The Fake Fireman Part 2 - Justice Has Been Served(?)

In true Los Angeles fashion, it took about one year to get a response from the city regarding my formal complaint that I filed against the Los Angeles Fire Department, specifically Station 9. If you recall, last summer I inadvertently began dating a psycho who liked to pretend he was a firefighter, and the fire department allowed it. What pissed me off even more was that I MET several firefighters from Station 9 that knew this nut job and let him hang around the station and go on calls. I met several of these guys, not once, but twice - including the captain of the station.

So once I found out that the psycho was not an actual firefighter, but was only a "groupie," I filed a formal complaint against the LAFD for allowing a mentally unstable man to impersonate an official. 
I've been waiting about a year and I finally got a formal letter in the mail notifying me that my case was closed. Here's what they said:

"The Professional Standards Division has completed the investigation into your complaint. The case is now closed and appropriate administrative actions will be taken. The Fire Department maintains a zero tolerance policy towards retaliation. If you should experience any unusual incidents, which you believe to be related to your filing a complaint, please immediately contact the Professional Standards Division. Thank you for bringing this issue to our attention (and not suing us- jk I added that). The LAFD takes pride in providing the most professional and complete emergency service to citizens such as you. It is our goal to treat every customer in every circumstance with respect and courtesy."

Here is how I translate this letter:

"We're going to tell you we took action, but most likely nothing happened and nobody got in trouble or fired, but we'll let you think they did so you don't sue us. If your home is ever on fire someday the fire department should come and assist, but if they don't please let us know. Thanks"

Case closed. Now I need to go out with an ACTUAL firefighter just to check it off my dating bucket list, but I am sure I'm on a blacklist now. Oh well.

Oy Vey... Oklahoma

Christmas is my favorite time of year. Delicious food, festive decorations, Santa, presents...
This past Christmas Santa brought me a man from Oklahoma. We matched on Tinder the day of Christmas Eve, while I was prepping my amazing holiday lasagna (Tinder is fun when you are waiting for something to cook and you need to kill some time).

My family tends to eat like senior citizens during holidays, meaning dinner is at 4:30, we finish festivities by 8 and then I go home and have second dinner by 8:30 (because 4:30 is too damn early to have dinner). Mr. Oklahoma reached out to me as I was about to settle in and watch It's a Wonderful Life and have a glass of wine, and he suggested meeting up for a drink. I thought to myself "should I stay in and watch this movie I've watched 100 times or should I risk being murdered on Christmas Eve by a stranger?"

We met up at a local British pub near my place and we hit it off instantly (which I've come to realize is a pattern throughout all of my encounters and perhaps I should date someone who I want to punch in the face instantly). He was out here from Tulsa visiting his mom and sister for Christmas, was charming, sounded like Matthew McConaughey and had an actual job. We got along well, so well that he invited me over to meet his mom and sister the next day after the Christmas festivities had concluded. I was like "ummm you want me to meet who? " I don't what possessed me to take him up on his offer, perhaps it was the Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come, but after I was done with my family I went over and met his family and it was awkward AF, as you would expect. I mean his family was nice to me, but while we were sitting there all watching The Holiday I just kept thinking "omg what the fuck am I doing?"

From there my life turned into a Hallmark Channel Christmas movie. The next day Mr. Oklahoma and I randomly decided to take a trip to Temecula to go wine tasting for a few days. I figured he wasn't going to murder me if he just introduced me to his mom and sister, so I felt relatively safe. We had a great time down, drinking wine, eating, getting to know each other. I was starting to think Santa actually brought me what I wanted for Christmas- a decent adult male.

He went home to Tulsa and we stayed in touch, talking on the phone, texting, Face Time. After a few months I took a trip out to visit him because things seemed pretty serious. The plan was to spend a few days in Oklahoma then take a little road trip to Missouri (two states in one trip that I never in a million years think I would ever go visit because there's really no reason to). The trip overall was pleasant, but lordy there were more red flags than a construction zone. Let me list them for you (the flags get progressively bigger and redder as I go down the list):

1. He has a 10 year old son, who he didn't meet until he was 2, because he opted to move to California after impregnating someone he was dating. He said he was planning on moving out to California before he knew of the pregnancy, but he was 29 at the time which is old enough to know that's sort of fucked up (in my opinion). Now I do give him credit for moving back to Oklahoma to be in his son's life, but that didn't leave me with a good impression.

2. He seemed to go back and forth on whether or not he wanted more kids. When we first met he made it sound like he wanted more, but then he would say something different, then say he wanted a daughter. I couldn't really tell how he really felt because he kept ping ponging back and forth. I KNOW I want kids, so if you're unsure then thank you next.

3. He also kept going back and forth on leaving Tulsa. He would say that he couldn't leave because he needed to be around for his son (which I totally respect and would never ask someone to leave their kid) but then he also said he isn't tethered to Oklahoma because of his son and that he could move back to California since his mom and sister live out here, but then he would never live in an apartment and California is expensive. Again, couldn't keep up with how he really felt about leaving, but I knew for damn sure there was no way in hell I would ever move out there.

4. He's divorced because he cheated on his wife with his son's mother (enough said). He had the nerve to try and rationalize what happened by saying that his baby momma invited him over to "talk" about their son and she gave him too much wine. Give me a fucking break.

5. He has a stalker ex-girlfriend (allegedly) who sends him weekly sexy pics, and he had the balls to show me the pictures that he SAVED to his camera roll. What the hell??? He was complaining that she would send these photos, and I was like ummm block the number dumb ass. He said he would and then she would text from another number. But he also said he couldn't keep relationships because of this, ummm sure. Yeah that's the reason. How about don't show someone you're dating sexy photos  of someone you used to date that you are clearly saving to your phone!

6. I felt like he had to make it a point to tell me that he only dated hot women, which was really odd. He insisted on showing me a picture of his son's mom so I could see how pretty she was, and he showed me the skanky photos of his "stalker" ex-girlfriend. He also said that he's done dating hot women because they would just use him, and he didn't need someone with a perfect body, and that he wanted to date someone like me who was sweet and made her own money. Ummm thanks? Total back-handed compliment there buddy.

7. He had major character flaws that I just couldn't look past. He used derogatory terms that I won't repeat, and he was impatient and rude. We went wine tasting in Missouri, and the first tasting room we went to was a little busy (for Missouri) and there was only 1 woman there to serve and help everyone, and the poor woman was pregnant. And Mr. Oklahoma was getting huffy because we weren't getting served fast enough, and he would just say rude shit and I'm thinking to myself dude she's right there don't be a dick. I have no tolerance for that kind of shit.

8. I showed him a picture of my nephew and asked "isn't be cute?" and the mother fucker said NO. He said he didn't think any kids were cute, which is psychotic, and so I shouldn't be offended. I wanted to kick him square in the nuts. First of all, my nephew is undeniably cute, and I'm not saying that because I am his Aunt. It is a fucking fact. Second, even if he wasn't cute, you don't say that to someone you're dating! You don't say that to anyone! What the hell is wrong with you????

Needless to say I am no longer talking to Mr. Oklahoma.

The Pothead Cowboy From Texas

After I swore off online dating I honestly didn't think I would have much of a dating life, let alone anything interesting to write about. But crazy shit continues to happen to me and I find myself with an abundance of content to share. You're welcome.

In October I decided to venture out to Texas with the hope of finding good BBQ, true love, or a hot cowboy. I did find good BBQ 33 miles outside of Austin, in a creepy deserted town called Lockhart- home of the Original Black's BBQ (better than Terry Black's BBQ in Austin). Why Texas? Honestly, I don't know what the fuck made me choose this state out of all 50 states in the U.S of A. Maybe it was my obsession with Fixer Upper, maybe it was my fantasy of sexy cowboys riding around on horses wearing tight jeans, big belt buckles and cowboy hats saying "howdy ma'am" while holding the door for me at the saloon. All I knew was that I had to go to Texas to scope out the men and possibly find a cowboy husband to marry. 

I had no itinerary for this trip, I decided to just wing it- which was unusual for me since I typically plan out all of my solo trips from the time I land to the time I leave. This time, however, I wanted to be spontaneous and let my inner guidance system take charge for a change. This year I got into the law of attraction and manifestation; part of that practice is listening to your gut/inner source/intuition and to not control every little thing in your life. Therefore, all I had planned was that I would go to visit Austin first, and then take the train to San Antonio.

Upon arriving in Austin I quickly realized I had made a grave mistake, and that I had chosen the only part of Texas that had zero cowboys and an overwhelming number of hipsters. If I wanted to be surrounded by hipsters I would have just stayed in Los Feliz/Silver Lake/Echo Park. After my brief moment of disappointment I was determined to make the best of Austin and find some fun. Nothing says fun like standing on the Congress Ave Bridge for hours, waiting for a colony of fucking bats to fly out from underneath it. Afterwards, I had dinner at Austin Taco Project, which had some delish tacos and great margaritas. I sat at the bar and met a very nice man who worked in the film industry, directing/writing horror movies. We had a great conversation about travel, the entertainment industry and life in general. Although he was very nice, and was familiar with my hometown of Burbank, we didn't exchange numbers and we bid each other farewell. That interaction sparked my hope in meeting other nice, quality men in Austin- even if they weren't cowboys.

After dinner I ventured out to "Dirty Sixth," where some people told me to go see just to see and others told me to avoid like the plague. While visiting "Dirty Sixth" two thoughts came to mind: 1) I was about a decade too old for this city and 2) I felt like I was on set for Girls Gone Wild. I managed to find a great bar that had a live country music band that was very good (I got them to sing Luckenbach Texas), so I hung out there and watched all the young college kids get wasted and awkwardly interact with one another.

The next night I hit up the hipster part of Austin- Rainey Street. It was a Sunday night so it was pretty dead, which actually worked out in my favor. I went to The Half Step and made friends with the hot bartender/bar manager, who of course was from California. He was fucking gorgeous and super nice. We talked for hours and he gave me free cocktails- he knew the way to my heart. Sadly we did not exchange numbers, and by the end of the night I had been adopted into a group of friendly hipsters who brought me with them to an amazing late night diner that served the best chicken and waffles I had ever tasted. To this day I wonder if the hipsters hadn't cock blocked me if I would've scored the number of that beautiful, manly, tall bartender.

The rest of my time in Austin was uneventful. I went to see the Longhorn Caverns, I drove to Waco to eat at Magnolia Table and visit the Magnolia Silos because I am obsessed with Fixer Upper, and then I drove back to Austin in a severe thunderstorm where I genuinely thought I was going to die because I couldn't see jack shit in front of my car because the rain in Texas is aggressive AF.

Here's the where the story gets interesting. I was sitting at the Amtrak station in Austin waiting for my train to San Antonio. All I knew about San Antonio was that they have missions and Six Flags Magic Mountain. My train was 3 hours late and I was bored, so I decided to download Tinder to see what the men looked like in the area so I could compare them against the men in LA. I was surprised to see that the men in Austin were just as ugly as the men in LA - on Tinder. I did happened to swipe right on a super attractive firefighter, because I had not learned my lesson from the fake firefighter. He swiped right on me too and started messaging me right away, as I was sitting and waiting for the train. He asked what I was doing, told him where I was going, he said it's too bad I was already leaving, and then I said "why don't you come meet me in San Antonio, it's only an hour away. When will we ever have the chance to meet?"

