When All Else Fails, Hire a Matchmaker?

I went into 2017 with a renewed sense of hope for my romantic life, and a hashtag - #getmorganmarried2017. Why was I feeling so optimistic after years of negativity? Because I hired a professional matchmaker to take over the reigns of my dating life. I figured I sure as hell am not having any luck dating decent men; might as well let someone else take over. The guys that I get set up with surely MUST be better than the ones I find online right??? Especially since I'm spending *gasp* $5,000. Yes ladies- I forked over $5,000 in an effort to meet a decent man. That's like a fucking vacation! That is how serious I am about getting my single AF ass married to a good man (or at the very least INTRODUCED to a good man).

How did this all go down? Well, one day I was out to lunch with my co-workers, and we were talking about how shitty dating is and my one co-worker casually mentioned she had a friend who was a matchmaker. First of all, why wasn't this information disclosed sooner?! Everyone in my office knows everything about my dating life (I keep no secrets) so I couldn't believe I hadn't known this sooner. So I pretty much begged her to introduce us and so she did. A few months later I made an appointment to go meet with the matchmaker in their Beverly Hills office. This all went down right before Christmas. I figured that if they were in Beverly Hills then they HAD to have some wealthy bachelors in their database right?? And no, I'm not a gold digger. But it would be nice to date a guy who has an adult job/career and isn't a fucking "actor" or Uber driver or waiter. PLUS- for $5,000 I want the cream of the crop! There's no shame in aiming high!

I met with the matchmaker and immediately thought a) wow she is spunky and has a lot of energy,   b) she seems to genuinely love what she does so that was comforting, and c) are there cameras in this office and am I going to end up on some secret dating show? We talked about how shitty dating was in LA (basically agreeing to the fact that LA is the Baghdad of dating) and that all men in LA were afflicted with "Peter Pan Syndrome," a term I have used many times before. This is when grown ass men still like to think and act like they're in their 20s and just want to fuck around and not be serious with anyone. This syndrome seems to be lasting into a man's late 30s to early 40s.

She walked me through the different packages and how many coaching sessions and bachelors you get at each package level. I tried to act like the prices didn't scare the fuck out of me, but the entire time I was thinking a) can I set up a GoFundMe for this? b) can I still sell my eggs? c) what the fuck is my credit card limit?? I took a leap of faith, whipped out my Mastercard (holding my breath because I wasn't sure it would go through) and committed to the $5,000 - 5 Bachelor package. Surely I would find a suitable mate if I have the choice of 5 bachelors right??

After I left the office I drove home and immediately called my mother. I can't begin to explain how excited she was that I finally decided to do this. She said now she knows I'm serious about getting married... you know... because after going out with 100+ guys over the last 5 years that wasn't serious enough. Even my dad was happy. He sent me a congratulatory email at work expressing how excited he and my mother were for my quest to find love. No pressure.

Before I got to go on my dates I had to do 3 coaching sessions. The first was with a body language expert who basically clued me in to signs and displays of affection/attraction from members of the opposite sex. All good information- although I have to say I have yet to try the "flirtation triangle" on a man. The second coaching session involved a professional stylist coming to my apartment, going through my closet, picking out clothes appropriate for a first date (which includes skirts or dresses that are at least knee length like a Mormon and pointed high heels because they make your legs look longer), telling me to buy Spanx, and asking if I would consider a spray tan or getting my brows professionally waxed. First of all, my brows are amazing. They are nicely groomed and even the girl at Blushington recently asked me if I had just gotten my brows done because they looked so nice. So fuck you lady! Secondly, spray tans look horrible on pale people. I don't need to look like Donald Trump on my dates. The last coaching session was a phone call with the matchmaker, telling me how to be hard to get, how to meet men in real life by asking them random fucking questions while in line at Starbucks, and reminding me not to sleep with a guy until he is my boyfriend. I will share this brilliant knowledge with all of my fellow single ladies.

