A Brutally Honest Evaluation of Dating Sites/Apps

At this point in my life I am basically an expert on the subject of dating sites and apps. I am the Anthony Bourdain of dating sites. I've tried everything (minus Farmer's Only, J-Date, and any site aimed at women looking for sugar daddies). Although I am no longer on any of these dating sites, I thought I would help out my fellow single ladies out there by recapping each dating site/app so you don't have to bother wasting your time on them. You're welcome.

Paid Sites

MATCH.COM

Match.com- Probably one of the most popular paid dating sites out there. I can't watch TV without being bombarded with those awful commercials, which are prevalent during this time of year (Christmas/NYE) to make all of us single women feel worse about our situations; thus prompting us to sign up with Match for the 15th time, even though the last 14 times proved unsuccessful. You tell yourself "maybe this time will be different," even though you know very well it won't be.

My experience on Match.com while in my early 20s is startlingly different than my experience in my near-mid 30s. In my early 20s (circa 2004-2006) there was an abundance of attractive, young men ripe for the picking! Match.com yielded a very high ROI and I went out with a great number of good looking men. Fast forward 10 years later, and now I only get hit on my ugly, fat, divorced w/kids, old men (and a disproportionately large number of Indian and Asian men). I kid you not, I am talking about 50-60 year old men who genuinely think a 34 year old women would ever give them a shot. They could literally be my dad! NASTY! I often tell them this fact and inform them that my grandma is single. There are still a large number of attractive 30-40 yr old men on Match.com; however, they all seem to have lost their ability to type and respond back to messages. Perhaps there was an epidemic of a disease in which men have suddenly lost the use of their hands and/or fingers? I am not the type of woman who sits back expecting men to email me. I take the bull by the horns! I have emailed a countless number of men on Match.com, but the ROI is appallingly low. Men have become lazy, or they're just too busy getting laid off of Tinder. I say this because a large percentage of the men I see on Match.com are also on Tinder.

The verdict? Don't waste your time or your money ladies. The guys on here pretend they're looking to be serious, but they're unresponsive, fake and are busy looking for a quick shag on Tinder. Unless you're into old and/or middle aged Indian/Asian men. If that's what you're looking for then you're in for a treat!

e-HARMONY

Don't get me started on e-Harmony! First off, grandpa Moses isn't exactly relatable (I'm talking about Neil Clark Warren- the old man in the commercials). He is like my grandpa, trying to give me dating advice. Secondly, this site is grossly overpriced. Thirdly, the men on e-Harmony are NOT attractive. It's rare to find a handsome man who also doesn't seem completely socially awkward. I've gone out with 2 guys from e-Harmony over the years, neither seemed like they were looking for anything more than a shag.

e-Harmony has evolved over the last decade. At first you had to take the unbearably long survey about yourself and then they would send you matches, but you COULDN'T see their photos. So you would go back and forth with these faceless bachelors, with the lame questions and finally, after you spent a week asking each other what sounded like a fun date (a) ballet, (b) shopping at a flea market (wtf why is this an option), (c) going bowling or (d) comedy show, then you finally get to see what the bachelors look like. You've spent the entire week praying to God above that this man you've been corresponding with doesn't look like Shrek... but sadly 99.9% of the time they bachelors do in fact look like Shrek (and sometimes even Donkey).

I think e-Harmony realized that people want to superficially judge one another before wasting time with all of the questions and back and forth essays only to be disappointed at the end. So, now e-Harmony lets you see what everyone looks like upfront and if you want, you can even bypass all of the inane questions and email each other directly. Although e-Harmony did right by making adjustments to their platform, it doesn't change the fact that the men on there still look like Shrek.

The verdict? Don't waste your time ladies! e-Harmony has a notoriously low ROI, is overpriced and is full of ugly, awkward men. Trust me, I tried this site at least 5-7 times during the last 10 years.

Free Sites

OKCUPID

OkCupid should be re-branded as "OkPervert" or "OkDominant" or "OkThreesome." Everyone on this site is looking for sex, whether it's a dom/sub situation or a threesome (aka 'we're a committed couple in an open relationship looking to be very good friends with someone'). OkCupid is basically the Craigslist of the dating site world. It's seriously disgusting. Scrolling through OkCupid feels like walking down a dark alley or walking alone into a dirty bar with scary looking men inside. You're on high alert and you're just waiting for some perv to molest/rape you, or at the very least say something disgusting to you. I can't tell you the number of sexually explicit emails I received on this site, lots of swingers out there! I also noticed, that after Fifty Shades of Grey became popular there are a ton of men who think they're Christian Grey and want a dom/sub relationship (even offering to spoil their woman with gifts and trips). These men often hide their face in their profile pic (because they have to be discreet of course) and only show their fake chiseled abs and sometimes their pelvis. Sometimes they've even stark naked, but covering their bits and pieces.