And he did. He drove down to San Antonio to meet me, and it was magic. I felt like I was meeting an old friend who I hadn't seen in a long time. It's hard to explain, but there are rare times when you meet a stranger that you just have a lot of chemistry with and you can't explain why or how, but you both know it's there. Those are the moments in life that I live for, and that give me hope for the future. We had a great time together, even though San Antonio was a deserted shit hole of a town. I was supposed to stay down there for 3 days, but it was so empty and dead- minus the drunk homeless people along the River Walk. So, my new friend drove me back to Austin and I ended my trip early and headed back to LA. As he was dropping me off at the airport he kissed me goodbye and told me to stay in touch, but I didn't think he really meant it. Why stay in touch with someone who doesn't live in your state that you only met once?

But we did stay in touch, every day for nearly two months. We talked daily and I felt like I had found what I had been looking for. Go figure he was in Texas, but that wasn't going to deter me. We were very in sync, we had a similar sense of humor, and we both had a passion for travel. One night he asked "how much is a ticket to LA" and 3 weeks later he flew out to see me. He was already putting forth more effort than any guy I had dated in my 6 1/2 years of being single.

When I picked him up at LAX it was like a scene straight out of a romantic movie. I was so deliriously happy to see him, and he was happy to see me and that moment was perfect. He stayed at my place and our first night together was incredible. The next morning was equally great, as we drove around town shopping for Christmas trees and eating In N Out (which for him it was his first time). That afternoon he asked if we could stop by a dispensary because he wanted to smoke some weed since it was legal out here, and I knew that he had wanted to do that and I didn't really think much of it. I've smoked before and had a grand ol time with my friends, so it wasn't a big deal to me.

I don't know what the fuck he bought, or what he smoked, but it turned him into a god damn zombie. First of all, he bought enough weed to get my entire apartment complex high. He bought joints, vape pens, weed gummies - you name it and he had it. Like, did he think he was Snoop Dogg? He only had one more day before he was flying back to Texas, and it's not like he'd be able to take that shit with him on the plane. Maybe he was planning on shoving it all up his ass and smuggling it back to Houston. He smoked something that rendered him boring AF. He sat on my couch for hours, ignoring me and watching old episodes of The Office. Not even funny episodes. I started to get visibly annoyed, which I had every right to be. Who the fuck flies out to LA for the first time ever to just get high and sit around? I said to him "I wish you were as into me as you are that weed."

After the beautiful dinner I made, he smoked something else and then proclaimed "we should just be friends." Ouch. I asked him "Why did you even come out here? What was the point?" He said "The same reason you wanted me to come out here." I asked "Then what happened? Things were great last night (before he got high as a kite)." He couldn't even articulate a fucking answer. He just asked "What do you want me to do?" So I said "Well I guess you should go."

So, the stoner cowboy collected his things, called an Uber, and disappeared into the night. He had nowhere to go. Maybe he found some shit hole motel to hang out at so he could smoke his weed, maybe the Uber driver kidnapped him and stole his weed. I will never know. My only real hope is that he had to get a random drug test when he got home (because he worked for a paramedic company in Houston).

I will never know if it was the weed that made him act that way, or if it was how he actually felt- that we should just be friends. My gut is telling me he sobered up the next day, realized what an asshole he was, and was probably too ashamed to reach out to me to apologize. It doesn't really matter though, because I learned from this that I refuse to date anyone who would rather be high and watch TV than spend quality time with me. Fuck that shit.

On the bright side, he left his weed gummies and I had the best sleep of my life.

The Fake Fireman - The Story to Top ALL STORIES

Hello friends. It's been a while since I have written as I swore off online dating a few months ago. Please note I swore off ONLINE dating, not all DATING... which I am about to swear off as well because men are fucking awful (I will explain why in another post).

I figured since I was having such shit luck meeting decent men via online dating (sites and apps) that it just must be that only shitty guys use these apps, and that if I meet men the old fashioned way (like through people I know or just randomly in person) then I will meet better quality men. I was really fucking wrong. Big time.

Through the last 6 1/2 years of being single I have had many outrageous stories, which I have all written about in this blog for your entertainment. This story I am about to share literally tops every fucking crazy story I have ever had in my entire life. I didn't think it was possible to do, but I have succeeded.

Picture it, June 24 12:40am in Downtown LA at 7th and Olive. My friend and I were Downtown having dinner and doing a little bar hopping and people watching. We leave the bar to head home, I call a Lyft, and it happens to park across the street behind a firetruck. I immediately notice the firetruck and get excited because I have always been turned on by men in uniform (firemen, cops, military guys, you name it). I see the truck and literally say "oooh firemen." We cross the street, and some spirit from another realm must have possessed my body because the following is too crazy even for me. I'm strutting across the street, a fireman is walking out of the 7-Eleven that had called the fire department, I lock eyes with the guy, I blurt out "Oh I need help" he says "What do you need?" my friend says "She needs a man!" and then he tells me to take his number, but I was so stunned I hand him my cellphone, he puts his number in my phone, and then gets into the firetruck.

My friend and I were dying and we were like "WTF just happened!?" This entire exchange happened in like 15 seconds tops. We head home, I'm freaking out because I just got a phone number of a fireman which was on my list of uniformed men I need to date (I had already gone out with a cop and every branch of the military, so fireman was the last on the list). I text him so he has my number, he asks if I have a boyfriend, I say no, then he asks me on a date.

The evening of our date he tells me to come Downtown and he'll give me a tour of the station he works at (Station 9 by the way, and FUCK THOSE GUYS- you'll understand why shortly). So we go to this pizza place, eat some food, then walk to the station and he must have told the guys we were coming because as we approach the station all the firemen were standing outside waiting for us, and I was dying inside because I couldn't flirt with any of them because I was on a date. They all shook my hand and introduced themselves to me, and I just kept thinking to myself try not to flirt, behave. But it was really like something out of my fantasy. So the guys get a call and get in the truck and leave, and my date gives me a full tour of the station (I even saw the ginormous boxes of Frosted Flakes they had in their pantry). We go to a nearby bar and he tells me all about how he got into firefighting, and how long he's been doing it, and how he loves it, and how when he was younger everyone told him he wouldn't be able to be a firefighter because he had epilepsy. That was red flag #1. How the fuck can you have epilepsy and be a fireman? That makes no sense, but what the fuck do I know? He explained that he just can't drive the firetruck, and therefore he made significantly less money than the other firemen- red flag #2, he had no fucking money which didn't make sense to me. I decide to disregard these 2 red flags and just focus on the fact that he worked really hard to pursue a passion that he really loved, that helps other people.

The crazy began to show after that date, because immediately he was in love with me (who wouldn't be though, can't blame him- jk). I just figured he had been single a long time and was just overly enthusiastic to meet such an amazing woman. I told him to keep his feelings in check, slow the fuck down, and that I want to get to know him but he needs to not share every fucking emotion or thought that came to his head (he was ridiculous). We dated for 3 weeks, and most of the time he acted normal, but sometimes I got weird vibes- but I kept telling myself "the fire department screens these guys, and they must be evaluated, so he can't be crazy." That was my rationalization.

Here's where shit went downhill really fast. He invited me to opening day at Del Mar, where they race horses. He said it was a firefighter outing and he wanted me to be his date. I said ok, but are the other guys bringing dates? Because as much as I would love to be around hot firemen, if they aren't bringing dates that'll be weird. He told me anyone could bring anyone. I said fine I'll go. I drove us down there and the first weird thing was that all the firemen coordinated to take the train down from LA, and I was thinking why didn't he go with them? The second weird thing was that they all coordinated their outfits, and all had Hawaiian shirts on, and again I thought "hmmm weird why does it seem like he isn't a part of their thing?" Again, all the firemen introduce themselves to me, some of them I had already met at the station, and nothing seemed out of the ordinary in terms of how they treated the guy I was with. Here's where it started getting awful. The guy I was with kept asking the other firemen to buy him a beer anytime they went to the bar, because he had no fucking money. I was thinking "why doesn't this broke ass have a credit card?" The guys kept buying him beer throughout the day and he just got drunk. I told him before the firemen met us down there that I didn't want him getting drunk because he called me drunk one time (red flag #4) and was crazy AF on the phone and I yelled at him and told him never to do that again. He said he wouldn't. Red flag #5 he got drunk down at Del Mar. The drunker this fucker got the more annoying he got, and the less he made sense. Like he started referring to me as his wife, and I yelled at him and said I am not your fucking wife stop telling people that. He also got territorial if another man asked me to take a photo for him and his friends. He also kept repeating himself over and over, but said stupid shit like "are you my girlfriend?" and asked that literally 10 times in a row and I nearly punched him.

The firemen all left after the 8th race, and didn't really say a formal goodbye, which I thought was odd because these guys were "his family" according to him. By the 10th race I was ready to murder my date and so I said let's go I just want to get back to LA and get away from you. He starts calling me a bitch, and I told him he was an obnoxious drunken asshole. He wouldn't shut the fuck up the entire 2 hour drive back to LA, and kept saying "just pull over and leave me here, I can find my way back I'm a fireman." I was so close to doing just that. I wanted to push him out of my car on the freeway, that is how annoying he was. The entire drive he kept asking if I was still his girlfriend, if I would still go to a concert with him.... like he was a fucking child. I said, when we get to my place you need to go because I don't want to be around you.

We get to my place, I said you need to go, he says "I can't, can I sleep on the couch?" I said no way, I want you gone, I don't want to be around you. He refused to leave. I said "why can't you leave?" He just stared at me, dumbfounded. I said "is it because you're wasted?" and he said yes. I said "well why don't you call one of the firemen, they'll come get you." He said he couldn't, I asked why. He said "because they aren't really my friends." I was like "WTF does that even mean???" I didn't care to get into it, so I said there's a cafe down the street, go get some coffee and sober up then leave. He said he couldn't because he didn't have any money. I throw $10 at him and said get the fuck out of here. He wouldn't take my money and got mad at me and still wouldn't budge. So then I threatened to call the cops. That did it. He walks out my door, he had a pair of shoes left inside my place, I put them in a bag, hand them to him and then he fucking throws them at me. PSYCHO. So I slam the door on him.
At this point I am freaked the fuck out. I call my friends, meanwhile he's calling and calling my phone. He leaves a message telling me to go screw myself, like he's 13 years old. Next day he texts me telling me I was a one hit wonder in his life and that I was out of his league- that was a fucking understatement. I figured the entire ordeal was over and that was that. If he tried anything I'd call the station he worked at and get his ass in trouble.

THAT WASN'T EVEN THE CRAZY PART OF THE STORY.....

A month later I go home, and there's a business card in my door from an investigator from the LA Fire Department, Professional Standards Division. On the card was written "CALL ME." I thought, what fuckery is this???? At first I didn't think the card was real because it looked cheap and janky AF, like someone printed that shit at home from their cheap ass printer. I emailed the guy and told him I didn't think it was real, he finally sends me a copy of his ID/badge and so I call him. He told me that the guy I was with at Del Mar told him I was there that day, I was like yes why? He said that the guy I was with is accusing the firemen of assaulting him down at Del Mar. I was like "WTF????? NO FUCKING WAY" There was no way that happened, and I know this because I was there. So automatically I'm like omg what a psycho. Then he tells me "I have to tell you, he wasn't a fireman, he is a groupie" I was like "WTF ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT????? I met this man on a fucking call with the fire department, at 1am and he was dressed up in the firefighter gear. He gave me a tour of the station, I met the firemen there, nobody said shit to me. How is he not a fireman??" I have fucking photos of this guy IN FIREFIGHTER ATTIRE. He talked nonstop about all the crazy shit he's seen and done as a fireman. Like I didn't understand how that was even fucking feasible. He told me the fire department adopted him "like a puppy" and he just hangs around the stations and goes on non-emergency calls. I said "he is impersonating a fucking fireman and I'm fairly sure that is fucking illegal." The topper was that the investigator told me "this man is mentally unstable and if you see him call 911." Gee thanks.