So after these rigorous training sessions I was finally date ready. My first date was set up just days before the birth of my beautiful nephew. I was so excited and nervous to meet Bachelor #1. I was just praying that he wasn't old, ugly, fat, socially awkward or creepy. We met up at a bar and to my relief he was a regular looking dude and was very nice. We had a great conversation, he was really nice and time flew by. I even thought he was kind of cute. We went on a second date and when I got into his car I thought "whoa you don't look like the same guy I went out with the first time- I don't think you're cute at all." Yes ladies, I suffered from date blindness. Date blindness is when you go out with someone and you're so nervous that you don't really clearly see or analyze your date's face. And when you leave your date you can't quite clearly remember what they looked like. So then when you do see them again you're either like "oh yeah cool" or "oh god yikes." The entire night I was thinking "please don't try and kiss me." I just wasn't feeling it, which was really disappointing because he truly was a nice guy and an adult. So I give the matchmakers credit for Bachelor #1. When he dropped me off at home I gave him a quickie hug, said thanks and dashed out of the car like it was on fire. We haven't been in touch since. My sister says I'm superficial and that attraction doesn't just happen, it eventually grows on you. I say bull shit. I think attraction from the get-go is important and it isn't unreasonable to want that. Yes, you can become more attracted to someone as you get to know them. But if you don't find them even remotely attractive then how do you work with that?

Bachelor #2 was a douche lord. I mean he was an asshole from the deepest realm of Hell. The afternoon before our date he was texting me (which is against the matchmaker rules- you're not allowed to contact each other prior to the date unless it is night of and you're running late). His text was rude AF. He wrote "Hey Morgan it's SATAN (ok not really), we're supposed to go on a date tomorrow, ring a bell?" Who fucking says that? I hated him immediately. In fact, I hated him as soon as I read his Bachelor Bio (which is a short email of basic generic information such as job/hobbies that the matchmaker gives you the day before the date). His bio was basic AF. He sounded like a typical LA douche that you could find on Tinder. It basically said he liked to work out, the end. Wow you like hiking too? How special. So after he sent that rude first text I tried to be polite and said yes I'm looking forward to meeting you. He then tried to get me to talk to him on the phone, but I was at work and I was busy, plus he was making me feel awkward. So then the next day was date day. Mind you, my sister had just given birth and I really just wanted to stay at the hospital with her and my nephew. But I went and got my hair and makeup done to prepare for this magical evening. 30 minutes before the date, while I was in a Lyft to Beverly Hills, he text me again asking if I was headed over to the bar. I said yes. He said he was running late. I said ok. He then insisted again on talking before the date because "he needed to get a sense of someone before he goes out with them." I said fine. So he called and it was the most awkward and rude phone call I've ever received. I asked him how his day was and he said it was great but about to get "iffy." OH HELL NAW! Yeah iffy because he was about to go on a blind date. So he proceeded to admit that the matchmakers twisted his arm into signing up and recruited him at an event, and that all of a sudden he got an email saying we were going out, and that he doesn't go out with people he hasn't seen. I am just paraphrasing our phone call, but let me assure you that he was the rudest mother fucker on the entire planet. I said that if he felt like his arm was being twisted then I didn't want to twist it anymore and that we should just forget about going out. He never even had any intention of going out. So after I hung up I had to tell the Lyft driver to turn around and take me home and I was crying in the car. After I went to McDonalds and brought food to the hospital and hung out with my sister and nephew and reenacted my horrible experience. I of course wrote a super angry email to the matchmakers and they gave me a new Bachelor #2. It is really hard to remain positive and excited for this matchmaking process. Like how did I get matched with such a douchey guy?? I seriously question their vetting process. Also- I found him on Facebook and all I can say is that he is UGLY AF. He looks like the kind of guy who thinks he is hot shit, when he is just a pile of shit. Gross. I seriously dodged a major bullet and I'm so glad I didn't waste a date on him.  

New Bachelor #2 seemed gay. I am not even joking, that was my first impression when I met him. This isn't the first time I've gotten the gay vibe from a guy on a first date. I also thought that he seemed incredibly young and way too preppy. We had nothing in common aside for the fact that we both watched The Crown and Downton Abbey. He was nice enough, but we had NOTHING in common. He was into golf and tennis, and I just didn't feel like I could be myself. Even my Lyft driver thought he was gay when she picked me up. So then I emailed the matchmakers yet again and reminded them that I want a MASCULINE man and someone OLDER, like 36-40. They said they will take that into consideration for Bachelor #3. At that point I was expecting to be set up with either a grizzly bear or the Brawny Man.