Although OkCupid is a hot bed of sex crazed horn dogs, I did manage to find some normalish men to go out with. The pool of men were more normal around 2012-2014, but since then it's gotten bad (see paragraph above). Similar to Match.com, you often see all of the men from OkCupid on Tinder, and even on Match.com. If the same people on OkCupid are also on Match.com, then why even pay for Match.com in the first place? I often thought that, and that included me as well! Why was I on both sites? Because somehow you trick yourself into thinking that the more places you are, the higher the odds of meeting someone. Sure Joe Schmo didn't email me on Match.com, perhaps his account expired. But maybe if I try him on OkCupid he'll respond back. Not the case my friends. A man that is too lazy to reply or correspond on Match.com is also too lazy to reply or correspond on OkCupid. You just end up making an ass of yourself twice.

Another thing I noticed on OkCupid is that, unlike Match.com where I am only contacted my grandpa, on OkCupid I got a ton of emails from disturbingly younger guys. Like 19-21 year old guys! Some women would be flattered by that, I just thought it was nasty. Sorry fellas, I'm not looking to be your sugar mamma.I also got hit up by a LOT of middle-eastern men, LIVING IN THE MIDDLE EAST. I think they're looking for a way to get a green card.

The verdict? Unless you're looking for a threesome or to become someone's submissive, avoid OkCupid at all costs. Nothing good comes from here! Sometimes I was even afraid I would contract a STD just from being on the site. AVOID, AVOID, AVOID.

Free Apps 

COFFEE MEETS BAGEL

First off, the name of this app is terrible. I would prefer Coffee Meets Donuts. What is this app? A food delivery service? I wish! It is a dating app supposedly. You get sent 1 match a day. You read that correctly! One. Uno. Un. Eins. Every day at noon I would again pray to the dating Gods to please send me a good looking match. And every day at noon I would be disappointed. And no, it's not because I am the most superficial woman on the planet (although my dad does say I'm picky). It's because these guys are legitimately unattractive. That's not my fault! I never met anyone off this app because I deleted it fairly quickly. My iPhone told me I was running low on storage and I had to sacrifice Coffee Meets (ugly) Bagel so that I could keep Match, e-Harmony, OkCupid, Tinder, Bumble, Hinge and Happn. #Priorities. I have never heard of anyone ever meeting their boyfriend on this app. If there is a case study I want to see a picture of that boyfriend.

The verdict? Don't waste your storage space with this app. Unless you have a shit ton of memory on your phone, then give it a whirl. And if you see good looking men on here then you have to send me photos because I won't believe you.

HAPPN

This app is sort of stalkerish. The idea here is that men in your feed appear because you've at some point in time crossed paths with them or have been in close proximity. Yes ladies, your GPS on your phone has become your pimp. Remember that hot guy you stood in line behind at Starbucks? He could be on the app! That ugly guy who stood behind you in line at Starbucks? Also on the app! I appreciate the idea of the app; I mean, it makes sense to potentially get to know local men who perhaps work in your building or live in your apartment complex. The problem with this app, much like Hinge (which I'll get to next) is that nobody fucking replies or starts a conversation! So you essentially become the stalker. I tried reaching out to several guys, and nada. Similar to Bumble (which I will also cover), it seemed like many of the men on the app were just attractive, fake profiles. That is how they lure you in. They make you believe that you magically live among a sea of hot guys that you pass on the streets on a daily basis. And alas! You can finally contact them via this magical app, as opposed to going about the old fashion way of striking up a conversation with a human being in person. GASP! Who would think to do such a thing? You mean actually make eye contact with someone and speak words out of your mouth as opposed to typing stupid opening lines within the confines of your mobile phone? Sounds like science fiction to me!

The verdict? Don't bother, unless you have a fantasy about being a stalker. Then you might enjoy this one.

HINGE

This app actually needs to be removed from the Free App list and put on the Paid App list. That's right, Hinge got a makeover in 2016 and now they think they're oh so different from Tinder that you should pay them money for the privilege of using their app. I think not.

Let me give you a little background. Hinge is a cleaner version of Tinder, and by cleaner I mean I never once saw a naked dude barely covering his twig and berries. Hinge worked the same way as Tinder, meaning you'd swipe left or right and you'd be notified if you got a match, and everyone that came into your feed was through Facebook connections (friends of friends on Facebook). The problem with Hinge was that nobody, and I mean NOBODY, would initiate a conversation post-match. It was bizarre. 75% of the time I would try and initiate conversation, but to no avail. Eventually I deleted the app, but would get bored or frustrated with Tinder and would give Hinge another shot. After I downloaded the second time I noticed a new feature. If you matched with someone, you had 24 hours to send a message. If either party did not initiate a conversation you would un-match and risk never seeing each other again (until you matched on Tinder). Yes, use a threat! That always works! Needless to say that adjustment was unsuccessful (but at least the looming countdown made for an awkward opening-line).