So not only did I have to go and give a statement disputing this nut job's claim that he was assaulted by REAL firemen, I then filed a complaint against the fire station for allowing a mentally unstable man impersonate an official and for not fucking telling me HE WAS NOT A FIREMAN!!! I mean for fuck sake, were they trying to be the ultimate wingmen for this crazy guy??? I felt so disgusted, and lied to, and creeped out. Aside from that, I felt stupid and embarrassed- like it was a joke to them to watch this beautiful, successful woman hang around with this crazy loser. And in hind sight, if this is someone I need to call 911 about if he comes near me, then I feel like I could've been in danger (after all he did get aggressive toward me the last time I saw him when he was drunk).

You are supposed to be able to trust these men in uniform. It was very unethical of them to withhold information like that from me. I met the fucking captain of that station, he should've at least pulled me aside and gave me a heads up about him. I WOULD HAVE RAN AWAY THAT MOMENT. I will pursue this complaint to the furthest extent possible and I will make damn sure this never happens to anyone else and that crazy assholes are not being allowed to hang around fire departments or any emergency service, pretending to be an official. That is some fucked up shit.

Last week that nut job came around to my apartment, trying to get buzzed in because he wanted to "talk to me" (or murder me, who knows). So I called the police on him and his photo is posted at the front gate of my building so everyone knows not to let this nut job come in and to call the police if he shows his creepy face.

So yeah.... I am done dating.

My Official Retirement From Online Dating

For nearly six years I have immersed myself in the world of online dating, in the hopes of meeting a great guy and getting my happily ever after, as cheesy as it sounds. I started with excitement, enthusiasm and optimism. I made a shit ton of bad decisions, mistakes, and went out with really good looking guys who were stupid or lame or didn't have much to offer. I was having fun with the process and was addicted to the endless supply of men and the endless possibilities. Sadly, many years later, I am no longer having any fun, so I know it is time to "retire" from online dating, permanently.

I started writing about my experiences so that perhaps other women wouldn't feel so bad about their difficulty navigating the dating world and wouldn't feel so alone. Dating, when all of your friends are married or in serious long term relationships, is a lonely experience because they can't relate to you. They ask about your dating life, expecting to hear fun, sexy, adventurous stories- and maybe some of you have them. I've had a few, I'll admit. But for the most part, it's an unpleasant, painful, disappointing and disheartening experience- and your friends can't relate to you because they aren't in the battlefield any more and they most likely found their person before Tinder was invented.

Dating isn't dating anymore; dating now is swiping, texting, hooking up, being non-committal and flaky, ghosting... I could go on but you get the point. There is no more courtship or investment, there is no more getting to know someone on a deeper level, there is no more alignment on values or dreams for the future. God forbid you should ask your date if they want to get married or have kids in the future! That's just way too much pressure....

The disintegration of dating and of common courtesy when it comes to these matters is, in my opinion, due to the creation of online dating; primarily these swiping apps. Dating was still pretty fun when Match.com was first created, because people on that site were serious and it wasn't all about hooking up with someone instantaneously. You took the time to get to know someone before you met in person, because back then online dating was taboo and there was a real risk that the person you were about to meet could be a serial killer. Now we have shitty apps like Tinder, Bumble and Hinge where you just care about matching with as many people as possible and don't ever bother to establish contact with them. It's all just an ego boost.

I've taken breaks from online dating throughout the last six years, but I always went back to it because of that fear of "what if." What if I try one more time, maybe it'll be different. What if I am more discerning about who I swipe right on? There's always that fear of "if I don't try it'll never happen." Reality check, I tried. I fucking tried harder than any single woman I know and it STILL didn't happen.

I was afraid for a long time that if I didn't do online dating and didn't put myself out there that I was going to end up a sad, single spinster. I've realized though, that my life as a single woman is way more fun than when I am dating any of these jerks. I've traveled the world, I have a ton of hobbies, I have a great career, wonderful friends, an amazing family and a beautiful nephew that fills my heart with more love than any man could give me. My life is full, and if I eventually meet a guy who meets my standards and can contribute meaningfully to my awesome life, then great. If that doesn't happen I honestly don't care anymore, because I create the life I want. I want a family of my own and I will have it, with or without that husband I dreamed of.

For those of you who still want to stick it out and give online dating a chance, I say good luck to you. Just don't do it because you're afraid of ending up alone, that's never a good reason to do anything. And don't lower your standard for someone who will never be able to meet yours.

Good luck and God speed!

xoxo

My Final Tinder Nightmare

After so many years of dating I know better than to use Tinder. It's like going to the dump and expecting to find hidden treasure. I have gone out with my last two Tinder matches, which have led me to the path of retiring from online dating altogether. 

One guy I went out is your typical man-child, who is still in the process of getting his life together to become an actual adult but is actually afraid of growing up and adulting. He's the guy who hits you up with those late night "WYD" (what are you doing) texts at 2am or asks you to hang out super last minute or late at night. Guys like him aren't even fun. I went out with the first time only because he caught me on an evening where I didn't already have plans and I figured "what the hell." He was nice enough, but there wasn't anything interesting about him at all. He doesn't have a career, in fact I am not sure what the fuck he does (he is finishing college at least, but c'mon that should've happened a decade ago). He hasn't traveled. He hasn't done shit with his life, as far as I can tell. He seems like the kind of guy who just wants to party, and stay up late with buddies and play beer pong and take shots. That was fun maybe like 12 years ago, certainly not now. And I will never, under any circumstances, reply to a "WYD" text at 2am, except for the next morning when I ask "why the fuck do you text me in the middle of the night asking me what I'm doing- I'm fucking sleeping." If a man wants to date me, he needs to ask me in advance and plan what we are doing. None of this last minute bullshit is acceptable to me. 

The very last guy I have met on Tinder, and will ever meet on any dating platform whatsoever so help me God, is the reason why I am quitting online dating. He went from super sweet nice guy, to blackout drunk, obnoxious, aggressive asshole in the course of 1 date. Crazy right?? Long story short, we had lunch and saw a movie, both activities were great and I liked his company very much. Later that night I made the mistake of going to this bar with him because he wanted to see his friend and asked me to come. My gut told me "DON'T GO" but I went anyway. It was bad news from the start. He didn't have his fucking wallet, no ID, no card, no money and I had to pay for cover charge. I should've said "fuck this" and walked away. I went in and I go get myself a drink but felt obligated to get him one too. He drank whiskey, I had beer. Apparently whiskey fucks this guy up, and after a few whiskeys and beers THAT I BOUGHT he became the most obnoxious guy I had ever seen, right before my eyes. It was like Bruce Banner changing into The Hulk. His friends were super lame, they were trying to get with these nasty girls who looked like total trash, and the guy I was with was just a big fucking obnoxious jerk- and doesn't remember any of it. Girls at this club, skanky looking girls, were asking ME if I was ok because they saw I was with this guy and saw how obnoxious he was. Apparently he was blackout drunk and didn't remember anything that happened, and I had to tell him what an asshole he was to me. I am grateful I was exposed to this side of him so quickly because it helped me avoid wasting any time on him, and saved me from dating a guy who gets aggressive when blackout drunk. I was not about to become a battered girlfriend and I was not about to get back on to Tinder or any other shitty dating app to find a new asshole to date. 

Interview With a Cheater

You know I've talked about OKCupid in the past, if you haven't done so yet please read my analysis on all of the dating apps/sites out there, because I legit have tried them all and this will help you navigate the dating landscape.

So I recently matched with this good looking guy (wasn't even HIS pics I found out) on OKC and he messaged me first and was asking about me and seemed like a nice person. I knew something shady was up with him because my intuition is on point, and because OKC is a cesspool of nastiness, but I just went along with it because I like to see how things play out.

I am going to just copy/paste the conversation totally unedited:

Him: “Good morning! How was your weekend?”

Me: “It was good, Sunday I skipped the Super Bowl and went to my friend’s house and hung at her pool”

Him: “That sounds even better than watching the game! I need to be honest with you, you seem beyond cool, so I don’t want to waste your time. I’m married :\ “

Me: “You’re married? Then why are you on here? Gotta ask out of curiosity. I like to pick a guy’s brain.”

Him: "Married way too young. That version of me doesn't exist anymore. If that makes any sense. Ask away."

Side note- what the fuck does that even mean???? Married too young is the fucking excuse literally every man who cheats says. I know this for a fact because that is literally the line I have heard from other cheating guys before. So fuck that bull shit.I digress...

Me: "So what's the purpose of being on here? You like the attention?"

Him: "It's definitely not about the attention (yeaaaaaah right). I'm not a kid (yeaaaaaah right). I'm beyond that. I like the mental stimulation (yeaaaaah right). And of course physically."

Me: "So you just want to have affairs? Why not get a divorce then?"

Him: "Not multiple. I'm very picky and don't have time. The divorce question is complicated" (heard that shit before). 

Me: "Do you think this site is best for finding affairs? Or do you use other apps? Like Tinder or Bumble?"

Him: "I've never used Tinder or Bumble, so I wouldn't know. You should do some on the field research with me! lol"

Me: "I am writing a book actually about dating, and I've been on every site and app in existence and I've had crazy experiences. So this fascinates me."

Him: "You know, I would love to have a conversation on dating, from the male's perspective. I think I could provide you with great insight, seriously."

Me: "I'll take a hard pass on the field research, I'm not looking to be someone's side chick. Not to mention I have more integrity than that."

Him: "I would give you the blunt honest truth"

Me: "But your version is skewed because you're not a single man."

Him: "The side chick part was a joke (yeaaaah right). But I'm serious about the conversation."

Me: "How long have you been married?"

Him: "I don't think you quite understand how the male mind works."

Me: "I probably don't. It's baffling honestly."

Him: "It's not as simple as saying, he's just a dog. I know most men are like me. Women just refuse to accept it. I bet 80% of men cheat."

Me: "No I am of the thinking that most men are in fact like you. I've been cheated on so I know. And I've gone out with lots of guys who seem shady probably because they're hiding something. I'm not naive."

Him: "What I always tell people, don't go on free dating apps looking for something serious. Those are mostly guys looking to hook up. The serious relationship types are on the paid apps."

Me: "I've used the paid ones. The guys seem shady there too. Or just plain gross."

Him: "Those ask for credit card info, that by itself removes those who can't give out that info. Yes, you'll still get shady, but much less."

Me: " Aren't you worried your wife will find out you're on here? Or do you have an agreement or something?"

Him: "She has no idea. I use a texting app. I delete both when I'm home. I'm not the guy in the pics, that's a friend. But I'm very attractive and well off, so the women I've met don't care. I never meet anyone unless we have chemistry. So once they see me, they still find me attractive, with the interaction chemistry, they don't care."