Bachelor #3 was the most boring, middle aged white man I could've possibly been set up with. He was in his 40s and had the social skills of a tree stump. As soon as I saw him I was immediately disappointed because he wasn't attractive and he looked super awkward (as most middle ages white men do). We sat down at this cute little wine bar and it was just crickets... he then proceeded to interview me, as if he were going to hire me for some boring ass job. He asked me the most basic questions such as "do you like dogs?" He told me about a trip that he took with his parents, and that right there said enough about him. He was a "professor" at Santa Monica Community College, and you'd think that if he taught he would have some grasp of the English language in addition to the fundamental speech skills one would need in such a profession. Throughout this hour long date, I downed a glass of wine and he sipped on his beer- taking a sip after every word he said. We ordered 1 appetizer which took light-years to get. The waitress saw that I was suffering and, bless her soul, came up to me and poured me the rest of the bottle of wine on the house. She said she felt bad the food was taking so long, but us ladies know when another woman is on a shitty date and wants to get the fuck out of there. So the wine was her gift to me. After we got our 1 appetizer we left and as he was paying the bill I was summoning my Lyft to rescue me. I couldn't have ran out of the bar fast enough! I told the matchmaker they striked out again, and that I wanted a man that had not only a GOOD personality (or any personality at all- not one of a tree stump) but a grasp on social skills as well. And when I say good personality, I mean someone who has a sense of humor, isn't shy AF and can talk about a variety of topics as opposed to interviewing me and asking me boring shit.

I thought surely Bachelor #4 was going to be better. I had even told them to take their time selecting my bachelors because I felt like they were rushing to just set me up with any random man they could scrounge up. Bachelor #4 was the date from my worst nightmare. They basically set me up with Mr. Rogers, like from Mr. Rogers' Neighborhood circa 1980. Swear to god, this dude was old and wore a fucking old man cardigan and dad chinos. We were at a really cool wine bar, and this grandpa just sat there drinking water all night. I kid you not, when we sat down we probably sat in silence for at least 5 minutes. I wanted the earth to just swallow me whole. And right next to our table was a table full of fun guys, including Chris O'Dowd from Bridesmaids!! I wanted to join them so badly. We ordered 1 appetizer which again took 500 light-years to arrive. Same situation happened, where I drank my glass of wine and the waitress hooked me up with the rest of the bottle on the house. Grandpa Rogers and I talked about Disney World because he was from Orlando and I didn't know what the fuck else to talk about aside my love of Disney. I was pretty livid after this date, because it was like the matchmakers were doing the exact opposite of what I wanted and set me up with guys I would never want to date in a million years! I knew after Bachelor #4 that this was a total scam.

I didn't even want to go out with Bachelor #5, but the matchmaker swore he was better than the others. I was doubtful, and my expectations were so low at this point that a monkey in a tuxedo would've been a great date for me. I will say that Bachelor #5 at least could make conversation and wasn't the ugliest guy I've ever gone out with, but he was too fancy for me. What do I mean by fancy? Well, this dude was into ballet and opera and shit like that. Snooze.... At least he liked wine and knew about wine (he was a former sommelier) and drank wine. And I wasn't bored to tears on this date, which was a plus. But it was obvious we were not a match made in heaven and we both knew that neither one of us were that into each other (I know this because I never heard from him).

I was really disappointed that I had gone through all 5 bachelors, and everyone sucked in their own way. From looks, to lack of personality, to the possibility of being homosexual, the matchmaking experience had been an utter nightmare. They wanted to set me up on a date with Bonus Bachelor #6 but I refused because I just couldn't put myself through one more god awful date. I asked them why in the hell they picked these guys for me, and they said that they chose them based on the qualities I said I was looking for. I said, I understand and appreciate that; however, I want a man I am remotely attracted to and who also has a personality that would complement mine. These guys sounded good on paper but that was absolutely it. At the end of the day I learned a very expensive lesson- guys who sound great on paper can still be boring, awkward, unattractive and lame and I would rather live the rest of my life single than settle for that.