As of Fall 2016, Hinge decided that they were going to focus on "serious daters" (assuming they still existed) and relaunched their app (still calling it Hinge), The difference was that you no longer swipe left or right. No, that is archaic and stupid! The way of the future is by sliding up. Yes! That makes a much greater difference! So basically you have the same men in your feed, and you are just sliding up on profiles to get to the next one. I don't see how this is different. Hinge even had the audacity to start charging $7 a month for the app! WTF? In my opinion, they made their app interface too confusing, not user-friendly and you're still stuck in a pool of men who don't take any initiative to strike up a conversation. Why would anyone pay $7 a month for that?

The verdict? Save your money for your daily Starbucks coffee. At least maybe you'll have a hot guy in line with you who you can later stalk on Happn.

BUMBLE

Bumble is the shiny new toy in the dating app space. Similar to Tinder with the swiping, the main differences here are a) that women must make the first move and initiate a conversation or else the match will expire, and b) there is an abundance of hot (probably fake) guys who are all CEOs, Founders, Actors or Entrepreneurs. This just can't be possible. When I first logged on to Bumble and started swiping around my thumb began to cramp from all of the swiping right! It was a cornucopia of hot men! Where had Bumble been the last 4 1/2 years of my single life?? I soon realized; however, that this app was too good to be true. It is not possible for everyone to be a CEO or Entrepreneur. Additionally, I matched with so many hot guys, yet magically none would ever respond. They must all suffer from the same affliction as the men on Match.com, Hinge or Happn. The men who did respond did not look like the other hot CEO/Entrepreneurs, they looked like regular guys that could be found on Tinder and had regular jobs. This led me to the conclusion that Bumble is a bait and switch app. Meaning, they lure you in with an abundance of fake profiles of hot men at the beginning of your swiping (and these fake profiles must be pre-programmed to match with everyone) and then in reality the real guys on this app are regular Joe Schmos. I swiped a shit ton on this app. In fact, I swiped through Bumbles entire repository of hot/fake men and finally got to the pool or regular and/or unattractive guys that could be found on Tinder. Try it ladies! Go on a swiping spree! You'll see that the more you swipe eventually all the hot guys go away and you're left with less attractive guys. Sorry to burst your Bumble bubble.

The verdict? It's fun for a while until you get to the real profiles, Then it's a big disappointment. Also there are catfishers on here (read my previous blog post about "The Last 67ish Bachelors").

TINDER

Everyone knows Tinder. Young and old alike (which is gross). Tinder is the cocaine of online dating apps. Addicting AF. You could literally swipe for hours on end. It is like playing a slot machine. You think if you keep playing long enough you'll eventually match with someone decently attractive. And then once you do match, does anyone bother to message? Nope! Tinder even added those super fun animated gifs to help break the ice. Those are USELESS. They're really more for my own personal enjoyment if anything. The guys on Tinder are sleazy AF. Nobody on here is looking to date seriously, it's just another gross way for people to hook up. It always makes me laugh when guys write in their profiles that they're not on Tinder for a hook up. YEAH RIGHT! Like I was born yesterday. Tinder makes cheating too easy and accessible. I once saw a friend's friend's husband on Tinder and I wanted to puke. People have no shame.

Tinder is what's wrong with dating today. Tinder has destroyed the institution of dating and courtship. It lets men (and women) skip that part and get right to the sex. Well, FUCK YOU TINDER.

The verdict? Avoid at all costs. Nothing good ever comes from or is on Tinder. And for my non-single ladies, check your man's phone and make sure he doesn't have Tinder downloaded. If he does dump his ass and get on Bumble!

Dating Sites I Never Joined (but browsed once)

POF (Plenty of Fish)

I never joined this site but I checked it out once (due to pure curiosity). Let me put it this way, POF is like the trailer park of the dating world. Let me knock out a few of my teeth, walk around a gas station barefoot, and start smoking on a corn cob pipe while playing my jug and I'll fit right in. I'm sure there are an abundance of ex-cons fresh out of prison, or men who just moved out of their mom's trailer into one of their very own. Go for it if that's your thing. I will pass.

Christian Mingle 

Christian Mingle is like POF's super Christian, super awkward second cousin. I will leave it at that. I would probably have more luck with Satan Worshipers or Wiccans.

To conclude, essentially every dating site or app in existence is full of the same gross or lame people. They are time sucks and a waste of money. There is no point in participating. Do something more valuable with your time! Now that I'm off all of these apps I feel free! I have more time to read books, watch movies, I'm more focused at the gym (rather than swiping left or right while on the elliptical). I am less frustrated and stressed out because I am no longer dealing with the bull shit that comes from these apps. Try disconnecting! I promise you'll feel great! Liberated even!

And to those people out there who claim that their friend's friend found her current boyfriend on Tinder/Bumble/Match... I say they're full of shit.