Me: "Got it, wow this is all fascinating." 

Him: "By the way, there's a ton of women on here doing the same. But I'm sure it's much more men."

Me: "I'm sure there are."

Him: "These apps are really difficult if you're looking for something serious. I would say this technology has advanced cheating."

Me: "I agree."

Him: "If you're smart and careful. Almost impossible to get caught. There's no trace on my phone bills and I don't use my real name. I'm super honest before we meet, and once they see me, they're ok with it." 

Me: "So when you say you got married too young, and you like mental stimulation- does that mean you're bored? Like is your wife boring? Or did you like get married at 20 and you've been married like 10 years already so that's why you're bored? I've never been married so I don't know what it's like to be with someone long enough to get bored."

Him: "Men take much longer to mature, develop into themselves. When I got married, I was a stupid/naive person. I didn't know any better. I lover her, she was intelligent, very attractive, etc. But I didn't realize with time, I would develop into a different person. I now know exactly what I like, what stimulates me. Her likes, personality, sexuality isn't compatible with mine. I strongly believe in choosing a partner based on compatibility and the 4 personality types: amiable, analytical, driver and expressive. Compatibility: level of open minded, conversations, sexuality, likes, humor, etc."

End interview. I then asked him if he has any single friends who would be interested in asking my questions because now I am dying to pick their brains too. 

Moral of the story- online dating is full of shady ass nasty mother fuckers- so buyers beware. 

A PSA on Dick Pics

This PSA is more for the fellas, the fellas who like showing off their wangs to women who don't ask to see them. Why am I bringing this up? Because I recently received 2 unsolicited dick pics from a Colombian guy I had matched with on OKC. He and I just started to text, he mentioned that once you go Colombian you don't go back. I asked why, he said do you really want to know? I said enlighten me... and then he sent 2 giant dick pics. Another time I got an unsolicited dick pic from a guy I had been dating. Like dude, I saw your dick in person, I don't need a fucking picture of it.

Now fellas, despite what you might like to think, women (or most women I should say) don't find dicks attractive. When we go see those sexy strippers at Thunder Down Under in Vegas, those guys are basically naked minus their dicks. Why? Because we don't really want to see that shit swinging around. Those sexy man calendars that I love to buy... they feature men with sexy abs and arms... not their schlongs.

So please fellas, for the love of all that's holy, keep your dick a mystery unless a woman straight up asks to see it. If you send me a dick pic you better believe I am sharing that shit with ALL my girlfriends for a laugh, not because it's hot.

Catching a Catfish- Tips to Figure Out He's Fake AF

I am 35 years old, single AF, and I am the mother fucking QUEEN of catching a catfish. No, I'm not talking about fishing, I'm talking about catfishing like the MTV show- which I have literally watched every fucking episode of and is the only reason why I can spot a catfish from a mile away. THANK YOU MTV!!!!

Those of you who are lucky enough to be in a relationship and/or have avoided the bull shit that is known as online dating probably don't know what the fuck I'm talking about. According to Urban Dictionary, a catfish is someone who pretends to be someone they're not by using FB, Insta, or other social media to create false identities, particularly to pursue deceptive online romances. Sounds crazy right?

Now, usually the victims of catfishing are teenagers or young adults (in their early 20s) who met their fake ass online BAE on social media because kids are glued to their phones and shit and probably don't socialize anymore in real- sadly like many adults (myself EXCLUDED because I am a fucking social butterfly). So these kids meet someone when they're young online, they fall in love cuz they're stupid, they text/email back and forth with this online person for years, proclaim their love and dreams of marriage, and then they eventually get all suspicious or annoyed because their BAE won't Facetime them or meet in person- even after YEARS of talking. Hell, sometimes the person they love won't ever call them on the phone and they literally only text. That's when they call up MTV and enlist the help of the hosts of Catfish, Nev Schulman and Max Joseph. So then Nev and Max fly out to help this poor young person, and they do their detective work to help prove that the person that they're in a "relationship" with is using fake photos (usually stolen from poor unsuspecting schmo's social media account) and isn't who they say they are. 99% of the time they prove that someone is lying about who they say they are and it's amazing to watch the train wreck happen. Why the fuck would anyone fall in love with someone they NEVER MET or haven't even Facetimed with? It's fucking 2018!! Everyone, LITERALLY EVERYONE, has a smart phone- even my 74 year aunt! Fucking 3 year olds have iPhones. And in the rare event you don't have a smart phone, your friends sure as hell do. So there is no excuse whatsoever to not Facetime or Skype or whatever.

Ok I am digressing because I am super passionate about this show. MTV puts out a lot of shitty shows, but Catfish is literally the best and if you're single you need to watch it because you will learn some very valuable tips that you can apply to online dating because there are TONS of shady ass people online and you need to protect yourself and avoid wasting time on someone who is not real. I seriously have caught at least 5 catfishers in the last 2 years because of the crazy skills I learned from Catfish. So I'm going to share with you the signs of a catfisher and what to look out for and how to research.

Clue #1 - Their profile has like zero information about themselves and maybe 1 or 2 pictures. This is the most obvious giveaway 99% of the time. They are either fake or they are cheating on their woman. It's rare that a dude is real, especially on Tinder or Bumble, if they have no info about their location, job, age, etc. Granted I did recently go on a date with a guy who had only 1 pic on Tinder, but I just got lucky that he was real.

Clue #2 & 3 - They tell you they are in the military and give you a weird story- like their parents are dead and they are an only child. Now I have gone out with at least 4 or 5 guys who were just of the military or still active, so I'm not saying that if a dude says he's in the military he's fake. What you have to look out for is his STORY. For example, I once started talking with a guy from OKC who said he was in the military but was deployed in mother fucking Africa. If a dude is telling you his ass is deployed and he's away in some far off land, that's a big fucking red flag because it just makes it super convenient for him to never be able to call you, Facetime, or meet up or be available at normal hours to text. And if his ass is deployed and he's off fighting ISIS in some crazy ass country, I don't think his ass will be on OKC hitting up women.

Second part of this is not just the location, it's other details that make it convenient for him to not have a personal story to share with you, or people to substantiate who he is. For example, I once matched with this dude on Bumble who told me he was in the Army and was deployed (even though according to the location on Bumble it said he was 11 miles away- dead giveaway that his ass isn't deployed). He told me this random story about how he was an only child and his parents were dead. So with that story it makes YOU feel awkward so that you don't push him to talk about his alleged dead family.

Clue # 4 - They keep saying they want to meet you, they even keep asking when you're free, yet they never pull the trigger, even if you live within 2 miles of each other. Even a dude looking to cheat will meet up with you, but a dude who is fugly and using a hot guy's photos on Tinder obviously won't meet you in person because his cover will be blown.

Clue # 5 - They won't Facetime with you. Again big red flag here. Pretty simple. It takes a minute to Facetime and prove you are the person in the photo. If you aren't the person in the picture then obviously you won't wanna Facetime.

Clue # 6 - Look them up on Facebook and Instagram, if they don't exist on either social media platform they are probably fake. Most of the dating apps today have you sign in and link to your Facebook account, and many also have you link to Instagram to help weed out the fake people. If you can't find someone from Tinder or Bumble on Facebook odds are they are fake. And if you find them on Insta look at their followers. Are their followers mostly hot women? Big clue they they're fake and just playing a shit ton of women because they probably have a small dick and low self esteem. And if you do find their Facebook profile, also check out the # of friends they have. If they have like 3 friends it is probably a fake account.

Clue # 7 & 8 - When they start messaging you they get intense AF really fast. Maybe it doesn't necessarily mean someone is fake, but it for sure means you're dealing with a crazy ass psycho. I recently matched with this other guy on Tinder and we were messaging on Tinder one night and he got intense really fast. Like saying crazy shit that he wants me to be his queen in his palace and that he wants me to make him laugh always and that he wants to get married. He went from introducing himself to me to professing his love basically in like 5 minutes. Which leads me to clue 8 - they don't speak like a regular bro from America. Ok I understand that people come from other countries and maybe English isn't their first language, but if a dude says his ass was born and raised in Texas and he's in the Army and he's American then he will text and say shit like a normal American guy. I wish I had saved the texts because it's hard to explain this one, just trust me on this. He did NOT speak like English was his first language because his sentences were all jacked up and he didn't say shit regular American guys say.

Clue # 9 & 10 -  Another red flag is when a guy wants you to text him on a messaging app like kik. This shit has alarm bells ringing for me big time. I've had at least 3 guys ask me to use kik who were fake. If you match with a guy, and he allegedly lives nearby then why the fuck message on kik and not text like a regular fucking person with iMessage? That's just hella suspicious. Another big sign is  not only when a guy says intense shit right away like in clue #10, but he also gets really angry easily especially if you're asking him to prove he is who he says he is. The thing with kik is that it is easy to fake who you are. kik has a "camera" function so you can send live photos to the person you're messaging, same as iMessage. So when you send a "live" pic from the camera in kik right below the picture you send it says "camera." So you would assume the photo was taken live, like right then, right? Nope. Because there is a way to send a picture and make it appear like it was taken from the camera when it wasn't. Trust me, I Googled this shit and I found tons of videos and articles on how to do it. So if you're texting a guy and you're not sure he is real even though he is sending you "live photos" the best thing you can do is ask him to take a picture of him holding a piece of paper with your name and today's date. If he is legit he will do it because he has nothing to hide. The thing is, every guy who I have asked to do this is fake and gets all pissed off because you're clearly calling them out on their bull shit. Do yourself a favor and just immediately jump ship if a dude asks you to text on kik. You'll thank me.

Clue # 11- Stolen profile pics are super easy to find, especially if someone steals them from an unsecure FB profile. Just Google image search the pictures on their Tinder/Bumble account. Again, watch Catfish to see how they do this. Another useful skill I picked up from this brilliant show.

So I've given you 11 things to be aware of that can help you spot a catfish. I am a legit detective at this point because I have had so many guys try and catfish me. I am 35 years old, why the fuck do I have to still deal with this bull shit? Read my story about the Bumble guy who tried to catfish me. It's pretty interesting.

Well I hope this was helpful. Next time I'll tell you about the Colombian from OKC who sent me 2 unsolicited dick pics, which I of course shared with my friends :)

Match.com Speed Dating Debacle

Tonight I was supposed to go speed dating- more like speed the fuck outta here.

It's been a few days since I've heard from the Cuban, so I decided to move on and go on this speed dating event that I signed up for a few weeks ago.

Now I've tried speed dating twice in my life- both were fruitless events. The first time I was in my early 20s and I dragged my best friend with me. I had romanticized the entire event in my mind before it even happened. In my mind I was supposed to meet several dashing, handsome, eligible bachelors and they would be fighting for my affection.

The reality was everyone was old AF or severely unattractive, so I decided to get liquored up and didn't take it very seriously. Fortunately I was seated next to my friend so after each guy left my table I would ask her if she remembered anything about him because we had to fill out these dumb response cards. I was definitely too young to participate in something like this.

My second experience with speed dating was when I was 30 and I was newly single. A work friend asked if I would go with her and of course I said yes even though I knew it would be lame. It was at BLT I think, we were all in the front bar. I walked in and immediately scoped out the situation and assessed the men. Once again the men were not my type. Everyone seemed either way too young or too old. There was one good looking guy there who worked at KIIS FM- so I knew he was a douche. Once again it was a fruitless effort.

