John Stamos is engaged, so now what?

Another year is coming to an end and I find myself single yet again. After dating someone for the last 8 months, he wanted to just be friends. How the fuck does that even work? Yeah you saw me naked, no big deal though let's just be buddies now. I often wonder what the fuck is going through a guy's brain that would make him think that I would be remotely ok with this situation.

As I find myself still single with each passing year, and as I get closer and closer to the big 4-0, I relate more and more to Bridget Jones. I take solace in knowing; however, that eventually she does get her happy ending (even though it took fucking forever for it to happen). And yes, I am aware that she is a fictional character, but I am sure there is someone like her out in the world that shared the same struggles with finding a life partner. Oh wait.... that would be me! Maybe I just need to fall into some mud and then I will meet my Patrick Dempsey? (watch Bridget Jones' Baby if you haven't done so yet, it's hilarious).

My back up plan was to find an marry John Stamos, because he is a Greek God that ages like a fine wine. I was heartbroken to learn that he got engaged and is going to be a dad. I never got a chance to woo him! Have mercy. So now that my backup plan is ruined I am left with no choice other than to navigate the treacherous seas of online dating YET AGAIN. 2017 was my year of saying "fuck off" to people and situations that weren't good for me, and for building and reinforcing boundaries. That said, I will use this new attitude and skill set to my advantage as I engage with potential suitors and weirdos on the interweb.

I already encountered one disgusting pig on OKC (Ok Cupid for you non-single folks). And yes, in my previous post when I reviewed all of the dating sites I did say that there were a lot of pervs and sexual deviants on OKC, but I am ever the optimist and I like to keep all avenues open to meet my future husband. So get this- this guy messages me and asked how dating was going so far, to which I responded with "do you want a real answer or a fake standard response?" So I began to explain my thoughts and feelings on the subject, and then he sent me his number because he wanted to talk. Well fine, no harm in that since I can always block a number. So this guy calls me and starts telling me how he doesn't sleep around because he doesn't want STDs, and honest to God I don't know why he decided to share this information with me because I didn't ask, and then he starts telling me that he will "tease the shit out of you from a distance just not go and sleep around." In other words, he wants naked pics. I really was left speechless because who the fuck just starts talking about this to someone you don't even know??? Also, if a dude SAYS he doesn't sleep around, then he is 100% full of shit. He then asked me if I ever sent pics, and I was like FUCK NO, which apparently that was not the answer he was looking for. Needless to say I will not be talking to this dirty birdie again and I hope I don't get any unsolicited dick pics, but if I do I'll be sure to share! (jk)

I also decided to get back on Match.com, even though I haven't had any luck with that site since 2006 (oh God that's depressing). I have decided to find myself an adult man in his late 30s- early 40s, who specifically mention qualities and values that align with what I am looking for. I have sent over 30 emails already, and what emails do I get in return??? Emails from OLD AF grandpas and old Pakistani or Indian guys looking for an American wife, I fucking kid you not!

I got an email from this Pakistani or Indian man (sorry I can't decipher the difference I'm not trying to be racist) and this is what he wrote:

"Skin complexion or skin color, or shade of skin is most definitely a perfect match for me! I have lived in USA for more than 40 years. Four decades! 35 years (at least) we lived in NYC, Queens!
Many years looking for a beautiful American wife!!
I would have accepted a very smart, athletic, intelligent, well employed, beautiful, wealthy, good figured and American Educated (College, University, and Graduate School) Indian American Girl, or Woman when I was younger!
Still looking for that special woman, arms still wide open!
Make your just five minutes to hours, days, weeks, months, years away!
I will keep looking, listening, waiting, anticipating, praying, watching out for you to help out also!"

Aside from that note, here is an email I received from a 63 year old (who is lying because my dad is 69 and doesn't look fucking old like this man who is clearly near 80) hillbilly Santa Claus lookalike from Florida:

"Hi we both like walking with that special someone holding hands talking having fun getting to know each other maybe someday become Best Friends. We both like Movies & Music. I like open doors for the Lady in my life sent flowers"

This was the problem I had with Match.com the last dozen times. The attractive, seemingly educated, gainfully employed men who are in my age range don't fucking respond to emails (let alone send emails) and I only get emails from OLD AF grandpas or foreign men looking for American wives. It's really, really, really depressing. I want to have a word with that fucking guy in that Match.com commercial who stops women on the street and asks them if they've tried Match. I would be like "Fuck yeah I tried Match for the last decade of my life and it fucking sucks! Where are the attractive, gainfully employed, age appropriate men that you advertise????" Then I would choke him....