatted about wondering if he had gotten someone pregnant and one point, and even sent this girl a Facebook message DURING DINNER to ask! What the actual fuck??? After that night I knew I never wanted to see him again. I promptly got back on Bumble, and funny enough the night I did he saw me back on it and called me out (trying to act nonchalant about it). I said "how would you know I'm back on?" (obviously he was back on too, which I could care less) and he claimed he had been on his friend's Bumble. As if! Only girls go on their girlfriend's dating apps and swipe for fun. So I told him that I didn't get the sense that he was that interested in me. He got defensive and said he felt he made more of an effort than me, which was laughable. I said "I think making you dinner twice counts for something." That shut him up and he went to bed. I never expected to hear from him again, and yet he kept texting me several times after that. It was pathetic. He had nothing to say, just "Haaay" or "What it do." I unfriended him on Facebook and that must have ruffled his sensitive feathers because he sent me a Facebook message (which I didn't even read) but I saw the first line "Why did you erase me?" I blocked him immediately. I don't have time for this shit.

After these awful dating experiences I realized that online dating is like shopping at Ross. Everyone claims to know somebody who has found a great piece at Ross. So I go with an open mind, and rummage through unorganized piles of crap. Eventually you get tired and you realize that if you want something good then you need to bite the bullet, and go to Bloomingdale's and pay the premium. That said, I have now entered the world of professional matchmaking.