So then why the fuck would I bother to give it a third try?? Because I am a fucking optimist! I thought that perhaps because it was hosted by Match.com that perhaps it would be a significantly better source of men- it said for people between 30-40 which is perfect because I am 35. So, ever the optimist, I got dressed up, did my hair and makeup- I looked fucking good! The "event" was at this gastro-pub type bar in Hollywood. So I never thought that it would be as lame as it was. 

Here's exactly how it went down- I walk into the bar and it's kind of old and dumpy looking- definitely not a modern gastro-pub by my standards. I looked all around and there was zero sign of any speed dating event whatsoever. I walked back outside and thought to myself "What the fuck?" I went back in and parked it at the bar and ordered a glass of wine. As I'm standing there I observe many awkward people walking in, and looking equally confused. First- an older Indian man wearing a suit. He clearly would not regularly go to a shitty bar like this so it's obvious he's there for the speed dating. So I think to myself "Oh fuck." Next a couple of older Asian women who didn't seem to speak English walked in- they too looked confused. So I knew they were there for the same thing. 

I knew what I was about to walk into. I waited a bit in hopes of seeing some confused good looking men. So at 7 pm I walk to the back of the bar where everyone else went. I walk into this ghetto back room, look at the older Indian man, the Asian women, an older Filipino woman, a middle aged potentially French man (based on his accent) and a skinny, nerdy, white younger looking guy. There is nothing about this situation that says "Fun Match.com Speed Dating Event." Everyone looked despondent and equally uncomfortable. So I walk in and scan the room and think "What the fuck?" I said "Is this the event?" with a clearly disappointed tone. 

The Frenchy guy said they were waiting for the host. A hot waiter walked in the room and said "We didn't know you were all going to be here- let us set up and get you some appetizers. Do you want me to move the tables together?" I think to myself "You've got to be fucking kidding me!" The Filipino woman and the Indian man were engaged in conversation. The two older Asian women were huddled together in a booth. The Frenchy and the scrawny white guy were sitting together at a table. At that moment I just thought "I don't want to be here." So I stood up and announced "This is really awkward- I'm going to the bar." 

I left the room and sat at the front bar and downed my glass of wine and called a Lyft. I was at the speed dating event for all of 5 minutes. It cost $39- so that's $7.80 per minute- definitely not worth it! So I went home, changed, and now I am writing this from a bar near my apartment. I'm worried because I signed up for a Match.com Mixology class next Friday. I am hoping at least the bartender is cute. 

El Cubano- Bachelor # ?

I met El Cubano on Match.com. Apparently I had liked one of his photos and he sent me a message.

I kept asking him questions and he'd respond but he wouldn't ask anything about me. So finally I asked him one last question and then said "is there anything you want to know about me?" To which he replied with "You can ask me anything." To which I replied "I just did."
S
So he finally he got the hint and he started asking me questions. So we messaged back and forth until I said "I don't want to risk becoming pen pals on here, here's my number" a text me and called me a few times and asked me on a date for a Sunday.

The date was incredible. He was handsome, a great conversationalist, handsome, sweet and confident. Everything I was looking for. After dinner we walked around and talked for hours. It was a great night, and he was a great kisser. He even asked me out for another date in person.

We were supposed to go out on a Thursday night. That day he had said how excited he was to see me. I was equally excited to see him. Two hours before our date he text me to say he was throwing up and wouldn't be able to go out but he would make it up to me. He even asked if he could call me and I said of course. Did he ever call? Nope. The next day he apologized and said he fell asleep early because he wasn't feeling well. Of course I excused him. By Saturday he asked me out for Monday. Monday rolls around and again he tells me he's excited to see me. As I was walking out of work he texts me to say that his son's mom wouldn't be getting out of work until 9pm and that he wouldn't be able to make our date (again). He said he was sorry. Sorry my ass.

So I said to him that I understood that things came up but it felt a bit frequent.If this was a bad time for him to date then I would like to know. The next day he replied with "Hi I hope your day is going well. Sorry for the late reply. The situations did come up, I didn't make them occur. I'd like to get to know you as well. We can talk about it on the phone. I'm afraid that intent and tone will be lost through text. So I said "I understand. We can talk later. Enjoy the rest of your day!"

That evening, he said at 7:44 pm "Hi how's it going? Are you busy?" I was at dinner with my friend and at 8:30 I replied "Hi I'm leaving dinner with my friend and I have to drop her off. I'll be home around 9."

I did not hear a fucking thing from him. I waited a full day until I reached out again to him. I said "Hi. I just wanted to say hello and hope you're having a good week." But he didn't say a fucking thing to me. I assume the black hole of dating sucked him up, that or his baby mama murdered him in his sleep.

John Stamos is engaged, so now what?

Another year is coming to an end and I find myself single yet again. After dating someone for the last 8 months, he wanted to just be friends. How the fuck does that even work? Yeah you saw me naked, no big deal though let's just be buddies now. I often wonder what the fuck is going through a guy's brain that would make him think that I would be remotely ok with this situation.

As I find myself still single with each passing year, and as I get closer and closer to the big 4-0, I relate more and more to Bridget Jones. I take solace in knowing; however, that eventually she does get her happy ending (even though it took fucking forever for it to happen). And yes, I am aware that she is a fictional character, but I am sure there is someone like her out in the world that shared the same struggles with finding a life partner. Oh wait.... that would be me! Maybe I just need to fall into some mud and then I will meet my Patrick Dempsey? (watch Bridget Jones' Baby if you haven't done so yet, it's hilarious).

My back up plan was to find an marry John Stamos, because he is a Greek God that ages like a fine wine. I was heartbroken to learn that he got engaged and is going to be a dad. I never got a chance to woo him! Have mercy. So now that my backup plan is ruined I am left with no choice other than to navigate the treacherous seas of online dating YET AGAIN. 2017 was my year of saying "fuck off" to people and situations that weren't good for me, and for building and reinforcing boundaries. That said, I will use this new attitude and skill set to my advantage as I engage with potential suitors and weirdos on the interweb.

I already encountered one disgusting pig on OKC (Ok Cupid for you non-single folks). And yes, in my previous post when I reviewed all of the dating sites I did say that there were a lot of pervs and sexual deviants on OKC, but I am ever the optimist and I like to keep all avenues open to meet my future husband. So get this- this guy messages me and asked how dating was going so far, to which I responded with "do you want a real answer or a fake standard response?" So I began to explain my thoughts and feelings on the subject, and then he sent me his number because he wanted to talk. Well fine, no harm in that since I can always block a number. So this guy calls me and starts telling me how he doesn't sleep around because he doesn't want STDs, and honest to God I don't know why he decided to share this information with me because I didn't ask, and then he starts telling me that he will "tease the shit out of you from a distance just not go and sleep around." In other words, he wants naked pics. I really was left speechless because who the fuck just starts talking about this to someone you don't even know??? Also, if a dude SAYS he doesn't sleep around, then he is 100% full of shit. He then asked me if I ever sent pics, and I was like FUCK NO, which apparently that was not the answer he was looking for. Needless to say I will not be talking to this dirty birdie again and I hope I don't get any unsolicited dick pics, but if I do I'll be sure to share! (jk)

I also decided to get back on Match.com, even though I haven't had any luck with that site since 2006 (oh God that's depressing). I have decided to find myself an adult man in his late 30s- early 40s, who specifically mention qualities and values that align with what I am looking for. I have sent over 30 emails already, and what emails do I get in return??? Emails from OLD AF grandpas and old Pakistani or Indian guys looking for an American wife, I fucking kid you not!

I got an email from this Pakistani or Indian man (sorry I can't decipher the difference I'm not trying to be racist) and this is what he wrote:

"Skin complexion or skin color, or shade of skin is most definitely a perfect match for me! I have lived in USA for more than 40 years. Four decades! 35 years (at least) we lived in NYC, Queens!
Many years looking for a beautiful American wife!!
I would have accepted a very smart, athletic, intelligent, well employed, beautiful, wealthy, good figured and American Educated (College, University, and Graduate School) Indian American Girl, or Woman when I was younger!
Still looking for that special woman, arms still wide open!
Make your just five minutes to hours, days, weeks, months, years away!
I will keep looking, listening, waiting, anticipating, praying, watching out for you to help out also!"

Aside from that note, here is an email I received from a 63 year old (who is lying because my dad is 69 and doesn't look fucking old like this man who is clearly near 80) hillbilly Santa Claus lookalike from Florida:

"Hi we both like walking with that special someone holding hands talking having fun getting to know each other maybe someday become Best Friends. We both like Movies & Music. I like open doors for the Lady in my life sent flowers"

This was the problem I had with Match.com the last dozen times. The attractive, seemingly educated, gainfully employed men who are in my age range don't fucking respond to emails (let alone send emails) and I only get emails from OLD AF grandpas or foreign men looking for American wives. It's really, really, really depressing. I want to have a word with that fucking guy in that Match.com commercial who stops women on the street and asks them if they've tried Match. I would be like "Fuck yeah I tried Match for the last decade of my life and it fucking sucks! Where are the attractive, gainfully employed, age appropriate men that you advertise????" Then I would choke him....

The Chilean

The night I realized that the Man-Child was ghosting me, I had a girls night out with one of my dear married friends, who is also a mother to a beautiful little girl. Needless to say, she doesn't get out much anymore so we decided to have a wild time. While at a speakeasy, eating grilled cheese and downing Old Fashions, we talked about the Man-Child. As usual, she got to listen to my bitching about men, dating and how shitty it all is. After our first stop we ended up at a hole-in-the-wall dive bar, which happened to be hosting its final night before closing.

The bar was full of old people and a mediocre band, so we continued our drink fest. I had lost track of how many Old Fashions I had at this point. I decided to go out to the patio to see if I could find younger people to talk to (aka on the hunt for men). I happened upon a group of guys, and I decided to join their conversation since alcohol makes me brave. I told them about the movie I was working on at that time because I was really excited about it. The rest of the evening is a bit fuzzy as I was now fairly drunk, but a cute Chilean guy approached me and we began to talk. I noticed his Latin accent and called it out, telling him that he sounded like Maluma (a hot Colombian singer I am currently in love with). I vaguely recall asking him his age, because he looked young to me. My hunch was correct, he was 28 and I was 34. I was afraid of the 6 year age difference, because men are typically immature even in their 30s. In hindsight I should've listened to my gut, because odds are men in their late 20s are nowhere near the same life stage as a woman in her mid-30s. However, I was feeling very free and open to whatever so I continued to talk to him since I was enjoying myself.

After the bar closed we wandered over to IHOP with our friends. He sat there, quiet, drinking coffee, while the rest of us (still intoxicated) chowed down on breakfast. After our meal he gave me his phone to input my number- and I wrote my name as Morgan La Reina- because I am the queen (and my apartment's name has La Reina in the name). We became Facebook friends immediately, which I don't remember doing. I honestly never thought I would see him again, let alone hear from him. But I did. He text me and asked "when are you going to date me" and that won me over (although I didn't immediately go out with him because I was busy and made sure he knew that). It was honest, it was forward, and it was hot. I liked that he was pursuing me, because men, at least American men, don't do that anymore.

Our date was one of the greatest dates I had been on in an incredibly long time. He made me laugh, he was interesting, he was sexy (I love Latin men), and he acknowledged that I was funny as well. I have gone out with well over 100 men over the last 6 years, and nobody ever made me really laugh. And nobody ever appreciates or acknowledges my sense of humor. But he did, and that's what made him different.

We dated for about 5 months before it ran its course, and I have to say I enjoyed his company more than any other guy that I have dated thus far in my near 6 years of singlehood, which made it all the more painful when it ended. In the beginning we hung out a lot, and it was fun, and easy, and I didn't have to chase or ask for attention or do anything. I felt like I was with a really great friend, that I was also very attracted to.

Things soon started to change, I could feel it. It was right before his mother came to visit for an entire month. I had planned a fun day trip to go kayaking up in Big Bear. After that day I rarely saw the Chilean. I attributed this to his mother's visit since she had come all the way from Chile and would be staying a month. I had decided to not think too much about the fact that we weren't going out as much and I was determined to be understanding about it. However, even after his mother left things never went back to the way they first were. Immediately after she left, he went to see a movie with his roommate- despite me mentioning multiple times that I had wanted us to go to the movies. I had invited him over for dinner the next night because I truly missed his company. He accepted the invitation yet the next day he had suddenly remembered that he had a comedy show to go to. I wouldn't have minded so much if he had been the one to suggest another night to get together- I had to practically drag a date out of him since he doesn't like to plan for anything in advance- a quality that drives me insane. I was hurt because for a month all I wanted was to spend time with him, and I just felt like those feelings weren't mutual and that is what hurt the most. I wasn't a priority and I knew it.

Despite knowing in my gut that things weren't right, I tried to force it. Forcing it only made me resentful and unhappy. I was resentful that I kept asking him to go out with me and it wasn't being reciprocated. I was resentful because I didn't feel wanted. I kept keeping score, and I knew that I was giving far more than I was receiving. That seems to be the story of my life though. When the guy you've been dating suddenly becomes wishy washy when it comes to making plans it's time to just walk away. I don't know why it's so hard for me to do that. Instead of walking away I just let resentment grow toward this person whose company I enjoyed more than anything.

Inevitably we broke up- or rather I dumped him. I didn't want to, but I knew I had to. The final straw was when he broke plans with me and my friends to go to Six Flags Fright Fest even though he knew about it weeks in advance- yet he conveniently forgotten that he had a work session planned. What I hated most was that he never bothered to remember our plans or ever put anything in a calendar to stay organized. He cancelled on me the day of and all he could say was "I really fucked this one up, sorry," so I broke up with him via text, letting him know that I didn't accept his apology, that he didn't respect me or our plans, that he didn't even bother to make plans, and that I was 35 and knew what I wanted. I want to get married, and I want children, and I want to be with someone who is an active participate in our relationship. I told him I deserved better, and that he didn't have the maturity for a serious relationship, let alone to date. I went to Six Flags that night and had the best time with my friends and didn't think of him once.

The Chilean wanted to talk in person, and usually after I break up with someone I block them from all forms of communication; however, I decided to hear him out. The day we talked was one of the most painful days of my life. We were walking around outside, and he was asking about my family- I knew he was stalling and I just flat out asked him why the fuck he cared how my family was and what did he want? It turned out that he wanted to apologize to me in person for how he treated me. When someone you want to hate ends up apologizing, it's very hard to continue hating them. The hate dissipates into hurt and heartache. That's the best word for how I felt- heartbroken. He had admitted to pulling away- which I called him out on because I am no novice when it comes to dating men who pull away. He said he needed space to think about us and where things were going. He said that we were on two different paths; I have my life in order and I know what I want while he has no clue what he's doing or where he's going and is incapable of planning in advance.

What hurt the most was that he wanted to remain friends, because dating for six months wasn't nothing. But I explained (or shouted rather) that I didn't need any more fucking friends and I couldn't be friends because I had feelings for him. I also informed him that friendship is a two way street, and that both friends need to participate in seeing and speaking with one another- which he didn't seem to be capable of. While talking to him I cried more than I ever have in a very long time. That's because I had real feelings for him. Despite my crying he somehow managed to make me laugh, I don't know how he does it. He held me while I was crying, and I could feel myself caving in. I couldn't kick him out of my life, as much as it hurt.  After our talk I agreed to remain friends, but I would need time to heal. After he left I continued crying all night long.

The very next day the Chilean text me to inform me that he had been laid off, and even though I was still hurting I was able to offer up some words of encouragement that were genuine, not forced. Inside of me I still deeply cared for him but had no expectations of reconciliation. A month passed by and I reached out to him late one night in my luxurious hotel room at the Trump International, after I ran away from my family in Las Vegas. I vented to him my frustrations with my family and their fighting, and out of the blue he told me that he did miss me too sometimes and that he wasn't a robot. We then reminisced about our good times together, which then made me miss him more and I was beginning to regret breaking up with him.

Long story short, we rekindled our romance on Thanksgiving, against my better judgement, but we both genuinely missed each other. What I accept responsibility for is knowing how it was going to end again and letting it happen anyway. He was young, and still had so much growing up to do, and I was placing expectations on him that I knew he would never meet.

We broke up a second time shortly after Thanksgiving, but this time was permanent. I admit I was pretty harsh with him the second time around, mostly because my feelings were very hurt and I had felt used this time around. But I want to thank him for the fun he infused into my life. For so long dating wasn't fun anymore, and he made it fun. He made me laugh more than any other guy and he made me realize that that is a quality I absolutely need in the next man I date. I hope he finds the adventure he's looking for in his life and I wish him the best.

Dating Post-Matchmaker: The Nightmare Continues

After I was 3 bachelors deep into the matchmaking process, I decided to reactivate my dating apps in an effort to out-match the matchmakers, as they were doing a tremendously shitty job of setting me up with guys I liked or found even remotely attractive. 

I decided to venture into the world of Bumble once again, despite my recent catfish experience and despite the fact that I had just dumped a schmuck that I had met on there just a few month prior. I always go back with the attitude of "it will be different this time," although time after time it never is. I suppose that is the definition of insanity, doing the same thing over and over expecting a different result. I must be insane- but I like to think of myself as hopelessly optimistic. 

I met a Bachelor who will be referred to as the Man-Child. Another suitable name would be Faucet because his nose dripped like one.  He was 37 years old, worked in the Army Reserves, but also worked for a random social sports company- for which he ran a kickball league. His favorite past time included wearing an animal onesie and going to Carney's with his friends. I can't make this shit up. This grown ass man, who was in the Army, liked to run around in an animal onesie. Aside from that, I could tell he was a man-child because he lived with 2 other grown men in what looked like a disgusting, unkempt, college frat house- where beer pong and other drinking games must have been played night after night. You can tell a lot about a person based on their living conditions. 

Man-Child and I went on a few dates for a solid month. We talked about serious topics, including our desire to have families one day and pursue serious relationships. This is what always lures me in- the prospect of meeting someone like myself who shares the same desire of sharing their life with someone. I suppose I should know by this point that this is a trap- yet I fall for it every time. 

One weekend the Man-Child had to leave for his Army weekend, and right after he returned the process of ghosting began. He stopped texting, he became flaky, cancelled plans due to alleged illnesses; however, he would reschedule only to cancel again. I was all too familiar with this game, so I called him out on it one day after I had made up my mind that he was garbage. I said that if he didn't want to date then he could've been man enough to say so, that grown men don't ghost women, and that he was in fact a Man-Child. You would think that a man who is near 40 would stop with the bullshit, but I guess that is too much to hope for. 

When All Else Fails, Hire a Matchmaker?

I went into 2017 with a renewed sense of hope for my romantic life, and a hashtag - #getmorganmarried2017. Why was I feeling so optimistic after years of negativity? Because I hired a professional matchmaker to take over the reigns of my dating life. I figured I sure as hell am not having any luck dating decent men; might as well let someone else take over. The guys that I get set up with surely MUST be better than the ones I find online right??? Especially since I'm spending *gasp* $5,000. Yes ladies- I forked over $5,000 in an effort to meet a decent man. That's like a fucking vacation! That is how serious I am about getting my single AF ass married to a good man (or at the very least INTRODUCED to a good man).

How did this all go down? Well, one day I was out to lunch with my co-workers, and we were talking about how shitty dating is and my one co-worker casually mentioned she had a friend who was a matchmaker. First of all, why wasn't this information disclosed sooner?! Everyone in my office knows everything about my dating life (I keep no secrets) so I couldn't believe I hadn't known this sooner. So I pretty much begged her to introduce us and so she did. A few months later I made an appointment to go meet with the matchmaker in their Beverly Hills office. This all went down right before Christmas. I figured that if they were in Beverly Hills then they HAD to have some wealthy bachelors in their database right?? And no, I'm not a gold digger. But it would be nice to date a guy who has an adult job/career and isn't a fucking "actor" or Uber driver or waiter. PLUS- for $5,000 I want the cream of the crop! There's no shame in aiming high!

I met with the matchmaker and immediately thought a) wow she is spunky and has a lot of energy,   b) she seems to genuinely love what she does so that was comforting, and c) are there cameras in this office and am I going to end up on some secret dating show? We talked about how shitty dating was in LA (basically agreeing to the fact that LA is the Baghdad of dating) and that all men in LA were afflicted with "Peter Pan Syndrome," a term I have used many times before. This is when grown ass men still like to think and act like they're in their 20s and just want to fuck around and not be serious with anyone. This syndrome seems to be lasting into a man's late 30s to early 40s.

She walked me through the different packages and how many coaching sessions and bachelors you get at each package level. I tried to act like the prices didn't scare the fuck out of me, but the entire time I was thinking a) can I set up a GoFundMe for this? b) can I still sell my eggs? c) what the fuck is my credit card limit?? I took a leap of faith, whipped out my Mastercard (holding my breath because I wasn't sure it would go through) and committed to the $5,000 - 5 Bachelor package. Surely I would find a suitable mate if I have the choice of 5 bachelors right??

After I left the office I drove home and immediately called my mother. I can't begin to explain how excited she was that I finally decided to do this. She said now she knows I'm serious about getting married... you know... because after going out with 100+ guys over the last 5 years that wasn't serious enough. Even my dad was happy. He sent me a congratulatory email at work expressing how excited he and my mother were for my quest to find love. No pressure.

Before I got to go on my dates I had to do 3 coaching sessions. The first was with a body language expert who basically clued me in to signs and displays of affection/attraction from members of the opposite sex. All good information- although I have to say I have yet to try the "flirtation triangle" on a man. The second coaching session involved a professional stylist coming to my apartment, going through my closet, picking out clothes appropriate for a first date (which includes skirts or dresses that are at least knee length like a Mormon and pointed high heels because they make your legs look longer), telling me to buy Spanx, and asking if I would consider a spray tan or getting my brows professionally waxed. First of all, my brows are amazing. They are nicely groomed and even the girl at Blushington recently asked me if I had just gotten my brows done because they looked so nice. So fuck you lady! Secondly, spray tans look horrible on pale people. I don't need to look like Donald Trump on my dates. The last coaching session was a phone call with the matchmaker, telling me how to be hard to get, how to meet men in real life by asking them random fucking questions while in line at Starbucks, and reminding me not to sleep with a guy until he is my boyfriend. I will share this brilliant knowledge with all of my fellow single ladies.

So after these rigorous training sessions I was finally date ready. My first date was set up just days before the birth of my beautiful nephew. I was so excited and nervous to meet Bachelor #1. I was just praying that he wasn't old, ugly, fat, socially awkward or creepy. We met up at a bar and to my relief he was a regular looking dude and was very nice. We had a great conversation, he was really nice and time flew by. I even thought he was kind of cute. We went on a second date and when I got into his car I thought "whoa you don't look like the same guy I went out with the first time- I don't think you're cute at all." Yes ladies, I suffered from date blindness. Date blindness is when you go out with someone and you're so nervous that you don't really clearly see or analyze your date's face. And when you leave your date you can't quite clearly remember what they looked like. So then when you do see them again you're either like "oh yeah cool" or "oh god yikes." The entire night I was thinking "please don't try and kiss me." I just wasn't feeling it, which was really disappointing because he truly was a nice guy and an adult. So I give the matchmakers credit for Bachelor #1. When he dropped me off at home I gave him a quickie hug, said thanks and dashed out of the car like it was on fire. We haven't been in touch since. My sister says I'm superficial and that attraction doesn't just happen, it eventually grows on you. I say bull shit. I think attraction from the get-go is important and it isn't unreasonable to want that. Yes, you can become more attracted to someone as you get to know them. But if you don't find them even remotely attractive then how do you work with that?

Bachelor #2 was a douche lord. I mean he was an asshole from the deepest realm of Hell. The afternoon before our date he was texting me (which is against the matchmaker rules- you're not allowed to contact each other prior to the date unless it is night of and you're running late). His text was rude AF. He wrote "Hey Morgan it's SATAN (ok not really), we're supposed to go on a date tomorrow, ring a bell?" Who fucking says that? I hated him immediately. In fact, I hated him as soon as I read his Bachelor Bio (which is a short email of basic generic information such as job/hobbies that the matchmaker gives you the day before the date). His bio was basic AF. He sounded like a typical LA douche that you could find on Tinder. It basically said he liked to work out, the end. Wow you like hiking too? How special. So after he sent that rude first text I tried to be polite and said yes I'm looking forward to meeting you. He then tried to get me to talk to him on the phone, but I was at work and I was busy, plus he was making me feel awkward. So then the next day was date day. Mind you, my sister had just given birth and I really just wanted to stay at the hospital with her and my nephew. But I went and got my hair and makeup done to prepare for this magical evening. 30 minutes before the date, while I was in a Lyft to Beverly Hills, he text me again asking if I was headed over to the bar. I said yes. He said he was running late. I said ok. He then insisted again on talking before the date because "he needed to get a sense of someone before he goes out with them." I said fine. So he called and it was the most awkward and rude phone call I've ever received. I asked him how his day was and he said it was great but about to get "iffy." OH HELL NAW! Yeah iffy because he was about to go on a blind date. So he proceeded to admit that the matchmakers twisted his arm into signing up and recruited him at an event, and that all of a sudden he got an email saying we were going out, and that he doesn't go out with people he hasn't seen. I am just paraphrasing our phone call, but let me assure you that he was the rudest mother fucker on the entire planet. I said that if he felt like his arm was being twisted then I didn't want to twist it anymore and that we should just forget about going out. He never even had any intention of going out. So after I hung up I had to tell the Lyft driver to turn around and take me home and I was crying in the car. After I went to McDonalds and brought food to the hospital and hung out with my sister and nephew and reenacted my horrible experience. I of course wrote a super angry email to the matchmakers and they gave me a new Bachelor #2. It is really hard to remain positive and excited for this matchmaking process. Like how did I get matched with such a douchey guy?? I seriously question their vetting process. Also- I found him on Facebook and all I can say is that he is UGLY AF. He looks like the kind of guy who thinks he is hot shit, when he is just a pile of shit. Gross. I seriously dodged a major bullet and I'm so glad I didn't waste a date on him.  

New Bachelor #2 seemed gay. I am not even joking, that was my first impression when I met him. This isn't the first time I've gotten the gay vibe from a guy on a first date. I also thought that he seemed incredibly young and way too preppy. We had nothing in common aside for the fact that we both watched The Crown and Downton Abbey. He was nice enough, but we had NOTHING in common. He was into golf and tennis, and I just didn't feel like I could be myself. Even my Lyft driver thought he was gay when she picked me up. So then I emailed the matchmakers yet again and reminded them that I want a MASCULINE man and someone OLDER, like 36-40. They said they will take that into consideration for Bachelor #3. At that point I was expecting to be set up with either a grizzly bear or the Brawny Man.

Bachelor #3 was the most boring, middle aged white man I could've possibly been set up with. He was in his 40s and had the social skills of a tree stump. As soon as I saw him I was immediately disappointed because he wasn't attractive and he looked super awkward (as most middle ages white men do). We sat down at this cute little wine bar and it was just crickets... he then proceeded to interview me, as if he were going to hire me for some boring ass job. He asked me the most basic questions such as "do you like dogs?" He told me about a trip that he took with his parents, and that right there said enough about him. He was a "professor" at Santa Monica Community College, and you'd think that if he taught he would have some grasp of the English language in addition to the fundamental speech skills one would need in such a profession. Throughout this hour long date, I downed a glass of wine and he sipped on his beer- taking a sip after every word he said. We ordered 1 appetizer which took light-years to get. The waitress saw that I was suffering and, bless her soul, came up to me and poured me the rest of the bottle of wine on the house. She said she felt bad the food was taking so long, but us ladies know when another woman is on a shitty date and wants to get the fuck out of there. So the wine was her gift to me. After we got our 1 appetizer we left and as he was paying the bill I was summoning my Lyft to rescue me. I couldn't have ran out of the bar fast enough! I told the matchmaker they striked out again, and that I wanted a man that had not only a GOOD personality (or any personality at all- not one of a tree stump) but a grasp on social skills as well. And when I say good personality, I mean someone who has a sense of humor, isn't shy AF and can talk about a variety of topics as opposed to interviewing me and asking me boring shit.

I thought surely Bachelor #4 was going to be better. I had even told them to take their time selecting my bachelors because I felt like they were rushing to just set me up with any random man they could scrounge up. Bachelor #4 was the date from my worst nightmare. They basically set me up with Mr. Rogers, like from Mr. Rogers' Neighborhood circa 1980. Swear to god, this dude was old and wore a fucking old man cardigan and dad chinos. We were at a really cool wine bar, and this grandpa just sat there drinking water all night. I kid you not, when we sat down we probably sat in silence for at least 5 minutes. I wanted the earth to just swallow me whole. And right next to our table was a table full of fun guys, including Chris O'Dowd from Bridesmaids!! I wanted to join them so badly. We ordered 1 appetizer which again took 500 light-years to arrive. Same situation happened, where I drank my glass of wine and the waitress hooked me up with the rest of the bottle on the house. Grandpa Rogers and I talked about Disney World because he was from Orlando and I didn't know what the fuck else to talk about aside my love of Disney. I was pretty livid after this date, because it was like the matchmakers were doing the exact opposite of what I wanted and set me up with guys I would never want to date in a million years! I knew after Bachelor #4 that this was a total scam.

I didn't even want to go out with Bachelor #5, but the matchmaker swore he was better than the others. I was doubtful, and my expectations were so low at this point that a monkey in a tuxedo would've been a great date for me. I will say that Bachelor #5 at least could make conversation and wasn't the ugliest guy I've ever gone out with, but he was too fancy for me. What do I mean by fancy? Well, this dude was into ballet and opera and shit like that. Snooze.... At least he liked wine and knew about wine (he was a former sommelier) and drank wine. And I wasn't bored to tears on this date, which was a plus. But it was obvious we were not a match made in heaven and we both knew that neither one of us were that into each other (I know this because I never heard from him).

I was really disappointed that I had gone through all 5 bachelors, and everyone sucked in their own way. From looks, to lack of personality, to the possibility of being homosexual, the matchmaking experience had been an utter nightmare. They wanted to set me up on a date with Bonus Bachelor #6 but I refused because I just couldn't put myself through one more god awful date. I asked them why in the hell they picked these guys for me, and they said that they chose them based on the qualities I said I was looking for. I said, I understand and appreciate that; however, I want a man I am remotely attracted to and who also has a personality that would complement mine. These guys sounded good on paper but that was absolutely it. At the end of the day I learned a very expensive lesson- guys who sound great on paper can still be boring, awkward, unattractive and lame and I would rather live the rest of my life single than settle for that.

A Brutally Honest Evaluation of Dating Sites/Apps

At this point in my life I am basically an expert on the subject of dating sites and apps. I am the Anthony Bourdain of dating sites. I've tried everything (minus Farmer's Only, J-Date, and any site aimed at women looking for sugar daddies). Although I am no longer on any of these dating sites, I thought I would help out my fellow single ladies out there by recapping each dating site/app so you don't have to bother wasting your time on them. You're welcome.

Paid Sites

MATCH.COM

Match.com- Probably one of the most popular paid dating sites out there. I can't watch TV without being bombarded with those awful commercials, which are prevalent during this time of year (Christmas/NYE) to make all of us single women feel worse about our situations; thus prompting us to sign up with Match for the 15th time, even though the last 14 times proved unsuccessful. You tell yourself "maybe this time will be different," even though you know very well it won't be.

My experience on Match.com while in my early 20s is startlingly different than my experience in my near-mid 30s. In my early 20s (circa 2004-2006) there was an abundance of attractive, young men ripe for the picking! Match.com yielded a very high ROI and I went out with a great number of good looking men. Fast forward 10 years later, and now I only get hit on my ugly, fat, divorced w/kids, old men (and a disproportionately large number of Indian and Asian men). I kid you not, I am talking about 50-60 year old men who genuinely think a 34 year old women would ever give them a shot. They could literally be my dad! NASTY! I often tell them this fact and inform them that my grandma is single. There are still a large number of attractive 30-40 yr old men on Match.com; however, they all seem to have lost their ability to type and respond back to messages. Perhaps there was an epidemic of a disease in which men have suddenly lost the use of their hands and/or fingers? I am not the type of woman who sits back expecting men to email me. I take the bull by the horns! I have emailed a countless number of men on Match.com, but the ROI is appallingly low. Men have become lazy, or they're just too busy getting laid off of Tinder. I say this because a large percentage of the men I see on Match.com are also on Tinder.

The verdict? Don't waste your time or your money ladies. The guys on here pretend they're looking to be serious, but they're unresponsive, fake and are busy looking for a quick shag on Tinder. Unless you're into old and/or middle aged Indian/Asian men. If that's what you're looking for then you're in for a treat!

e-HARMONY

Don't get me started on e-Harmony! First off, grandpa Moses isn't exactly relatable (I'm talking about Neil Clark Warren- the old man in the commercials). He is like my grandpa, trying to give me dating advice. Secondly, this site is grossly overpriced. Thirdly, the men on e-Harmony are NOT attractive. It's rare to find a handsome man who also doesn't seem completely socially awkward. I've gone out with 2 guys from e-Harmony over the years, neither seemed like they were looking for anything more than a shag.

e-Harmony has evolved over the last decade. At first you had to take the unbearably long survey about yourself and then they would send you matches, but you COULDN'T see their photos. So you would go back and forth with these faceless bachelors, with the lame questions and finally, after you spent a week asking each other what sounded like a fun date (a) ballet, (b) shopping at a flea market (wtf why is this an option), (c) going bowling or (d) comedy show, then you finally get to see what the bachelors look like. You've spent the entire week praying to God above that this man you've been corresponding with doesn't look like Shrek... but sadly 99.9% of the time they bachelors do in fact look like Shrek (and sometimes even Donkey).

I think e-Harmony realized that people want to superficially judge one another before wasting time with all of the questions and back and forth essays only to be disappointed at the end. So, now e-Harmony lets you see what everyone looks like upfront and if you want, you can even bypass all of the inane questions and email each other directly. Although e-Harmony did right by making adjustments to their platform, it doesn't change the fact that the men on there still look like Shrek.

The verdict? Don't waste your time ladies! e-Harmony has a notoriously low ROI, is overpriced and is full of ugly, awkward men. Trust me, I tried this site at least 5-7 times during the last 10 years.

Free Sites

OKCUPID

OkCupid should be re-branded as "OkPervert" or "OkDominant" or "OkThreesome." Everyone on this site is looking for sex, whether it's a dom/sub situation or a threesome (aka 'we're a committed couple in an open relationship looking to be very good friends with someone'). OkCupid is basically the Craigslist of the dating site world. It's seriously disgusting. Scrolling through OkCupid feels like walking down a dark alley or walking alone into a dirty bar with scary looking men inside. You're on high alert and you're just waiting for some perv to molest/rape you, or at the very least say something disgusting to you. I can't tell you the number of sexually explicit emails I received on this site, lots of swingers out there! I also noticed, that after Fifty Shades of Grey became popular there are a ton of men who think they're Christian Grey and want a dom/sub relationship (even offering to spoil their woman with gifts and trips). These men often hide their face in their profile pic (because they have to be discreet of course) and only show their fake chiseled abs and sometimes their pelvis. Sometimes they've even stark naked, but covering their bits and pieces.

Although OkCupid is a hot bed of sex crazed horn dogs, I did manage to find some normalish men to go out with. The pool of men were more normal around 2012-2014, but since then it's gotten bad (see paragraph above). Similar to Match.com, you often see all of the men from OkCupid on Tinder, and even on Match.com. If the same people on OkCupid are also on Match.com, then why even pay for Match.com in the first place? I often thought that, and that included me as well! Why was I on both sites? Because somehow you trick yourself into thinking that the more places you are, the higher the odds of meeting someone. Sure Joe Schmo didn't email me on Match.com, perhaps his account expired. But maybe if I try him on OkCupid he'll respond back. Not the case my friends. A man that is too lazy to reply or correspond on Match.com is also too lazy to reply or correspond on OkCupid. You just end up making an ass of yourself twice.

Another thing I noticed on OkCupid is that, unlike Match.com where I am only contacted my grandpa, on OkCupid I got a ton of emails from disturbingly younger guys. Like 19-21 year old guys! Some women would be flattered by that, I just thought it was nasty. Sorry fellas, I'm not looking to be your sugar mamma.I also got hit up by a LOT of middle-eastern men, LIVING IN THE MIDDLE EAST. I think they're looking for a way to get a green card.

The verdict? Unless you're looking for a threesome or to become someone's submissive, avoid OkCupid at all costs. Nothing good comes from here! Sometimes I was even afraid I would contract a STD just from being on the site. AVOID, AVOID, AVOID.

Free Apps 

COFFEE MEETS BAGEL

First off, the name of this app is terrible. I would prefer Coffee Meets Donuts. What is this app? A food delivery service? I wish! It is a dating app supposedly. You get sent 1 match a day. You read that correctly! One. Uno. Un. Eins. Every day at noon I would again pray to the dating Gods to please send me a good looking match. And every day at noon I would be disappointed. And no, it's not because I am the most superficial woman on the planet (although my dad does say I'm picky). It's because these guys are legitimately unattractive. That's not my fault! I never met anyone off this app because I deleted it fairly quickly. My iPhone told me I was running low on storage and I had to sacrifice Coffee Meets (ugly) Bagel so that I could keep Match, e-Harmony, OkCupid, Tinder, Bumble, Hinge and Happn. #Priorities. I have never heard of anyone ever meeting their boyfriend on this app. If there is a case study I want to see a picture of that boyfriend.

The verdict? Don't waste your storage space with this app. Unless you have a shit ton of memory on your phone, then give it a whirl. And if you see good looking men on here then you have to send me photos because I won't believe you.

HAPPN

This app is sort of stalkerish. The idea here is that men in your feed appear because you've at some point in time crossed paths with them or have been in close proximity. Yes ladies, your GPS on your phone has become your pimp. Remember that hot guy you stood in line behind at Starbucks? He could be on the app! That ugly guy who stood behind you in line at Starbucks? Also on the app! I appreciate the idea of the app; I mean, it makes sense to potentially get to know local men who perhaps work in your building or live in your apartment complex. The problem with this app, much like Hinge (which I'll get to next) is that nobody fucking replies or starts a conversation! So you essentially become the stalker. I tried reaching out to several guys, and nada. Similar to Bumble (which I will also cover), it seemed like many of the men on the app were just attractive, fake profiles. That is how they lure you in. They make you believe that you magically live among a sea of hot guys that you pass on the streets on a daily basis. And alas! You can finally contact them via this magical app, as opposed to going about the old fashion way of striking up a conversation with a human being in person. GASP! Who would think to do such a thing? You mean actually make eye contact with someone and speak words out of your mouth as opposed to typing stupid opening lines within the confines of your mobile phone? Sounds like science fiction to me!

The verdict? Don't bother, unless you have a fantasy about being a stalker. Then you might enjoy this one.

HINGE

This app actually needs to be removed from the Free App list and put on the Paid App list. That's right, Hinge got a makeover in 2016 and now they think they're oh so different from Tinder that you should pay them money for the privilege of using their app. I think not.

Let me give you a little background. Hinge is a cleaner version of Tinder, and by cleaner I mean I never once saw a naked dude barely covering his twig and berries. Hinge worked the same way as Tinder, meaning you'd swipe left or right and you'd be notified if you got a match, and everyone that came into your feed was through Facebook connections (friends of friends on Facebook). The problem with Hinge was that nobody, and I mean NOBODY, would initiate a conversation post-match. It was bizarre. 75% of the time I would try and initiate conversation, but to no avail. Eventually I deleted the app, but would get bored or frustrated with Tinder and would give Hinge another shot. After I downloaded the second time I noticed a new feature. If you matched with someone, you had 24 hours to send a message. If either party did not initiate a conversation you would un-match and risk never seeing each other again (until you matched on Tinder). Yes, use a threat! That always works! Needless to say that adjustment was unsuccessful (but at least the looming countdown made for an awkward opening-line).

As of Fall 2016, Hinge decided that they were going to focus on "serious daters" (assuming they still existed) and relaunched their app (still calling it Hinge), The difference was that you no longer swipe left or right. No, that is archaic and stupid! The way of the future is by sliding up. Yes! That makes a much greater difference! So basically you have the same men in your feed, and you are just sliding up on profiles to get to the next one. I don't see how this is different. Hinge even had the audacity to start charging $7 a month for the app! WTF? In my opinion, they made their app interface too confusing, not user-friendly and you're still stuck in a pool of men who don't take any initiative to strike up a conversation. Why would anyone pay $7 a month for that?

The verdict? Save your money for your daily Starbucks coffee. At least maybe you'll have a hot guy in line with you who you can later stalk on Happn.

BUMBLE

Bumble is the shiny new toy in the dating app space. Similar to Tinder with the swiping, the main differences here are a) that women must make the first move and initiate a conversation or else the match will expire, and b) there is an abundance of hot (probably fake) guys who are all CEOs, Founders, Actors or Entrepreneurs. This just can't be possible. When I first logged on to Bumble and started swiping around my thumb began to cramp from all of the swiping right! It was a cornucopia of hot men! Where had Bumble been the last 4 1/2 years of my single life?? I soon realized; however, that this app was too good to be true. It is not possible for everyone to be a CEO or Entrepreneur. Additionally, I matched with so many hot guys, yet magically none would ever respond. They must all suffer from the same affliction as the men on Match.com, Hinge or Happn. The men who did respond did not look like the other hot CEO/Entrepreneurs, they looked like regular guys that could be found on Tinder and had regular jobs. This led me to the conclusion that Bumble is a bait and switch app. Meaning, they lure you in with an abundance of fake profiles of hot men at the beginning of your swiping (and these fake profiles must be pre-programmed to match with everyone) and then in reality the real guys on this app are regular Joe Schmos. I swiped a shit ton on this app. In fact, I swiped through Bumbles entire repository of hot/fake men and finally got to the pool or regular and/or unattractive guys that could be found on Tinder. Try it ladies! Go on a swiping spree! You'll see that the more you swipe eventually all the hot guys go away and you're left with less attractive guys. Sorry to burst your Bumble bubble.

The verdict? It's fun for a while until you get to the real profiles, Then it's a big disappointment. Also there are catfishers on here (read my previous blog post about "The Last 67ish Bachelors").

TINDER

Everyone knows Tinder. Young and old alike (which is gross). Tinder is the cocaine of online dating apps. Addicting AF. You could literally swipe for hours on end. It is like playing a slot machine. You think if you keep playing long enough you'll eventually match with someone decently attractive. And then once you do match, does anyone bother to message? Nope! Tinder even added those super fun animated gifs to help break the ice. Those are USELESS. They're really more for my own personal enjoyment if anything. The guys on Tinder are sleazy AF. Nobody on here is looking to date seriously, it's just another gross way for people to hook up. It always makes me laugh when guys write in their profiles that they're not on Tinder for a hook up. YEAH RIGHT! Like I was born yesterday. Tinder makes cheating too easy and accessible. I once saw a friend's friend's husband on Tinder and I wanted to puke. People have no shame.

Tinder is what's wrong with dating today. Tinder has destroyed the institution of dating and courtship. It lets men (and women) skip that part and get right to the sex. Well, FUCK YOU TINDER.

The verdict? Avoid at all costs. Nothing good ever comes from or is on Tinder. And for my non-single ladies, check your man's phone and make sure he doesn't have Tinder downloaded. If he does dump his ass and get on Bumble!

Dating Sites I Never Joined (but browsed once)

POF (Plenty of Fish)

I never joined this site but I checked it out once (due to pure curiosity). Let me put it this way, POF is like the trailer park of the dating world. Let me knock out a few of my teeth, walk around a gas station barefoot, and start smoking on a corn cob pipe while playing my jug and I'll fit right in. I'm sure there are an abundance of ex-cons fresh out of prison, or men who just moved out of their mom's trailer into one of their very own. Go for it if that's your thing. I will pass.

Christian Mingle 

Christian Mingle is like POF's super Christian, super awkward second cousin. I will leave it at that. I would probably have more luck with Satan Worshipers or Wiccans.

To conclude, essentially every dating site or app in existence is full of the same gross or lame people. They are time sucks and a waste of money. There is no point in participating. Do something more valuable with your time! Now that I'm off all of these apps I feel free! I have more time to read books, watch movies, I'm more focused at the gym (rather than swiping left or right while on the elliptical). I am less frustrated and stressed out because I am no longer dealing with the bull shit that comes from these apps. Try disconnecting! I promise you'll feel great! Liberated even!

And to those people out there who claim that their friend's friend found her current boyfriend on Tinder/Bumble/Match... I say they're full of shit.